Of These, Hope
By Angel

Part III: Voyage of Discovery

"Damn," Kathryn muttered. "What are they doing here?"

"They are hailing us, Captain." Tuvok noted.

"They had better be a little friendlier than they were on our last encounter. Open a channel."

When one of the Kad Pu appeared on the view screen, Kathryn remembered how utterly ugly these creatures were. And how much her body ached with the remembrance of the torture she had endured under their hands. She had trouble remaining her composure as the Kad Pu spoke.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway, you have something of ours and we want it back."

"I don't know what you are talking about," Kathryn returned.

"You took one of ours from the Kad Pu!" the alien barked.

"I thought you were the Kad Pu," Kathryn said and turned around to Chakotay who nodded "so did I."

"We are the Kad Pi!" the creature answered, "the Kad Pu are our enemy!"

"Captain, I believe this is the other faction. They must have changed names since the war started." Tuvok commented.

"Very well, you are the Kad Pi. Still, I don't know what you are talking about." Kathryn told the creature.

"You have taken one that is ours from the Kad Pu who had stolen one that is ours from us, Captain Kathryn Janeway," the alien said "We demand the one that is ours be given back to us."

Kathryn wondered why it had taken her so long to figure out they were talking about Erin. She also wondered why they had followed Voyager for all these lightyears out of their space to get Erin back.

"The one we took from the Kad Pu prison wasn't yours to begin with," Kathryn answered. "She is one of us and we have no intention of sending her back."

She turned to Harry and told him to cut communications. "I have no intention of negotiating with them. There's only one ship and we outgun them this time. Raise shields."

"They are firing weapons, Captain." Harry said.

"Return fire."

"Direct hit, their engine systems are off line," Tuvok reported.

"They are hailing again, Captain." Harry said.

"Ignore them," Kathryn responded.

"They are launching a shuttle and request to dock," Harry continued and threw a inquisitive look at Kathryn.

Kathryn growled. "Tuvok, take a full security team to the docking station. Harry, lower the shields, but raise them again as soon as the shuttle has docked."

"Aye, Captain."

Kathryn put her hands on her hips and sighed deeply. "Now what?" she asked Chakotay.

"I guess we find out why Erin is so important to them," her first officer responded. "Maybe she was planted as a spy in that prison. What do we really know about her?"

"Tuvok to the Captain."

"Janeway here."

"Two of the Kad Pi are on board the shuttle. They are unarmed. They request a conversation with the Captain."

"Tuvok, escort them to my ready room." Kathryn responded and crossed the bridge to her room. "Chakotay, you're with me, Harry, you have the bridge. Oh, and get Seven to join us. I have yet to meet a species that does not feel intimidated by a Borg."

Tuvok, the two Kad Pi, and a full security detail joined Kathryn and Chakotay in the ready room within minutes, followed by Seven of Nine.

"Make it short," Janeway said.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway, all we want is for you to return the one that is ours. We have invested a lot of time and valuables in her and entered this war when the Kad Pu stole her from us. We are grateful that you have taken her from our enemy, but now we want her back. We will not pursue you if you grant our request."

Kathryn was baffled. The Kad Pu went into war over Erin?

"I have no intention of returning her to you. She was tortured and kept captive in a Kad Pu prison. She is human like we are. She stays on board Voyager and that is final."

The Kad Pu that had spoken flinched. "She was a medical experiment. One that we wish to continue. You don't understand what is at stake here, Captain Kathryn Janeway."

"I don't care to know. This conversation is over. Return to your vessel."

"We will take this as an act of war." The Kad Pu growled.

Kathryn didn't respond, she nodded at her security team and went back to the bridge.

"We can easily out run them," Chakotay said. They are barely capable of warp 5. It's a miracle they ever managed to catch up with us in the first place."

"We're staying put," Kathryn said.

"Captain?"

"There's more going on here than meets the eye. I want to know everything they did with Erin and why. Their computers may contain vital information about Erin's past as well. Seven, can you break into their computer system?"

"I'd have to advise against this, Captain." Chakotay protested.

"Noted. Seven?"

"I can't penetrate their shields from this distance, Captain."

"Can you modify the Delta Flyer with the cloaking technology?"

"Kathryn," Chakotay pleaded.

Kathryn shot him a look. "Commander," she said. "This is your final warning." Then she turned back to Seven.

"Yes, Captain."

"Fine. Do it. Harry, lend her a hand. Tom, you fly the shuttle as soon as the modifications are complete. Do whatever it takes to drain their computer systems. Understood?"

"Aye, Captain."

Seven indicated that they should be able to modify their shield frequency to that of the Kad Pi ship and thus be able to penetrate them without being detected. She would use Borg encryption codes to tap into their computer systems. They would be long gone before the Kad Pi would notice their systems had been broken into, if they would find out at all.

Kathryn felt relieved that they would finally be able to bring some closure to all of this.

~~~~~

Kathryn was in her quarters trying to concentrate on a book. She was starting to get worried about her away team which still hadn't returned. She was starting to wonder if sending after the Kad Pi ship had been a very good idea. After all, there was really not much to gain apart from information about Erin's past.

Kathryn sighed and walked over to the replicator to get more coffee. Her head was starting to ache. She rubbed her temples and stared out the window when she was interrupted by the com channel.

"Lt. McForbes to the Captain."

"Janeway here. What is it, lieutenant?"

"I just wanted to inform you the away team have safely returned to Voyager. Their mission was successful."

"Thank you, lieutenant. Janeway out."

Kathryn heaved a deep sigh and relaxed slightly. Tomorrow she would know why the Kad Pi wanted Erin back so badly. She checked the chronometer. 02:35, she really needed to get some sleep. She put down her coffee and started walking toward her bedroom when the door chimed.

"Come."

It was Seven of Nine, who had the tendency to show up at the captain quarters at the most unusual of times.

"Captain, I am disturbed." Seven said.

"Disturbed?" Kathryn asked, "did something happen on the away mission?"

"Yes," Seven answered. "I used the time it took to get back to Voyager to study the information we gathered from the Kad Pi computer system. My findings are unsettling."

Kathryn realized this was going to be a long night. "Sit down, Seven, do you want a drink?" Seven shook her head. Kathryn got herself some coffee from the replicator and sat down next to Seven on the couch.

"Tell me," she said.

"The Kad Pi are not unlike the Borg," Seven started.

"The Borg? Elaborate."

"They are attempting to assimilate other species, much like the Borg do," Seven continued. "Erin lived on a planet near the Kad Pu home world with a species called the Valian. She and several of the Valian were taken by the Kad Pi and had to undergo a series of genetic alterations to start resembling the Kad Pi. The victims were kept awake and conscious during these procedures, so the Kad Pi could study their reactions."

"Seven..." Kathryn interrupted with a lump in her throat, "are you telling me they had to sit there and watch themselves being operated on?"

"Yes," Seven said, "and see themselves change into a species they loathed."

"What is the point of all this?" Kathryn asked.

"Once they found a way to assimilate other species into their own, they would take over other home worlds and increase their power in this region of space."

"But why, why have these people be conscious..."

"Purely scientific interest."

Kathryn rested her head on her hands, unable to comprehend what she was hearing. This level of torture was unheard of, even under Cardassians. She pinched the bridge of her nose and drew her attention back to Seven.

"But they haven't succeeded yet?"

"No."

"So, why is Erin so important to them?"

"She is the only one on which the procedure was successfully completed. She is the only one that survived."

"Dear god," Kathryn muttered and rubbed her head, which was throbbing with pain. "How many did not survive?"

"Several thousand. They have been conducting these experiments for ten years now on all the species in this region. They thought they made a breakthrough when several victims survived the first series of operations being unconscious. But they died later on. Except Erin. Once the procedure was successfully completed on her, they planned a series of experiments to attempt finding out what elements of her physiology made it possible for her to adapt to the alterations. However, before they could conduct these experiments, she was taken captive by the Kad Pu. The two factions have been at war ever since. The Kad Pu are not aware of the experiments the Kad Pi have been conducting. Therefor they couldn't just ask for Erin back. And to the Kad Pu she was nothing more than a useless female."

"Do the records say anything about the way and the reason for them to eliminate her memory?"

"No. They did however state that Erin was somewhat of a troublemaker. She continued to resist the Kad Pi and refused to accept her new physiology. I suspect the Kad Pu were the ones that erased her memory in an attempt to silence her."

"But they couldn't change her personality, so she ended up a prisoner."

"That is correct. Captain?"

"Yes, Seven?"

"How will we stop them?"

"We won't. It would be a violation of the Prime Directive. We have no right to interfere as long as we ourselves aren't threatened by them. The other species in this region will just have to find their own defense against the Kad Pi. As difficult as it may seem, we have no choice but to turn our back on this."

"Wouldn't it then also be against the Prime Directive to not return Erin to them?"

"Yes," Kathryn admitted, "but she's human and we have an obligation to protect her. Command is often about finding the right way between two wrong choices."

"I see," Seven said and then she added "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For everything the Borg have done."

"That was hardly your fault."

"I realize now how wrong the ways of the Borg really are. I must ... re-evaluate my past."

"I understand. I think that is something you'll have to work out on your own, Seven. But please know I'll be here for you whenever you need me."

Seven nodded. "I must regenerate," she said "And you require sleep, as well."

"Yes, you are right, although I doubt if I'll be able to find rest tonight, what's left of it." Kathryn said. "Seven, report your findings and send them to all the senior staff. But inform them not to say anything to Erin until I have spoken to her."

"Yes, Captain." Seven confirmed and then scooped her up in her strong arms and pressed Kathryn's body against her own. Kathryn felt the air being pressed out of her lungs.

"Seven," she squeaked, "what are you doing?"

Seven let go of her firm grasp and said "I gave you a hug. It is my understanding that this can be comforting and reassuring. In my assessment, you needed that."

Kathryn smiled and patted Seven on her arm. "I see. Well, thank you. I appreciate your concern. Goodnight, Seven."

"Goodnight, captain." Seven said as she left her quarters.

~~~~~

The Doctor was studying some cultured samples when he heard Erin come in sickbay for her duty shift. He glanced over to her workspace and once again complimented himself on the job he had done on her. He was happy Captain Janeway had decided to save her from the Kad Pu. She was a meticulous assistant and even though she would never be Kes, she was as good a medical assistant the Doctor could hope for.

While he pondered over these and many other things, he suddenly noticed Erin putting her arms around her waist and crouching down in pain on the floor. She sat there for a while, her face white, curled up on the floor in a tiny little ball. The Doctor got up and walked over to Erin. He crouched down beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Erin, what is it?" he asked.

She seemed to be in mild shock seeing his presence. "I'm fine, Doctor, really. Just fine."

"You don't look fine to me at all. Why don't you tell me what's going on. Are you in pain?"

He briefly wondered if she was having memory flashbacks, but decided that was impossible.

Erin slowly got up and the Doctor ran his medical tricorder over her body. No abnormal readings of any kind.

"You seem to be okay physically," he mumbled as he put away his tricorder. Then he noticed Erin pinched her eyes closed and a tear was rolling down her cheek.

"Erin, come on, what's going on?" the Doctor pressed on. At first she didn't say anything, but after a while she said "Do you have any idea what it is like to have your heart broken, each and every day, over and over again. To pine for someone you know you can never have. To love someone so much, it aches and eats you away from the inside out. And to know that nothing you could ever do will change this situation?"

The Doctor saw an image of Seven of Nine flash by and felt his own heart twitch. "Actually, I do, Erin. I know exactly what that is like."

She looked up at him, surprised. "You do?"

"Yes," the Doctor said. "Who is it, somebody you left behind with the Kad Pu?"

"Oh no, I could never love anyone from that despicable race," Erin answered. "But you humans, you are so beautiful, I could fall in love with each and every one on this ship." She sighed deeply before she continued. "Doctor, I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this."

"Humans are surprisingly resilient when it comes to matters of the heart," the Doctor responded. "I'm sure you'll find a way to cope. I'm just wondering if it is necessary."

"What do you mean?"

"You are a very appealing woman, Erin. Are you sure whomever has stolen your heart doesn't feel the least bit attracted to you?"

"It would be impossible."

"Why?"

"Because she is the Captain."

The Doctor was not surprised. The Captain spent a lot of time with Erin, and of course she was a very pleasant and attractive being. And even though the Captain tended to shun away from romance, he wondered if this wasn't exactly what she needed.

"Actually," he turned toward Erin again, "when you stop to think about it, you may very well be the only chance of romance the Captain will have until we get back to Federation space. You are outside the command structure, Erin. You do not belong to Starfleet, nor have you ever been affiliated with Starfleet in any way. The Captain would have no excuse not to date you. The more I think about it, the better it gets!" The Doctor was getting truly excited at this concept.

"Doctor, I really don't think..." Erin began to protest.

"Oh, but you should!" he said, "In fact, I think I will have a little chat with the Captain right now!"

"Doctor, please," Erin grabbed his arm, but the Doctor was already heading out and on his way to the Captain's ready room.

~~~~~

Kathryn sat at her desk, rubbing her temples. She didn't get any sleep after Seven had left her quarters and her head was throbbing with pain. She also didn't look forward to telling Erin about Seven's findings. The door chime sounded unusually loud in her ears.

"Doctor, good to see you. I actually wanted to talk to you before I see Erin. Do you have suggestions on how to best tackle this?"

The Doctor looked slightly puzzled. "You did read Seven's report this morning, didn't you?" Kathryn informed.

"Report?" the Doctor asked. "I have been a little busy, I..." Kathryn handed him a padd. She got up and replicated herself another cup of coffee while the Doctor took in the information on the padd.

"Thank god she doesn't remember," the Doctor sighed when he was done reading.

"Exactly what I thought," Kathryn said, "but she has to know what happened, at least the gist of it."

"Agreed."

"Not a conversation I'm looking forward to, however."

"I'm afraid I can't really help you, Captain. You are the closest to her and she should hear this from you. I'm sure you will find a tactful way to tell her. I have every confidence in your abilities."

Kathryn flinched a little, not accustomed to hearing the Doctor speak so highly of anyone else but himself. "Thank you, Doctor" she said, although he really didn't say anything helpful.

"By the way, I thought you might like to know Erin has developed a rather serious crush on one of her shipmates," the Doctor said with a somewhat devious smile.

"Oh, really?" Kathryn attempted to sound neutral, although she felt a twinge of jealousy inside.

"Yes," the Doctor said excitedly, "And I have volunteered to play match maker!"

"I see," said Kathryn who was now getting really uncomfortable. "Well, that's nice, but I really don't have time for this right now. So if you'll excuse me..."

"But wouldn't you like to know who she's in love with?" The Doctor asked.

Kathryn considered this. Did she want to know? Part of her was afraid she'd rip the guy's lungs out if she did. There's no need to be quite to possessive, Kathryn, she told herself, You should be happy that Erin is moving on with her life. Still, she couldn't help feeling Erin should be moving on with her, rather than with somebody else. Then she noticed the Doctor's smug face and made a mental note to warn Erin about relationships with holograms. And if worst comes to worst, you can always delete him.

Kathryn shook that last thought quickly from her head. "I'm sure she will tell me herself, when she feels like it. Now I really need to get back to work."

"If you insist," the Doctor grumbled and left her alone.

The rest of the day went by antagonizingly slow. Kathryn's mind kept coming back to Erin and her dwindling love affair and kept feeling this wasn't right. When her duty shift was finally over, she went back to her quarters and prepared for telling Erin about the Kad Pi.

"Janeway to Erin."

"Erin here."

"We need to talk, can you meet me in my quarters?"

"On my way."

Kathryn replicated some wine and a couple of snacks. She wanted the atmosphere of the evening to be as light as possible considering the subject of the conversation.

When Erin entered she offered her a glass and asked her to sit down.

"You seem so serious," she said. "Is something the matter?"

"Actually, yes." Kathryn admitted. "A couple of days ago we ran into a Kad Pu ship. Or I should say Kad Pi ship, it seems the Northern faction has renamed itself."

Erin flinched. "What were they doing here?"

"Looking for you." Kathryn said.

"What? I... I don't understand."

"We didn't either, that's why I ordered a couple of my people to break into the ships systems and download the information in their computer."

She paused and looked Erin in the eye. "Erin, what I'm about to tell you, may not be easy for you but I believe you have a right to know."

"I don't want to know," Erin said firmly.

"I understand that, but..."

"No, I don't think you understand. I don't want to know and that's final."

"Erin..."

"My life is here now, on Voyager, as a human being. Everything that happened before this is no longer relevant. I don't want to know. Okay?"

"If that's what you want," Kathryn permitted. "Just know that the information will be available to you if and when you change your mind."

"That will not happen."

Kathryn leaned back in the couch, at a loss for words. She had prepared this conversation the entire afternoon and contemplated a lot of possible reaction from Erin. But she had not expected this. Even though when she stopped and thought about, it may not be so bad. Erin might be better off not knowing what happened, just as long as she knew she had a past and it was available to her. Then she remembered her earlier conversation with the Doctor.

"Erin, there is something else we need to talk about."

"What's that?"

"Holograms. I'm not sure if you quite understand the concept."

"What do you mean?"

"They are just light and photons. And although sometimes, like in the case of the Doctor, they reach a certain degree of sentience, they'll always be the product of computer technology and clever programming. They're not flesh and blood, Erin, whatever you experience with them, ultimately, is not real."

"I don't understand why you are telling me this."

"The Doctor and I had a talk earlier and he seemed to be under the impression that you have developed somewhat of an attraction to him."

"What?" Erin laughed. "What made you think that? Did he say that? That is just ridiculous!"

Then her face turned more serious, worried almost.

"Kathryn, he was gonna... oh god... what exactly did he say to you?"

"Don't worry. I told him I didn't want to know and that you would tell me yourself in due time. I have no right to mingle in your personal life, Erin. Whomever you choose to be your partner, is up to you. I was just worried when I thought the Doctor... I guess I just misunderstood what he was trying to tell me."

Erin seemed relieved that Kathryn didn't know anything, very relieved. Kathryn was somewhat insulted that Erin had confided in the Doctor but not in her. She thought they were good friends, that she had earned that trust. But apparently she hadn't as Erin seemed to make no attempt to tell her anything. In fact, she dodged the subject entirely and made an excuse to leave.

"Actually, I promised Neelix I'd stop by the mess hall tonight, he had some new recipe he wanted me to try. So if you don't mind..."

She headed for the door and turned back to Kathryn, who tried to hide the pain she felt inside.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to rush out on you, but I did promise him and it's getting pretty late."

"It's okay, Erin," Kathryn said and even managed to muster a smile, "you can always come back here if you want something decent to eat."

Erin laughed, such an endearing laugh she had, Kathryn had trouble maintaining her composure.

"You are so bad," she said, "Neelix really cooks some decent stuff sometimes and he always tries so hard. You should not be making fun of him."

"I stand corrected," Kathryn replied.

"Very well, I... I'll go now." All of a sudden she seemed to insecure as she scurried out of Kathryn's quarters, leaving the Captain behind in a state of disarray.

Where had she gone wrong? Where had she lost that special bond they had? Kathryn had never felt closer to anyone in her life and she could not believe that Erin didn't feel the same way. After all, they shared something so few people did, they had saved each other's life, literally. She felt the need to get to the bottom of this. The next morning, after she had started her duty shift and went to her ready room, she called Erin in.

"What do you say we meet on the holodeck after duty tonight?"

"Actually, I'd rather not." Erin said somewhat shyly.

Kathryn was dumbfounded. Why not?

"You wouldn't? You have other commitments?"

"No, I..." Erin seemed at a loss for words. "I think you and I should spend less time together."

"What? Why?" Apparently this situation was far worse than Kathryn had anticipated. What on earth was going on?

Erin looked up, apparently trying not to cry. But she failed in her attempts. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, it's just too hard for me to be around you."

"Because I remind you of your horrible time with the Kad Pu, I understand." Kathryn studied her shoes, unsure what to do with herself. She felt hurt, betrayed, disappointed. She enjoyed Erin's company so much, felt like she wanted to be around her all the time. And now Erin told her she wanted to stay away from her. And even though she understood the reasoning, she couldn't quite agree with it.

"It has nothing to do with that, Kathryn." Erin said. "Or maybe it does... I, that's when it all started, but I didn't realize the magnitude of it all until the Doctor turned me back into this human form and I actually thought I had a chance..."

Kathryn was completely lost. "Erin, what are you talking about? What are you trying to tell me?"

Erin heaved a deep sigh before she answered. "What I'm trying to tell you is that I love you. I've loved you from the day we met. But when I was still Kad Pu, I never even considered you could love me back. I never even expected to see you again. But then I came here and the Doctor made a human being and for a short little while I thought I might actually stand a chance with you. But quickly I realized I was fooling myself. You are just my friend and I respect that, but every time I see you, I hurt so much knowing that I can't touch you and I can't tell you how I feel and it's just getting too hard. The only way for me to cope with this if I just don't see you any more. At least not under personal circumstances."

Kathryn was silent. She had had no idea... So that's what the Doctor had been trying to tell her. That's why he looked so smug. For years he had been saying that she should find some romance in her life, that it would make her feel better, less lonely, more adept to deal with her difficult life here in the Delta Quadrant. And suddenly a lot of other pieces started falling into place. The pangs of jealousy every time Erin spent time with somebody else. The need to be with her, the way her stomach fluttered every time Erin laughed or looked her in the eye.

"Erin," she said. "I think I love you too."

Erin looked up, surprised.

"I have closed myself of for these kind of feelings for so long, that I just didn't recognize them until you just made me aware of it. I have felt attracted to you for a long time, but the realization of that just didn't work its way through to my conscious brain."

"But you are the Captain, you can't..."

"And under normal circumstances I probably wouldn't. But these aren't normal circumstances. And you are not Starfleet. And there is nothing standing in our way."

She leaned forward and carefully kissed Erin. She was not prepared for the shock that went through her body when her lips touched Erins. She gasped and held her breath until the feeling subsided somewhat. She stretched out her hand and placed it on Erin's arm, the skin of her fingers tingling from the contact. She moved her hand up until she reached Erin's neck and carefully pulled her face closer for another kiss. She parted her lips this time, letting her tongue slip through. Again, she found herself unprepared for what this contact did to her body. She felt herself glowing all over and she could think of nothing else than this, here, now. Until Erin carefully broke off the contact.

"Erin?"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to, it's just that I should be thrilled, ecstatic, overcome with joy. You cannot imagine how many times I have envisioned this moment in my brain. But now it's just too unreal and I think I'm numb with all the emotions flowing through me. Joy, fear, I don't know. I think I need some time."

Kathryn cursed herself for letting her physical desires get the better of her. She should have realized they couldn't just move into a relationship without taking the time to adjust to these new developments.

"I think I need some time, as well. But in the meantime I would still like to see you."

"I would like that, too."

"So I can count on you tonight?"

"You can."

Erin walked back to sickbay, leaving Kathryn behind with a lot of emotions streaming through her body. But she felt considerably happier then she had yesterday, or even earlier that day.

And she knew in her heart that she had come home.

On to Part IV: All I Am / Back to fanfic / Take me home

Note: Part IV was written solely to satisfy the romantics among us. It is completely devoid of a plot. Feel free to skip it :)