Diary

Tonight my twenty-fifth column was broadcast in Gendertalk #534.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/MAKING12.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Making or Breaking?

As I told you four weeks ago I have applied for a new job. And guess what? I've got the job! This proves that it is possible for a transsexual woman to find a job, at least in the Netherlands. And it is the first step towards a new life. That is a great achievement and I should be very happy.

But to be honest, I am not very happy at the moment. So many things are happening in my life at the same time. Quitting my old job and ending the relationship with my spouse makes our whole world fall apart. We seemed to be doing so well together. Julia was really doing her best to make things work out for us. And now all that has to end because of me. Because of my urge to move ahead, to seek out new experiences. All this hurts Julia a lot and I am taking great risks. We will have to start all over -- again!

When I look at my life I see a recurring pattern. Again I am going to live all by myself to make some progress with my transition. This is the third time in five years that I am starting all over again. It is of course a great opportunity to gain more acceptance as a woman. There are too many people around me who have known me when I was still living as a man. Most of them accept me for who I am. But that is something else than accepting me as a woman.

I think there are many things I will have to give up. And it is common story: Look on the Internet: Most transsexuals have lost their jobs, lost their spouses, lost most of their friends. But why does it happen so many times in my case? Maybe the cuts weren't deep enough. I didn't lose my job, I didn't lose my spouse, I didn't lose too many friends. But maybe in some cases I need to break the bond myself. I say maybe, because it is very harsh to break the bond with the people who stood by me while I transitioned. And I don't know what the result of all this will be. Maybe I am starting a happy new life, maybe I am just breaking down everything I had within a few months. Only time will tell.

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Here I am, holding my new contract of employment! Shall I sign it? Yesterday I suddenly started to feel doubts again. This is a one-year contract. Of course that is secretly a probationary period!

That means a lot of uncertainty. But on the other hand: How much certainty do I have now? I do have a fixed contract now, but I have learned from experience that such a contract does not guarantee your employment; it only forces the employer to give you an amount of money (a few months of salary) when he wants to fire you.
I do not really trust the situation at my current employer's. I didn't choose to work for them and they did not choose to employ me. I have a feeling they would like to get rid of me. Time will tell how and when they will go about that...

I should be wise and keep the initiative in my own hands. I have found a company that chooses for me, the way I am. And I would love to work there: They have a pleasant atmosphere and they do interesting work.

I sign the contract and put it in the mail...

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F. is an American transsexual woman. At thirs I thought she had made up that name, but it turns out to be her real name. Under that name she had published an article about transsexuality, while she was trying to live in "stealth mode", that means that everybody now thinks she was born as a woman. That did not no very well together with having a publication like that out on the Internet. So she has asked me to remove her name from this posting.

After her transition she wanted to leave something behind for others who think they might be transsexuals. The article is still online: So You Want to be a T-Girl.

In the article she covers the many problems you will be faced with on your path of transition. It is mainly about the USA situation, but many things apply in Europe as well. It is a clear warning to everyone: Don't think a sex change is a walk in the park! On the other hand: If you really are a transsexual, there will come a moment when you will have to transition. You will know when it is time for you and then you won't have any other option...

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Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies
That filled our minds
You knew how I loved you
But my spirit was free
Laughin' at the questions
That you once asked of me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams
Just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long
Before we'll see
How sad the answers
To those questions can be

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?

Do you get
What you're hoping for
When you look behind you
There's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?

Diana Ross

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One moment I am chatting with two female colleagues about a project one of them is working on: It is a device for making mammograms. (The technical details are secret of course, but I can assure you this procedure will be a lot less intrusive than the current way of making mammograms, where your breasts have to be crammed between two plates...)
I feel completely accepted in this 'girl talk' with two women.

The next moment I am walking from one building to another on our company premises and I hear a remark from a group of guys who are obviously bored. In a quasi-gay-voice one them says: "Absolutely fabulous, hun!"
It is clear that he is referring to my pink skirt suit and pink handbag.
Am I being too pink today? Ah well, probably these guys know all about my background. Everybody in the company knows about me. The gossip circuit reaches everyone. But why can't guys simply behave themselves and care about other people's feelings?

An hour later I go to the smoking area in our building. I am started a little when I enter the room. Usually my colleague M. and I have this room all to ourselves, but now there are four guys in there I haven't met before. They are blue-collar workers, movers I think. Fortunately one seat is still free, so I sit down and I smoke as I had planned to do. I even get into a conversation with them. They are from Amsterdam, I can clearly hear that from the way they pronounce the Dutch language. They behave perfectly normal and they don't seem to read me at all. When they stand up and leave the room, their foreman says: "Have a nice day, Ma'am!"
I am not really having a nice day today, but it is great to notice that there are guys who can behave normally towards me!

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Tonight my twenty-fourth column was broadcast in Gendertalk #532.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/SPLIT01.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Splitting Up
It was difficult to come up with a new column this week, because my life is in turmoil at the moment. There is some good news: I am likely to get the job I spoke about two weeks ago.
And also My first publication in print is now in the shops.

But there is also something else and I feel embarrassed to tell you about that. Do you remember Gendertalk # 449 ? Let me remind you. In that program Julia and I were interviewed about how we managed to keep our relationship going although I transitioned. We really thought we could handle a transition. But at the time I wasn't taking hormones yet. I was basically still the same person I used to be, only now wearing a dress.

But things have progressed since then. I have been on female hormones for nine months now and I am half-way through my real life test. I am beginning to think about what my life will be like after my operation.

One day you wake up as a woman and you look around you. Where am I? Who am I? It turns out that you are in a situation you created yourself before the transition. Doing a man's job. Surrounded by a spouse and friends and relatives who have known you when you were a man. If you are lucky all these people may treat you in a respectful way and remember to use your new name when addressing you.

A change of environment can do a lot of good. I am making progress in that by finding a new job. In my new job I won't have to deal with people who know about my past. I will be just like any other new woman in the office.

But what about our marriage? Can I go on with that? My desire to be a woman goes much further than just being addressed as madam. I want to explore the world. I know I am being selfish and stubborn. I think this is what they call the 'second puberty'. Julia and I have decided that it is the best solution to split up once again. Many friends are now very angry with me, I am likely to lose them. They say the only valid reason to end a relationship is when you fall in love with someone else, because then your feelings change and your hormones start to boil.

Looking at myself I have to admit that my feelings are changing and hormones are fizzing in my blood. In a way this feeling is similar to 'falling in love with someone else'. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but there will definitely be some drastic changes in my life in the next few months...

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Today the November issue of Elektor Electronics has been published. In it: My very first publication in print!
The editors have sent me samples of the November issue in each of the four languages in which Elektor is published with my article in it.
The original article is in the Dutch-language "Elektuur", there is also a German version in "Elektor", the English version in "Elektor Electronics" and a French version in "Elektor".
I have worked for Elektuur as a free-lance translator for five years already, but now there is finally an article that has my name on it! (The English language version of the article is available for free download on the Elektor-site...)

The article is about E-Blocks. That is a system developed by Matrix Multimedia in England. It consists of modules which make it possible to easily and quickly build a prototype of a microcontroller application. Elektuur sent me such a system two months ago with a request to write an article about it.
More articles will follow. I wrote more about the system than is in this first publication. And I am also working on some nice applications for this system. At the moment I am working on... No, I won't tell you. Just wait and see what will be in the future issues of Elektor Electronics!


Elektor Electronics is a popular monthly magazine on electronics. It aims to inspire people to learn about electronics by presenting descriptions for building electronic equipment and by signalizing developments in electronics and technical informatics. It is published in Dutch, English, German and French. Elektor is sold in over 50 countries worldwide.

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Julia and I went to the VU for my usual 3 month check-up. Planned are visits with the psychologist, the endocrinologist (=hormone doctor), a bone-scan and the speech therapist.

The talk with the psychologist was quite heavy; I want to fully experience life as a woman, but I feel hampered in that in our marriage. Julia has already had to accept so much from me, the limit has been reached. I won't go into the details too deeply, but we obviously have a problem here. The psychologist patiently listened to our stories, but she didn't give an opinion. This is something Julia and I need to work out together.

This time the endocrinologist was a different one than last time, this one says I do not need extra calcium for my osteoporosis. He thinks a pint of milk each day gives me enough calcium. I am glad I still have a big jar of these calcium tables at home. I will take those on the days I haven't drunk any milk...

The bone scan was not interesting; it is just a röntgen scan, not an MRI at all as I thought last year. Therefore I don't see why I couldn't have any metal on my body. I even had to take off my bra.

The speech therapist was enthusiastic about my voice and presentation. She says I make a quite feminine impression. But still my articulation lacks a little vivaciousness. She did warn me that I must keep on practicing my voice to prevent it from slipping back into old habits.
When the speech therapist was out of the room for a moment, Julia remarked that I spoke to the doctor very differently then I speak at home. She is right of course: I was now doing my best to make the right impression. At home that is not always so important as it is now...
I had to read the same story I read last year while a frequency spectrum of my voice is recorded. It turned out 145 Hz was now the most occurring frequency! That is a great result. Last year I set the target to get from the musical note A (110 Hz) to the note E (150 Hz). 145 Hz is between D and E, so I am nearly there. The therapist was very satisfied with this result. This frequency is really near the top of what can be reached with a male larynx.

To my surprise I didn't have to have my blood tested this time. That was a relief, because those needles always scare me...

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Tonight my twenty-third column was broadcast in Gendertalk #530.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/INTER12.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:

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Job interview
For a long time I thought applying for a new job was out of the question for me. Everywhere I went, people made a problem of the way I looked. But lately this is steadily improving. I have learned a lot about clothing and make-up. I have had one year of speech therapy. Taking hormones, laser hair removal and sessions at the beautician's have made my face look a lot more feminine. And now that I even have modern, dignified clothing, there can't be any obstacle in the way, can there?

So I decided to try my luck. I sent my resume to an interesting company and I was invited for an interview. So it was time for a historic moment: My first job interview as a woman. I was not too nervous, less nervous than I used to be for job interviews in the past really, because I feel more happy with myself now.
The receptionist reacted very normally, as if there was nothing special to see about me and in the interview with the recruiter (a woman fortunately) the subject of transsexuality wasn't discussed at all initially. She talked about the history of the company and about the kind of work they are doing. And I spoke about my technical, process-oriented and management experiences.

But an interview like this always moves on the a more personal level at one point or another. She asked me: "Is there anything in your life you would do differently if you got a chance to do it all over again?" That is of course a very smart question to find out about the weak spots of a candidate.

I thought this was a good opportunity to bring the subject of my gender dysphoria into the discussion, so I replied: "Yes, you have no doubt noticed something special about me: I have changed from living as a man to living as a woman. I should have done that much earlier." A very clever response, if I may say so myself: I had countered her difficult question by mentioning a mistake I had corrected already, I had indicated that I was happy about my current situation and I had brought up this dangerous subject without using a word that has "sex" in it.

Well yes, she had noticed something about me, but personally she wasn't bothered by that. And she realized that someone who can handle such a dramatic change in life must have a strong personality.

Of course she needed to know more about my transition status, so we talked some more about that, but she didn't try to ask for too personal details. She also said I was doing very well amd looking quite natural. She complimented me on my clothing and my voice.

Our conversation ended in a very pleasant atmosphere. Now we will have to wait and see whether I will be invited for a second interview.
But even if there won't be a second interview, I have already gained a lot with this action: It has increased my self-confidence. Even in my current job this can be useful: I have learned I am not as dependent on my current employer as I thought I was: If they give me too hard a time, I can simply take another job. In other words I don't have to let them sit on me!

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"Evelientje, wake up! You have to be at the hairdresser's in thirty minutes!"

Huh? What? Ow, no! My alarm clock hasn't worked!
I take a quick shower and put some clothes o in a hurry. Eat? -- No time! Make-up? -- Forget it! Money? -- I grab some Euro notes and put them in the pocket of my coat. Contacts? -- Yes, I have to, I must drive the car...
What a hectic start for a Saturday! I jump in the car and speed to Studio Tonny. We have met Jos and Tonny at the T&T evening in March and now they will finally get their hands on me.

I am a little surprised when I enter the studio: It doesn't really look like a hairdresser's salon! Yes, there are mirrors, but they are on a table in the middle of the room. On both sides of the table are chairs, but these are not hairdresser's chairs. They are nice to sit in, but the height is not adjustable. I don't hope this will cause Jos and Tonny problems with their back in the long run.
To begin with, my hair has to be died. We pick the color together. It will be gold-blonde, a slightly warmer color than I used to have. "Sorry, we think you face really needs this, you have a rather pale complexion." Why sorry? I have come to this salon for advice.

Other women often have beautiful hair, that falls in wide waves across their shoulders down to the bottom of their shoulder blades. I want that too! I have a lot of hair; my hair is strong; when it has been died recently, the color is nice. But it is hanging on my shoulders like worn-out ropes!! My only option for now is to knot it with a scrunchy.
Jos and Tonny do have some advice for me: Don't wash your hair too often, do brush it a lot, if you want waves in it you can roll it around thick rags. But from now on they will cut my hair differently: All my hair should grow to the same length. It will take a while to reach that but we have made a start this time.

Finally they style my hair with bobby pins in a very nice way. It looked really fabulous, so I was immediately ready for the T&T evening. The rest of the day passed away quickly and before I knew it, it was time to leave for community center "De Rondweg" again. I didn't feel like dressing up, so I just kept on the same clothes I put on in the morning. That way I don't have to pull a top over beautifully styled hair. Just a touch of make-up: Mascara, two strategically places dots of eye-shadow and a little lipstick...

It wasn't too busy on the T&T evening. But was certainly was something interesting to do: Lia van Beek was once again our guest with a selection from the clothing, make-up, jewelry, wigs and bras from her shop. She and her partner looking very good in their 'company outfit': Both were wearing a identical skirt suits with the shop's name on it. Beautiful!

Between the clothes I found a very nice skirt suit for myself at a price of only $ 40. Unbelievable! I kept it on right away, because I felt a little under dressed in those clothes I had put on in a hurry in the morning. A skirt suit looks very elegant and feminine. I always wanted to have one, but usually they are so expensive!

We also bought two skirts, one for Julia and one for me. Lia has a very nice assortment of garments and other stuff in her shop and I think a visit to her shop is recommended for all beginning trannies! She will help you with the transformation from man to woman. Making an appointment is necessary:

Lia's Transformation Donk 12 2360 Oud Turnhout België	Tel 0032-(0)474-678749 Fax 0032-(0)14-440169 www.lia-transformation.nl Email: Lia(at-thingy)skynet.be
The shop can only be visited with an appointment.

I spent a hour at the bar with a Belgian transvestite I hadn't seen in a year. She hardly goes outside the house in female attire because she is afraid she doesn't pass. Well, I don't think she needs to worry about that, she looks just fine: Good body-shape, decent clothing, feminine-looking face... Nothing wrong with that!

Previous T&T-evenings: September, July, June, May, April, March, February, January, December, November, October, September 2004, August 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.

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