Diary

Tonight my thirty-first column was broadcast in Gendertalk #545.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.com/audio/REACT01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Reactions
I have recieved lots of reactions to my interview in the newspaper; both positive and negative. Positive reactions are pleasing of course, but negative ones are more useful, because those can help me to learn something.
People who know both me and my spouse often reacted saying: "Yes that is your view on the story." At first I didn't understand them. What other view should have been in the article? It was about me, so it is only natural that it reflects my view.
My spouse, Julia, made it very clear to me what was wrong with the article: There is not a word in it that speaks about Julia's role in all this. Not a word of recognition for what she has had to endure and how she supported me all those years. And that is true. I am sorry about that.

And there was another negative reaction. This one was from a transsexual woman I often meet at support group meetings. She was not pleased at all by the way the article pictures me as someone who is always busy with herself, her body and her looks. She also said the article showed that I was dealing with my environment in an opportunistic way and ditched my spouse without showing any emotions.

Of course you and I know that this is not the way it went. In my columns I have mentioned several times how many doubts and emotions were involved with our seperation. But it is true that I am very busy with myself and with my body. And my looks are important to me as far as they affect my passability as a woman.

Anyway, her father-in-law had read the article, put the newspaper down and said, referring to his transsexual child-in-law: "This person is no longer welcome in my house. If this is what transsexuals are like, I now know what I can expect." He doesn't want such selfish ego-trippers in the family.

Is that truly the picture of a transsexual I have given with my interview? Or are these the prejudices this guy had all the time and was he looking for a confirmation of those in my interview? I think it is a crying shame that he would sooner believe a newpaper article about someone he never met than his own child-in-law!

But I am very sorry to hear my interview had such a dramatic impact on people's personal lives. I am not a scientist, I am not an activist. It has never been my intention to give a carefully balanced and politically correct statement about transsexuals in general.

All I have done is tell the story of my life. The story of how someone can overcome a life full of misery and grow towards a happy life once she manages to admit to her deepest feelings and starts to act upon those. I thought I was doing a positive thing for acceptance of transsexuals in our society. And I hoped I was showing others that transition is possible. As a matter of fact I still think I did!

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The first thing I heard at the VU were compliments for my newspaper interview.
I told them I had received many reactions; both positive an negative ones. The latter did come as a surprise to the VU staff. My psychologist said there was not a negative remark about transsexuals in general to be found in the article.
And the co-ordinator agreed with me that people who have a prejudice in advance will be reading an article like this hoping (or fearing) to find it confirmed.
In short: They think I have said nothing wrong.

I was able to tell the psychologist about the progress I've made since our last talk on October 10th. Of course a lot has happened in the mean time: I have started in my new job and my relationship has broken down. But to make a long story short: I have been doing fine since the great change of course on December 1st.
At work it is very noticeable people have a different attitude towards me than in my former job: They have never known me as a man and that makes a great difference. They treat me like they would treat any woman.
The endocrinologist had the results of my latest bone scan. There is definitely too little calcium in my bones, much less than in other people my age. That is not caused by a lack of gender hormones: The blood tests have shonw those to be at a neat high level.
Maybe I simply have a natural tendency for a low chalk level: I am very slender and that usually goes with thinner bones with less chalk in them. To make sure he wants to do some extra blood tests on me.

So I was expecting I would have to shed more than the usual seven test tubes of blood this time, but it wasn't that bad: In fact they only wanted five!
I am growing used to these blood tests: This time I even dared to look when the needle went into my arm! But it still scares me!

After the tests and after making appointments for next time, I was allowed to go home again.

Well, home... My new job in Nieuwegein is in the route from the VU to my home, so I had the greater part of the day left to do some work.

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Some songs do not need a long, complicated text to make one think:

Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?

Talk to me...Ohhh, talk to me
Talk to me...Ohhh, talk to me

Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?

Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?
Do you think you're better off alone?

Talk to me...Ohhh, talk to me
Talk to me...Ohhh, talk to me
Talk to me

Alice Deejay

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No, there is nothing wrong with your computer! That is Greek and it is pronounced as "kokkineesta may giegandes".
"Is that something edible?"
Ow yes it is! It is deliciously stewed fillet of veal with giant white beans in a spicy sauce. That is what I ate last Friday in a Greek restaurant in Amsterdam. I thought it was high time to pamper myself a little! For desert I had a "φιλί τις φωτιά" (pronounce as "filie ties footia"). That was not on the menu in Greek, but only in English. I thought it should have been on the menu in Greek, so I asked the waitress for the Greek translation of "kiss of fire". By the way, that is simply coffee with Tia Maria, Cointrau and whipped cream...

This weekend was a bit too packed with activities really. Sometimes everything comes at the same time. Friday I went straight from work to the restaurant and after that to a party where I mt a lot of people I usually once see in chat-boxes. It is so nice to meet them in real life.

Saturday I went to the shops several times until the newpaper was finally delivered. But I also had to prepare a new column for Gendertalk on that day. And in the evening we had another T&T-meeting. I brought the newspaper with article and many people had read it with interest. I got a lot of positive reactions to it. But I was really too tired to fully enjoy the evening. And I haven't found the time to write a complete report on the evening.

But the worst was yet to come. On Sunday I worked on a translation for Elektor Electronics until 11 PM. I had to finish it by Monday! I enjoy this work and we can use the extra money very well, especially in our current situation, but sometimes the time isn't right for extra work...

Previous T&T-evenings: December, November, October, September, July, June, May, April, March, February, January, December 2004, November 2004, October 2004, September 2004, August 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.

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Tonight my thirtyest column was broadcast in Gendertalk #543.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://www.eveliensnel.com/audio/PUBLIC01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Publicity

Transsexuals are a hot topic for TV-programs and articles in magazines and newspapers at the moment. I think this is positive in general. It is important that people learn what transsexuals are. This may take away some of the fear people feel towards transsexuals, because they don't understand them.

Of course, reaching true understanding in people who don't share our feelings is very difficult. To be quite honest: I don't even understand myself! How on Earth is it possible that I am willing to risk almost everything just for the purpose of being a woman?
Only transsexuals know about this deep feeling that is almost impossible to explain. But we can give a lot of useful information that can help to take negative prejudices out of the way.
A good TV-program or newspaper article can do that. And that is why we should co-operate in such publications if our personal circumstances enable us to do that and if we have the feeling the journalists have a genuine interest in the subject and are planning to write a serious article about us.

There is some reason to be cautious about this: Not every journalist has the best intentions for the people he is writing about. Since transsexuals are hot, they can attract many viewers to a program that does more harm than good for the acceptance of transgendered people.
And, I have to admit it, transsexuals are easy victims for journalists who don't have the best intentions, because once they are out about their gender dysphoria, they often get into a phase where they want to yell out about it from the rooftops: They like the publicity.

Last month I was contacted by a journalist who works for a true quality newspaper to tell my story and I have agreed. I was interviewed for several hours and the photographer has also worked with me for nearly an hour to get a good picture of me. I think they have done their very best to arrive at a result that would be pleasing to me.

And today the newspaper was in the shops. I couldn't wait to get my hands on it to see the final result. And I know many of my friends, acquaintances and colleagues were also very curious to see it.
Yes, I did tell my colleagues and their reaction was heart warming. They said teasingly: "A transition from living as a man to living as a woman? What is so special about that? Is that all it takes these days to get your picture in the newspaper?" This reaction is another proof of the level of acceptance I meet in the workplace.

It is true, it is a great feeling to see myself in the newspaper and to read my own story. This is positive publicity and there is a lot of useful information in the article. It tells about the difficulties I have had to experience in my life, but it also mentions the positive feeling of finally being able to live as a woman.

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NRC Handelsblad Saturday, January 7th. 2006

The story of
Evelien Snel (45)
about
her transition from man to woman
'For my work at Philips', where I used to write software I often spent the night in a hotel on weekdays. During the day I was wearing a suit, a necktie and lace-up shoes. A real gentleman. I almost managed to be that at the time. But as soon as I closed the door of the hotel room behind me, dressing up started. I was trying on the bras and dresses I had bought.
When I went home, I hid those items at the bottom of a closet, but one day this went wrong. My spouse Julia was helping me to unpack my suitcase and found a bag of female garments. At first she thought I was seeing another woman. Then I told her about my dressing-up. It was a great relieve to come out to her about this, it had been very difficult to live my life with such a great secret for my spouse.
I am now on the waiting list for a sex-change operation. The treatment started with anti male hormone treatment and by now I have been using medication in the form of patches to supply my body with female hormones for a year. I will have to use such patches for the rest of my life. These hormones affect my body: My face has gotten rounder shapes and more fat tissue is developing in my breasts and around the hips. This is making it more and more easy to me to live as a woman and that is a wonderful feeling. I will not change my name in my passport until I am officially a woman. This requires a medical statement I can only get after my operation.
I already use the name Evelien in every day life. I was nine years old when I first heard the name Evelien. My parents and I had moved and I went to a new school, with new classmates. The name Evelien struck me. That would have been my name if I were a girl. I immediately knew that. And I got a jealous feeling every time I met a girl named Evelien.
Actually I wanted to be a girl already at the time, although I couldn't explain my feelings. I suppressed those for a very long time. At primary school I have had to endure a lot of bullying, I had difficulty to fit in with other children. In college, the bullying continued. By the time I reached puberty, I was very confused about my feelings. I wanted to go to a psychologist, but my parents were against that. If I would have to see a psychologist, that would imply that they had done something wrong.
My family had great expectations of me. I was the eldest amongst all my cousins, people thought of me as the future head of the family. One could hear that when my grandparents spoke of 'their eldest grandson'. It made me feel very uncertain. By the time I was fifteen, I had found consolence in taking drugs. Hash, mushrooms, lsd. Those drug provided me with an escape from reality. I used to take drugs every day until three years ago when I started medical treated to become a female. It is likely that I would have ended my life if it hadn't been for the drugs.
The big change started when my spouse and I were invited for a party with a very special dress-code: All males had to appear in female attire at the party. A female friend borrowed me some clothes and off we went to the party. I felt absolutely great. I got a great kick out of it. But I also experienced something else, something I hadn't been expecting. In those clothes I felt a kind of relaxation, a feeling of 'coming home'. Me spouse did notice I had a wonder night, but she was not aware of the profoundness of my experience yet.
From that day on, I started to secretly put on female clothing more often. In the beginning I felt bad about this, I was very ashamed of it. But the urge became bigger and bigger. My little secret grew into something very big. When my spouse found the female garments in my luggage, her main grief was that I hadn't discussed this with her earlier. In spite of all this, our relationship has lasted for a very long time. But I never truly had a crush on her. Somehow I have never managed to make chemistry that is normal between a man and a woman work for me. I had very profound feeling towards woman, but these were different from falling in love. I am afraid I just don't know what that feels like. My longing is to be a woman myself. Not just the looks, but also to have a female body. For a long time I have thought that looking like a woman would be enough for me and no body modification would be necessary, but this has turned out not to be feasible. Dressing up every day makes you feel like it is Mardigrasse every day. I think I do look kind of unusual if I look into the mirror now. I want to become a complete woman, even when I visit the naturist beach.
In the operation, which I will get in a year from now, the testicles and the swelling organs will be removed. The skin of the scrotum will be re-used to form the labia and the skin of the penis will be turned inside-out to form the inside of the vagina. Part of the glans is re-used to form a clitoris. The urine duct is lead to a place closely above the vagina, just where it is in normal women.

After the operation, when all the wounds have finally healed, I will be able to have sex and pee just like any other woman. I should also be able to have orgasms by stimulation of the clitoris, although that is not guaranteed to work.

At the very beginning, when I finally found the courage to go out in female attire, it was difficult for me to look acceptable. This is something you have to learn. I used to put on much too sexy clothes and to apply too much make-up. Someone nearly had an accident because he was staring at me in the traffic. It has also happened that someone went into the trouble of opening the window of his car, just to hoot at me.
Two and a half years ago I had a very nasty experience. I had decided to go out for dinner, dressed up as beautiful as I could. Two man and a woman were waving and hooting at me from a table further down the restaurant. I ignored them. But when I took a seat at the bar, these guys took a seat next to me, one on either side. They would do my operation themselves, they said threateningly and they started to pull on my skirt. I hit one of them in the face and stood up to pay my bill and leave the restaurant. They knocked me to the floor. Fortunately the woman who accompanied them called them back. I was also once assaulted at the gate to my very own back yard, when I came home after a ride on my bicycle. A guy put one hand on my mouth, the other one directly on my crotch. I bit him in his hand and he ran away. People are very interested in my body.
From a medical point of view I am almost ready for the final step, but there is still a long way to go to find my way as a woman in our society. The relationship with Julia has ended. Eventually I would love to do exciting things with men, but I am not ready for that yet. I feel like a fourteen year old girl, entering puberty again.
I would also love to go shopping with female friends and things like that. Most of the friends I have now, I have met at the T&T evenings in Eindhoven. These evenings are organized in a community center for transvestites and transsexuals, to provide them with a place where they can relax and express themselves while going out. It is a club with a very warm atmosphere, but for me it is just a stepping stone, because when I will go out into the World as a woman, my connection with this group is holding me back. I want to be a woman, not a transsexual. And this club keeps on reminding me of my past.
I did manage to apply for a job as a female and I was hired. I honestly told them I used to be a man and got a very positive reaction from them. They accept me the way I am. The things I have to endure in life have also brought me some extra appraisal on some occasions.'

Interview by Anneke Polak
Translation by Evelien Snel

[Translator's note: It is already six weeks ago this interview was published and by now I have received many reactions, pointing me to the good and bad points in this interview and to the most important thing that was left out: Validation of the role Julia has played in all this. So my fingers were itching to leave things out, add things and change things, but I haven't done that: It is only fair to give the English speaking people a true translation of the material that was originally published.]

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Today the photographer from the newspaper came to visit me at work. I have to admit I was quite nervous. Telling my story is one thing, I often do that and it can all be read on the Internet already. But having my picture taken is something else. I usually think pictures of me look awful. And this one will be seen by hundreds of thousands of people! So I did give my make-up some extra attention today and I had put on the same outfit I used for my job interview. There is little more I can do: I am who I am!

We decided it would be better to take the picture outdoors, because the light is better there and we can choose a better background there. It is a little chilly, without my coat, but taking a picture is a matter of seconds, isn't it?

NOT! He has taken at least a hundred of pictures on several different spots. He thought it would be a nice idea to picture me while I was touching up my lipstick. I thought that might be a little too stereotype, but I did go along with the idea. And then he wanted me to look into the camera at the same time! That immediately led to trouble of course: It is not without reason that you use a mirror while applying your lipstick! I soon made a red stain outside of my lips. Fortunately I could easily wipe it off again.

But luckily he also took me in several other positions I am very curious which picture will make it to the newspaper, but there were several pictures I thought were quite acceptable. And he did do his very best to picture the best of me. Wait and see... Saturday in NRC Handelsblad in the Saturday Supplement on the left page...

Later this afternoon I got an email from the journalist in my mail box: The editors are very enthusiastic and want an even longer article! That happens only rarely. So I answered some additional questions in writing and those will be added to the article.

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No, it is not feasible. I will not be sending New Year's postcards this year.

I know many people who are dear to me read my weblog, so I will say it here:

A Happy New Year to all of you!!

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