Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:8.9 love life
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From: gould#NoSpam.pilot.njin.net (Brian Jay Gould)
COLLEGE REJECTION LETTER
I wrote this letter many years ago:
Pennsylvania State University Admissions
Address
Dear Sir,
I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
coming years.
As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
institutions to further my education. And, although yours
ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.
Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not
qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It
merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
competing for my acceptance.
My best wishes for your future.
Sincerely,
Brian Jay Gould
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From: "Cerberus - Dog Of Hell" <cerberusNO#NoSpam.SPAMmystacy.fsnet.co.uk>
Before I Came To College I Wish I Had Known..."
That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my
first class, I'd sleep right through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize
it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of
different ways.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you
why you're so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school--so what?
(really?)
That I would go to a party the night before a
final.
That chem labs require more time than all my
classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything I found
out about my roommate.
That home is a great place to visit.
That most of my education would be obtained outside
of my classes.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people my parents
warned me about.
That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
That when someone wants to 'borrow' something, they
mean that they want to keep it forever.
That Psychology is really Biology,
That Biology is really Chemistry,
That Chemistry is really Physics,
And Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the
last few years.
That it's possible to be alone even when you are
surrounded by friends.
That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!!
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From: Peter Fritz <p#NoSpam.fritz.as>
A Daughter's Letter
Dear Mother and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are
sitting down. Okay?
Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only
get those sick headaches one a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called
the Fire Department and the ambulance.
He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because
of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is
a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get
married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my
pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test
and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin
injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the
family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is
ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I
know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by
the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure
that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am
told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department
he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.
Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that
there was NO dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I
do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am
getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I wanted you to see
those marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, ...
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From laird#NoSpam.cs.byu.edu Sat Apr 04 02:30:02 1998
Special Category: Top Reasons
Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college
students
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and
written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria
food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse#NoSpam.romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They
didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter.
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From: Nancy Carson <JMFS19A#NoSpam.prodigy.com>
PSALM OF THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR
Dr. [ ] is my professor.
I shall not pass.
He maketh me to exhibit mine ignorance before the whole
class.
He telleth me more than I can write.
He lowreth mine grades.
Yea, though I walk through the corridors of knowledge,
I do not learn.
He tryeth to teach me.
He writeth equations before me in hopes that I will
understand them.
He bombardeth my head with integrations.
My calculator freezeth up.
Surely enthalpies and entropies shall follow me all the
days of my life
And I shall dwell in the School of Engineering forever.
Found in the Colorado Engineer magazine, author unknown
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The Student's Psalm 23
(anonymous)
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restores my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades' sake.
Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For Thou art with me;
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me the answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding,
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of examinations;
And I shall not have to dwell in this university
Forever!
Amen!
////////\\\\ ////\\\\\\\
||||||||||||||||\\ //||||||||| |||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\|//////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\|/////////////// in
\\\\\\\\\\\|//////////
\\\|///
\|/
||||| Because:
||||| (for those of you stressing out, etc..)
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| God heals the brokenhearted
||||| and bandages their wounds.
|||||
||||| Psalm 147:3
|||||
|||||
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From: strange#NoSpam.cats.ucsc.edu This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and may not be suitable for posting on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is. *************************** You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering. There is an unfinished lab book here. There is a chemistry book here. There are socks here. There are empty beer bottles here. There is a computer here. There are six moldy bananas here. There are several tons of dirty laundry here. There are shattering cups here. There is a refrigerator here. There is a desk with drawers here. > turn off music Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering. > play beach boys Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points. > fix stereo The stereo is shattered beyond repair. > curse stereo "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!" The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room is making it hard to move. > look at socks They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move. > clean up socks. You can't. They're all welded together. > throw socks out window They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the ground, and shatter. > leave room 24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit. > kick dave Dave doesn't seem to notice. > yell at dave Dave doesn't seem to notice. > feed dave Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more. > eat dave's head You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice. Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here. > work on lab book You don't have the lab book. > pick up lab book It is very heavy. You are carrying too much. > inventory You are carrying: A +10 cut-offs of tumescence A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. A very large ring of Keys. A (much too small) bag of weed. A package +3 papers of zig-zag. > look papers The papers are blank. > drop keys You load lightens considerably. > pick up lab book You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end. > do chemistry lab You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does the lab. You are thirsty. > open refrigerator A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed. > drink cheap beer You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters something about being left out. > kick dave Dave doesn't seem to notice. > offer beer to dave Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and leaves. > leave room You can't. You're suffering from a hangover. > open desk There is some aspirin here. > eat aspirin YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better. > leave room The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings. > unlock door You can't. Your keys are in the room. > open doors You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave. > leave room As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks. You are back in the hall. You are hungry. > south You come to a lounge. There is a door here. There are two chairs here. There is a desk here. Tony is here, studying chemistry. > greet tony Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit." > commiserate with tony Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are still hungry. > open door There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the west. There is a walkway to the south. > down There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They comment loudly on your nudity. > west You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the cafeteria is to the north. > north They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly ejected. > inventory You are carrying: A +10 cut-offs of tumescence A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. An (even smaller) bag of weed. A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag. > wear shirt You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die. > wear shorts You are now a bulging wonder. > north You are in a room full of simulated food. > eat food You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous. > south You are in a quad. > smoke weed You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10 points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of Spam. > north You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable munchables. > eat food You need a tray first. > get tray You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion. > eat food You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites you are full. You have food poisoning. > leave You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food poisoning. > search cafeteria You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar. > drink bottle Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre- enrollment line? > take small sip A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out. > take small small sip You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract, killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning. You pass out. After two hours, you wake up. You are in a quad. > west You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world does a tap dance on your face. > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz. > west There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path. > kick lesbian She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist bastard. > wait The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive patriarchal system. > smell lesbian Don't do that. > pull leg hairs You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q. points. You wake up numb from the waist down. You are in a quad. > west There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path. > bash male sex The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off. > west This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west. The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a path to the southwest. > southwest You arrive at the mailhouse. > look in mailbox There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation. > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box. > look in box The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split- second reflexes. > wait Time passes.... > wait Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box. > lunge You get your spot. > look in box It's packed to the bursting point. > open box You goof up. > again You goof up. > again You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here. There is a letter here. > read letter You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love letter... from a total stranger. > check address Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been airboxed. > north You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to get to their boxes. > howl Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in confusion, giving you time to make your escape. > north You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to follow you, hoping for more. There is a very small grove of trees to the east. > east You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others. There are some fembots here. > north You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others. There are some fembots here. > north You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others. There are some fembots here. > southeast You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others. There are some fembots here. > east You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others. There are some fembots here. > south You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others. There are some fembots here. > south You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others. There are some fembots here. > north You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others. There are some fembots here. > west You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner. There are some fembots here. There are some shattered sweat socks here. There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here. There is a book of matches here. There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the lamppost. > Get matches. Taken. > burn notice Don't you want to see what it says first? > burn notice There are many trees nearby. > burn notice godammit You must first light a match. > light match The match refuses to burn. > drop match You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest. > light second match The second match bursts into flame. > burn notice The notice burns with a pleasant green flame. > get bottle You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!" > north You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a north-south path here. There are some fembots here. There are some protesters here. Your fingers are getting warm. > north You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a building to the north. There are some fembots here. There is some chanting coming from the south. Your fingers are burning. > Drop match You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn. > Suck on fingers The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave. The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now. There is a match burning on the ground. > step on match You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the process. You should remember to wear shoes more often. There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground. > wear shoes You move very quietly now. > north You smack your head into the building. The building does not move. Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam. > east You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West. > east You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have not attended in three weeks. > sit You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself, causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you a copy of the midterm. > look test You look at the test. The problems on the first page are impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse. Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points. > do test This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator. You realize that failing this exam means failing the course. > borrow pencil Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize your request. > steal pencil You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not notice. > do test You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct. > do second problem Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental resources. You suffer a brain embolism. > do problem You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot move. > wait Time passes... > wait Time passes... > wait Time passes. You can move now. > smoke test Do you really want to do that? > smoke test As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to turn in. > write answers What do you want to write the answers on? > paper You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have truly smoked this test. > east You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east. > north You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut behind you. > Tie shoelaces You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now only be removed by surgery.
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From rv#NoSpam.fore.com
These are not mine. I couldn't locate the author. But they are quite
funny. So, here they are:
The letter to dad:
------------------------------------------------
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o
if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love,
Your $on.
The Reply:
------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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From: hjiwa#NoSpam.nor.chevron.com
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation
class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop
tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
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From: "*G - P*" <G*P#NoSpam.G*P.Com>
TIPS FOR SURVIVING COLLEGE
* Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
* Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
* Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until
someone loses their 'nads.
* Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
* Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home
pharmaceuticals" business.
* If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
* Boring lecture? Start a wave!
* College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle
dinner.
* "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
* Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
* Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page
senior essay.
* Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
* Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as
"acing Biology."
* In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast
cereal.
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From: "*G - P*" <G*P#NoSpam.G*P.Com>
HIGH SCHOOL VS. COLLEGE
* In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
* No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be
provided at an event before students will come.
* In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on
both.
* In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the
teacher's guide.
* In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
* In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to
live with your friends.
* In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
* Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn't heard of it.
* In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to
choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the
prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
* In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of
it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
* In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college,
by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
* In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than
your high school final exams ever did.
* In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back.
In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
* In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys
hit on freshman girls.
* In college, weekends start on Thursday.
* In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of
the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will
be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
* Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more
time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she
will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
* In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
* In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
* In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
* College men are cuter than high school boys.
* College women are legal.
* In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note
from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
* In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In
college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
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From: "*G - P*" <G*P#NoSpam.G*P.Com> Special Category: Definitions and terms Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.
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Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: Naughtelicious#NoSpam.webtv.net (ःँऩँहगई)
Definitions From The College Dictionary
Cafeteria:
From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria" meaning to
wretch.
Major:
Area of study that no longer interests you.
Student Athlete:
See "contraction in terms."
Grade:
Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.
Summer School:
A viable alternative to a summer job.
Quarter:
The most coveted form of currency on campus.
Hunger:
Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.
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From: "Capt. Spastic" <captspastic#NoSpam.austin.rr.com> Special Category: Top Reasons Top 10 Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break 10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball. 9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper. 8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello. 7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper. 6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days. 5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather. 4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!" 3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave 2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own. 1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!
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From: ouroborous#NoSpam.z.pl Lukasz Kiczko [Poland] The three biggest lies of a student: 1. Tomorrow I start learning. 2. Tomorrow I stop drinking. 3. Thank you, I'm not really hungry.
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From: "*G * P*" <G*P#NoSpam.G*P.Com>
MODEL LETTER TO PARENTS FROM A COLLEGE STUDENT
Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
interest to both of us.
Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
Health:
__ I have gained _____ pounds
__ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
__ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
__ I died yesterday!
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning
Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,
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Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X").
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