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2005-04-30
Buying clothes
Today we went to a classy department store to buy Julia a new outfit. She has been trying on clothes for more than an hour and I brought her one garment after another. Skirts, blouses, bras... I feel completely at ease in the women's department nowadays. That is so different from how it used to be!
I also had some time left to browse for clothes that might look nice on me and for chatting with the salesgirls. We saw a very nice orange skirt made of three layers of satin for $200. There was also a matching top for another $200. "Well, that would be a nice outfit for today for only $400", said the salesgirl jokingly. After all it was Queen's Day and orange is the color of our royal family....
I also had some time left to browse for clothes that might look nice on me and for chatting with the salesgirls. We saw a very nice orange skirt made of three layers of satin for $200. There was also a matching top for another $200. "Well, that would be a nice outfit for today for only $400", said the salesgirl jokingly. After all it was Queen's Day and orange is the color of our royal family....
2005-04-27
Assertive
My colleague H addressed me with my former, male name. I was started and so was another colleague, M. M and I exchanged a glance.
"How can he do a thing like this?" my eyes asked.
"You have to correct him, right now!" said M's eyes.
But I didn't say a word and the conversation went on.
I looked at M again.
My eyes said: "It is too late to correct him now."
"You're being spineless", said M's eyes.
Then, fortunately, H used my old name again. And I immediately corrected him. I want to be addressed as "Evelien". It is a good thing he did it again, because now I was able to make up for my failure to react at once. If I hadn't done this, this incident could have bothered me for a long time. That is the way it goes if one is not assertive enough!
"How can he do a thing like this?" my eyes asked.
"You have to correct him, right now!" said M's eyes.
But I didn't say a word and the conversation went on.
I looked at M again.
My eyes said: "It is too late to correct him now."
"You're being spineless", said M's eyes.
Then, fortunately, H used my old name again. And I immediately corrected him. I want to be addressed as "Evelien". It is a good thing he did it again, because now I was able to make up for my failure to react at once. If I hadn't done this, this incident could have bothered me for a long time. That is the way it goes if one is not assertive enough!
2005-04-24
Sunday in Turnhout
No, not "Dimanche a Bruxelles"! We didn't stay in Brussels for long. First we slept in and then we had a quick breakfast, loaded our stuff into the car and checked out. The lady at the reception desk asked the question that must have been on the lips of all personnel in the hotel: "Are you a man or a woman?" Well, if that question is asked in a polite way, I see no reason to deny her an explanation. She was curious whether I would have to pay for my operation myself. She would have liked to have a breast augmentation herself, but the costs were a problem. In my case the cost will be refunded by the health insurance company. Unless of course the VU in Amsterdam will manage to delay my operation that much that it will be excluded from reimbursement before it is finally my turn...
We had planned to finish our stay in Brussels with a visit to the Atomium. But alas! From a long way away the Atomium didn't look like it is supposed to look already. Some of the spheres were shiny, other were dull and yet others were translucent! That is not normal, is it?
The Atomium is closed for a restoration! We could not go in!
That is not a great ending of our short holiday, so we decide to go and have a look in Turnhout instead. And that turned out to be a real treat. Look at the beautiful railway station in Turnhout! And there was something special happening inside the railway station as well...
Fortunately there were no cars parked in front of the station. The sign on the right says parking is prohibited. And if you stop there to take someone to the train, the little sign below tells you to "Kiss once and then move on"!
Inside the station we found a train with ancient carriages.
But it became really interesting when we had walked to the far end of the train and we found a real steam engine that was being prepared for pulling this train!
Couple the engine to the train, steam up the kettle and go!!!
This was a very nice ending of a long weekend, that felt like a complete vacation to me. Great! It must have been five years ago that I had a real vacation!
By the way, it is a good thing this holiday was only for three days, because I am running terribly behind with my weblog. I want to start writing short entries again that pertain to the things that move me when they happen! But I felt I did have to write this elaborate report of our trip to Belgium for you!
We had planned to finish our stay in Brussels with a visit to the Atomium. But alas! From a long way away the Atomium didn't look like it is supposed to look already. Some of the spheres were shiny, other were dull and yet others were translucent! That is not normal, is it?
The Atomium is closed for a restoration! We could not go in!
That is not a great ending of our short holiday, so we decide to go and have a look in Turnhout instead. And that turned out to be a real treat. Look at the beautiful railway station in Turnhout! And there was something special happening inside the railway station as well...Fortunately there were no cars parked in front of the station. The sign on the right says parking is prohibited. And if you stop there to take someone to the train, the little sign below tells you to "Kiss once and then move on"!Inside the station we found a train with ancient carriages.
But it became really interesting when we had walked to the far end of the train and we found a real steam engine that was being prepared for pulling this train!Couple the engine to the train, steam up the kettle and go!!!This was a very nice ending of a long weekend, that felt like a complete vacation to me. Great! It must have been five years ago that I had a real vacation!
By the way, it is a good thing this holiday was only for three days, because I am running terribly behind with my weblog. I want to start writing short entries again that pertain to the things that move me when they happen! But I felt I did have to write this elaborate report of our trip to Belgium for you!
Labels: trains
2005-04-23
Samedi a Bruxelles
First I had to go shopping for contact lens liquid. Fortunately we found an optometrist very close to the hotel. And although my French is not good enough to understand the finer details of French language literature, it certainly was enough to get me what I needed. I carefully unpacked the lenses. They were sticking to the plastic bag a little, but at least they were still wet, so that was good sign. I first put them in the liquid for a few hours to recover from the way I had abused them.
We had planned to do two city walks today, but first we wanted to go to the 'Grote Markt' (Big Marketplace), that is a must-see in Brussels, so we went looking for it. When we were almost there we took a coffee and a 'Gaufre' at the restaurant 'De Platte Steen'. Out there on the terrace I inserted the lenses into my eyes again.
The 'Grote Markt' is impressive indeed. It is completely surrounded by beautiful, interesting buildings and each building has a story of its own. Unfortunately even here I had a problem I had all over Brussels: The buildings are too large for the streets where they are situated. It is impossible to take a good picture of them, even when using a wide-angle objective.
The history of this marketplace goes back to the 12th century. It was in those days that the market grew into a square around which the Brussels gildes built their houses. The current view however mainly consists of 'new' buildings, that were built after the bombardment by the French marshall De Villeroy who in 1695 demolished all of the inner city of Brussels in two days. The 'Grote Markt' was completely destroyed except for the city hall tower.
But I was a sight to see myself too. Suddenly a waggish guy came out of the crowd and started to do a little dance around me! His friends also enjoyed my appearance very much
He even sang a little song while doing his dance, that sounded something like "Koi Boy" or something like that. Maybe he meant Kathoy? It is no shame to be compared to those. Look at Nong Tum (Thailand) for instance. She is not only a beautiful woman, but also someone you shouldn't insult, unless you are prepared to defend yourself in a heavy game of kick boxing!
We had something else to do, because we wanted to start walking our city routes. We started with a route entitled 'The center of Brussels'. It does not start on the marketplace, but we just picked up on it somewhere halfway the description.
We left the market through the Charles Buls street, left of the city hall. Swimming against the stream of tourists we were trying to reach another famous sight: 'Manneken Pis'.
Before we reached the 'Manneken', we were touched by the sight of a statue by the side of the road. I was examining it closely -- "These gloves look like the real thing" -- when it suddenly started to move! It wanted to have its picture taken, together with Julia and with me. So we let the statue have its way and Julia made the one and only picture on this film that shows me!
After that we continued our search for the 'Manneken'. We found it on the corner of a street, surrounded by dozens of tourists. It is a tiny statue indeed, but fortunately it is placed quite high above the ground, which makes it easy to look at over the heads of all the tourists. Good, another point to tick on our 'to do'-list...
On any walk through the city center you will pass 'De Zuidstraat' ("South Street"), which is called 'Rue du Midi' ("Middle Street") by the French-speaking people. This was the first connecting street between the North Station and the South Station (The latter is called Middle Station by the French). The travelers had to pass this street on foot if they wanted to continue their trip on the other side of the city. Nowadays there is a subway connecting both stations. South Street is very boring unless you are a collector of stamps or coins.
Through South Street we reached the 'Beurs' (Stock Exchange). This is another building that is too large for a nice picture. In the streets on both sides of the 'Beurs' are cafés that have a very impressive architecture on the inside according to our route description. We didn't enter those, because we were not thirsty.
We continued our walk in the direction of St. Nicholas Church. On the side of the street opposite to the church some nice little alleys can be found, which demonstrate the ways people tried to create as much space as possible for building houses. At the end of these alleys you can often find nice cafés as well.
Through the 'Grasmarkt' (Grass Market) en de 'Greepstraat' (Grip Street) we reached the 'Beenhouwersstraat' (Butcher's Street). The sight we saw there was truly amazing: The whole street look like one giant restaurant. The porches from both sides of the street nearly touch each other in the middle, all the terraces are side by side and they are heated so there is a nice temperature throughout the street. At each terrace there was a waiter politely inviting us to come and sit on his terrace.
After this we passed through several ancient shopping malls and we finally reached Agora Square. In the middle of the square is a fountain with a statue in honor of Charles Buls, burgomaster of Brussels at the end of the 19th century.
Apparently Charles had gotten bored by standing on his pedestal, so he was sitting down on the rim of the fountain, comfortably relaxing amidst the tourists.
From Agora Square you can get back to the Big Marketplace through 'Heuvelstraat' (Hill Street) again, but we had been there already, so we chose another direction. We went to 'Het Oude Koetshuis' (The Old Coach-house), a triangular square from which coaches to other mayor cities used to depart. We were now on the route "All the colors of the comic book", which takes you along many of the wall paintings in comic book style throughout the center of Brussels.
We were now passing through streets we had walked before, when we were looking for the marketplace, but now that we were not in a rush and we were following a route description, we saw many things we had missed the first time.
On the right you see another one of these comic book walls. In these case you need to look closely, because the painting almost blends in with the real houses in the street!
Finally we were exhausted from two city walks on the same day. We were very glad to find another stop of streetcar 92 and we let it take us back to the hotel in a comfortable way...
We had planned to do two city walks today, but first we wanted to go to the 'Grote Markt' (Big Marketplace), that is a must-see in Brussels, so we went looking for it. When we were almost there we took a coffee and a 'Gaufre' at the restaurant 'De Platte Steen'. Out there on the terrace I inserted the lenses into my eyes again.
The 'Grote Markt' is impressive indeed. It is completely surrounded by beautiful, interesting buildings and each building has a story of its own. Unfortunately even here I had a problem I had all over Brussels: The buildings are too large for the streets where they are situated. It is impossible to take a good picture of them, even when using a wide-angle objective.The history of this marketplace goes back to the 12th century. It was in those days that the market grew into a square around which the Brussels gildes built their houses. The current view however mainly consists of 'new' buildings, that were built after the bombardment by the French marshall De Villeroy who in 1695 demolished all of the inner city of Brussels in two days. The 'Grote Markt' was completely destroyed except for the city hall tower.
But I was a sight to see myself too. Suddenly a waggish guy came out of the crowd and started to do a little dance around me! His friends also enjoyed my appearance very much
He even sang a little song while doing his dance, that sounded something like "Koi Boy" or something like that. Maybe he meant Kathoy? It is no shame to be compared to those. Look at Nong Tum (Thailand) for instance. She is not only a beautiful woman, but also someone you shouldn't insult, unless you are prepared to defend yourself in a heavy game of kick boxing!We had something else to do, because we wanted to start walking our city routes. We started with a route entitled 'The center of Brussels'. It does not start on the marketplace, but we just picked up on it somewhere halfway the description.
We left the market through the Charles Buls street, left of the city hall. Swimming against the stream of tourists we were trying to reach another famous sight: 'Manneken Pis'.
Before we reached the 'Manneken', we were touched by the sight of a statue by the side of the road. I was examining it closely -- "These gloves look like the real thing" -- when it suddenly started to move! It wanted to have its picture taken, together with Julia and with me. So we let the statue have its way and Julia made the one and only picture on this film that shows me!After that we continued our search for the 'Manneken'. We found it on the corner of a street, surrounded by dozens of tourists. It is a tiny statue indeed, but fortunately it is placed quite high above the ground, which makes it easy to look at over the heads of all the tourists. Good, another point to tick on our 'to do'-list...On any walk through the city center you will pass 'De Zuidstraat' ("South Street"), which is called 'Rue du Midi' ("Middle Street") by the French-speaking people. This was the first connecting street between the North Station and the South Station (The latter is called Middle Station by the French). The travelers had to pass this street on foot if they wanted to continue their trip on the other side of the city. Nowadays there is a subway connecting both stations. South Street is very boring unless you are a collector of stamps or coins.
Through South Street we reached the 'Beurs' (Stock Exchange). This is another building that is too large for a nice picture. In the streets on both sides of the 'Beurs' are cafés that have a very impressive architecture on the inside according to our route description. We didn't enter those, because we were not thirsty.
We continued our walk in the direction of St. Nicholas Church. On the side of the street opposite to the church some nice little alleys can be found, which demonstrate the ways people tried to create as much space as possible for building houses. At the end of these alleys you can often find nice cafés as well.
Through the 'Grasmarkt' (Grass Market) en de 'Greepstraat' (Grip Street) we reached the 'Beenhouwersstraat' (Butcher's Street). The sight we saw there was truly amazing: The whole street look like one giant restaurant. The porches from both sides of the street nearly touch each other in the middle, all the terraces are side by side and they are heated so there is a nice temperature throughout the street. At each terrace there was a waiter politely inviting us to come and sit on his terrace.
After this we passed through several ancient shopping malls and we finally reached Agora Square. In the middle of the square is a fountain with a statue in honor of Charles Buls, burgomaster of Brussels at the end of the 19th century.Apparently Charles had gotten bored by standing on his pedestal, so he was sitting down on the rim of the fountain, comfortably relaxing amidst the tourists.
From Agora Square you can get back to the Big Marketplace through 'Heuvelstraat' (Hill Street) again, but we had been there already, so we chose another direction. We went to 'Het Oude Koetshuis' (The Old Coach-house), a triangular square from which coaches to other mayor cities used to depart. We were now on the route "All the colors of the comic book", which takes you along many of the wall paintings in comic book style throughout the center of Brussels.We were now passing through streets we had walked before, when we were looking for the marketplace, but now that we were not in a rush and we were following a route description, we saw many things we had missed the first time.
On the right you see another one of these comic book walls. In these case you need to look closely, because the painting almost blends in with the real houses in the street!Finally we were exhausted from two city walks on the same day. We were very glad to find another stop of streetcar 92 and we let it take us back to the hotel in a comfortable way...
2005-04-22
Vendredi a Bruxelles
On Friday morning we departed to Brussels and we arrived there before noon. They say traffic in Paris is a chaos, but in Brussels it is similar. And yet people are very polite in traffic. Pedestrians are given a free passage at every crossing and when I almost lost my way and ended up in a strange way on the middle of a busy square, people patiently made room for me to allow me back into the traffic stream.
My female appearance was also accepted very nicely. It was 'madame' here and 'madame' there, nobody made a fuss about it.
In Brussels many nice walks can be made. Many route descriptions are available on this Dutch language site. Unfortunately no English translation is available. Walking without a route description is of course possible, but you'll miss a lot of the sights worth seeing.
The first route we did happened to start at the subway station Louiza, which was one of the stops of 'our' streetcar 92.
The route started with some art down in the subway station itself, so we descended into the station to have a look at these wall tapestries. After that we followed the route step by step. Along Waterloo Avenue we admired some very posh shops.
There was one shop that had devoted an entire display-window to one single shoe. Of course the price of that shoe was enough to pay for the window. Another shop had a real door-men to let the customers in. We didn't enter any of these shops.
After passing the Hilton hotel we turned left through a monumental gateway. We passed through a cobble-stoned little street with restaurated 19th century coach-houses on the right side and reached a little park: Egmontpark. In spite of the many signs that forbade this, the lawns were full of young people enjoying the beautiful weather.
We left the park through the Marguerite Yourcenarpassage. There were some texts from the work of this Belgian author carved into the walls, but unfortunately these were too difficult to really enjoy with my limited knowledge of the French language.
We then came into a neighborhood with many antiques and art shops and finally on the 'Grote Zavel'.
It was time for a little break, so we found a place on a terrace and ordered a white beer each. Wow! A white beer costs 4 Euros on the Grote Zavel! From the terrace we tried to locate the different shops that were in our route description.
After this expensive stop on the Grote Zavel we passed through some little streets and reached the 'Kleine Zavel'. We were truly amazed by what we saw there: There is a little park there all surrounded by a wrought iron fence with 48 statues on it, representing the craft-guilds of Brussels. In the middle of the city there is a beautifully laid-out garden here. In the center are the statues of Egmont and Hoorn, symbols of the struggle for liberation from the Spanish Inquisition.
Then the route went back to Waterloo Avenue near the subway station 'Naamsepoort'. Then we went for some shopping. In a shopping mall we were surprised by this androgynous showroom-dummy.
By now my feet were killing me. My new, fashionable white shoes were not made for walking for miles and miles. So we bought a pair of nice, pink sandals that went very well with my orange/pink outfit. And a pair of reading glasses, because my new contact lenses are very good for seeing the sights, but I cannot read a map when I'm wearing them.
We ended the afternoon with a beer and headed back to the hotel.
And then the problems with my contacts lenses really began. I had left our house enthusiastically wearing my lenses, but now that I wanted to take them out, I realized I didn't bring the case to put them in nor the liquid to clean them! The shops had already closed, so I could not but anything anymore. So I did the best I could and packed the lenses in plastic sheets I cut out of a garbage bag. I could not think of a better solution, so I just had to hope for the best...
My female appearance was also accepted very nicely. It was 'madame' here and 'madame' there, nobody made a fuss about it.
In Brussels many nice walks can be made. Many route descriptions are available on this Dutch language site. Unfortunately no English translation is available. Walking without a route description is of course possible, but you'll miss a lot of the sights worth seeing.The first route we did happened to start at the subway station Louiza, which was one of the stops of 'our' streetcar 92.
The route started with some art down in the subway station itself, so we descended into the station to have a look at these wall tapestries. After that we followed the route step by step. Along Waterloo Avenue we admired some very posh shops.
There was one shop that had devoted an entire display-window to one single shoe. Of course the price of that shoe was enough to pay for the window. Another shop had a real door-men to let the customers in. We didn't enter any of these shops.
After passing the Hilton hotel we turned left through a monumental gateway. We passed through a cobble-stoned little street with restaurated 19th century coach-houses on the right side and reached a little park: Egmontpark. In spite of the many signs that forbade this, the lawns were full of young people enjoying the beautiful weather.We left the park through the Marguerite Yourcenarpassage. There were some texts from the work of this Belgian author carved into the walls, but unfortunately these were too difficult to really enjoy with my limited knowledge of the French language.
We then came into a neighborhood with many antiques and art shops and finally on the 'Grote Zavel'.
It was time for a little break, so we found a place on a terrace and ordered a white beer each. Wow! A white beer costs 4 Euros on the Grote Zavel! From the terrace we tried to locate the different shops that were in our route description.
After this expensive stop on the Grote Zavel we passed through some little streets and reached the 'Kleine Zavel'. We were truly amazed by what we saw there: There is a little park there all surrounded by a wrought iron fence with 48 statues on it, representing the craft-guilds of Brussels. In the middle of the city there is a beautifully laid-out garden here. In the center are the statues of Egmont and Hoorn, symbols of the struggle for liberation from the Spanish Inquisition.Then the route went back to Waterloo Avenue near the subway station 'Naamsepoort'. Then we went for some shopping. In a shopping mall we were surprised by this androgynous showroom-dummy.By now my feet were killing me. My new, fashionable white shoes were not made for walking for miles and miles. So we bought a pair of nice, pink sandals that went very well with my orange/pink outfit. And a pair of reading glasses, because my new contact lenses are very good for seeing the sights, but I cannot read a map when I'm wearing them.
We ended the afternoon with a beer and headed back to the hotel.And then the problems with my contacts lenses really began. I had left our house enthusiastically wearing my lenses, but now that I wanted to take them out, I realized I didn't bring the case to put them in nor the liquid to clean them! The shops had already closed, so I could not but anything anymore. So I did the best I could and packed the lenses in plastic sheets I cut out of a garbage bag. I could not think of a better solution, so I just had to hope for the best...
2005-04-20
Mortgage
This week some idiot called me to try to talk me into a different mortgage. Of course I didn't fall for that. I hope we all know the slithery ways of these salesmen. The disadvantages of their 'beneficial' mortgage offering will only become clear when it is too late.
But he did address me as 'madam' all through the conversation. That is very positive. Apparently my speech therapy is beginning to have an effect!
But he did address me as 'madam' all through the conversation. That is very positive. Apparently my speech therapy is beginning to have an effect!
2005-04-17
Eleventh column
Fortunately the USA has switched to daylight saving time now, so I only needed to wait until 2 AM until Gendertalk started. I was of course very curious, because it was 'my turn' again: My eleventh column was about to be broadcast...
The complete program will be available in the Gendertalk archive next week.
If you want to hear only my most recent column, you can find it here:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/COMING33.mp3
A transcript of the text is below:
Coming out at work
I don't know whether there is a 'right' way to transition on the job, but I'm sure I did almost everything wrong. Please do not go in my footsteps.
It was the fourth of July 2002 when I first explained my situation to the company psychologist. Her reaction was a great relief for me. She said transitioning on the job was certainly possible. She said I should discuss my transition with my boss and she also insisted I should find medical help as soon as possible.
This was a real important first step in my coming out at work. I Felt on cloud nine all weekend!
But then on Monday I had an unfortunate encounter with our department manager. I had the feeling he was underestimating the capabilities of the people in his department and I asked a question about that in a meeting. Afterwards my boss said I 'put a foot in my mouth'. Of course that had not been my intention, but these things happen to me. When I disagree with things I keep my mouth shut for too long and then when I do speak up the words come out too violently...
And that evening I heard Virginia Stephenson in Gendertalk #367:
She transitioned in October 2001. Everything went great and she sort of dropped her guard. But then early in June, her boss came into her office and told her that "the transition wasn't working". "Your performance is outstanding", he said: "But we just don't want you here as a woman."
So there I was: I was already undervalued and misunderstood and now I was about to do something that even failed for admittedly outstanding employees! I got very worried and sent a question to Gendertalk about my transition and the possible impact on my career. I also thought I was beginning to see a pattern: Transitions that start out fine turn out nasty after a while...
But there was no way I could stop now, I needed to go on with my transition.
The normal way to announce your transition at work is to send an email or a memo to all your colleagues announcing your new name, a date of transition and at least some basic background information. I didn't do that. I just told them about my transition in some regular meetings. So there was not one clear moment of transition in my workplace. Not all my colleagues were informed at the same time and I was slowly drifting from a male to a female appearance.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
My question to Gendertalk was answered in program #389 on December 9th. 2002. Nancy had some good tips for me and those who come after me. For one thing: Your career is going to take hit, women earn less than men for the same work. Another important thing to note is that you should not remain in transition for too long. People expect you to act a clear gender role; either male or female, not inbetween!
A lot of things that were said in that program have turned out to be true. And I have also learned that the pattern I noticed does indeed exist. Many transitions start out smoothly. If people are supportive they will allow you a little leeway in the beginning. But after a while it will have to be 'business as usual'. And that is when people start wondering: "What is a woman doing in this position? Shouldn't she be demoted?"
Once people start to think about you that way, you will find out what it really is like to be treated as a woman at work...
The complete program will be available in the Gendertalk archive next week.
If you want to hear only my most recent column, you can find it here:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/COMING33.mp3
A transcript of the text is below:
I don't know whether there is a 'right' way to transition on the job, but I'm sure I did almost everything wrong. Please do not go in my footsteps.
It was the fourth of July 2002 when I first explained my situation to the company psychologist. Her reaction was a great relief for me. She said transitioning on the job was certainly possible. She said I should discuss my transition with my boss and she also insisted I should find medical help as soon as possible.
This was a real important first step in my coming out at work. I Felt on cloud nine all weekend!
But then on Monday I had an unfortunate encounter with our department manager. I had the feeling he was underestimating the capabilities of the people in his department and I asked a question about that in a meeting. Afterwards my boss said I 'put a foot in my mouth'. Of course that had not been my intention, but these things happen to me. When I disagree with things I keep my mouth shut for too long and then when I do speak up the words come out too violently...
And that evening I heard Virginia Stephenson in Gendertalk #367:
She transitioned in October 2001. Everything went great and she sort of dropped her guard. But then early in June, her boss came into her office and told her that "the transition wasn't working". "Your performance is outstanding", he said: "But we just don't want you here as a woman."
So there I was: I was already undervalued and misunderstood and now I was about to do something that even failed for admittedly outstanding employees! I got very worried and sent a question to Gendertalk about my transition and the possible impact on my career. I also thought I was beginning to see a pattern: Transitions that start out fine turn out nasty after a while...
But there was no way I could stop now, I needed to go on with my transition.
The normal way to announce your transition at work is to send an email or a memo to all your colleagues announcing your new name, a date of transition and at least some basic background information. I didn't do that. I just told them about my transition in some regular meetings. So there was not one clear moment of transition in my workplace. Not all my colleagues were informed at the same time and I was slowly drifting from a male to a female appearance.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
My question to Gendertalk was answered in program #389 on December 9th. 2002. Nancy had some good tips for me and those who come after me. For one thing: Your career is going to take hit, women earn less than men for the same work. Another important thing to note is that you should not remain in transition for too long. People expect you to act a clear gender role; either male or female, not inbetween!
A lot of things that were said in that program have turned out to be true. And I have also learned that the pattern I noticed does indeed exist. Many transitions start out smoothly. If people are supportive they will allow you a little leeway in the beginning. But after a while it will have to be 'business as usual'. And that is when people start wondering: "What is a woman doing in this position? Shouldn't she be demoted?"
Once people start to think about you that way, you will find out what it really is like to be treated as a woman at work...
2005-04-13
Boxes
Here you have it again: I was filling out a customer satisfaction questionnaire in our company restaurant. One of the questions was: What is your gender? [male] [female].
So I spontaneously said: "Here is that irrelevant question again!"
Whereupon a colleague, who still does not feel comfortable about my transition after more than two and a half years, said teasingly: "Don't tell me you think gender is irrelevant!"
No, of course, my gender identity is very important to me. But that does not mean it should be written down on so many documents! That is a nuisance if you do not feel comfortable with the box people have assigned to you.
And it can be very problematic for people who do not fit in one of those narrow boxes, as is the case with many people. Remember: There are intersexed people out there to! All their live they are being forced into either one box or the other!
For transsexual the same is true. Of course I can NOW fill in proudly I am a woman on whatever document they give me (well, almost...) But there was a time, before I came 'out of the closet', when I detested this question and I now have a permanent aversion against it.
Laying down people's gender on official documents has only disadvantages. Take gay marriage for example. If marriage had been defined as "a bond between two people" in the first place, there would not have to be any discussion about gay marriage. There would be nothing special about a marriage between two people of the same sex. Why was marriage defined as "a bond between a man and a woman" in the first place???
The definition of man and woman is vague. When is someone a woman?
And I can go on like this. The point is: It is a MISTAKE to try to divide people between two boxes. It is a mistake to put people in any number of boxes. Let's please stop doing that!
So I spontaneously said: "Here is that irrelevant question again!"
Whereupon a colleague, who still does not feel comfortable about my transition after more than two and a half years, said teasingly: "Don't tell me you think gender is irrelevant!"
No, of course, my gender identity is very important to me. But that does not mean it should be written down on so many documents! That is a nuisance if you do not feel comfortable with the box people have assigned to you.
And it can be very problematic for people who do not fit in one of those narrow boxes, as is the case with many people. Remember: There are intersexed people out there to! All their live they are being forced into either one box or the other!
For transsexual the same is true. Of course I can NOW fill in proudly I am a woman on whatever document they give me (well, almost...) But there was a time, before I came 'out of the closet', when I detested this question and I now have a permanent aversion against it.
Laying down people's gender on official documents has only disadvantages. Take gay marriage for example. If marriage had been defined as "a bond between two people" in the first place, there would not have to be any discussion about gay marriage. There would be nothing special about a marriage between two people of the same sex. Why was marriage defined as "a bond between a man and a woman" in the first place???
The definition of man and woman is vague. When is someone a woman?
- If she has XX-chromosomes? -- In that case transsexual women are not women!
- If she has a vagina? -- In that case a pre-op MtF is not a woman, but a post-op is!
- If she can have babies? -- In that case infertile women are not women! Nor are women after menopause!!
- If she falls for men? -- In that case lesbians are not women!
And I can go on like this. The point is: It is a MISTAKE to try to divide people between two boxes. It is a mistake to put people in any number of boxes. Let's please stop doing that!
2005-04-07
Puss-in-boots
2005-04-05
Transsexuals at Work
Tuesday was another busy day. I had to make a very early start at work to be able to leave again early enough to go to the transsexual support group at Humanitas. Of course I didn't get enough sleep -- again --, but I felt surprisingly fit.
There was still a lot of parking-space available, so I was in the spot nearest to the entrance! And then I was able to enjoy the sight of my colleagues arriving, one by one, with sleep in their eyes and in search of the coffee pot ...
Yes, let's be honest, I have a lot of problems at work nowadays, but I do have colleagues. Many transsexuals do not have a job, so they don't have colleagues either. They often end up living on social security benefits, which are now being demolished rapidly by our government.
It is very difficult to get a new job if you are a transsexual. It is even difficult to keep your current job. But in our support group we heard some good examples this time.
One of the group members was in a job that was about to end anyway, so she decided to try to find a job in her new female role. That would save her the problem of switching from male to female later. She did her best and she tried several different methods.
Method 1: When you apply for a job, mention in your letter that you are a transsexual. Result: Forget it! You will not be invited for any interview.
Method 2: Enlist yourself at contract staffing agencies. Result: They say they are working on your case, but nothing useful comes out.
Method 3: Write your letter as a normal woman and do not say a word about your transsexuality during the interview. Result: There was a very unpleasant atmosphere during the interview. The employer senses something is odd about you, but doesn't say it. As a result of that the interview is useless, no real conversation is possible.
Method 4: Write your letter as a normal woman, but mention your transsexuality right at the beginning of the interview (if at all possible without using the word 'transsexual', because people associate that with sex). Result: This method worked best. Especially if you apply directly to the company where you want to work, avoiding any contract staffing agency or other intermediate 'help'.
Another group member is planning to change sex 'on the job'. She is now preparing for that: She has suggested a very good idea to improve the efficiency in her workplace and she now wants to implement that idea herself.
Hopefully she will score recognition from the management and create her own job this way. If that has worked out, she wants to change sex. I think this is a very good plan, I think she has a fair chance this will be successful!
Her approach is much better than mine. I made a lot of mistakes in my coming out at work. "No, those weren't mistakes, you just handled it differently", said one of the group members. It is very sweet of her to say that, but I could have prepared my transition a lot better, that is a fact.
Oh yes, I did do my best to gain recognition from the management, but one way or the other I never seemed to able to do things right. They were never satisfied
.
But things can go even worse. There are also group members who get harassed by their colleagues. That does not happen in my workplace. Everybody is kind to me. Sometimes people even turn to me for help and advice when they have problems, because they expect me to be understanding and to keep their personal secrets to myself. And they are right about that!
We were supposed to talk about work in this session, but time and time again the subject drifted towards relationships and how difficult it must be for your spouse to be confronted with you transsexuality. So that will be our subject next time...
Last time I had given my URL (the address of my website) to the rest of the group and now I got a very nice reaction from a group member who is really very much on my wavelength. It often happens we spontaneously say the same things in the group.
Yet there are also very big differences between the two of us. She was lucky enough to transition at an early age and that is very visible. Or rather: It is not visible! I find it difficult to believe she ever was a 'man'...
There was still a lot of parking-space available, so I was in the spot nearest to the entrance! And then I was able to enjoy the sight of my colleagues arriving, one by one, with sleep in their eyes and in search of the coffee pot
...Yes, let's be honest, I have a lot of problems at work nowadays, but I do have colleagues. Many transsexuals do not have a job, so they don't have colleagues either. They often end up living on social security benefits, which are now being demolished rapidly by our government.
It is very difficult to get a new job if you are a transsexual. It is even difficult to keep your current job. But in our support group we heard some good examples this time.
One of the group members was in a job that was about to end anyway, so she decided to try to find a job in her new female role. That would save her the problem of switching from male to female later. She did her best and she tried several different methods.
Method 1: When you apply for a job, mention in your letter that you are a transsexual. Result: Forget it! You will not be invited for any interview.
Method 2: Enlist yourself at contract staffing agencies. Result: They say they are working on your case, but nothing useful comes out.
Method 3: Write your letter as a normal woman and do not say a word about your transsexuality during the interview. Result: There was a very unpleasant atmosphere during the interview. The employer senses something is odd about you, but doesn't say it. As a result of that the interview is useless, no real conversation is possible.
Method 4: Write your letter as a normal woman, but mention your transsexuality right at the beginning of the interview (if at all possible without using the word 'transsexual', because people associate that with sex). Result: This method worked best. Especially if you apply directly to the company where you want to work, avoiding any contract staffing agency or other intermediate 'help'.
Another group member is planning to change sex 'on the job'. She is now preparing for that: She has suggested a very good idea to improve the efficiency in her workplace and she now wants to implement that idea herself.
Hopefully she will score recognition from the management and create her own job this way. If that has worked out, she wants to change sex. I think this is a very good plan, I think she has a fair chance this will be successful!
Her approach is much better than mine. I made a lot of mistakes in my coming out at work. "No, those weren't mistakes, you just handled it differently", said one of the group members. It is very sweet of her to say that, but I could have prepared my transition a lot better, that is a fact.
Oh yes, I did do my best to gain recognition from the management, but one way or the other I never seemed to able to do things right. They were never satisfied
.But things can go even worse. There are also group members who get harassed by their colleagues. That does not happen in my workplace. Everybody is kind to me. Sometimes people even turn to me for help and advice when they have problems, because they expect me to be understanding and to keep their personal secrets to myself. And they are right about that!
We were supposed to talk about work in this session, but time and time again the subject drifted towards relationships and how difficult it must be for your spouse to be confronted with you transsexuality. So that will be our subject next time...
Last time I had given my URL (the address of my website) to the rest of the group and now I got a very nice reaction from a group member who is really very much on my wavelength. It often happens we spontaneously say the same things in the group.
Yet there are also very big differences between the two of us. She was lucky enough to transition at an early age and that is very visible. Or rather: It is not visible! I find it difficult to believe she ever was a 'man'...
2005-04-03
Tenth Column
When we came home from the T&T-evening, I was hoping to listen to Gendertalk at 2 AM, but unfortunately daylight saving time had not yet started in the USA. Therefore Gendertalk didn't start until 3 AM Dutch time !!
I did stay up and I did listen, but it is not very much fun to have to go so much trouble for that. I need my sleep! You don't have to do that, because the complete program is already available in the Gendertalk archive. If you go there, you'll also see that Gendertalk is featuring my columns now! They can all be found on their front page. I feel very honored!
If you want to hear only my most recent column, you can find it here:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/GOING32.mp3
A transcript of the text is below:
Going Full Time
It was October 2001 and I was moving into my new home. I would be living all by myself there. I was hoping to start living full-time as a woman from day #1. But that is easier said than done. Inside the house there was no problem at all, but I still had little experience in going outside. I also didn't have enough female clothes that were suitable for the winter season that was now beginning. You might say I had been a 'fair weather woman' until then.
So I needed to go shopping for suitable clothes in male attire. I did have some experience in buying clothes at department stores. You just need to be bold enough to go to the female department, take the clothes you like and try them on in a fitting booth. No problem, nobody will bother you, no questions will be asked. Then you just need the courage to take these clothes to the cash register and pay for them. That's all.
But sometimes you need the help of a salesperson. That happened when I was buying a pair of nice high-heeled boots. This was the very last pair in my size and they were on display, without a box. So could I just take these to the cash register without a box?
"O yes you can", said the salesgirl: "But sir, I need to warn you, these are ladies' shoes!"
"Thank you", I said: "I know. I'm afraid people will just need to get used to me."
We got into a very nice conversation about gender variant dressing behavior. She didn't make a problem of it at all, but she was genuinely interested. This was a real boost for my self-confidence.
As my wardrobe was expanding, I went out in female attire more and more often and my confidence was growing. There is a first time for everything and there is a lot to learn. Just walking around the block is not natural behavior. You need to know where you want to go and why you want to go there. Putting a letter in the mail was a good beginning. Going to the grocery store was one step further. Going to the weekly market was a great step. Mingling in the crowd, you will soon find out how well you pass and you can learn from that. Every new experience felt like a little victory.
And after a while it all became normal and natural. I learned that the important thing is to know for yourself there is nothing wrong with going out like this. The moment you think you are doing something wrong, you sort of radiate your feeling and other people will feel the same way. Keep calm, act confident and people are likely to accept you the way you are.
My journey into femininity had finally really started. But where was I heading? I didn't know. Or maybe I wasn't ready to admit it to myself.
It was clear to me that I wasn't there yet. I was living as a woman most of the time, but some very difficult steps were still ahead of me, like coming out at work and coming out to my family. I will tell you more about that in my future columns.
!!I did stay up and I did listen, but it is not very much fun to have to go so much trouble for that. I need my sleep! You don't have to do that, because the complete program is already available in the Gendertalk archive. If you go there, you'll also see that Gendertalk is featuring my columns now! They can all be found on their front page. I feel very honored!
If you want to hear only my most recent column, you can find it here:
http://eveliensnel.nl/audio/GOING32.mp3
A transcript of the text is below:
It was October 2001 and I was moving into my new home. I would be living all by myself there. I was hoping to start living full-time as a woman from day #1. But that is easier said than done. Inside the house there was no problem at all, but I still had little experience in going outside. I also didn't have enough female clothes that were suitable for the winter season that was now beginning. You might say I had been a 'fair weather woman' until then.
So I needed to go shopping for suitable clothes in male attire. I did have some experience in buying clothes at department stores. You just need to be bold enough to go to the female department, take the clothes you like and try them on in a fitting booth. No problem, nobody will bother you, no questions will be asked. Then you just need the courage to take these clothes to the cash register and pay for them. That's all.
But sometimes you need the help of a salesperson. That happened when I was buying a pair of nice high-heeled boots. This was the very last pair in my size and they were on display, without a box. So could I just take these to the cash register without a box?
"O yes you can", said the salesgirl: "But sir, I need to warn you, these are ladies' shoes!"
"Thank you", I said: "I know. I'm afraid people will just need to get used to me."
We got into a very nice conversation about gender variant dressing behavior. She didn't make a problem of it at all, but she was genuinely interested. This was a real boost for my self-confidence.
As my wardrobe was expanding, I went out in female attire more and more often and my confidence was growing. There is a first time for everything and there is a lot to learn. Just walking around the block is not natural behavior. You need to know where you want to go and why you want to go there. Putting a letter in the mail was a good beginning. Going to the grocery store was one step further. Going to the weekly market was a great step. Mingling in the crowd, you will soon find out how well you pass and you can learn from that. Every new experience felt like a little victory.
And after a while it all became normal and natural. I learned that the important thing is to know for yourself there is nothing wrong with going out like this. The moment you think you are doing something wrong, you sort of radiate your feeling and other people will feel the same way. Keep calm, act confident and people are likely to accept you the way you are.
My journey into femininity had finally really started. But where was I heading? I didn't know. Or maybe I wasn't ready to admit it to myself.
It was clear to me that I wasn't there yet. I was living as a woman most of the time, but some very difficult steps were still ahead of me, like coming out at work and coming out to my family. I will tell you more about that in my future columns.
2005-04-02
A top evening
This month was another top evening for T&T in Eindhoven. It was very busy, almost too busy. There were about 70 trans-people. Add to that their partners and the volunteers and you get a total of 100 participants!
I wasn't very much dressed up this time. I kept a low profile in high heels, pantyhose, a short skirt a tight, white top with spaghetti straps and a black jacket. Julia had helped me to do my hair and we got several compliments about that!
No, I didn't wear a bra, nor falsies. I don't need those any more! It is very nice, the hormones are starting to do very good work in my body...
Usually I touch up my makeup in the lady's restroom, but today the lights didn't work properly in there, so I decided to try the room that is reserved for dressing up instead. I was quite amazed how busy it was in there. There were sixteen seats in the room, but almost all of those were occupied.
In this room you can see how the transformation from man to woman takes place. The men enter with a big bag full of clothing and they change into female stuff. Then they put on their makeup and when they leave the room as women, many of them are hardly recognizable!
I had been making publicity for this evening on "De Vlaamse Genderkring", a forum for transgenders in Belgium. And in a private message I had gotten a response from a new member on the forum who wanted to come. She was very uncertain and inexperienced, but she really wanted to experience an evening like this. And she did come. I already met her in the dressing room. She joined me at one of the tables in the bar and she took part in our conversations. But later on I lost sight of her. She did say it was a great experience for her to been out amongst other people in female attire for the very first time. I hope she did have a nice evening.
Another member of "De Vlaamse genderkring" came to me for a chat. She had read my publication on the forum too and she said she understood why there is little response to these 'commercials' I post: There is some aversion to the T&T-evenings because these are attended mostly by transvestites. Apparently transvestites are looked down upon a little. They are still considered 'men who make fools of themselves' in the community. Only 'real' transsexuals seem to count.
I think this is an appalling attitude! It is true transvestites sometimes look like a mess. It is true they sometimes get a sexual kick out of this 'game' of dressing up. It is true the consequences go far less deep for them: On Monday they will simply go to work as men again.
But honestly: We are all to some extent 'transgendered'. I 'started' as a transvestite myself. It is a phase every transsexual goes through. And for many people transvestism is sufficient: They don't feel a need to go any further. I don't see any reason to look down upon these people!
Transgenders are a very small minority in our society already. I think it is a very bad idea to further subdivide this small group of people. Please let's be sensible enough to make use of the few opportunities that are open to us to express ourselves and to get in touch with others who share the same feelings!
And quite a lot of transsexuals do visit the T&T-evenings. We know to find each other and we discuss our experiences. We are all in the same process, but each of us is in a different stage. More than enough reason the visit the T&T-evenings!
Previous T&T-evenings: March, February, January, December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April.
I wasn't very much dressed up this time. I kept a low profile in high heels, pantyhose, a short skirt a tight, white top with spaghetti straps and a black jacket. Julia had helped me to do my hair and we got several compliments about that!
No, I didn't wear a bra, nor falsies. I don't need those any more! It is very nice, the hormones are starting to do very good work in my body...
Usually I touch up my makeup in the lady's restroom, but today the lights didn't work properly in there, so I decided to try the room that is reserved for dressing up instead. I was quite amazed how busy it was in there. There were sixteen seats in the room, but almost all of those were occupied.
In this room you can see how the transformation from man to woman takes place. The men enter with a big bag full of clothing and they change into female stuff. Then they put on their makeup and when they leave the room as women, many of them are hardly recognizable!
I had been making publicity for this evening on "De Vlaamse Genderkring", a forum for transgenders in Belgium. And in a private message I had gotten a response from a new member on the forum who wanted to come. She was very uncertain and inexperienced, but she really wanted to experience an evening like this. And she did come. I already met her in the dressing room. She joined me at one of the tables in the bar and she took part in our conversations. But later on I lost sight of her. She did say it was a great experience for her to been out amongst other people in female attire for the very first time. I hope she did have a nice evening.
Another member of "De Vlaamse genderkring" came to me for a chat. She had read my publication on the forum too and she said she understood why there is little response to these 'commercials' I post: There is some aversion to the T&T-evenings because these are attended mostly by transvestites. Apparently transvestites are looked down upon a little. They are still considered 'men who make fools of themselves' in the community. Only 'real' transsexuals seem to count.
I think this is an appalling attitude! It is true transvestites sometimes look like a mess. It is true they sometimes get a sexual kick out of this 'game' of dressing up. It is true the consequences go far less deep for them: On Monday they will simply go to work as men again.
But honestly: We are all to some extent 'transgendered'. I 'started' as a transvestite myself. It is a phase every transsexual goes through. And for many people transvestism is sufficient: They don't feel a need to go any further. I don't see any reason to look down upon these people!
Transgenders are a very small minority in our society already. I think it is a very bad idea to further subdivide this small group of people. Please let's be sensible enough to make use of the few opportunities that are open to us to express ourselves and to get in touch with others who share the same feelings!
And quite a lot of transsexuals do visit the T&T-evenings. We know to find each other and we discuss our experiences. We are all in the same process, but each of us is in a different stage. More than enough reason the visit the T&T-evenings!
Previous T&T-evenings: March, February, January, December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April.
© 1985-2006 E.G. Snel
