Diary

Monday morning when I arrived at work, the door wouldn't open for me! My security badge had been disabled! This is the way rights of the victims of our reorganization are taken away step by step. Of course my badge had to be re-activated by the administration, because I (still) work in this building. But this is yet another reminder: "This will also end soon... "
We have had a similar unpleasant incident before: The last day I was employed by my old employer was on a Saturday. I had planned to check all the files on my laptop computer that day and order them neatly. But no! My account was already disabled on Friday, so I could not do anything at all although I was still employed with this company! Of course my account had to be re-enabled on Monday, because I (still) needed it. They had just disabled it a little too soon...
Incidents like this hurt my feelings time and time again. Every time it repeats the same message to me: "We don't want you anymore!"

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It has taken awfully long this time, but last night my seventh column was broadcast by Gendertalk. It will be available in their archive next week, but you can also hear it here: http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/EARLY22.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:

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Early coming out

Once upon a time, in the Indian summer of the year 2000, I was lucky enough to be able to rent a studio in the center of Rotterdam for a few months at an almost reasonable price. I was still very uncertain about where I wanted to go with my transgender issues and living alone for a while was a unique opportunity to find out more about myself.

I was still very inexperienced in presenting myself in female form to the outside world, but I had the feeling it didn't matter that much in the center of a metropolitan city. I just needed to walk out my front door a few steps and I was completely anonymous among the crowd. So I had the feeling I could do some experiments over there and so I did.

I wasn't living a double life; this was really a triple life. I still went to work in the posh leased car, dressed in suit, shirt and tie. I ventured out in 'girl-mode', dressed in a skirt, a girlish top and wearing a wig. And I relaxed in a sort of androgynous mode, looking like an in-betweeny, wearing trousers and sweaters and nail polish.

In 'girl-mode' I must have looked like a mess, dressing up in too sexy, too young clothes for my age. I was instantly spotted as a cross dresser all over the place. And I think there may have been some dangerous situations for me. But I was lucky and wasn't physically harassed in any way. I am not so sure I could have pulled this off in the USA!

As an in-betweeny I did look sort-of acceptable. That was the way I frequented the local pub, which was a bit of a redneck place, featuring an après-ski atmosphere every day and karaoke in the weekends. People must have seen me as sort of a faggot over there, but since I did sing karaoke every now and then and I did drink gallons of beer like the rest of the crowd, I was accepted.

I was also dressed as an in-betweeny when my sister and my brother-in-law came to visit me. This was coming-out time! As I said, I was not so sure what way I really wanted to go in my life, but I was convinced some gender issue was involved. I can't really remember how I explained this to them, but I do remember I was met with a heart warming acceptance. My brother-in-law expressed his acceptance in words, but my sister is not that much of a talker. She expressed it in another way: When they said goodbye she took her bracelet off her wrist and put it on mine! This was a very powerful way to show her feelings! It is one of the most precious gifts anyone ever gave me!!

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I just read that Gendertalk has been moved in the WMBR schedule. It is now due on Saturday night at 8 PM EST . In our local time that is 2 AM in the night from Saturday to Sunday...

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There was a train standing along the second platform at Rotterdam Central Station. And it was not supposed to be there! It was the wrong type of train. (We call this type a Dog-face, because the front of it resembles the snout of a dog.) But from this track the trains to Hook of Holland are supposed to leave. That service is always done with Sprinters (to be seen in the back on the picture), because those are more suitable for a lot of acceleration and deceleration.
So what was this Dog-face doing here? It was obviously blocking the time-table. And I had the feeling it was my fault that it was standing there. I couldn't remember parking it there myself, but that seemed to be the only logical explanation!
How could I have been so stupid? The best thing to do was to correct my error as quickly as possible. But how? If I would try to enter the driver's compartment, the railway personnel would surely hold me back. And even if I would make it to the driver's seat, how could I make the switches direct me to a side track and not onto the main track? If I would get on the main track with this train, things would only get much worse!
Of course I could run away and leave this problem for the railway personnel to solve, but that felt like fleeing from my responsibility. I couldn't do that! I broke into perspiration!

I woke up in clammy sweat. What an odd dream. What did it mean? It may have to do with my character. It reminds me of the incident I once witnessed on a ship yard. I still make the mistake of trying to solve more than I need to. It wouldn't be that bad, if people appreciated this... But no! The only thing that seems to be valued at work is when we deliver according to schedule.
Apparently the right attitude is: "I will only do what we agreed upon in advance and everything else is somebody else's problem." But that is not the way I feel! And that is why my current job is way below my abilities. It they want someone to pound in lines of software, they should hire a cheap programmer from Randstad, but not someone who understands the machine we are working on!

Labels: trains

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Ah! Poor thing! Didn't they broadcast your column? Come on! Don't make a fool of yourself! Have you been paying attention at all to the subject of this week's Gendertalk? Homeless transsexuals! Forced to work in the sex industry! 76% of them HIV-positive!

Would you honestly have wanted your boring little column amongst that? The one that starts with "I was lucky enough to be able to rent a studio..." You'd better be glad they haven't aired that this time!

In Gendertalk we also heard the very just remark that the difference between rich and poor is a much bigger problem than a little gender dysphoria.
So wipe away you tears and count your blessings, little Evelien!

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Today there was a short installment of Gendertalk, without a column...

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Another T&T evening! You never know what you can expect on such an evening, but this time it was an experience I won't easily forget.

I learned a lot from a conversation with a transsexual woman who has put all the operations behind her. This does not mean she is ready with her transition. Oh no! A transition is never 'ready'. But she does say she feels OK with herself now. She doesn't want any more medical changes.
She had her SRS done in Thailand. Apparently they do it much better over there than here in Amsterdam. They leave more of your body intact. Every nerve is carefully preserved. Wow! If you hear a report like that, the job they do here in Amsterdam seem very primitive.
Why don't I get information like this at the VU in Amsterdam? Yeah, they won't tell me at the VU that it can be done much better of course. And there is a little problem: The insurance company will not reimburse an operation in Thailand. So that would cost me $21,000. Where will I get that???

With another group I had a nice talk about my difficulties at work. Just like many times before I was told I should stand up for my rights more often. I shouldn't let everything happen, I should fight back! But that is easier said than done. I am not a fighter. I easily feel taken aback by others, especially if they happen to be 'authorities'. I don't feel confident enough because I also make mistakes and because I am afraid to lose what I have.
Many transsexuals in Holland are unable to work for one reason or another. They have to live on social security benefits. It is no surprise, because they have to endure a lot! But look at the USA: Transsexuals don't get a cent from their insurance. They have to pay everything themselves and they work their butt off for years and years to be able to transition. Yes, that is a bad situation, but it does have an advantage: They retain their freedom and independence. I think that must have a very positive effect on one's self-esteem.
Look at me: I am dependent on others in many ways and I just let them sit on me. OK, I did make the decision I want to have my physical sex adjusted to my feelings. And I am certainly willing and able to provide for my own income. Being a transsexual does not make one unfit for work! I don't have the intention to become a 'pathetic case'!
But meanwhile I have gone back to following the tracks others lay down for me:

"Yes, doctor, Sir!"
"Yes, employer, Sir!"
"Yes, insurance company, Sir!"
"Yes, customer, Sir!"
Very nice indeed, I let myself be manipulated from all others! When will I learn to really make my own choices in life?

I also had another laser hair removal. This is beginning to take a very long time in my case! This time we put the laser two notches higher than in December: 35 Joules... Auch! Hopefully we have been able to kill off a few hairs again, but a few hairs for $150 doesn't really sound like a good deal.
We will have to wait and see the results again...

I could tell much more about this evening, but this article is too long already, so I'll end here. I had a real good experience this time with all the friends I meet every month and also a lot we hadn't seen in months.

Previous T&T-evenings: January, December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April.

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Today at last I visited the Humanitas transsexual support group again. This time the theme was "Work and Transsexuality", so I was hoping to find some relief by speaking about all the misery I have to endure at work.
I came well prepared by reading Andrea's page on this subject once again. When I read that, I learned that I made many 'mistakes' in my transition at work. But I also read that some of these problems are almost unavoidable.

So told the group in short how I transitioned from living as a man to living as a woman at work. But when I started to tell about the problems and I stated women always face discrimination at work and that goes even more for transsexual women, I was completely overwhelmed by a very snappy reaction from a woman who said she does not see that at all in her workplace!
For a while I could not say a word! How on Earth is it possible that someone completely overlooks a problem women are facing Worldwide? A difference that has been proven true in scientific research? The fact that women get paid less than men for the same work? The fact you find fewer women than men in higher management? The double standards that are use to evaluate one's performance? Fortunately the group leader and several other members in the group later said I was right about all this: Discrimination of women in the workplace is simply a proven fact...

It took me a while to pull out of her what she did and how her transition had gone. And it turned out she is working in a quite simple job on the work flour. Her duties have been laid down simple and unambiguously. On top of that she's always wearing overalls at work, just like everyone else in her profession. But if there is a company outing, she does wear a female outfit.

OK, now I am beginning to understand! My job description is not so simple. I make software and the requirements are often quite vague. I have to deal with customers, colleagues, managers and supporting departments. Planning are often made without consulting me. There are no objective criteria to judge my performance.
On top of that, as a transsexual woman everybody is watching me more closely, if I make a 'mistake', people will surely remember it. Especially those who hate me, because they think transsexuals are 'scary'. Or they may even think up something I didn't do at all. And I do appear dressed as a woman at work every day. We don't wear overalls!
In my case there are so many more possibilities to judge my performance negatively on false grounds. So that is what's happening!

I would have liked to also tell about my other job, my free-lance translations.
In that work I am doing very well! My customer is very satisfied and is giving me more and more assignments. On January, 1st. I even got a 7% raise, without even asking for it! Apparently there still are people who do see the real value of my work.

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My columns are still going strong!
Gendertalk just aired sissue #6.
It will be available in their archive by next Tuesday. And (right now) you can also hear it here:
http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/MISSED12.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:

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Missed a party

I heard some people were a bit embarrassed about my last column, because it was about the operation I underwent for a medical problem people normally don’t speak about. Yes, that is a taboo to, just like transgenderism! Why not kill two taboos with one stone? But let’s just stick to one taboo this time…

After my operation it took me quite some time to recuperate. Two weeks later a very good friend of mine celebrated his birthday, but I couldn't come. I hadn't left the house yet.

Julia did go to the party and she had a great time. She met a former colleague of mine there.
Colleague? Yes, it was even more than that. At the time I was a project leader and he was one of the members in my team. So there you have it: Once upon a time I was somebody's 'boss' to! I don't expect that to happen so easily again...

But I was a different person at the time. Or so it seemed. I went to work wearing a neat suit and a tie every day. If you do that, you are trusted to take on a responsible job. Your knowledge and experience don't really matter that much, as long as you have a 'professional' appearance. That's the way it is in the World we live in...

This brought back a lot of memories to me. The period I am talking about now must have been around 1997. I was driving around in a posh leased car and stayed in a hotel on weeknights, all at the expense of the company. At the time I was making a real effort of being (or becoming) a Real Man. I also went for a 1500 meter swim every night in the hotel pool to become stronger and more masculine.

Of course I was living a lie. I am very good at that. But this life didn't make me happy. Maybe it was even partially in reaction to being 'sir-ed' all the time, that I started to wear women's clothing more and more often in the safe privacy of my hotel room during the same period...

So in those days the clothing I wore at work gave me an unfair advantage. But nowadays my clothing has an opposite affect. When I came out as transsexual woman, it didn’t seem a problem at all. It was accepted at work…
But I can feel clearly something has changed. And it hasn’t changed in the way I expected. I was hoping people would treat me as a lady from that day on. But they don’t! They are treating me as a woman alright, they are treating me like a maid!

So this is the discrimination women are facing in the workplace. If you have seen both sides, like I have, it is so clear! And it hurts! It looks like I will be missing many more parties in the future, just because I am who I am.

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