Diary

NRC Handelsblad Saturday, January 7th. 2006

The story of
Evelien Snel (45)
about
her transition from man to woman
'For my work at Philips', where I used to write software I often spent the night in a hotel on weekdays. During the day I was wearing a suit, a necktie and lace-up shoes. A real gentleman. I almost managed to be that at the time. But as soon as I closed the door of the hotel room behind me, dressing up started. I was trying on the bras and dresses I had bought.
When I went home, I hid those items at the bottom of a closet, but one day this went wrong. My spouse Julia was helping me to unpack my suitcase and found a bag of female garments. At first she thought I was seeing another woman. Then I told her about my dressing-up. It was a great relieve to come out to her about this, it had been very difficult to live my life with such a great secret for my spouse.
I am now on the waiting list for a sex-change operation. The treatment started with anti male hormone treatment and by now I have been using medication in the form of patches to supply my body with female hormones for a year. I will have to use such patches for the rest of my life. These hormones affect my body: My face has gotten rounder shapes and more fat tissue is developing in my breasts and around the hips. This is making it more and more easy to me to live as a woman and that is a wonderful feeling. I will not change my name in my passport until I am officially a woman. This requires a medical statement I can only get after my operation.
I already use the name Evelien in every day life. I was nine years old when I first heard the name Evelien. My parents and I had moved and I went to a new school, with new classmates. The name Evelien struck me. That would have been my name if I were a girl. I immediately knew that. And I got a jealous feeling every time I met a girl named Evelien.
Actually I wanted to be a girl already at the time, although I couldn't explain my feelings. I suppressed those for a very long time. At primary school I have had to endure a lot of bullying, I had difficulty to fit in with other children. In college, the bullying continued. By the time I reached puberty, I was very confused about my feelings. I wanted to go to a psychologist, but my parents were against that. If I would have to see a psychologist, that would imply that they had done something wrong.
My family had great expectations of me. I was the eldest amongst all my cousins, people thought of me as the future head of the family. One could hear that when my grandparents spoke of 'their eldest grandson'. It made me feel very uncertain. By the time I was fifteen, I had found consolence in taking drugs. Hash, mushrooms, lsd. Those drug provided me with an escape from reality. I used to take drugs every day until three years ago when I started medical treated to become a female. It is likely that I would have ended my life if it hadn't been for the drugs.
The big change started when my spouse and I were invited for a party with a very special dress-code: All males had to appear in female attire at the party. A female friend borrowed me some clothes and off we went to the party. I felt absolutely great. I got a great kick out of it. But I also experienced something else, something I hadn't been expecting. In those clothes I felt a kind of relaxation, a feeling of 'coming home'. Me spouse did notice I had a wonder night, but she was not aware of the profoundness of my experience yet.
From that day on, I started to secretly put on female clothing more often. In the beginning I felt bad about this, I was very ashamed of it. But the urge became bigger and bigger. My little secret grew into something very big. When my spouse found the female garments in my luggage, her main grief was that I hadn't discussed this with her earlier. In spite of all this, our relationship has lasted for a very long time. But I never truly had a crush on her. Somehow I have never managed to make chemistry that is normal between a man and a woman work for me. I had very profound feeling towards woman, but these were different from falling in love. I am afraid I just don't know what that feels like. My longing is to be a woman myself. Not just the looks, but also to have a female body. For a long time I have thought that looking like a woman would be enough for me and no body modification would be necessary, but this has turned out not to be feasible. Dressing up every day makes you feel like it is Mardigrasse every day. I think I do look kind of unusual if I look into the mirror now. I want to become a complete woman, even when I visit the naturist beach.
In the operation, which I will get in a year from now, the testicles and the swelling organs will be removed. The skin of the scrotum will be re-used to form the labia and the skin of the penis will be turned inside-out to form the inside of the vagina. Part of the glans is re-used to form a clitoris. The urine duct is lead to a place closely above the vagina, just where it is in normal women.

After the operation, when all the wounds have finally healed, I will be able to have sex and pee just like any other woman. I should also be able to have orgasms by stimulation of the clitoris, although that is not guaranteed to work.

At the very beginning, when I finally found the courage to go out in female attire, it was difficult for me to look acceptable. This is something you have to learn. I used to put on much too sexy clothes and to apply too much make-up. Someone nearly had an accident because he was staring at me in the traffic. It has also happened that someone went into the trouble of opening the window of his car, just to hoot at me.
Two and a half years ago I had a very nasty experience. I had decided to go out for dinner, dressed up as beautiful as I could. Two man and a woman were waving and hooting at me from a table further down the restaurant. I ignored them. But when I took a seat at the bar, these guys took a seat next to me, one on either side. They would do my operation themselves, they said threateningly and they started to pull on my skirt. I hit one of them in the face and stood up to pay my bill and leave the restaurant. They knocked me to the floor. Fortunately the woman who accompanied them called them back. I was also once assaulted at the gate to my very own back yard, when I came home after a ride on my bicycle. A guy put one hand on my mouth, the other one directly on my crotch. I bit him in his hand and he ran away. People are very interested in my body.
From a medical point of view I am almost ready for the final step, but there is still a long way to go to find my way as a woman in our society. The relationship with Julia has ended. Eventually I would love to do exciting things with men, but I am not ready for that yet. I feel like a fourteen year old girl, entering puberty again.
I would also love to go shopping with female friends and things like that. Most of the friends I have now, I have met at the T&T evenings in Eindhoven. These evenings are organized in a community center for transvestites and transsexuals, to provide them with a place where they can relax and express themselves while going out. It is a club with a very warm atmosphere, but for me it is just a stepping stone, because when I will go out into the World as a woman, my connection with this group is holding me back. I want to be a woman, not a transsexual. And this club keeps on reminding me of my past.
I did manage to apply for a job as a female and I was hired. I honestly told them I used to be a man and got a very positive reaction from them. They accept me the way I am. The things I have to endure in life have also brought me some extra appraisal on some occasions.'

Interview by Anneke Polak
Translation by Evelien Snel

[Translator's note: It is already six weeks ago this interview was published and by now I have received many reactions, pointing me to the good and bad points in this interview and to the most important thing that was left out: Validation of the role Julia has played in all this. So my fingers were itching to leave things out, add things and change things, but I haven't done that: It is only fair to give the English speaking people a true translation of the material that was originally published.]


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