Diary

This morning I decided I wanted to take a shower anyway. It was a very cold one, but it wasn't really as bad as I expected. When I get out of my bed in the morning, I feel so hot, it doesn't really matter. And it is so nice to rinse the heat off of me... I didn't shower for long today, a broken hot water supply is a real time saver for me!

They had promised to call me as soon as they had information about the new heat exchange unit, but they didn't. So at 2 PM I called them myself. "Yes, a new unit has been ordered", said the lady on the phone: "We expect it to be delivered tomorrow." Then why didn't they call me to tell me about this?

So this evening I still had to do without any heating in the house.

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Well, the repairmen did come. They have been working on our heating for hours and Julia had to spend all that time here in my house. Fortunately it is not very cold inside, apparently the house has very good insulation. It is still 18 degrees Celsius in the living room!
At the end of the afternoon the job was done and both the repairmen and Julia had gone home with a satisfied feeling. Of course Julia rang me up to tell me the good news, so I was already looking forward to a good, hot bath...

But it turned out differently. I didn't notice as soon as I entered the house, but when I entered the bathroom, I saw the flour was flooded. The water was coming from upstairs, where the heating kettle is located and it came flooding through the ceiling along the tubes. Now I saw that went even further downstairs: It was also dripping along the tubes to the ground flour, wetting our expensive parquet flour!

When I got to the attic it was easy to locate the source of this river: The water was gushing from the heating kettle! Obviously something had gone wrong. All pressure was off the heating system and there was again an error message on the display although it wasn't readable because the looking glass was all steamed over.

I immediately called the repairman and started swabbing.

Fortunately the repairman arrived soon. The first thing he did was to pull the plug from the wall outlet. (Why didn't I think of that?) When he took the casing off the heating kettle, another gush of water came out. He was quick to figure out what was the problem: De heat exchange unit is broken. That is of course the largest and most expensive unit in the whole system. It will have to be replaced and it remains to be seem whether they have it in stock! He also emptied the heating system through the filling hose. (Why didn't I think of that?)

Meanwhile, Julia was on her way to come and assist me. But by the time she arrived, the repairman was gone already and I was busy preparing dinner for myself. (I loved the heat from the microwave oven and the frying pan!) So she could not do anything practical for me, but she could at least comfort me.

Now let's hope they will come to replace the heat exchange unit tomorrow!

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Tonight while I was chatting on the Internet I had opened the taps on my bath in advance, so that I would be able to plunge into a nice, hot bath immediately after chatting. I had been feeling rather cold all evening and I had a pain in my lower back; I must have caught a cold. When I left the chatroom my friend m yelled after me "Enjoy your plunge, Evelientje!"

First I checked the water temperature. I wouldn't want to plunge into the water is it was too hot. But it wasn't; it was freezing cold!!
Did I open the wrong tap? No, I didn't! So something must be wrong with the heating... And indeed, there was an error message in the display and the manometer gauge was way too low. I quickly refilled the system and then pressed the reset button. But the error message kept on coming back. So no "plunging" for me and not even any heating in the house!

Fortunately we do have a service contract, so I called the emergency number immediately, but no mechanic is available until tomorrow! So I went back to chatting and I kept a bottle of whisky within reach to get warm again and then I hit the sack with a hot water bottle.

Tomorrow Julia will call the service engineers again and she will be here in the house to welcome them when they come the fix the equipment. It is so great I am not all alone after all. I have to go to work tomorrow. How can you solve a problem like this if you live by yourself?

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Yes, you guessed it right: I have been to the Greek restaurant again. This time I had "Ποικιλία" ("Peekeeleea") as a starter and "Ψαρονέφρι" ("Psaronaifree") as the main course. Ποικιλία is a dish full of little starters, with which you can really have dinner the Greek way. You chat, smoke and drink and every now and then you take a mouthful of one of the goodies. Ψαρονέφρι is fillet of pork, which was in this case served with a delicious feta sauce.

And there was another important difference with last time: Today I didn't dine by myself, but I had a real date with a real guy! I enjoyed it very much; it makes you feel much more feminine when you are with a man who looks up to you! He also brought a beautiful bouquet of roses for me...

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This morning I first went to see my speech therapist. She has been looking for a speech therapist who has experience with "gender dysphonia" in Nieuwegein (the city where I work now) for weeks. "Gender dysphonia" is the word speech therapists use for speech lessons for transsexuals. So I have learned a new word today. She said many speech therapists have a bit of a problem with voice therapy in their education. I was surprised, I thought speech therapy was the same as voice therapy?

Well it is not! Speech therapy is a much wider area. Speech therapists also help people who lack knowledge in using their language and even people who have eating problems. My own speech therapist also means a great deal more to me than a "speech teacher". We always talk about the acceptance of my female appearance in every day life. That is very valuable to me. Much more valuable than the psychologic guidance I get from the VU really. I only see my psychologist once every three months. That is far too little to call it realistic guidance.

She has given me a list of speech therapists in Nieuwegein and now I will have to call them myself, to find out which one of them would best be able to help me. She did give me some tips about the questions I should ask them.
She also gave me some new exercises; she always manages to find new material to help me to practice with my voice.

As usual I left her with some extra positive energy and headed for my work...

...and after work I returned to Eindhoven in a very good mood, because this day had another pleasant experience in stall for me: A visit to the beautician! That is something that does me a lot of good as well. It is so nice to sit back in her comfortable chair and submit to her skilled hands. By now I know exactly what to expect. Epilating my eyebrow hurts a lot. But the wonderful massage makes up for that. During the massage I really floated off. I actually dreamed. I cannot recall my dream, but I was certainly out of this world for a while. The time you have to wait for the mask to work into your skin is another opportunity to drift off. If it wouldn't be for the music from Sky Radio, I would lose all conscience of time during that. I did tell her my favorite radio station is XFM, but her dial seems to be frozen to the frequency of Sky. Never mind, any radio station that doesn't confront me with dumb games or other listeners on the phone is good enough for me.

Now I just need to go to the hairdresser tomorrow and then I will be completely ready to go out on Saturday night!

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Tonight my thirty-third column was broadcast in Gendertalk #548.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.com/audio/CHOOSE01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Choosing a name
As a transsexual you have the unique opportunity to choose your own name. Of course everybody has the right to change his or her name, but only few people do it. Transvestites choose their own name for the time they are dressed up, but when they change back into their male clothing, they also change back to their male name.

Some of the names people choose when they cross the gender border show a lot of creativity and often some pun about the sex change. Looking on the Internet you can find names like "AlmostKate" and "MariaManana" and a friend of mine calls herself "Hedi Otherside". Very nice names and very suitable for the name of a website or for someone who wants to make a clear statement about changing sex.

But these are not good names for a transsexual in real life. What you want as a transsexual is to blend in with the female population. You should not pick a name like MiMi or DiDi either. Those are names for prostitutes: They match with too blonde a wig and too sexy clothing. If you are a transvestite who likes to visit private parties in outrageous clothing, go ahead and enjoy it. Choose a name that matches the way you like to present yourself.

So how do you pick a proper name for the rest of you life as a new-born woman? I think it is not a good idea to use a book or a website on "How to name your baby" either. The names that are now popular were very unusual forty years ago. I think the best solution for choosing your name is the same as for choosing your clothing: Look at women your own age to guide you.

And how did I pick my name? Well, that is a funny story: I didn't pick it, I discovered it! When I was nine years old, I first met a girl named Evelien. And I felt like I was struck by lightning! I immediately knew that this would be my female name! At the time I had never thought about changing sex or anything like that, but hearing that name made me realize that there could be a female me. It took another three decades before that female me came out of the closet, but Evelien has been somewhere in my mind ever since that day in September 1969...

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Today it was again time for an annual event: We celebrated my mother's and my brother-in-law's birthday. Their birthdays are very close to each other, so every year they invite the family together for a dinner.
This year they had chosen for a "High Tea" at Lister's restaurant in Eindhoven. It sounds like that is easy to find, but wait: Listers has five different restaurants in Eindhoven!

I hurried to get to right restaurant on time and arrived just one minute late: At 3:01 PM. It turned out I was the first to arrive, so I had been hurrying without reason, but that was no problem. I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette. My mother and my sister always get ill from cigarette smoke, so I'd rather not smoke in their presence.
By the time I finished my smoke, the rest of the family arrived and everybody congratulated everybody else. A separate corner in the restaurant had been reserved for us, with one small table each. It all looked very neat, but we were too far apart. So for a while we were moving tables and seats until everybody was together closely enough. Meanwhile, tea was served. It came in a private pot for each of us, just the same size as the oversized tea cups that were on the table. So each pot contained the same amount of hot water that fit in the cup. In Holland it is common practice nowadays to also provide a big, wooden box with tea bags when tea is served, so that everyone can pick his or her flavor. I detest tea with an artificial flavor, so I usually pick normal Ceylon tea, but this time there was also "rooibos" tea. That has not been artificially flavored, it is just a different kind of tea. Very wholesome and nice!
It would not be a birthday without presents of course. Julia and I bought the present for Gert (my brother-in-law) months ago. It is a glass cube with a three dimensional picture of a saxophone burned into the interior by advanced laser technology. Gert plays the saxophone in a band so this seemed an ideal present for him. Julia had picked a present for my mother by herself.
I was started a little when I saw from the corner of my eye, my father was manipulating with a cubic package below the table. "I hope they didn't pick the exact same present we did!"
Well they did! They had bought Gert a glass cube with a saxophone burned into it as well. Fortunately it was not an exact copy of ours. Isn't it funny we both picked the same present? I think it shows that this has to be suitable for Gert. And why wouldn't he put these beautiful objects on the mantelpiece side by side?
For my mother Julia had picked a beautiful bracelet. Nice choice!

Meanwhile we enjoyed all the goodies that are part of a high tea. Of course there were sandwiches (covered with deliciously fresh salads), but also scones and sausage rolls, jam and clotted cream, fruits and pizza slices. It was all high quality food and everybody was very satisfied when we had finished it.
A very nice family outing!

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Tonight my thirty-second column was broadcast in Gendertalk #546.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://www.eveliensnel.com/audio/TRAP01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Trapped

It is now fourteen months ago I got the green light for the transformation of my body from male to female.
That day I was allowed to start HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) This means that I got medication to stop the effects of the male hormones my body is still producing and I got female hormones to replace them.
That was also the day I could officially start my RLT (Real Life Test), which means that I was required to live full-time as a woman and to come out to my environment.
Of course living full-time as a woman was not a problem for me. I had been doing that for several years already. And I had been hoping that I wouldn't have to go through the full real life test because of that.
But that turned out not to be the case: The hospital handles sex change according to a strict protocol and I have not been able to nibble even a second of the required 18 months of real life test.

So I have still 4 months to go. It sounds like I am almost there, doesn't it? It sounds like I am eligible for the SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) this Summer!
Well, I am afraid it will take a little longer. The only thing that happens after the 18 months real life test is that I will be added at the bottom of the waiting-list for an operation. And due to lack of funding, lack of operating rooms and lack of personnel, it may take another year before it is really my turn.
I can tell you this is difficult to cope with. People often say a transsexual is a female trapped in a male body (or vice-versa) and that is exactly what it feels like at the moment.

There is very little I can do at the moment except wait, wait and wait. It seems like all the great adventures of transitioning are behind me except for that final cut.
I know there is more to transitioning than this. I know the SRS is not the end of the process, but merely the start of a new phase. And I feel soooo ready for that. I can hardly wait to move on.
But I do have to wait. There is nothing I can do about it. And meanwhile I am getting older and older and I see many transsexuals around me, most of them younger than me who do get their operation and disappear from the transgender scene to move on into their lives as new-born women.

And I stay behind, trapped in my male body.

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This month I wanted to make a beautiful appearance at the T&T-evening. So I had picked out a kinky outfit: All black with silver jewelry. Black boots, a black fish net pantyhose, a little black dress that leaves little to the imagination and a black lace cardigan over that to keep my nude shoulders just a little bit warm. It was almost Gothic, with the exception of my bright pink nail polish and lipstick.
I was just about to apply my black mascara when the phone rang. It was Yvon, the hostess of T&T-Eindhoven. "Do you intend to come at all tonight? It is 8 o'clock", she said. I was started: "You don't mean to say that I should be on duty behind the bar tonight, do you?"
Oh yes she did! I had completely forgotten about that. Very stupid of me! I immediately checked my inbox and there it was: On Monday December 12th. I had received the new bar schedule and it was indeed my turn.
Thinking back to December 12th. it is very understandable I overlooked that email on that day: It was the beginning of my second full week in my new job and it was the beginning of my second full week of living-by-myself, without Julia.
So I also didn't forward Yvon's mail to Julia. And so Julia hadn't showed up for her duty behind the cash register as well. To make things worse my colleague, who had to work behind the bar with me had called in sick. So now Yvon was in the community center without a single volunteer to do the work!

Of course I jumped in the car at once and hurried to the community center. Fortunately I didn't meet any policeman, because I think the fine for driving 55 miles per hour in the city is about 400 dollars, Yucky...

I arrived within ten minutes and immediately took to my duties at full speed. We had a lot of work tonight, because it was quite busy. There were also several special guests, like a team from the "Eindhovens dagblad" (a local newspaper), who had come to interview transvestites and transsexuals (as I said, this is a hot topic for any newspaper now ), a lady from Austria who is doing an investigation comparing the situation of transgender people in her country to those in surrounding countries and a psych (-iatrist of -ologer) who has a lot of experience in treating transsexuals, transgenders and people with a parafilia, like fetishism, homofilia and BDSM. He was mainly interested in talking with transgender people who choose to live "between the sexes". They are the most complicated cases in his work.

I would have loved to have a little chat with this guy, but there was no time for that; I was too busy behind the bar. People drank a lot this evening. We sold a record number of draught beers, whisky en cognac...

Recently I have read an interesting book: "Flirt Coach" by Peta Heskell. The most important tip I have remembered from it, is that one should behave as "a sunshine" to one's environment. Of course that is something everyone should know already, like so many tips from self-therapy-books, but for people like me, who do not have a natural talent for socializing it is a good tip. And working as a barmaid, I got plenty of opportunity to practice this. So I stayed happy an friendly, even when I got an order for a red whine, a dry whine wine, a coke and a mineral water and it turned out that the red whine bottle was empty, so I had to open a new one and the white wine bottle was empty, so I had to open a new one and I broke a glass, so had to clean up the mess first and the bottle of coke was empty, so I had to open a new one. The bottle of mineral water was not empty, so I could simply poor out a glass from that. Lucky me...

I don't know whether it was due to my outfit or to my pleasant state of mind, but I got compliments for my hair, my nails and my outfit. I enjoyed that very much!

Previous T&T-evenings: January, December, November, October, September, July, June, May, April, March, February, January 2005, December 2004, November 2004, October 2004, September 2004, August 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.

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