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2007-09-21
First check-up
Today was Julia's birthday. I had expected I would be fit enough to give her a great time, but instead I was still sitting on the couch, feeling totally sick. I had not even been able to go and buy her a present. What a difference with two years ago, when I brought her a seranade. She still deserved one, we were going through this difficult time together and she kept on loving me and caring for me!
Instead of celebrating her birthday, we had to go to the hospital again today for a check on my healing process. It was a good time for a talk with the doctor, because the slow rate of my recovery was worrying me. And Julia said I looked much too pale. Maybe I was suffering from anaemia? So we asked for an extra blood test to have that verified.
Of course this check-up also included in inspection of the operation area, outside and inside. Doctor Bouwman came to have a look too. Everything still looked too swollen, almost like a caricature of what it should have looked like, but the doctors are not worried at all. Their main concern is making sure that all the tissue looks healthy and no blood vessels have been blocked. And that seemed to be looking fine, so they were satisfied with the results.
I have also tried to get some more clarity on the actual procedure they used in the operation. Did we, or did we not get the "Thai method"? Well, yes and no, it turned out the way the operation is done is constantly being adapted to the latest insights. So the treatment I was given, was indeed different from what doctor Bouwman told me many months earlier. So it looks like you have to keep on asking at the VU if everything is still the same as you were told last time...
The hospital promised to call me if there was anything wrong with the blood tests, but they never did. I guess my blood was OK then...
Instead of celebrating her birthday, we had to go to the hospital again today for a check on my healing process. It was a good time for a talk with the doctor, because the slow rate of my recovery was worrying me. And Julia said I looked much too pale. Maybe I was suffering from anaemia? So we asked for an extra blood test to have that verified.
Of course this check-up also included in inspection of the operation area, outside and inside. Doctor Bouwman came to have a look too. Everything still looked too swollen, almost like a caricature of what it should have looked like, but the doctors are not worried at all. Their main concern is making sure that all the tissue looks healthy and no blood vessels have been blocked. And that seemed to be looking fine, so they were satisfied with the results.
I have also tried to get some more clarity on the actual procedure they used in the operation. Did we, or did we not get the "Thai method"? Well, yes and no, it turned out the way the operation is done is constantly being adapted to the latest insights. So the treatment I was given, was indeed different from what doctor Bouwman told me many months earlier. So it looks like you have to keep on asking at the VU if everything is still the same as you were told last time...
The hospital promised to call me if there was anything wrong with the blood tests, but they never did. I guess my blood was OK then...
Labels: medical
2007-09-16
I am recieving lots of mail from friends, colleagues and family. It feels really great to see so many people are interested in my situation. But clearly people do not really know what they should say to me: Some postcards say "Congratulations", others say "Get well soon"...
But no matter what is written on the cards, it is all appropriate. And it is all written with a positive intention. So it all makes me happy!
But no matter what is written on the cards, it is all appropriate. And it is all written with a positive intention. So it all makes me happy!
2007-09-12
Going home
I spent another night in the hospital, I really did not feel ready to travel home on Tuesday. The doctor did a final inspection this morning. Although my tissue was more swollen than average on day #5, there was not reason to be worried: We don't all heal equally fast.
Of course Julia was at the steering wheel again. For me it was difficult enough to sit upright in the passenger's seat, I would not have been able to drive the car myself.
Half way between Amsterdam and Eindhoven we took a break at a restaurant. Not one of those boring places along the freeway, but at "Paviljoen de Colonie" in Waardenburg. This turned out to be a good choice. We took a coffee and Julia ordered an apfelstrudel with it. An apfelstrudel was too heavy for me but Julia's strudel came with some fruit. That was perfect for me. Fruits! Just what I wanted!
When we finally came home I got into bed at once. Wonderful. The beds in the hospital are good quality, but there is nothing like your very own bed!
Of course Julia was at the steering wheel again. For me it was difficult enough to sit upright in the passenger's seat, I would not have been able to drive the car myself.
Half way between Amsterdam and Eindhoven we took a break at a restaurant. Not one of those boring places along the freeway, but at "Paviljoen de Colonie" in Waardenburg. This turned out to be a good choice. We took a coffee and Julia ordered an apfelstrudel with it. An apfelstrudel was too heavy for me but Julia's strudel came with some fruit. That was perfect for me. Fruits! Just what I wanted!
When we finally came home I got into bed at once. Wonderful. The beds in the hospital are good quality, but there is nothing like your very own bed!
Labels: medical
2007-09-11
To pee
"Today is the big day", said the doctor when he came into the room. I thought he was talking about my roommate, who would get her operation today, but he is also referring to me. It was time to remove the tampon, which has been placed inside me at the end of the operation. This scared me and indeed it turned out to be quite a serious event. People told me afterwards I cursed and that doesn't surprise me! I think I have some idea of what it must be like to give birth to a child now, even though this tampon is smaller, more like an average-sized aubergine than like a baby.
The last drain and the catheter were also removed, so finally I was free! I could get out of the bed again. Now I could take a shower and go to the bathroom too... Well, peeing was something I would have to learn again, I had no idea how to do that, but after some failed attempts, it worked.
It was very noticeable I had not been standing or walking for a few days, I felt very unstable. I did not feel as strong as my previous roommate, who left the hospital a few hours after her catheter had been removed.
The last drain and the catheter were also removed, so finally I was free! I could get out of the bed again. Now I could take a shower and go to the bathroom too... Well, peeing was something I would have to learn again, I had no idea how to do that, but after some failed attempts, it worked.
It was very noticeable I had not been standing or walking for a few days, I felt very unstable. I did not feel as strong as my previous roommate, who left the hospital a few hours after her catheter had been removed.
Labels: medical
2007-09-10
Bowel motions
On Monday the last drain still had to stay in, but maybe I would be allowed to eat something. I got a laxative medicine and I was promised a biscuit after the first bowel movement. And I was allowed to fill in the menu-lists for tomorrow. Wow! It was so great to order all kinds of food as if eating was just a normal thing!
A lady from Humanitas Amsterdam came to visit me today. They have a group of volunteers who visit all transsexuals in the VU-hospital who want that. And I did want it. I have very good experiences with Humanitas, not Humanitas Amsterdam, but their colleagues in Rotterdam. Humanitas was the first professional institution where I found some help years ago at the start of my transition process and they were a great help to me.
The conversation with this lady turned out to be very interesting. Once again it became clear how lucky I am, most transsexuals or in a much worse situation. Many lose their jobs, their spouse, their family and/or their friends. I was able to keep all that and even successfully applied for a new job.
I also got a new roommate today. She was here for the same operation I got. She was taking it very lightly: "I have bought three books, for three days in the hospital."
Three days? Well, she was clearly in for a disappointment, nobody gets out of here in three days.
It is striking how little we know about our operation, even now that we are in the hospital already. We all have a different picture of it. The lady who was treated before me, was convinced we would all get the "Thai treatment", meaning that most of the glans would be reused for creating the inner labia, in contrast with the method that used to be common in the VU, where most of the glans was simply thrown away. My new roommate is convinced there is a large difference between one surgeon in the VU And the others. She had been offered the chance to be here a few days earlier, in my place really, but she refused, knowing that another doctor would do the operation if she came in on September 6th. "I only want to be operated by Doctor Bouwman", she said.
I never thought of the possibility of refusing to be scheduled on September 6th., but it was my impression I would have to way for weeks again if I would have said no. Now it turns out the difference is only a few days! "Nous ne savons rien!" ("We know nothing.")
At 1:30 PM I had the first bowel motion and a dicussion with the nurse followed: Was this enough to get the biscuit I was promised? Fortunately the doctor ruled it was indeed enough and one hour later I am actually eating! Not one biscuit, but even two. Top quality wholemeal biscuits, individually sealed in plastic. I cover them in raspberry jelly and enjoy. Delicious!
In the evening I got a visit from my sister and my brother-in-law.
It had been a very eventful and tiring day, but I had trouble to get to sleep that night. The bouquet of flowers the Humanitas lady brought is full of flowers with a strong, delicious fragrance. It reminded me of all kinds of fruits. Apples, pineapples, oranges... Even though I did get something to eat today, my stomach and intestine were still very empty. In the twilight zone between dreaming and being awake I had fantasies about a continental breakfast like I used to get in the hotel near my work. Highlight: Fruits in heavy syrup!
A lady from Humanitas Amsterdam came to visit me today. They have a group of volunteers who visit all transsexuals in the VU-hospital who want that. And I did want it. I have very good experiences with Humanitas, not Humanitas Amsterdam, but their colleagues in Rotterdam. Humanitas was the first professional institution where I found some help years ago at the start of my transition process and they were a great help to me.
The conversation with this lady turned out to be very interesting. Once again it became clear how lucky I am, most transsexuals or in a much worse situation. Many lose their jobs, their spouse, their family and/or their friends. I was able to keep all that and even successfully applied for a new job.
I also got a new roommate today. She was here for the same operation I got. She was taking it very lightly: "I have bought three books, for three days in the hospital."
Three days? Well, she was clearly in for a disappointment, nobody gets out of here in three days.
It is striking how little we know about our operation, even now that we are in the hospital already. We all have a different picture of it. The lady who was treated before me, was convinced we would all get the "Thai treatment", meaning that most of the glans would be reused for creating the inner labia, in contrast with the method that used to be common in the VU, where most of the glans was simply thrown away. My new roommate is convinced there is a large difference between one surgeon in the VU And the others. She had been offered the chance to be here a few days earlier, in my place really, but she refused, knowing that another doctor would do the operation if she came in on September 6th. "I only want to be operated by Doctor Bouwman", she said.
I never thought of the possibility of refusing to be scheduled on September 6th., but it was my impression I would have to way for weeks again if I would have said no. Now it turns out the difference is only a few days! "Nous ne savons rien!" ("We know nothing.")
At 1:30 PM I had the first bowel motion and a dicussion with the nurse followed: Was this enough to get the biscuit I was promised? Fortunately the doctor ruled it was indeed enough and one hour later I am actually eating! Not one biscuit, but even two. Top quality wholemeal biscuits, individually sealed in plastic. I cover them in raspberry jelly and enjoy. Delicious!
In the evening I got a visit from my sister and my brother-in-law.
It had been a very eventful and tiring day, but I had trouble to get to sleep that night. The bouquet of flowers the Humanitas lady brought is full of flowers with a strong, delicious fragrance. It reminded me of all kinds of fruits. Apples, pineapples, oranges... Even though I did get something to eat today, my stomach and intestine were still very empty. In the twilight zone between dreaming and being awake I had fantasies about a continental breakfast like I used to get in the hotel near my work. Highlight: Fruits in heavy syrup!
Labels: medical
2007-09-09
Waiting
On Sunday it is business as usual in the hospital. One more drain was removed, now there was only one left. And that awful catheter of course...
My good friends M and M from Belgium had planned to visit me today, but they couldn't make it: M called me with the news his car broke down. What a pity. I was really looking forward to seeing them, they have been following my transformation process with a lot of interest and I feel they are real friends with whom I can share anything that is on my mind, even the most intimate things. Friends like that are hard to find!
On the bright side: My parents did come to visit me today.
I took a large stack of books with me to the hospital, but after finishing the first one of them I lost interest. I was not able to concentrate on reading. I did watch a lot of TV and I slept a lot.
My good friends M and M from Belgium had planned to visit me today, but they couldn't make it: M called me with the news his car broke down. What a pity. I was really looking forward to seeing them, they have been following my transformation process with a lot of interest and I feel they are real friends with whom I can share anything that is on my mind, even the most intimate things. Friends like that are hard to find!
On the bright side: My parents did come to visit me today.
I took a large stack of books with me to the hospital, but after finishing the first one of them I lost interest. I was not able to concentrate on reading. I did watch a lot of TV and I slept a lot.
Labels: medical
2007-09-08
To Eat
Today my urine had a much better colour than yesterday, I wonder why? 
But I still wasn't allowed to eat... My fantasies were full of nice foods... How about an English breakfast? Bacon and eggs, toast with jelly, some sausages, well, maybe even white beans in tomato sauce...
Luckly the war between the catering lady and me only lasted for a day. I think I was just a little over-stressed. Nobody was caring over me and I felt neglected... It turned out afterwards she did have water, she just didn't have a jug to serve it in. She was really very nice and gave me two cups of tea instead of one every time. that is a difference of one pint (400 ml) of liquids in a day.
My room-mate did get a breakfast, but she didn't want it! Yesterday she had her first bowel motion and nobody showed up to help her clean herself. Sha did not want that to happen again.
The doctor had some good news today: Three of my drains had only produced little blood and could now be removed. That turned out to be quite a painful event!
And my room-mate got even better news: Her catheter was to be removed! She would finally be released, after five days in bed. So she got up to have a nice shower. And a few hours later, she left the hospital! She was sick and tired of this place "Les conards!" ("The Bastards") all she wanted was to go home.
So now I was alone in the room. Even the bed was taken out and the room seemed very empty. There was now a "dance floor" on the place where her bed used to be. Well, only my visitors could dance of course, I was still stuck in my bed. This is the first time I got to be alone with my confused feelings and cry...
Julia was faithfully visiting me three times a day, but today she brought my old and dear friend W along! That was nice! And W was also keeping Julia a little companyl she went into the city of Amsterdam with him today.
Time was passing very slowly. And I was hungry! My thoughts went to a medium--done stake with mushroom sauce, broccoli and haricots verts, with these funny little towers made of mashed potatoes, put under the grill to get a nice brown colour. And I'll have a fresh carrot salat with that, please!
But I still wasn't allowed to eat... My fantasies were full of nice foods... How about an English breakfast? Bacon and eggs, toast with jelly, some sausages, well, maybe even white beans in tomato sauce...
Luckly the war between the catering lady and me only lasted for a day. I think I was just a little over-stressed. Nobody was caring over me and I felt neglected... It turned out afterwards she did have water, she just didn't have a jug to serve it in. She was really very nice and gave me two cups of tea instead of one every time. that is a difference of one pint (400 ml) of liquids in a day.
My room-mate did get a breakfast, but she didn't want it! Yesterday she had her first bowel motion and nobody showed up to help her clean herself. Sha did not want that to happen again.
The doctor had some good news today: Three of my drains had only produced little blood and could now be removed. That turned out to be quite a painful event!
And my room-mate got even better news: Her catheter was to be removed! She would finally be released, after five days in bed. So she got up to have a nice shower. And a few hours later, she left the hospital! She was sick and tired of this place "Les conards!" ("The Bastards") all she wanted was to go home.
So now I was alone in the room. Even the bed was taken out and the room seemed very empty. There was now a "dance floor" on the place where her bed used to be. Well, only my visitors could dance of course, I was still stuck in my bed. This is the first time I got to be alone with my confused feelings and cry...
Julia was faithfully visiting me three times a day, but today she brought my old and dear friend W along! That was nice! And W was also keeping Julia a little companyl she went into the city of Amsterdam with him today.
Time was passing very slowly. And I was hungry! My thoughts went to a medium--done stake with mushroom sauce, broccoli and haricots verts, with these funny little towers made of mashed potatoes, put under the grill to get a nice brown colour. And I'll have a fresh carrot salat with that, please!
Labels: medical
2007-09-07
To Drink
The next day life started early again in the hospital. 5:30 AM: Check on my drains and urine. I did not drink enough: The urine is dark-colored. Bloed pressure and temperature were OK.
I did not feel good. Couldn't sit nor lie, every change in sitting position hurt me. As long as I stayed motionless I felt sort-of OK. At 7:30 a new cornucopia of pills was brought. OK, OK, I take them...
Later in the morning the doctor came to have a look at me. He was very satisfied with the result. Personally I was not so enthusiastic: the operation area was all swollen and purple, but apparently it was supposed to look like that.
The days were long and boring. I could not do anything, could not get out of bed, could not eat. I did have to drink, but it was even difficult to attract the attention of the nurses to have my glass of water filled. Really I am not too lazy to fill my own glass, I just could not do it myself! Finally the nurse promised me the caterer would bring me a large can of water. But when the caterer finally arrived, she was without water!
This made me upset, but I still tried to make a joke of it: "There is no water? Why? Is the kitchen closed?" But that joke did not work very well. Now the catering lady was angry and insulted.
Well, I decided to handle the situation myself. I called Julia and asked her to go buy some mineral water in the shop and bring it on the next visiting hour. I can't help I have to say they are not taking good care of the patients here if you even have to import your own water! When it comes to sending bills they act a lot more quickly...
I did not feel good. Couldn't sit nor lie, every change in sitting position hurt me. As long as I stayed motionless I felt sort-of OK. At 7:30 a new cornucopia of pills was brought. OK, OK, I take them...
Later in the morning the doctor came to have a look at me. He was very satisfied with the result. Personally I was not so enthusiastic: the operation area was all swollen and purple, but apparently it was supposed to look like that.
The days were long and boring. I could not do anything, could not get out of bed, could not eat. I did have to drink, but it was even difficult to attract the attention of the nurses to have my glass of water filled. Really I am not too lazy to fill my own glass, I just could not do it myself! Finally the nurse promised me the caterer would bring me a large can of water. But when the caterer finally arrived, she was without water!
This made me upset, but I still tried to make a joke of it: "There is no water? Why? Is the kitchen closed?" But that joke did not work very well. Now the catering lady was angry and insulted.
Well, I decided to handle the situation myself. I called Julia and asked her to go buy some mineral water in the shop and bring it on the next visiting hour. I can't help I have to say they are not taking good care of the patients here if you even have to import your own water! When it comes to sending bills they act a lot more quickly...
Labels: medical
2007-09-06
Operation
They like to start the day early in the hospital. At 6 AM I had to go take a shower and put on my operation jacket. I knew this would be my last shower in a long time, so I washed myself very thoroughly. And some body parts I washed for the last time...Then I went back to my bed and let it all come over me. As soon as the infusion needle was in my arm, it was already over and I found myself coming round in the recovery room. I felt very cold. I could not feel the arm with the needle in it. I was only vaguely aware of my surroundings, even of myself. I heard something had gone wrong, I had had an unusual bleeding, but I could not really understand.
When I was finally brought back to the ward, it was several hours later than scheduled. On my bedside table was a present for me, but I did not have the strength to pick it up. Intoxicated by yet another shot of morfine I was soon back in dreamland.
When I woke up again, Julia was standing next to my bed. She had been quite worried when the operation took so long and she did not hear any news about me. She handed me the present and I did manage to unpack it. You can see what was in it in the picture. There is hardly a more suitable present for this occasion: Yes indeed, it's a girl!
Labels: medical
2007-09-05
Hospitalized
Today is the day: Check-in at the VU hospital in Amsterdam for the big operation!
Yesterday we packed everything we would be needing... Or so we thought! We were a few blocks away from my house when I remembered I forgot my insurance papers. Back! As I got into the house to get them, Julia lit a cigaret. She did not want to smoke in front of me, because I am not allowed to smoke! The sweetheart! There is no need for that, she can smoke as much as she likes...
Without too many (traffic jam) problems we reached Amsterdam. We first checked in Julia in the guest hostel of the hospital. Family members of the patients can stay there at a very reasonable price and be close to their loved ones all the time. We got a warm welcome with a cup of coffee, which I had to decline, because I am not sure whether I am allowed to drink at all on the day before the operation...
It turns out we can see the wing of the hospital building where I will be staying from Julia's window. And we soon find out I can also see her room from the ward; well, not from my bed, only when I stand in front of the window.
As I was hoping and expecting my room mate is here for same reason as I am: she had the very same operation I am waiting for on Sunday. She is a Française, une Parisienne even, but she is married to a Dutch man. Just like me she has an education in exact sciences, but a lot of interest in languages. She works as a translator, translating Russian texts into French. She speaks very good Dutch, but we can also nicely chat in French. (This will be our secret language the nurses don't understand.)
Tomorrow at 8 AM I will be in the operating room...
Yesterday we packed everything we would be needing... Or so we thought! We were a few blocks away from my house when I remembered I forgot my insurance papers. Back! As I got into the house to get them, Julia lit a cigaret. She did not want to smoke in front of me, because I am not allowed to smoke! The sweetheart! There is no need for that, she can smoke as much as she likes...
Without too many (traffic jam) problems we reached Amsterdam. We first checked in Julia in the guest hostel of the hospital. Family members of the patients can stay there at a very reasonable price and be close to their loved ones all the time. We got a warm welcome with a cup of coffee, which I had to decline, because I am not sure whether I am allowed to drink at all on the day before the operation...
It turns out we can see the wing of the hospital building where I will be staying from Julia's window. And we soon find out I can also see her room from the ward; well, not from my bed, only when I stand in front of the window.
As I was hoping and expecting my room mate is here for same reason as I am: she had the very same operation I am waiting for on Sunday. She is a Française, une Parisienne even, but she is married to a Dutch man. Just like me she has an education in exact sciences, but a lot of interest in languages. She works as a translator, translating Russian texts into French. She speaks very good Dutch, but we can also nicely chat in French. (This will be our secret language the nurses don't understand.
)Tomorrow at 8 AM I will be in the operating room...
Labels: medical
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