English
Nederlands
2006-04-30
Thirty-eighth Column
Tonight my thirty-eighth column was broadcast in Gendertalk #557.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://www.eveliensnel.com/audio/SMOKE01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
Smoking
This week I had the usual appointments with the gender team specialists in the VU-hospital in Amsterdam. I have to go there once every three months for a check-up of my hormone levels and for a chat with the psychologist about my progress in my real life test.
Of course monitoring the hormone levels in my blood is very useful. Hormones are very powerful stuff and medical supervision is absolutely necessary if you take them. And besides hormones they are monitoring many other things in my blood, like the cholesterol level.
Last year and the year before they have also made X-ray pictures of my hip-bone and the lower vertebrae in my back. And the conclusion from those pictures is that I am suffering from osteoporosis, that means there is too little chalk in my bones. Nobody would ever have noticed that if it hadn't been for the close medical monitoring I undergo to prepare for my sex-change.
So besides hormones the endocrinologist is also prescribing me calcium and vitamin D to strengthen my bones. And he had a serious talk with me:
"Do you smoke?"
"Yes, I still do..."
"Well, it is your life and you have to make your own decisions. But you will have to deal with the consequences. Smoking is very bad for people who suffer from osteoporosis. It is also very risky to smoke while you take estrogen."
Our second visit in the hospital was with my psychologist. It is her duty to follow my progress during my real life test, but that is not very useful in my case. I did my own real life test before I ever set foot in the hospital. Coming out to my environment is long behind me and living full time as a woman is normal for me. But still these visits with the psychologist are mandatory and are part of the strict protocol the hospital has to follow in sex-change processes.
So we chatted about how unfair it is I have to go through the standard protocol even though I am so much ahead in my transition compared to other people who made their first visit to the hospital on the same date as I did. Of course this is unfair to me, but on the other hand if the hospital would acknowledge the fact that I had been living as a woman for more then a year before I first entered the hospital, they would soon get many more transsexuals who make the same claim, just to speed up their transition.
So it is the same protocol for everyone. I can accept that. And my real life test is nearly completed anyway. But then we get to the next stage: The waiting-list for the operation. It is completely unclear how long I will have to be on that list. It could be anywhere between 6 to 12 months. And the gender team does not make any predictions about the date. They did do that in the past, but due to circumstances beyond their control they were not always able to fulfill those promises and that caused many problems.
By the end of our chat, we came to the subject of smoking. It is the rule you have to stop smoking at least six weeks before the operation. So the psychologist gave me some homework to do: Next time I visit with her, I'll have to tell her what method I will use to quit smoking.
My third appointment was with the speech therapist. I see my own speech therapist for practical exercises every two weeks, but the therapist in the hospital is monitoring the state of the vocal chords inside my throat. It is possible to overstress those if you force your voice too much. So they put a camera in your throat and film the vocal chords while you make a noise. Mine looked very healthy indeed, but the area around them looked somewhat red and irritated.
"This may be caused by smoking too much", said the speech therapist.
Well I think the point is clear: I have to quit smoking. All the three specialists I saw that day pointed that out to me in one way or another. I should have known that and to be honest I did know it of course, although I didn't want to admit it. And I guess now is a better moment to work on it than short before my operation. At least it is something I can work on, something to actively pursue. That is better than passively waiting until it is finally my turn.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://www.eveliensnel.com/audio/SMOKE01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
This week I had the usual appointments with the gender team specialists in the VU-hospital in Amsterdam. I have to go there once every three months for a check-up of my hormone levels and for a chat with the psychologist about my progress in my real life test.
Of course monitoring the hormone levels in my blood is very useful. Hormones are very powerful stuff and medical supervision is absolutely necessary if you take them. And besides hormones they are monitoring many other things in my blood, like the cholesterol level.
Last year and the year before they have also made X-ray pictures of my hip-bone and the lower vertebrae in my back. And the conclusion from those pictures is that I am suffering from osteoporosis, that means there is too little chalk in my bones. Nobody would ever have noticed that if it hadn't been for the close medical monitoring I undergo to prepare for my sex-change.
So besides hormones the endocrinologist is also prescribing me calcium and vitamin D to strengthen my bones. And he had a serious talk with me:
"Do you smoke?"
"Yes, I still do..."
"Well, it is your life and you have to make your own decisions. But you will have to deal with the consequences. Smoking is very bad for people who suffer from osteoporosis. It is also very risky to smoke while you take estrogen."
Our second visit in the hospital was with my psychologist. It is her duty to follow my progress during my real life test, but that is not very useful in my case. I did my own real life test before I ever set foot in the hospital. Coming out to my environment is long behind me and living full time as a woman is normal for me. But still these visits with the psychologist are mandatory and are part of the strict protocol the hospital has to follow in sex-change processes.
So we chatted about how unfair it is I have to go through the standard protocol even though I am so much ahead in my transition compared to other people who made their first visit to the hospital on the same date as I did. Of course this is unfair to me, but on the other hand if the hospital would acknowledge the fact that I had been living as a woman for more then a year before I first entered the hospital, they would soon get many more transsexuals who make the same claim, just to speed up their transition.
So it is the same protocol for everyone. I can accept that. And my real life test is nearly completed anyway. But then we get to the next stage: The waiting-list for the operation. It is completely unclear how long I will have to be on that list. It could be anywhere between 6 to 12 months. And the gender team does not make any predictions about the date. They did do that in the past, but due to circumstances beyond their control they were not always able to fulfill those promises and that caused many problems.
By the end of our chat, we came to the subject of smoking. It is the rule you have to stop smoking at least six weeks before the operation. So the psychologist gave me some homework to do: Next time I visit with her, I'll have to tell her what method I will use to quit smoking.
My third appointment was with the speech therapist. I see my own speech therapist for practical exercises every two weeks, but the therapist in the hospital is monitoring the state of the vocal chords inside my throat. It is possible to overstress those if you force your voice too much. So they put a camera in your throat and film the vocal chords while you make a noise. Mine looked very healthy indeed, but the area around them looked somewhat red and irritated.
"This may be caused by smoking too much", said the speech therapist.
Well I think the point is clear: I have to quit smoking. All the three specialists I saw that day pointed that out to me in one way or another. I should have known that and to be honest I did know it of course, although I didn't want to admit it. And I guess now is a better moment to work on it than short before my operation. At least it is something I can work on, something to actively pursue. That is better than passively waiting until it is finally my turn.
2006-04-21
Eating
Today we had something to celebrate: Julia and I had our 18th. anniversary. Early in the morning I had secretly placed a big box of bonbons on Julia's seat in the living room. It is difficult to think of a nice present for Julia, but with Leonidas-bonbons you can't go wrong!
First we had a nice breakfast together and after that we went out to purchase a present for me... At the pet shop! The people in the shop really enjoyed this: We were not the first couple to come for a dog's collar to put an a human neck. They were very helpful and showed us several models and gave us advice. I could try them on in the shop without any problem. So now I am wearing a beautiful black leather collar with Julia's name on it.
Of course wearing a collar has a symbolic meaning. After 18 years of marriage, this is a whole new aspect to our relationship and we will have wait and see how this will develop.
She told me to keep on my collar for the rest of the day. I didn't mind that. As a matter of fact I was curious whether it would lead to any reactions.
In the afternoon we went to Delft. We had planned to have dinner in a restaurant and go to see two theatre plays after that, but we were a little late already. So we didn't have time for a complicated dinner. We ordered half a chicken with French fries and salad. Very simple, but it tasted delicious and it was more than enough to keep us going. We didn't even feel like having a desert afterwards, we took just a French coffee
...
After dinner we headed for the parish house on the Voorstraat to see the two plays. The first one was "Eten" ("Eating"). It was directed by our dear friend Erica Brand, her first experience as a director. It was played by theatre group "Natte Sneeuw" ("Wet Snow").
The sisters Anna and Beatrijs.
Except for their employer there is nobody in the World interested in them.
Their lives are filled with working,
after that they intoxicate themselves with wine at home.
By eating and puking
or by starving
they break their daily round.
Their middle sister, Jo, does have success in life
and this contrast makes Anna and Be's sad situation even more clear.
Their jealousy makes them take revenge on Jo,
while they discuss their work,
growing old,
growing fat,
their breasts, their men, their sex life...
It was a beautiful play and the acting was done very well. One of the sister suffering from bolimia, the other from anorexia and the third without any problem.
I had seen this play before at the one act play festival in 1997.
At the time I was mainly touched (and a little blinded) by the beauty in the way the play was staged, although I cannot remember what was so special about it. Now that I saw it again, the play looked a bit too static to me. The sisters sat on their chairs and talked. It would have been nice to see a little more action.
After the interval there was more than enough action! The second play, "Caffee Romana", was played by the group "Gril" and directed by Leo Breedveld.
The Italian waiters Basso and Giovanni are running around. They are busy with the tables. Very quick, but not very smart. After a while Basso notices there are no customers in CAFFEE ROMANA. So he puts Giovanni outside with a sandwitch-board. Giovanny keeps on tripping over the dishes, while Basso keeps on breaking glasses. It is a miracle CAFFEE ROMANA is not out of business yet...
There was some talking in this play, but it was not understandable, every thing was spoken in a kind of fake Italian. The text was not important, in this play the action was what it was all about. And it was hilarious. Again this play had a lot to do with eating; it was about an Italian restaurant. The two gentlemen didn't have any customers, but they were not bored at all. They kept on running around, balancing their serving trays professionally and effortlessly on one hand (with the air of a remarkably original stage attribute), so that they could devote all their attention to look seductively at all the women in the audience in that typical Mediterranean way.
After the plays we went to a pub called "De Klok". This is the place we used to frequent when we were still living in Delft. Now it was four years ago since I had last been there. A lot has changed over the years. It was not as busy as it used to be by far. And there was nobody I knew. I had been expecting that. I just came along because Julia wanted to go there. There were people present she knew and she seemed to enjoy herself perfectly well with the usual small talk of half-drunk people one can expect in a pub.
This went on for more than an hour, until my old friend B. entered the pub. I hadn't seen him in four years either, even though we used to have a very strong friendship in the past. For several years we together worked as volunteers for the NVSH, an organization that gave support and information about sexual problems to anyone who needed this. After the administrative and practical voluntary work we did, we used to go to "De Klok" together to drink too much and smoke too much.
He had never seen me as a woman. The last time we met, I was an inexperienced and clumsy transvestite and I looked awful. But he had read my newspaper article, so he was aware my development has been going on since then. Of course he didn't have any problem with that, he has always been a broad-minded person. He did have some problems getting used to the name "Evelien". "So I will use you name very frequently tonight, Evelien, to get used to it more quickly", he said.
Talking with him felt so familiar, just like we last met only yesterday. He has retired by now and he can finally devote all his attention to the many ideas that come up in his mind. He does worry about this, because: "I am getting more ideas than I am able to work out." I know the feeling. I have the exact same experience, but I was always hoping retired people would have enough time to work out all their ideas and fully enjoy all of their creativity...
Together we filled a dozen of beer-spills with geometrical figures and formulas. He is working on things like this and he is fizzing with ideas. For instance he has made up a puzzle consisting of 256 pieces with differently colored segments, that have to fit together in some way. He has cut all 256 pieces out of cardboard and carefully painted all the 1024 colored segments. The problem is he does not yet know whether the puzzle can be solved. I was not able to tell him off-hand, but soon I was making some more sketches on beer-spills to find at least the beginning of a solution.
First we had a nice breakfast together and after that we went out to purchase a present for me... At the pet shop! The people in the shop really enjoyed this: We were not the first couple to come for a dog's collar to put an a human neck. They were very helpful and showed us several models and gave us advice. I could try them on in the shop without any problem. So now I am wearing a beautiful black leather collar with Julia's name on it.Of course wearing a collar has a symbolic meaning. After 18 years of marriage, this is a whole new aspect to our relationship and we will have wait and see how this will develop.
She told me to keep on my collar for the rest of the day. I didn't mind that. As a matter of fact I was curious whether it would lead to any reactions.
In the afternoon we went to Delft. We had planned to have dinner in a restaurant and go to see two theatre plays after that, but we were a little late already. So we didn't have time for a complicated dinner. We ordered half a chicken with French fries and salad. Very simple, but it tasted delicious and it was more than enough to keep us going. We didn't even feel like having a desert afterwards, we took just a French coffee
...After dinner we headed for the parish house on the Voorstraat to see the two plays. The first one was "Eten" ("Eating"). It was directed by our dear friend Erica Brand, her first experience as a director. It was played by theatre group "Natte Sneeuw" ("Wet Snow").
The sisters Anna and Beatrijs.
Except for their employer there is nobody in the World interested in them.
Their lives are filled with working,
after that they intoxicate themselves with wine at home.
By eating and puking
or by starving
they break their daily round.
Their middle sister, Jo, does have success in life
and this contrast makes Anna and Be's sad situation even more clear.
Their jealousy makes them take revenge on Jo,
while they discuss their work,
growing old,
growing fat,
their breasts, their men, their sex life...
It was a beautiful play and the acting was done very well. One of the sister suffering from bolimia, the other from anorexia and the third without any problem.
I had seen this play before at the one act play festival in 1997.
At the time I was mainly touched (and a little blinded) by the beauty in the way the play was staged, although I cannot remember what was so special about it. Now that I saw it again, the play looked a bit too static to me. The sisters sat on their chairs and talked. It would have been nice to see a little more action.
After the interval there was more than enough action! The second play, "Caffee Romana", was played by the group "Gril" and directed by Leo Breedveld.The Italian waiters Basso and Giovanni are running around. They are busy with the tables. Very quick, but not very smart. After a while Basso notices there are no customers in CAFFEE ROMANA. So he puts Giovanni outside with a sandwitch-board. Giovanny keeps on tripping over the dishes, while Basso keeps on breaking glasses. It is a miracle CAFFEE ROMANA is not out of business yet...
There was some talking in this play, but it was not understandable, every thing was spoken in a kind of fake Italian. The text was not important, in this play the action was what it was all about. And it was hilarious. Again this play had a lot to do with eating; it was about an Italian restaurant. The two gentlemen didn't have any customers, but they were not bored at all. They kept on running around, balancing their serving trays professionally and effortlessly on one hand (with the air of a remarkably original stage attribute), so that they could devote all their attention to look seductively at all the women in the audience in that typical Mediterranean way.
After the plays we went to a pub called "De Klok". This is the place we used to frequent when we were still living in Delft. Now it was four years ago since I had last been there. A lot has changed over the years. It was not as busy as it used to be by far. And there was nobody I knew. I had been expecting that. I just came along because Julia wanted to go there. There were people present she knew and she seemed to enjoy herself perfectly well with the usual small talk of half-drunk people one can expect in a pub.
This went on for more than an hour, until my old friend B. entered the pub. I hadn't seen him in four years either, even though we used to have a very strong friendship in the past. For several years we together worked as volunteers for the NVSH, an organization that gave support and information about sexual problems to anyone who needed this. After the administrative and practical voluntary work we did, we used to go to "De Klok" together to drink too much and smoke too much.
He had never seen me as a woman. The last time we met, I was an inexperienced and clumsy transvestite and I looked awful. But he had read my newspaper article, so he was aware my development has been going on since then. Of course he didn't have any problem with that, he has always been a broad-minded person. He did have some problems getting used to the name "Evelien". "So I will use you name very frequently tonight, Evelien, to get used to it more quickly", he said.
Talking with him felt so familiar, just like we last met only yesterday. He has retired by now and he can finally devote all his attention to the many ideas that come up in his mind. He does worry about this, because: "I am getting more ideas than I am able to work out." I know the feeling. I have the exact same experience, but I was always hoping retired people would have enough time to work out all their ideas and fully enjoy all of their creativity...
Together we filled a dozen of beer-spills with geometrical figures and formulas. He is working on things like this and he is fizzing with ideas. For instance he has made up a puzzle consisting of 256 pieces with differently colored segments, that have to fit together in some way. He has cut all 256 pieces out of cardboard and carefully painted all the 1024 colored segments. The problem is he does not yet know whether the puzzle can be solved. I was not able to tell him off-hand, but soon I was making some more sketches on beer-spills to find at least the beginning of a solution.
2006-04-19
Railroad traffic controller (2)
Today's subject: Malfunctions. Sometimes the system reports a section of the track is occupied, although there is no train at all. This can be caused by many things: A broken wire, a short-circuit between the rails or sticking relay contacts in the security system.
The only way to find out what the real situation is, is to send out an expert to have a look at the tracks. Engine drivers are expert in checking the condition of the tracks. So usually the best solution is to ask an engine driver who has to pass the problem section anyway to have a close look at it.
However this is easier said than done: It is not possible to plan a route for a train trough an occupied section; that wouldn't be safe of course! Yet it is possible to send a train to an occupied section. It is daily routine to do that in case two trains have to be joined together into one. You can create a "Drive On Sight"-route for this. The engine driver will not see a green signal light but a yellow flashing light instead. Then he knows he will have to drive carefully, so that he can pull on the breaks on time in case there is something in the way.
Today I suddenly noticed the section near point #1201 was occupied, although there should not be any train there. There was also a train waiting in front of signal #1206, that could not proceed now. I would have to call the engine driver and ask him to check the state of the track. But could I create a "Drive On Sight"-route in this case? That didn't seem like a good idea. As long as a section is occupied, the whole route will stay reserved in the system. That would make it impossible to create any route across any of the points on the East side of Boxtel station. I had seen how unpleasant that is yesterday already...
So I could not plan a route. But if no route is available, the signal post will stay red! The engine driver will not want to pass a red signal. For this situation there is a special "Stop Showing Signal"-procedure. All the points are put in the right position and all crossing tracks are blocked, but no real route is planned in the system. Fortunately the software can help you to do this, because it is very easy to forget blocking one of the conflicting tracks and cause an accident.
The picture to the right is a simplified version of the real situation: The little white lines show the blocked tracks, but not all necessary blockings are shown in the picture.
When everything has been prepared correctly, a red form has to be filled out and this has to be read to the engine driver. And he has to repeat everything you say. After that he is allowed to pass the red signal post.
Time to pick up the phone and call the engine driver:
"Master, I would like to ask you to check the state of the track behind signal post 1206 up to point 1199B for me."
"Do I get a green signal light then? I cannot proceed yet! "
"No you don't, I will give you a "Stop Showing Signal"-instruction:
"Success, Master!"
"Well done, Evelien", called the instructor.
One practical question remains: If I have to call an engine driver "Master", how should I address his female colleagues? "Mistress"?
The only way to find out what the real situation is, is to send out an expert to have a look at the tracks. Engine drivers are expert in checking the condition of the tracks. So usually the best solution is to ask an engine driver who has to pass the problem section anyway to have a close look at it.
However this is easier said than done: It is not possible to plan a route for a train trough an occupied section; that wouldn't be safe of course! Yet it is possible to send a train to an occupied section. It is daily routine to do that in case two trains have to be joined together into one. You can create a "Drive On Sight"-route for this. The engine driver will not see a green signal light but a yellow flashing light instead. Then he knows he will have to drive carefully, so that he can pull on the breaks on time in case there is something in the way.
Today I suddenly noticed the section near point #1201 was occupied, although there should not be any train there. There was also a train waiting in front of signal #1206, that could not proceed now. I would have to call the engine driver and ask him to check the state of the track. But could I create a "Drive On Sight"-route in this case? That didn't seem like a good idea. As long as a section is occupied, the whole route will stay reserved in the system. That would make it impossible to create any route across any of the points on the East side of Boxtel station. I had seen how unpleasant that is yesterday already...So I could not plan a route. But if no route is available, the signal post will stay red! The engine driver will not want to pass a red signal. For this situation there is a special "Stop Showing Signal"-procedure. All the points are put in the right position and all crossing tracks are blocked, but no real route is planned in the system. Fortunately the software can help you to do this, because it is very easy to forget blocking one of the conflicting tracks and cause an accident.
The picture to the right is a simplified version of the real situation: The little white lines show the blocked tracks, but not all necessary blockings are shown in the picture.When everything has been prepared correctly, a red form has to be filled out and this has to be read to the engine driver. And he has to repeat everything you say. After that he is allowed to pass the red signal post.
Time to pick up the phone and call the engine driver:
"Master, I would like to ask you to check the state of the track behind signal post 1206 up to point 1199B for me."
"
"No you don't, I will give you a "Stop Showing Signal"-instruction:
"The engine driver on train 5218 must proceed beyond the red signal post #1206 and after passing the signal:The engine driver repeated this message after me verbally...
- Drive on sight;
- Drive cautiously on the points at a maximum speed of 10 km/h;
- Be prepared for malfunctioning road crossings."
"Success, Master!"
"Well done, Evelien", called the instructor.
One practical question remains: If I have to call an engine driver "Master", how should I address his female colleagues? "Mistress"?
Labels: trains
2006-04-18
Railroad traffic controller
Suddenly my phone starts to ring. I pick up the receiver and try to sound like this is routine for me: "Boxtel traffic control...""Hi, this is the engine driver in train 5223 on track 504. Why can't I proceed?"
"O, I'm sorry. We are just moving a freight train to the side track. It is blocking all the switches on the East side of the station. You will be able to proceed in a moment."
"OK, thanks!"
Yes, I was afraid this would happen: There are four tracks between Boxtel station and the next station, but this stupid freight train has to cross them all to reach the side track. (The green line in the picture represents the route reserved for freight train 57803.) This train movement is blocking the timetable!
If I had been a little more experienced, I might have found a better moment for moving the freight train, but hey, this is only my first day as a traffic controller.
I also made a mistake in the phone call with the engine driver. In Holland we address the engine driver with the old-fashioned honorary title "Master", just like we used to do back in the years of steam engines. At least I think we do. I'll ask it tomorrow...
Have I been dreaming again? No, I was wide awake! So do I have I new job? No I don't. This week I am taking the short course railroad traffic controller. The traffic controllers are the people who use the the software we build, so it is important for us to know the way they work.
It is great fun to play with these trains and there is a great advantage: We do not play with real trains, but we use a simulation program instead, so there won't be any accidents if we make a mistake.
On my way back home by train I watched the tracks on the East side of Boxtel station carefully: It is true: The switches are laid out exactly the same as in the simulation program and the side track does indeed exist. A little further East is a fly-over where trains can cross each other without having to wait, but that is beyond the location of the side track.
Labels: trains
2006-04-16
Thirty-seventh Column
Tonight my thirty-seventh column was broadcast in Gendertalk #555.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.com/audio/MIRROR01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
Mirror
I think most of us M2F-folks spend a lot of time in front of the mirror doing our make-up, checking our clothing or just admiring our own female image. A mirror is a great tool for self reflection in more than one way.
Four years ago I had reached a point in my life where I didn't know which way to turn. I had gained a lot of routine in crossdressing by that time. In fact I went to work as a man every day and changed into female clothing as soon as I got home. The feeling that this female appearance was my true self was getting stronger and stronger. Until then I thought I was a crossdresser, but it became more and more clear to me crossdressing was not enough. I hated all the time I had to live as a man and I felt I was only truly alive when I was my female self.
In other words: I found out I was not a crossdresser but a transsexual! I have to admit this was very difficult to accept for me. I spent a lot of time reading about this on the Internet and what I read filled me with mixed feelings. It was wonderful to read about other transsexuals who had made the switch and were now living as women. I envied them. I wanted to make that switch myself. But the road I would have to walk for that scared me. Would I ever be able to muster up the courage to come out to everyone I knew? To walk into a hospital and ask for a sex change? To take hormones? To undergo that painful operation?
No. I knew I couldn't do that. I wasn't strong enough to start this difficult process. I would forever remain the way I was: Living a double life and feeling miserable. And over time my sadness was growing and growing.
Fortunately I did go to a therapist specialized in gender issues eventually to discuss all this. I was hoping she would be able to answer the question whether I was a transsexual or not. But she didn't do that. Instead she told me I had a lack of self-confidence and I should work on that. She gave me a very important exercise to do at home. "Put a large mirror in your living room and look at yourself for a long time every day. Ask yourself: "What do I see? Who is this person? Is this person worth fighting for?""
It was not easy to look at myself, I can tell you that. In the beginning it made me feel very sad. I was looking at someone who was too scared to make choices in life. Someone who had fantasies about a better life but was too chicken to accept the painful steps that would be necessary to get there. It took me several weeks to learn that there was only one solution for me: I didn't need someone to tell me I was a transsexual, I would have to trust my own judgment and act upon it. And that is what I did.
Four weeks ago I was in a difficult spot again. I was chatting about my situation with a very good friend on MSN and suddenly he said: "If you weren't living two hundred miles away from me I would put you in front of a mirror and interrogate you about what you see." I knew this was a good idea so I switched on my webcam and used that instead of a mirror and we had a long and intimate therapy session over the Internet. By the end of the session I was crying about my indecisiveness. But I had also seen myself as a person worth fighting for again. This chat gave me a push just when I needed it.
These are but two examples of the way self-identity mirror exercises can help us forward in our lives. So these are other ways you can use your mirror, besides putting on your make-up. You can easily try it at home. But beware, you will be amazed by the power of this simple method. If you get too scared or depressed, stop looking and don't try again until the next day. I think it can help you to find your own strength, just like I did.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.com/audio/MIRROR01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
I think most of us M2F-folks spend a lot of time in front of the mirror doing our make-up, checking our clothing or just admiring our own female image. A mirror is a great tool for self reflection in more than one way.
Four years ago I had reached a point in my life where I didn't know which way to turn. I had gained a lot of routine in crossdressing by that time. In fact I went to work as a man every day and changed into female clothing as soon as I got home. The feeling that this female appearance was my true self was getting stronger and stronger. Until then I thought I was a crossdresser, but it became more and more clear to me crossdressing was not enough. I hated all the time I had to live as a man and I felt I was only truly alive when I was my female self.
In other words: I found out I was not a crossdresser but a transsexual! I have to admit this was very difficult to accept for me. I spent a lot of time reading about this on the Internet and what I read filled me with mixed feelings. It was wonderful to read about other transsexuals who had made the switch and were now living as women. I envied them. I wanted to make that switch myself. But the road I would have to walk for that scared me. Would I ever be able to muster up the courage to come out to everyone I knew? To walk into a hospital and ask for a sex change? To take hormones? To undergo that painful operation?
No. I knew I couldn't do that. I wasn't strong enough to start this difficult process. I would forever remain the way I was: Living a double life and feeling miserable. And over time my sadness was growing and growing.
Fortunately I did go to a therapist specialized in gender issues eventually to discuss all this. I was hoping she would be able to answer the question whether I was a transsexual or not. But she didn't do that. Instead she told me I had a lack of self-confidence and I should work on that. She gave me a very important exercise to do at home. "Put a large mirror in your living room and look at yourself for a long time every day. Ask yourself: "What do I see? Who is this person? Is this person worth fighting for?""
It was not easy to look at myself, I can tell you that. In the beginning it made me feel very sad. I was looking at someone who was too scared to make choices in life. Someone who had fantasies about a better life but was too chicken to accept the painful steps that would be necessary to get there. It took me several weeks to learn that there was only one solution for me: I didn't need someone to tell me I was a transsexual, I would have to trust my own judgment and act upon it. And that is what I did.
Four weeks ago I was in a difficult spot again. I was chatting about my situation with a very good friend on MSN and suddenly he said: "If you weren't living two hundred miles away from me I would put you in front of a mirror and interrogate you about what you see." I knew this was a good idea so I switched on my webcam and used that instead of a mirror and we had a long and intimate therapy session over the Internet. By the end of the session I was crying about my indecisiveness. But I had also seen myself as a person worth fighting for again. This chat gave me a push just when I needed it.
These are but two examples of the way self-identity mirror exercises can help us forward in our lives. So these are other ways you can use your mirror, besides putting on your make-up. You can easily try it at home. But beware, you will be amazed by the power of this simple method. If you get too scared or depressed, stop looking and don't try again until the next day. I think it can help you to find your own strength, just like I did.
2006-04-09
A Personal Gift
This week "esta" magazine came with a personal gift for me! A dispenser for sweets to put in your coffee with my name on it. What a nice gesture from them.Or did this gift have something to do with the TV-series "evelien"?
Evelien, the woman who has everything a woman could desire but is bored to death. What should she do to fight this boredom? Find a job or find a secret lover?
I have never seen the series, but I am glad it is there. It attracts a lot of viewers to my homepage, who might learn something about transsexual women here they would never actively search for.
2006-04-02
Thirty-sixth Column
Tonight my thirty-sixth column was broadcast in Gendertalk #554.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://www.eveliensnel.com/audio/TRUE01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
True Love
I have some good news for you this week: My spouse Julia and I have decided to come back together again.
As a matter of fact, she has already moved in with me.
We are both very happy with this decision.
Being separated for four months has learned us something we should have known all along. We belong together. Of course we have our problems, all of which are caused by me, but we will find a way to solve those.
This has been the third time we have separated and come back together again. So what does that mean? Does it mean we don't know what we want? I think we know that very well. But at times it can get too difficult. I am progressing in my transition and I want to go all the way. Step by step I am approaching my goal: To live as a woman.
And that contradicts everything we wanted when we got married 18 years ago. At the time we really thought we could live together as husband and wife for the rest of our lives. My gender problems were buried six feet below the ground in those days. I didn't even know they were there. I just felt very unhappy and lonely until I met Julia. At a time like that you think your marriage will solve everything and you will live happily ever after.
But that didn't happen. We were happy together, but I still didn't feel good about myself. I often had headaches and somehow I felt there was something wrong with me. It took me a long time to discover my gender problem, buried deeply inside of me. And it took a long time to come out about it to my spouse. But once I had come out about it, the process of my transition started. And it cannot be stopped.
So things started to change. Many things we took for granted when we got married turned out to be no longer true. And that was difficult, both for me and for my spouse. It is very understandable most marriages break during this process, because all this is very harsh to the partner of the transsexual. The transsexual has something to gain: The balance between the gender on the inside and the outside. But the partner is only loosing something.
I think your love has to be very strong to handle a problem like this. And apparently our love is a very strong one. Julia has done so much to help me over the years. But there have been some situations that were too difficult to cope with. Those were the three moments we have separated, because I felt an urge to go on and take my transition one step further and she was not ready to accept that. Difficult moments.
But every time we found out after a while we still wanted to be together. Every time Julia has accepted me the way I am, even with this additional step towards femininity. And once she accepted me, she supported me in every way she could. This is what true love is all about!
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://www.eveliensnel.com/audio/TRUE01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
I have some good news for you this week: My spouse Julia and I have decided to come back together again.
As a matter of fact, she has already moved in with me.
We are both very happy with this decision.
Being separated for four months has learned us something we should have known all along. We belong together. Of course we have our problems, all of which are caused by me, but we will find a way to solve those.
This has been the third time we have separated and come back together again. So what does that mean? Does it mean we don't know what we want? I think we know that very well. But at times it can get too difficult. I am progressing in my transition and I want to go all the way. Step by step I am approaching my goal: To live as a woman.
And that contradicts everything we wanted when we got married 18 years ago. At the time we really thought we could live together as husband and wife for the rest of our lives. My gender problems were buried six feet below the ground in those days. I didn't even know they were there. I just felt very unhappy and lonely until I met Julia. At a time like that you think your marriage will solve everything and you will live happily ever after.
But that didn't happen. We were happy together, but I still didn't feel good about myself. I often had headaches and somehow I felt there was something wrong with me. It took me a long time to discover my gender problem, buried deeply inside of me. And it took a long time to come out about it to my spouse. But once I had come out about it, the process of my transition started. And it cannot be stopped.
So things started to change. Many things we took for granted when we got married turned out to be no longer true. And that was difficult, both for me and for my spouse. It is very understandable most marriages break during this process, because all this is very harsh to the partner of the transsexual. The transsexual has something to gain: The balance between the gender on the inside and the outside. But the partner is only loosing something.
I think your love has to be very strong to handle a problem like this. And apparently our love is a very strong one. Julia has done so much to help me over the years. But there have been some situations that were too difficult to cope with. Those were the three moments we have separated, because I felt an urge to go on and take my transition one step further and she was not ready to accept that. Difficult moments.
But every time we found out after a while we still wanted to be together. Every time Julia has accepted me the way I am, even with this additional step towards femininity. And once she accepted me, she supported me in every way she could. This is what true love is all about!
2006-04-01
Talk, talk, talk
This month we had to do without DJ Silvia on the T&T-meeting. She is suffering a lot of pain in her legs and wasn't able to come. The result was this evening had a totally different atmosphere from all the usual T&T-evenings.
I missed the music. We couldn't dance now. And I missed Silvia herself. She can be a little too lively at times (in my opinion), but it is always nice to have her around.
Because there was no loud music this time, it was much easier to have a conversation with people. Not just one-on-one talks, yelling into each other's ear, but real discussions in a group of people. So that happened a lot this evening.
Everybody who heard about Julia and me re-united, was very glad for us. This is one positive sound about a t-relationship, while most of the time we hear stories about separations, divorces and partners who have a problem with their spouse's T-feelings.
Yvon has asked me to work at the bar an extra time next month, because it will be very busy then and we will be opening two bars instead of one. The reason is Loes Vlaming's first novel will be presented there. On our T&T-evening!
Previous T&T-evenings: March, February, January, December, November, October, September, July, June, May, April, March 2005, February 2005, January 2005, December 2004, November 2004, October 2004, September 2004, August 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.
I missed the music. We couldn't dance now. And I missed Silvia herself. She can be a little too lively at times (in my opinion), but it is always nice to have her around.
Because there was no loud music this time, it was much easier to have a conversation with people. Not just one-on-one talks, yelling into each other's ear, but real discussions in a group of people. So that happened a lot this evening.
Everybody who heard about Julia and me re-united, was very glad for us. This is one positive sound about a t-relationship, while most of the time we hear stories about separations, divorces and partners who have a problem with their spouse's T-feelings.
Yvon has asked me to work at the bar an extra time next month, because it will be very busy then and we will be opening two bars instead of one. The reason is Loes Vlaming's first novel will be presented there. On our T&T-evening!
Previous T&T-evenings: March, February, January, December, November, October, September, July, June, May, April, March 2005, February 2005, January 2005, December 2004, November 2004, October 2004, September 2004, August 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.
© 1985-2006 E.G. Snel
