Grandpa

So he died two nights ago. :( I'm so sad I can't really describe it. I didn't cry yesterday but today I went to the store to buy one of those condolences cards and while I knelt there, picking one out, trying to figure out which one my grandma would like, I just started crying. In the middle of the store. I just couldn't help it. And then when I proceeded to check out I asked the lady at the counter if I could also have stamps for Europe-mail to Germany and then I cried even more. She said she was so sorry, the reason for my crying obvious by the card I purchased, and I felt so bad because I made her feel uncomfortable. I have never cried in public. I usually always make it to some place private before I let myself go. This time, though, it just kind of hit me right there in the card store that he was gone. That he was dead. How sad my grandma must be. And my mom. It was her Daddy. When she called to tell me the news yesterday she was so upset. She has never cried before on the phone. It was so devastating. I felt so helpless.

My grandpa was cremated today. Family had the chance to see him still at 17.00 hours at the crematory place. I didn't go. I'm not sure if I would have made it in time even if I had wanted to. I would have had to go alone because we have nowhere to leave the dogs on such short notice. I would have had to take the train, which takes ten hours. Also I'm not sure I still would have made it in time because I would have had to take a train to Berlin first and then to Leipzig. Also I didn't want to go because my grandpa was really sick. His liver stopped working and slowly his body gave way to the poisoning. I wish to remember my granddad the way he was when I last saw him. I wish to remember him not sick and suffering but happy and funny like last November at his birthday.

We will go see my grandma as soon as they have a date for the funeral. I'm not sure it's still called funeral when they bury his ashes. I'm not sure what the correct term would be. We will go there. I'm not sure how we're gonna do it but until we know the date for the "funeral" we cannot book the dog pension for the dogs, nor make reservations for a rental car. I don't know. I also kind of want to go to my family in Berlin first and then maybe take the train to Leipzig with them together.

I don't really know what to write in the card for my grandma. I'm no good at expressing my feelings and still be tactful. I don't know what to say that could asure her of my condolences, support and love and yet not upset her even more. I do not wish to cause her even more pain by reminding her of the effect it has on all of us.

I don't know if my mom and dad went to the cremation today. I haven't talked to them since my mom called me yesterday. At that point my dad was on a business trip in some other German city and did not know that my grandpa had passed away. My mom was all alone and could not reach him on his mobile. I don't know if he eventually came home and was able to support my mom and go to the cremation with her or if she still could not reach him. I don't think however he wouldn't think of calling in a moment like this. Maybe they will call me tomorrow. Otherwise I will call them and if they aren't there I will call my other (Berlin) grandma, who is looking after my eight-year-old brother, because I'm sure she'd know where they are.

This is the first death of a close person for me. My great-grandparents have died. One great-grandpa died in the 2nd world war at the age of 30-something, the other died in 2002, at the age of 98 when there was a huge flood in Eastern Germany. No I have only one grandpa left.

It's hard because now I feel I want to spend more time with my family. Be closer to them, but they are so far away. It's difficult to go see them. We always have to arrange weeks ahead. I can never just pop in. The internet makes it a bit easier with video conferencing and the likes. However it is not the same.

It's really late and I'm sure my other half is missing my presence in bed. I'm really tired and I shall go now. I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow or the days to come. I will post more info when I have finally talked to my parents. I don't want to think of them right now. I don't want to think of them in pain. But I can see my mom crying. The way she holds her hand over her mouth and pinches her eyes close. My grandma always has one arm wrapped around her abdomen the other elbow propped up and the hand of that arm holding her mouth as well. I really don't want to think about it but it's what I see. I hope I will not dream of them tonight.

Sigh

I'm too weak to cry again. It takes so much out of me. I'll just block it out again. That's why I'm writing it down. Thanks for listening.