English
Nederlands
2006-04-16
Thirty-seventh Column
Tonight my thirty-seventh column was broadcast in Gendertalk #555.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.com/audio/MIRROR01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
Mirror
I think most of us M2F-folks spend a lot of time in front of the mirror doing our make-up, checking our clothing or just admiring our own female image. A mirror is a great tool for self reflection in more than one way.
Four years ago I had reached a point in my life where I didn't know which way to turn. I had gained a lot of routine in crossdressing by that time. In fact I went to work as a man every day and changed into female clothing as soon as I got home. The feeling that this female appearance was my true self was getting stronger and stronger. Until then I thought I was a crossdresser, but it became more and more clear to me crossdressing was not enough. I hated all the time I had to live as a man and I felt I was only truly alive when I was my female self.
In other words: I found out I was not a crossdresser but a transsexual! I have to admit this was very difficult to accept for me. I spent a lot of time reading about this on the Internet and what I read filled me with mixed feelings. It was wonderful to read about other transsexuals who had made the switch and were now living as women. I envied them. I wanted to make that switch myself. But the road I would have to walk for that scared me. Would I ever be able to muster up the courage to come out to everyone I knew? To walk into a hospital and ask for a sex change? To take hormones? To undergo that painful operation?
No. I knew I couldn't do that. I wasn't strong enough to start this difficult process. I would forever remain the way I was: Living a double life and feeling miserable. And over time my sadness was growing and growing.
Fortunately I did go to a therapist specialized in gender issues eventually to discuss all this. I was hoping she would be able to answer the question whether I was a transsexual or not. But she didn't do that. Instead she told me I had a lack of self-confidence and I should work on that. She gave me a very important exercise to do at home. "Put a large mirror in your living room and look at yourself for a long time every day. Ask yourself: "What do I see? Who is this person? Is this person worth fighting for?""
It was not easy to look at myself, I can tell you that. In the beginning it made me feel very sad. I was looking at someone who was too scared to make choices in life. Someone who had fantasies about a better life but was too chicken to accept the painful steps that would be necessary to get there. It took me several weeks to learn that there was only one solution for me: I didn't need someone to tell me I was a transsexual, I would have to trust my own judgment and act upon it. And that is what I did.
Four weeks ago I was in a difficult spot again. I was chatting about my situation with a very good friend on MSN and suddenly he said: "If you weren't living two hundred miles away from me I would put you in front of a mirror and interrogate you about what you see." I knew this was a good idea so I switched on my webcam and used that instead of a mirror and we had a long and intimate therapy session over the Internet. By the end of the session I was crying about my indecisiveness. But I had also seen myself as a person worth fighting for again. This chat gave me a push just when I needed it.
These are but two examples of the way self-identity mirror exercises can help us forward in our lives. So these are other ways you can use your mirror, besides putting on your make-up. You can easily try it at home. But beware, you will be amazed by the power of this simple method. If you get too scared or depressed, stop looking and don't try again until the next day. I think it can help you to find your own strength, just like I did.
<< Home
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.com/audio/MIRROR01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
I think most of us M2F-folks spend a lot of time in front of the mirror doing our make-up, checking our clothing or just admiring our own female image. A mirror is a great tool for self reflection in more than one way.
Four years ago I had reached a point in my life where I didn't know which way to turn. I had gained a lot of routine in crossdressing by that time. In fact I went to work as a man every day and changed into female clothing as soon as I got home. The feeling that this female appearance was my true self was getting stronger and stronger. Until then I thought I was a crossdresser, but it became more and more clear to me crossdressing was not enough. I hated all the time I had to live as a man and I felt I was only truly alive when I was my female self.
In other words: I found out I was not a crossdresser but a transsexual! I have to admit this was very difficult to accept for me. I spent a lot of time reading about this on the Internet and what I read filled me with mixed feelings. It was wonderful to read about other transsexuals who had made the switch and were now living as women. I envied them. I wanted to make that switch myself. But the road I would have to walk for that scared me. Would I ever be able to muster up the courage to come out to everyone I knew? To walk into a hospital and ask for a sex change? To take hormones? To undergo that painful operation?
No. I knew I couldn't do that. I wasn't strong enough to start this difficult process. I would forever remain the way I was: Living a double life and feeling miserable. And over time my sadness was growing and growing.
Fortunately I did go to a therapist specialized in gender issues eventually to discuss all this. I was hoping she would be able to answer the question whether I was a transsexual or not. But she didn't do that. Instead she told me I had a lack of self-confidence and I should work on that. She gave me a very important exercise to do at home. "Put a large mirror in your living room and look at yourself for a long time every day. Ask yourself: "What do I see? Who is this person? Is this person worth fighting for?""
It was not easy to look at myself, I can tell you that. In the beginning it made me feel very sad. I was looking at someone who was too scared to make choices in life. Someone who had fantasies about a better life but was too chicken to accept the painful steps that would be necessary to get there. It took me several weeks to learn that there was only one solution for me: I didn't need someone to tell me I was a transsexual, I would have to trust my own judgment and act upon it. And that is what I did.
Four weeks ago I was in a difficult spot again. I was chatting about my situation with a very good friend on MSN and suddenly he said: "If you weren't living two hundred miles away from me I would put you in front of a mirror and interrogate you about what you see." I knew this was a good idea so I switched on my webcam and used that instead of a mirror and we had a long and intimate therapy session over the Internet. By the end of the session I was crying about my indecisiveness. But I had also seen myself as a person worth fighting for again. This chat gave me a push just when I needed it.
These are but two examples of the way self-identity mirror exercises can help us forward in our lives. So these are other ways you can use your mirror, besides putting on your make-up. You can easily try it at home. But beware, you will be amazed by the power of this simple method. If you get too scared or depressed, stop looking and don't try again until the next day. I think it can help you to find your own strength, just like I did.
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