English
Nederlands
2005-09-26
A year (un)like any other
Believe it or not: I have actually read a book! 
'Submit yourself to the discipline of writing every day for let's say thirty minutes.'
That was the assignment Kristien Hemmerechts gave to her students. But in reality she gave that assignment to herself. From February 5th 2001 until February 15th 2002 she kept a diary to 'say the truth as much as possible'. During that year she spent a lot of time working at her desk, but she also gave lectures in The Netherlands, Belgium, Italy, Hungary and Germany. She met authors and readers, cycled with her friend on a tandem in Madagascar, was baffled by the terrorist attack in New York and the bombings in Afghanistan; she cooked meals, went out with friends, taught at the university, got annoyed, got aroused and enjoyed. Often the diary turned into a sort of memory book when an image, an event or a quote led her mind back to the past. An innocent-looking postcard from a helpful reader confronted her with the infidelity of her memory a crucial memory she had spoken about in many interviews turned out not to be true. She had to conclude that it is not so easy to say the truth.
It didn't take me a year to read this book, but it must have been two months at least. There are so many other things to do. I don't think I have submitted myself to the discipline of reading for let's say thirty minutes every day.
But the book kept drawing my attention. Imagine: The diary of a 45 year old female author! If I had made different choices in my life, this could have been my diary...
I would like to live like this. No 9 to 5 job. Make my own choices. Meet interesting people. Give lectures. Teach. Work when you feel inspired. Travel. Make love. Live!
I don't mean to say Kristien's life is an easy one. She works hard. She has gone through a lot of misery. Both her sons and her husband have died, her sister is also not doing well. These things leave scars on you forever and they are often mentioned in the diary.
While I was reading, I was often touched and I thought: "This would be nice to quote in my weblog." But that is not easy, if you quote just a part, you get it out of the context.
On the other hand: The whole diary is made out of small passages, often without a relation to the surrounding text. So I will translate some quotes for you:
Page 67: "So many things do not end up in this diary. So many reasons to leave things out. Like for instance: Not being able to find the right words. The gigantic difference between pondering on this and that and actually writing it down. But also: The feelings of the people around me -- their right to privacy; and also your own need -- I am speaking about my need -- for privacy, my right to keep some things to myself. I am inclined to show a positive image of myself anyway. I leave out a detail here and there. "You are so open-hearted, Mrs. Hemmerechts." To a certain extent, yes. And now I will open-heartedly eat an egg-sandwich."
The same goes for my weblog! Maybe even more than Kristien wrote. There are passages she writes about her close family I don't even want to quote here, because I think they are too confronting. But those passages did touch me, when I read them...
Page 87: "I was reminded of a lunch at the Belgian embassy in Montreal with teachers from the university. Amongst them was a woman who was apparently very important. As soon as she found out that I hadn't been translated into English and I probably never would be, she shifted her chair backward and had to control herself not to stand up and walk away. You see she was thinking: 'So I'm wasting my time here.' Sitting on her valuable ass she was wasting her valuable time. The change from politeness to rudeness was certainly spectacular. It made me think of the US of A where no-one will invest a minute of his time in a conversation that doesn't lead to a profit sooner or later.
It is odd that a woman like that can suddenly re-appear. Sunny morning, buy a newspaper, vaguely longing for southern places, and then without a warning this cold, calculating woman is before my eyes. You were not invited! But I see her more often, that woman; she represents the fear of losing my mask. To be exposed. 'Not such an interesting person after all, that Hemmerechts.'
Is she, or isn't she worth the trouble?"
Yes, it is difficult to translate Kristien, if only because her books are a mixture of languages in themselves already. But I have some good news: Kristien has been translated already. I did it myself!
Page 116: "I had a wonderful evening dancing with Tom Lanoye. That was another surprise. Home at 3:30 AM. Didn't drink a drop of alcohol. Slept until 11. Mom's birthday. Seventy-three!"
It sound wonderful, but I cannot dance. Recently I tried it again... It works best if I close my eyes and let him lead me blindly. But I have only learned to dance as a man. That is so different...
My mom is seventy-three too!
Page 121: "Shall I write something in this diary I would rather keep to myself?"
I won't give away what is in the next paragraph.
Page 150: "Wouldn't it be nice to discover an extra week in my diary? A week nobody else knows about, just for myself."
Who wouldn't like that?
I will skip the parts about 9/11 and the cycling tour on Madagascar here. I just want to quote the last part. To you feel sorry for this little girl? We are all alone, just like Ingertje!
Page 379: "Once upon a time there were a mommy and a little girl who loved each other so dearly they promised to stay together forever. No matter what would happen, they would never part. The girl wouldn't grow up and mommy wouldn't grow old or ugly. They would live happily ever after.
"She really believes it", said mommy with a loving smile...
[...]
But Ingertje had heard every word they said. Her heart was pounding wildly. She was a stupid little brat! A child that believed what mommy told her! She would never, ever...
But it wasn't so clear to her what she would never ever do again. Mommy must not know that she knew... If she pretended she didn't know, mommy might... Everything should stay the way it was. She would wipe it all out. That was the best thing she could do.
The door to her bedroom was quietly closed. Ingertje was alone."
'Submit yourself to the discipline of writing every day for let's say thirty minutes.'
That was the assignment Kristien Hemmerechts gave to her students. But in reality she gave that assignment to herself. From February 5th 2001 until February 15th 2002 she kept a diary to 'say the truth as much as possible'. During that year she spent a lot of time working at her desk, but she also gave lectures in The Netherlands, Belgium, Italy, Hungary and Germany. She met authors and readers, cycled with her friend on a tandem in Madagascar, was baffled by the terrorist attack in New York and the bombings in Afghanistan; she cooked meals, went out with friends, taught at the university, got annoyed, got aroused and enjoyed. Often the diary turned into a sort of memory book when an image, an event or a quote led her mind back to the past. An innocent-looking postcard from a helpful reader confronted her with the infidelity of her memory a crucial memory she had spoken about in many interviews turned out not to be true. She had to conclude that it is not so easy to say the truth.It didn't take me a year to read this book, but it must have been two months at least. There are so many other things to do. I don't think I have submitted myself to the discipline of reading for let's say thirty minutes every day.
But the book kept drawing my attention. Imagine: The diary of a 45 year old female author! If I had made different choices in my life, this could have been my diary...
I would like to live like this. No 9 to 5 job. Make my own choices. Meet interesting people. Give lectures. Teach. Work when you feel inspired. Travel. Make love. Live!
I don't mean to say Kristien's life is an easy one. She works hard. She has gone through a lot of misery. Both her sons and her husband have died, her sister is also not doing well. These things leave scars on you forever and they are often mentioned in the diary.
While I was reading, I was often touched and I thought: "This would be nice to quote in my weblog." But that is not easy, if you quote just a part, you get it out of the context.
On the other hand: The whole diary is made out of small passages, often without a relation to the surrounding text. So I will translate some quotes for you:
Page 67: "So many things do not end up in this diary. So many reasons to leave things out. Like for instance: Not being able to find the right words. The gigantic difference between pondering on this and that and actually writing it down. But also: The feelings of the people around me -- their right to privacy; and also your own need -- I am speaking about my need -- for privacy, my right to keep some things to myself. I am inclined to show a positive image of myself anyway. I leave out a detail here and there. "You are so open-hearted, Mrs. Hemmerechts." To a certain extent, yes. And now I will open-heartedly eat an egg-sandwich."
The same goes for my weblog! Maybe even more than Kristien wrote. There are passages she writes about her close family I don't even want to quote here, because I think they are too confronting. But those passages did touch me, when I read them...
Page 87: "I was reminded of a lunch at the Belgian embassy in Montreal with teachers from the university. Amongst them was a woman who was apparently very important. As soon as she found out that I hadn't been translated into English and I probably never would be, she shifted her chair backward and had to control herself not to stand up and walk away. You see she was thinking: 'So I'm wasting my time here.' Sitting on her valuable ass she was wasting her valuable time. The change from politeness to rudeness was certainly spectacular. It made me think of the US of A where no-one will invest a minute of his time in a conversation that doesn't lead to a profit sooner or later.
It is odd that a woman like that can suddenly re-appear. Sunny morning, buy a newspaper, vaguely longing for southern places, and then without a warning this cold, calculating woman is before my eyes. You were not invited! But I see her more often, that woman; she represents the fear of losing my mask. To be exposed. 'Not such an interesting person after all, that Hemmerechts.'
Is she, or isn't she worth the trouble?"
Yes, it is difficult to translate Kristien, if only because her books are a mixture of languages in themselves already. But I have some good news: Kristien has been translated already. I did it myself!
Page 116: "I had a wonderful evening dancing with Tom Lanoye. That was another surprise. Home at 3:30 AM. Didn't drink a drop of alcohol. Slept until 11. Mom's birthday. Seventy-three!"
It sound wonderful, but I cannot dance. Recently I tried it again... It works best if I close my eyes and let him lead me blindly. But I have only learned to dance as a man. That is so different...
My mom is seventy-three too!
Page 121: "Shall I write something in this diary I would rather keep to myself?"
I won't give away what is in the next paragraph.
Page 150: "Wouldn't it be nice to discover an extra week in my diary? A week nobody else knows about, just for myself."
Who wouldn't like that?
I will skip the parts about 9/11 and the cycling tour on Madagascar here. I just want to quote the last part. To you feel sorry for this little girl? We are all alone, just like Ingertje!
Page 379: "Once upon a time there were a mommy and a little girl who loved each other so dearly they promised to stay together forever. No matter what would happen, they would never part. The girl wouldn't grow up and mommy wouldn't grow old or ugly. They would live happily ever after.
"She really believes it", said mommy with a loving smile...
[...]
But Ingertje had heard every word they said. Her heart was pounding wildly. She was a stupid little brat! A child that believed what mommy told her! She would never, ever...
But it wasn't so clear to her what she would never ever do again. Mommy must not know that she knew... If she pretended she didn't know, mommy might... Everything should stay the way it was. She would wipe it all out. That was the best thing she could do.
The door to her bedroom was quietly closed. Ingertje was alone."
2005-09-22
Second Interview
After the satisfying first interview it almost went without saying that I would be invited for a second time to further discuss my opportunities in this company. Almost without saying, because although there was definitely a click between the recruiter and me and although my knowledge and experience match with the activities of the company very well, there was always the chance there would be some narrow-minded, old-fashioned moron in the human resources department who would rather keep a transsexual out of the company, no matter how well he or she could perform on the job.
Well, apparently that is not the case, for today I visited the company for a second interview. I spoke with two gentlemen this time: The guy from the management team who is responsible for the staffing and a project leader.
We discussed a lot of technical matters about their most important product. It is quite a large and complicated system, that has evolved over the years and has to take into account the peculiarities of many systems it has to co-operate with. One might want to make a fresh start or do some drastic changes, but you can't just do that. Changes should be implemented gradually, taking the continuity of the production process into account. Very interesting.
Because I mainly have experience in working on projects, they were expecting I would want to do that again within this company. But there is another side to their activities and that is the service department, where error reports come in and are dealt with. That starts with a help desk employee, who picks up the phone and asks the customers whether they are absolutely sure they plugged the equipment into the wall socket (first line). In the second line we find technicians who can take action if something really has gone wrong. And the third line is a group of specialists who handle the real difficult problems. So wouldn't there be a spot for me in that group? This seems more interesting than working on longer term projects.
A third man was asked to join us, a manager from the service department and I spoke with him too. Yes there is more variation in this work. Sometimes you will be asked to work on one thing in the morning and then, after the lunch break, suddenly something else will have the highest priority. Often the service department will be installing new software at the customer's site. So there will be many contacts with the customers. Well, I love customers. Not only because they bring the money to the company, but also because I like to see people are made happy by my work.
So this was again a very inspiring interview in an open, relaxed atmosphere. I really felt they took me seriously. They wouldn't get an extra guy to join in in the conversation for nothing. That shows they were really looking to find the best connection with my ambitions.
And transsexuality? It wasn't even mentioned. Why should it be? It should not make a difference whether an employee is a man or a woman. The only thing that counts is to find the position where he or she can perform best.
Now we have to wait and see again whether the positive feeling about this interview is indeed mutual. In that case there will be another appointment...
Well, apparently that is not the case, for today I visited the company for a second interview. I spoke with two gentlemen this time: The guy from the management team who is responsible for the staffing and a project leader.
We discussed a lot of technical matters about their most important product. It is quite a large and complicated system, that has evolved over the years and has to take into account the peculiarities of many systems it has to co-operate with. One might want to make a fresh start or do some drastic changes, but you can't just do that. Changes should be implemented gradually, taking the continuity of the production process into account. Very interesting.
Because I mainly have experience in working on projects, they were expecting I would want to do that again within this company. But there is another side to their activities and that is the service department, where error reports come in and are dealt with. That starts with a help desk employee, who picks up the phone and asks the customers whether they are absolutely sure they plugged the equipment into the wall socket (first line). In the second line we find technicians who can take action if something really has gone wrong. And the third line is a group of specialists who handle the real difficult problems. So wouldn't there be a spot for me in that group? This seems more interesting than working on longer term projects.
A third man was asked to join us, a manager from the service department and I spoke with him too. Yes there is more variation in this work. Sometimes you will be asked to work on one thing in the morning and then, after the lunch break, suddenly something else will have the highest priority. Often the service department will be installing new software at the customer's site. So there will be many contacts with the customers. Well, I love customers. Not only because they bring the money to the company, but also because I like to see people are made happy by my work.
So this was again a very inspiring interview in an open, relaxed atmosphere. I really felt they took me seriously. They wouldn't get an extra guy to join in in the conversation for nothing. That shows they were really looking to find the best connection with my ambitions.
And transsexuality? It wasn't even mentioned. Why should it be? It should not make a difference whether an employee is a man or a woman. The only thing that counts is to find the position where he or she can perform best.
Now we have to wait and see again whether the positive feeling about this interview is indeed mutual. In that case there will be another appointment...
2005-09-18
Twenty-Second Column
Tonight my twenty-second column was broadcast in Gendertalk #528.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/QUOTE11.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
Melancholy
A few months ago I found a beautiful quote from Anatole France on another transsexual's weblog:
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
I was touched by this text and I wanted to tell her. I also wanted to explain to the rest of the world why this quote was so fitting for the situation of a transsexual. So I placed a comment on her weblog:
"Anatole is absolutely right there. This makes our transition difficult. Only few people understand that. At times I am a bit sad about the things I lose due to my transition, but then people tell me I wanted to transition myself, so I shouldn't whine. If I feel sorry I should just call off the whole transition."
I was very surprised to read her reaction:
"I am never sad about my past. My past was nothing and it never will be. Therefore I see no reason to feel sorry."
Well, if I completely misunderstood her, why did she quote this in the first place? I placed another comment to ask her for an explanation and she answered that it had to do with the people around you who have grown used to a person that is no longer there.
I didn't go into this discussion any deeper. I have often noticed that transsexuals can get very angry if you disagree with them, especially if you trying to prick the balloon of their all-happy, doubt-free, painless transition. I have seen such discussions become very hateful in several cases on the Internet and I didn't want to start yet another flame-war...
But between us: I do not believe in a painless transition. And I think the transsexuals who react so strongly if you hint at possible doubts or disadvantages are really trying to deny such feelings within themselves. This reminds me of another quote from Anatole France:
"A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance."
OK, so maybe I will never be as happy as a person who doesn't see the dark side of things. But I think I would rather face reality the way it is than close my eyes for any stain that spoils the image of a perfect transition.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/QUOTE11.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
A few months ago I found a beautiful quote from Anatole France on another transsexual's weblog:
"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."
I was touched by this text and I wanted to tell her. I also wanted to explain to the rest of the world why this quote was so fitting for the situation of a transsexual. So I placed a comment on her weblog:
"Anatole is absolutely right there. This makes our transition difficult. Only few people understand that. At times I am a bit sad about the things I lose due to my transition, but then people tell me I wanted to transition myself, so I shouldn't whine. If I feel sorry I should just call off the whole transition."
I was very surprised to read her reaction:
"I am never sad about my past. My past was nothing and it never will be. Therefore I see no reason to feel sorry."
Well, if I completely misunderstood her, why did she quote this in the first place? I placed another comment to ask her for an explanation and she answered that it had to do with the people around you who have grown used to a person that is no longer there.
I didn't go into this discussion any deeper. I have often noticed that transsexuals can get very angry if you disagree with them, especially if you trying to prick the balloon of their all-happy, doubt-free, painless transition. I have seen such discussions become very hateful in several cases on the Internet and I didn't want to start yet another flame-war...
But between us: I do not believe in a painless transition. And I think the transsexuals who react so strongly if you hint at possible doubts or disadvantages are really trying to deny such feelings within themselves. This reminds me of another quote from Anatole France:
"A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance."
OK, so maybe I will never be as happy as a person who doesn't see the dark side of things. But I think I would rather face reality the way it is than close my eyes for any stain that spoils the image of a perfect transition.
2005-09-17
Party
Saturday evening we had a big party. We were celebrating Julia's 65th birthday. We had rented community center "De Rondweg", arranged DJ Silvia, ordered a meal for 61 people and invited our good friend Jos to be the host and ceremony master.
Fortunately we didn't get the usual boring 'story of your life' speech. Jos welcomed all the guests and presented a beautiful book full of photo's and clipping to Julia. So the 'story of her life' is in the book and we can look at that at our leisure at home. He also unveiled a beautiful work of art created by all our guests: Everybody had made a little tile with a personal message to Julia and Jos had assembled all these onto a big tableau.
A few months ago Jos had phoned me to ask for photos he could use for the photo book, but I have no idea where Julia keeps her photos so I asked her. Oops, I shouldn't have done that of course! From that moment on Jos kept me out of all the preparations because he was afraid I would be an information leak.
Of course Jos also had contact with the guests who wanted to sing a song or do an act at the party and he had contact with all the guests about the tiles they had to make, but he didn't contact me at all. That was a pity, because I felt I should do something at the party myself too. So I secretly prepared my own performance. I am not good at lying and cheating, so it is a miracle Julia hasn't noticed anything. I had been practicing my song for a few days. It is a song to the tune of "Hello Mary Lou":
[See abridged translation below the Dutch text]
Hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Mijn Julia wordt 65 jaar
Met jou, Julia, deel ik het pad
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Ooit was ik een zielepoot
Een zieke hond 'k lag in de goot
Maar Julia die haalde mij daar uit
Eerst ging dat een tijdje goed,
Ik was nu "welopgevoed"
Maar toen kwam mijn ware aard er uit
Ik zeg:
Hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Mijn Julia wordt 65 jaar
Met jou, Julia, deel ik het pad
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
[Tussenspel]
Voor Julia is niks te dol
Al doe ik gek ze houdt 't vol
En ooh waar vind je ooit zo'n sterke vrouw
Daarom ben ik nu zo blij
Jij bent echt een reuzekei
Vandaar dat ik zoveel van je hou
Hee hee
Hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Mijn Julia wordt 65 jaar
Met jouw, Julia, deel ik het pad
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Ja hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
[Abridged translation:
I was in the gutter
Julia rescued me
For a while we were OK
But then my real self came to the surface.
Whatever I do,
Julia stands by me
That's why I love her so much]
Many people were touched... Including Julia of course. She wasn't expecting me to make any contribution, let alone sing. I can't even sing! But oddly enough she said I was even singing in key. My voice did tremble a little, because this was a scary thing to do and because I was touched by the song myself too...
It was a great party. All good friends and relatives of Julia and myself. There were more people who sang a song and there was delicious food.
After dinner Linda sang a beautiful song to the tune of a well-known Dutch song with a sing-along refrain. The text was written by our friend Mieke. Unfortunately it is untranslatable...
At a party like this you get to meet many people you don't see very often, so there was a lot of attention for my female appearance. Of course I was again wearing one of these outfits from the department store, completed with pumps with hiiiigh heels. I got a lot of compliments.
In this final picture you can see Julia as a happy grandmother amidst her grandchildren. Linda was hired to take care of the little ones, but she turned out to be a good singer as well (see above).
We want to thank everyone who has helped to make this a great party, that is Jos and Maarten and Mieke and Linda and Silvia and Merel and the volunteers from the community center and the cook and his assistant and the people from Mutua Amicitia and all guests and, and...
Fortunately we didn't get the usual boring 'story of your life' speech. Jos welcomed all the guests and presented a beautiful book full of photo's and clipping to Julia. So the 'story of her life' is in the book and we can look at that at our leisure at home. He also unveiled a beautiful work of art created by all our guests: Everybody had made a little tile with a personal message to Julia and Jos had assembled all these onto a big tableau.A few months ago Jos had phoned me to ask for photos he could use for the photo book, but I have no idea where Julia keeps her photos so I asked her. Oops, I shouldn't have done that of course! From that moment on Jos kept me out of all the preparations because he was afraid I would be an information leak.
Of course Jos also had contact with the guests who wanted to sing a song or do an act at the party and he had contact with all the guests about the tiles they had to make, but he didn't contact me at all. That was a pity, because I felt I should do something at the party myself too. So I secretly prepared my own performance. I am not good at lying and cheating, so it is a miracle Julia hasn't noticed anything. I had been practicing my song for a few days. It is a song to the tune of "Hello Mary Lou":
[See abridged translation below the Dutch text]
Hallo JuliaLieve Schat
Mijn Julia wordt 65 jaar
Met jou, Julia, deel ik het pad
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Ooit was ik een zielepoot
Een zieke hond 'k lag in de goot
Maar Julia die haalde mij daar uit
Eerst ging dat een tijdje goed,
Ik was nu "welopgevoed"
Maar toen kwam mijn ware aard er uit
Ik zeg:
Hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Mijn Julia wordt 65 jaar
Met jou, Julia, deel ik het pad
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
[Tussenspel]
Voor Julia is niks te dolAl doe ik gek ze houdt 't vol
En ooh waar vind je ooit zo'n sterke vrouw
Daarom ben ik nu zo blij
Jij bent echt een reuzekei
Vandaar dat ik zoveel van je hou
Hee hee
Hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Mijn Julia wordt 65 jaar
Met jouw, Julia, deel ik het pad
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Dus hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
Ja hallo Julia
Lieve Schat
[Abridged translation:
I was in the gutter
Julia rescued me
For a while we were OK
But then my real self came to the surface.
Whatever I do,
Julia stands by me
That's why I love her so much]
Many people were touched... Including Julia of course. She wasn't expecting me to make any contribution, let alone sing. I can't even sing! But oddly enough she said I was even singing in key. My voice did tremble a little, because this was a scary thing to do and because I was touched by the song myself too...
It was a great party. All good friends and relatives of Julia and myself. There were more people who sang a song and there was delicious food.
After dinner Linda sang a beautiful song to the tune of a well-known Dutch song with a sing-along refrain. The text was written by our friend Mieke. Unfortunately it is untranslatable...At a party like this you get to meet many people you don't see very often, so there was a lot of attention for my female appearance. Of course I was again wearing one of these outfits from the department store, completed with pumps with hiiiigh heels. I got a lot of compliments.
In this final picture you can see Julia as a happy grandmother amidst her grandchildren. Linda was hired to take care of the little ones, but she turned out to be a good singer as well (see above).
We want to thank everyone who has helped to make this a great party, that is Jos and Maarten and Mieke and Linda and Silvia and Merel and the volunteers from the community center and the cook and his assistant and the people from Mutua Amicitia and all guests and, and...
2005-09-15
Job Interview
For a long time I thought applying for a new job was out of the question for me. Everywhere I went, people made a problem of the way I looked. But lately this is steadily improving. I have learned a lot about clothing and make-up. Taking hormones, laser hair removal and sessions at the beautician's have made my face look a lot more feminine. And now that I even have modern, dignified clothing, there cannot be any obstacle in the way, right?
So I decided to try my luck. I sent my resume to an interesting company and I was invited for an interview. And today was the big day: My first job interview as a woman. I was not too nervous, less nervous than I used to be for job interviews in the past really, because I feel more happy with myself now.
The receptionist reacted very normally, as if there was nothing special to see about me and in the interview with the recruiter (a woman fortunately) the subject of transsexuality wasn't discussed at all initially. She talked about the history of the company and about the kind of work they are doing. And I spoke about my technical, process-oriented and management experiences.
But an interview like this always moves on the a more personal level at one point or another. She asked me: "Is there anything in your life you would do differently if you got a chance to do it all over again?" That is of course a very smart question to find out about the weak spots of a candidate.
I thought this was a good opportunity to bring the subject of my gender dysphoria into the discussion, so I replied: "Yes, you have no doubt noticed something special about me: I have changed from living as a man to living as a woman. I should have done that much earlier." A very clever response! I had countered her difficult question by mentioning a mistake I had corrected already, I had indicated that I was happy about my current situation and I had brought up this dangerous subject without using a word that has "sex" in it.
Well yes, she had noticed something about me, but personally she wasn't bothered by that. And she realized that someone who can handle such a dramatic change in life must have a strong personality.
"I think it is very brave to take a step like that."
"That is what many people say, but for me there was no other option. I think this should be your only option, otherwise you shouldn't do this."
"You make a good impression, don't you? Your voice sounds well, I think that must be very difficult."
"Yes, I have been doing speech therapy for a year now..."
"So how does such a transition work?"
"Actually you shouldn't ask me about that; I did almost everything wrong."
She liked my outfit too:
"What a nice skirt; elegant!"
"Thank you! Yes we bought it at the most classy department store in town..."
Our conversation ended in a very pleasant atmosphere. Now we will have to wait and see whether I will be invited for a second interview.
But even if there won't be a second interview, I have already gained a lot with this action: It has increased my self-confidence. Even in my current job this can be useful: I have learned I am not as dependent on my current employer as I thought: If they give me too hard a time, I can simply take another job. In other words I don't have to let them sit on me!
So I decided to try my luck. I sent my resume to an interesting company and I was invited for an interview. And today was the big day: My first job interview as a woman. I was not too nervous, less nervous than I used to be for job interviews in the past really, because I feel more happy with myself now.
The receptionist reacted very normally, as if there was nothing special to see about me and in the interview with the recruiter (a woman fortunately) the subject of transsexuality wasn't discussed at all initially. She talked about the history of the company and about the kind of work they are doing. And I spoke about my technical, process-oriented and management experiences.
But an interview like this always moves on the a more personal level at one point or another. She asked me: "Is there anything in your life you would do differently if you got a chance to do it all over again?" That is of course a very smart question to find out about the weak spots of a candidate.
I thought this was a good opportunity to bring the subject of my gender dysphoria into the discussion, so I replied: "Yes, you have no doubt noticed something special about me: I have changed from living as a man to living as a woman. I should have done that much earlier." A very clever response! I had countered her difficult question by mentioning a mistake I had corrected already, I had indicated that I was happy about my current situation and I had brought up this dangerous subject without using a word that has "sex" in it.
Well yes, she had noticed something about me, but personally she wasn't bothered by that. And she realized that someone who can handle such a dramatic change in life must have a strong personality.
"I think it is very brave to take a step like that."
"That is what many people say, but for me there was no other option. I think this should be your only option, otherwise you shouldn't do this."
"You make a good impression, don't you? Your voice sounds well, I think that must be very difficult."
"Yes, I have been doing speech therapy for a year now..."
"So how does such a transition work?"
"Actually you shouldn't ask me about that; I did almost everything wrong."
She liked my outfit too:
"What a nice skirt; elegant!"
"Thank you! Yes we bought it at the most classy department store in town..."
Our conversation ended in a very pleasant atmosphere. Now we will have to wait and see whether I will be invited for a second interview.
But even if there won't be a second interview, I have already gained a lot with this action: It has increased my self-confidence. Even in my current job this can be useful: I have learned I am not as dependent on my current employer as I thought: If they give me too hard a time, I can simply take another job. In other words I don't have to let them sit on me!
2005-09-10
Treibgut
We had bad weather on Saturday evening. Every now and then it rained and in the distance we heard the rumbling of heavy thunderstorms all evening. That was not very convenient, because we had planned to go and see a theatre performance in the open air on the Philips High Tech Campus.
Water breathes, water lives, water trembles. Water reacts, stimulates and takes revenge ... The dramatic events involving flooding disasters all around the world were the inspiration for the theatre production 'Treibgut' by the German theatre group Titanick. Last year this performance attracted an audience of 12,000 spectators in Munster (Germany) and got a very enthusiastic reception. After 'Onno', 'Titanic', 'Picnic' and 'Malaya', 'Treibgut' is the fifth spectacular opening event of the theatre season organized by the Eindhoven City Theatre.
Flood catastrophe 'Treibgut' is about the way people deal with a flooding. How they are faced again and again with the enormous forces of nature. 'Treibgut' show the relationship between man and nature, between civilization and chaos. But it also reminds us of the suffering of the tsunami victims in Asia in 2004.
All spectators had to assemble at 'The Strip', that is the new building with
restaurants, shops and meeting-rooms that has been built along the large pond. There were very many spectators! They queued up on the quay between the strip and the pond, but the queue was not moving at all!
We had a good time anyway, because a small band was playing groovy music. And it turned out my umbrella was also very suitable to use as a baton for a little twirling (even synchronously with my brother-in-law for a moment).
After we had been waiting for half an hour, it was announced that the gate wouldn't be opened before 9:30, because another thunderstorm was expected first. So we decided to go sit inside one of the restaurants for a while. Everything looks so beautiful on the campus. It was very nice to be able to show that to my family for the first time.
When we were finally seated on the gallery to watch the play it became even more clear how many spectators there were. It took more than 40 minutes before everybody was seated. The play had already started: Strong men and women were carrying sandbags to re-enforce the dike.
When everybody had found a place to sit, a large shower was switched on. Just in front of the front row of seats, water kept coming down over the full width of the gallery. This formed a gigantic curtain of rain and there, exactly under this monstrously cold shower, the players were handing over sandbags to each other in a rhythmic way. It was beautiful to watch, but it must have been quite heavy for the players!
The players were wet already, so a little rain shower wouldn't bother them any more, but for the audience it was different. We were promised there wouldn't be any heavy thunderstorm, but a little shower was certainly possible. And we also got a little wet from some stray water from the rain curtain in front of us.
The thunderstorms in the distance were really a beautiful scenery for this play. It matched the atmosphere very well. After a concert by Neptune's nymphs, we saw the 'Treibgut' (floating objects) come into sight. Part of a house, half a camper van, a bathroom... All leftovers that had once been part of a city. And on each piece of Treibgut we saw one or more survivors of the disaster. At first they were very sad, but we saw them regain their strength and their will to go on with their lives.
We didn't get to see any more. The meteorological agency had warned that another heavy thunderstorm was heading our way and that might be dangerous, so the performance had to be stopped.
For a moment I was afraid people would panic, but that didn't happen. The audience left the gallery in a peaceful, orderly way. So that was all. We hadn't seen more than half an hour of the performance. What a disappointment!!!
Water breathes, water lives, water trembles. Water reacts, stimulates and takes revenge ... The dramatic events involving flooding disasters all around the world were the inspiration for the theatre production 'Treibgut' by the German theatre group Titanick. Last year this performance attracted an audience of 12,000 spectators in Munster (Germany) and got a very enthusiastic reception. After 'Onno', 'Titanic', 'Picnic' and 'Malaya', 'Treibgut' is the fifth spectacular opening event of the theatre season organized by the Eindhoven City Theatre.
Flood catastrophe 'Treibgut' is about the way people deal with a flooding. How they are faced again and again with the enormous forces of nature. 'Treibgut' show the relationship between man and nature, between civilization and chaos. But it also reminds us of the suffering of the tsunami victims in Asia in 2004.
All spectators had to assemble at 'The Strip', that is the new building with
restaurants, shops and meeting-rooms that has been built along the large pond. There were very many spectators! They queued up on the quay between the strip and the pond, but the queue was not moving at all!
We had a good time anyway, because a small band was playing groovy music. And it turned out my umbrella was also very suitable to use as a baton for a little twirling (even synchronously with my brother-in-law for a moment).
After we had been waiting for half an hour, it was announced that the gate wouldn't be opened before 9:30, because another thunderstorm was expected first. So we decided to go sit inside one of the restaurants for a while. Everything looks so beautiful on the campus. It was very nice to be able to show that to my family for the first time.
When we were finally seated on the gallery to watch the play it became even more clear how many spectators there were. It took more than 40 minutes before everybody was seated. The play had already started: Strong men and women were carrying sandbags to re-enforce the dike.
When everybody had found a place to sit, a large shower was switched on. Just in front of the front row of seats, water kept coming down over the full width of the gallery. This formed a gigantic curtain of rain and there, exactly under this monstrously cold shower, the players were handing over sandbags to each other in a rhythmic way. It was beautiful to watch, but it must have been quite heavy for the players!
The players were wet already, so a little rain shower wouldn't bother them any more, but for the audience it was different. We were promised there wouldn't be any heavy thunderstorm, but a little shower was certainly possible. And we also got a little wet from some stray water from the rain curtain in front of us.
The thunderstorms in the distance were really a beautiful scenery for this play. It matched the atmosphere very well. After a concert by Neptune's nymphs, we saw the 'Treibgut' (floating objects) come into sight. Part of a house, half a camper van, a bathroom... All leftovers that had once been part of a city. And on each piece of Treibgut we saw one or more survivors of the disaster. At first they were very sad, but we saw them regain their strength and their will to go on with their lives.
We didn't get to see any more. The meteorological agency had warned that another heavy thunderstorm was heading our way and that might be dangerous, so the performance had to be stopped.
For a moment I was afraid people would panic, but that didn't happen. The audience left the gallery in a peaceful, orderly way. So that was all. We hadn't seen more than half an hour of the performance. What a disappointment!!!
2005-09-06
Eyebrows
Today I went to my beautician for the second time. I asked her to reshape my eyebrows a little further in a feminine way. That turned out to be quite heavy! She worked on them for at least 45 minutes. And this time it did hurt. But the result is very nice, another great improvement!
The rest of the treatment was a lot less exiting than last time, because I knew what was going to happen now. Actually that is a pity, because I do like some excitement...
But still it is very nice to relax and undergo the treatment. I was a little surprised she took all this time for me after all the work she had done on my eyebrows already. Yes, I think Jolanda is a very good beautician. But I have never been to any other beautician, so I cannot really compare her to others. Soon Julia will go to Jolanda as well. I am very curious what Julia will say about her. She does have experience with others...
The rest of the treatment was a lot less exiting than last time, because I knew what was going to happen now. Actually that is a pity, because I do like some excitement...
But still it is very nice to relax and undergo the treatment. I was a little surprised she took all this time for me after all the work she had done on my eyebrows already. Yes, I think Jolanda is a very good beautician. But I have never been to any other beautician, so I cannot really compare her to others. Soon Julia will go to Jolanda as well. I am very curious what Julia will say about her. She does have experience with others...
2005-09-04
Twenty-First Column
Tonight my twenty-first column was broadcast in Gendertalk #526.
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/CLOTH11.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
Clothes DO make the man
When I decided to start living as a woman, it felt like a great liberation!
No more neck-ties, no more business suits. No boring shirts and long pants. No more lace-up shoes...
Grow my hair and die it, grow my nails and polish them...
At last my legs would be free to move under a skirt, I would be allowed to wear earrings and high heels...
But being a woman does not mean anything goes. "Look at women of your age", my friends told me: "You should dress like them..."
And it does matter for which occasion they dress as well. They will dress differently in the shopping-mall, for a party or to go to work.
On top of that I hardly ever meet women in the workplace. It is a real man's world there. So I didn't have any good examples.
Only now it becomes clear how disturbed some people must have felt. Of course nobody honestly spoke about this. So lately I heard about an incident that happened a year ago for the first time. I have long forgotten what I was wearing on that particular day, but it turns out my navel was visible.
OMG, what a disaster! No wonder people felt disturbed!
Of course this is all nonsense. What should matter is not the way you look, but the way you do your job. You know that, I know that, everybody knows that. But still it does not work that way.
Clothes DO make the man. And women are even more judged by their looks than men are, not to mention transsexual women. It was becoming more and more evident that I needed a change of style. But I didn't really have the right clothing...
So last week we went shopping for some new outfits. Money was not that important this time, we just went for the best quality. Ooooww, isn't it great? We went to the most classy department store in town and asked a saleslady for advice. And she helped us sort it all out. I spent the next two hours in the fitting booth, trying on one garment after another and showing the result to Julia and the saleslady until we had chosen three skirts, seven tops and a jacket.
I enjoyed every minute of it!
Now I should be ready to get work at my level of knowledge and experience again...
You can find the complete program in the Gendertalk archive.
Or you can find just my column at:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/CLOTH11.mp3
A full transcript of the text is below:
When I decided to start living as a woman, it felt like a great liberation!
No more neck-ties, no more business suits. No boring shirts and long pants. No more lace-up shoes...
Grow my hair and die it, grow my nails and polish them...
At last my legs would be free to move under a skirt, I would be allowed to wear earrings and high heels...
But being a woman does not mean anything goes. "Look at women of your age", my friends told me: "You should dress like them..."
And it does matter for which occasion they dress as well. They will dress differently in the shopping-mall, for a party or to go to work.
On top of that I hardly ever meet women in the workplace. It is a real man's world there. So I didn't have any good examples.
Only now it becomes clear how disturbed some people must have felt. Of course nobody honestly spoke about this. So lately I heard about an incident that happened a year ago for the first time. I have long forgotten what I was wearing on that particular day, but it turns out my navel was visible.
OMG, what a disaster! No wonder people felt disturbed!
Of course this is all nonsense. What should matter is not the way you look, but the way you do your job. You know that, I know that, everybody knows that. But still it does not work that way.
Clothes DO make the man. And women are even more judged by their looks than men are, not to mention transsexual women. It was becoming more and more evident that I needed a change of style. But I didn't really have the right clothing...
So last week we went shopping for some new outfits. Money was not that important this time, we just went for the best quality. Ooooww, isn't it great? We went to the most classy department store in town and asked a saleslady for advice. And she helped us sort it all out. I spent the next two hours in the fitting booth, trying on one garment after another and showing the result to Julia and the saleslady until we had chosen three skirts, seven tops and a jacket.
I enjoyed every minute of it!
Now I should be ready to get work at my level of knowledge and experience again...
2005-09-03
Ice Tea & Tea
Last month I didn't write a report on the T&T evening, because I wasn't there. I was at the Gay Pride Parade instead.
But this month I was there again. And again it was my turn to work at the bar. This work starts at 7 PM with moving the tables, checking the stocks, preparing the rinsing-tub and the beer-pump and things like that.
When I enter I start with the most unpleasant work. That is carrying those heavy tables into another room and getting the tables we use from the second floor. I wasn't really surprised my colleague didn't show up very early, but when it was nearly 8 o'clock I asked Yvon, our hostess, whether Josje was expected to come at all...
"No, she called in sick. Jun will replace her..."
Yes, for Jun it is a two hour drive to Eindhoven, so that explains why she couldn't be here any sooner than 8 PM and she would be leaving at 2 AM already. It is a good thing she wanted to help out anyway. And Jun is a hard worker, it is nice to co-operate with her.
On the T&T-evenings you can see the whole spectrum of the T-community. This month was no exception. We saw a woman sitting at the bar by herself and we wondered where her husband might be. Maybe he was in the make-up room? Julia started a chat with her and then it became clear: She was a transsexual herself. Well, neither Julia nor me had seen or heard that, even though we are quite experienced in spotting trannies and even though we should have expected to see transsexuals on a T&T-evening. What a successful transition, great!
At the other end of the spectrum we met a Belgian couple. It was their first time on a T&T-meeting. As usual, Yvon took them along for an elaborate introduction talk. After that he went into the dressing room and emerged again in a transformed state. He was dressed in a mini skirt with panther print and a female blouse and he was wearing large earrings. He didn't have a wig yet and he also kept on his heavy, black, very male-looking glasses (Woody Allen type). This is not an outfit to go outside in, but on a T&T-evening something like this is not a problem at all. They both enjoyed the evening very much and they will certainly be back next month.
As a barmaid you get to speak with all the guests on such an evening, but of course there is no room for profound conversations. Only with my colleague Jun I could have a more elaborate talk. She told me she had visited a get-together of trannies in England. She was amazed at how many transvestites were assembled there on a short notice. She thinks this would not have been possible in the Netherlands. There are so many transvestites in our country who would never dare to go outside while 'dressed'!
If you look at the orders people place, you can see there are groups of people who stick together all evening. Three times I got an order for 3 Ice-tea, 1 coke, 1 cola light en 1 'flat water' (that is the way Belgians refer to non-carbonated mineral water. Carbonated water is called 'fizzing water' in Belgium). But these groups are open to accept new people. I noticed when the next order was for 3 Ice-tea, 1 coke, 1 cola light, 1 'flat water', 1 orange juice and 1 Moreeke beer. Apparently two new people had joined the group.
As I said Jun is a hard worker. When people paced a large order with me, she spontaneously helped me to complete the order as quickly as possible. When I got an order for 3 tea, 1 coke, 1 cola light, 1 'flat water', 1 Moreeke beer and 1 coffee, she brought three tea cups with hot water. The mistake only became clear when I held open the box with tea-bags for the guests to pick their tea: They wanted Ice-tea again, not normal tea
Ice-tea is getting more and more popular on the T&T-evenings. This time we sold more than 80 cans of it. But we only have six special Ice-tea glasses. So we always have to improvise. This time we even served Ice-tea in Moreeke beer glasses. (Tip: Don't add more than one ice-cube, otherwise it won't fit )
Previous T&T-evenings: July, June, May, April, March, February, January, December, November, October, September, August, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.
But this month I was there again. And again it was my turn to work at the bar. This work starts at 7 PM with moving the tables, checking the stocks, preparing the rinsing-tub and the beer-pump and things like that.
When I enter I start with the most unpleasant work. That is carrying those heavy tables into another room and getting the tables we use from the second floor. I wasn't really surprised my colleague didn't show up very early, but when it was nearly 8 o'clock I asked Yvon, our hostess, whether Josje was expected to come at all...
"No, she called in sick. Jun will replace her..."
Yes, for Jun it is a two hour drive to Eindhoven, so that explains why she couldn't be here any sooner than 8 PM and she would be leaving at 2 AM already. It is a good thing she wanted to help out anyway. And Jun is a hard worker, it is nice to co-operate with her.
On the T&T-evenings you can see the whole spectrum of the T-community. This month was no exception. We saw a woman sitting at the bar by herself and we wondered where her husband might be. Maybe he was in the make-up room? Julia started a chat with her and then it became clear: She was a transsexual herself. Well, neither Julia nor me had seen or heard that, even though we are quite experienced in spotting trannies and even though we should have expected to see transsexuals on a T&T-evening. What a successful transition, great!
At the other end of the spectrum we met a Belgian couple. It was their first time on a T&T-meeting. As usual, Yvon took them along for an elaborate introduction talk. After that he went into the dressing room and emerged again in a transformed state. He was dressed in a mini skirt with panther print and a female blouse and he was wearing large earrings. He didn't have a wig yet and he also kept on his heavy, black, very male-looking glasses (Woody Allen type
). This is not an outfit to go outside in, but on a T&T-evening something like this is not a problem at all. They both enjoyed the evening very much and they will certainly be back next month.As a barmaid you get to speak with all the guests on such an evening, but of course there is no room for profound conversations. Only with my colleague Jun I could have a more elaborate talk. She told me she had visited a get-together of trannies in England. She was amazed at how many transvestites were assembled there on a short notice. She thinks this would not have been possible in the Netherlands. There are so many transvestites in our country who would never dare to go outside while 'dressed'!
If you look at the orders people place, you can see there are groups of people who stick together all evening. Three times I got an order for 3 Ice-tea, 1 coke, 1 cola light en 1 'flat water' (that is the way Belgians refer to non-carbonated mineral water. Carbonated water is called 'fizzing water' in Belgium). But these groups are open to accept new people. I noticed when the next order was for 3 Ice-tea, 1 coke, 1 cola light, 1 'flat water', 1 orange juice and 1 Moreeke beer. Apparently two new people had joined the group.
As I said Jun is a hard worker. When people paced a large order with me, she spontaneously helped me to complete the order as quickly as possible. When I got an order for 3 tea, 1 coke, 1 cola light, 1 'flat water', 1 Moreeke beer and 1 coffee, she brought three tea cups with hot water. The mistake only became clear when I held open the box with tea-bags for the guests to pick their tea: They wanted Ice-tea again, not normal tea
Ice-tea is getting more and more popular on the T&T-evenings. This time we sold more than 80 cans of it. But we only have six special Ice-tea glasses. So we always have to improvise. This time we even served Ice-tea in Moreeke beer glasses. (Tip: Don't add more than one ice-cube, otherwise it won't fit
)Previous T&T-evenings: July, June, May, April, March, February, January, December, November, October, September, August, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004 and April 2004.
© 1985-2006 E.G. Snel
