English
Nederlands
2005-01-31
Ill
If I write little in my diary, it is usually a sign I am not doing very well. This time is no exception: I think I have run into a virus once again.
I feel terrible. I would like to spin myself into a cocoon and not come out of that until I am completely a Woman...
I feel terrible. I would like to spin myself into a cocoon and not come out of that until I am completely a Woman...
2005-01-27
Nuit Blanche
Nuit Blanche is French for "A sleepless night". It is also the name of the first object of art I ever purchased. It is a wall tapestry measuring about 4x6 feet, created by Theo Aalberse.
This tapestry showed my feelings in such a clear way I was immediately struck by it. And it still does. You see three people asleep, but the white one is awake. That's me! I often have trouble getting to sleep.
The picture also shows how lonely one can feel. Different from the others, unable to make a connection. Back in 1988 I did know this feeling, but I didn't have a clue why I felt that way.
Nowadays I understand a little more about why I am different. But I still often feel the loneliness...
This tapestry showed my feelings in such a clear way I was immediately struck by it. And it still does. You see three people asleep, but the white one is awake. That's me! I often have trouble getting to sleep.
The picture also shows how lonely one can feel. Different from the others, unable to make a connection. Back in 1988 I did know this feeling, but I didn't have a clue why I felt that way.
Nowadays I understand a little more about why I am different. But I still often feel the loneliness...
2005-01-18
Fifth Column
My fifth column was broadcast last night by Gendertalk. Believe it or not: I didn't listen! I completely forgot about it 
Nancy mailed me about it and she told me the people in the studio were a bit embarrassed because it is about hemorrhoids... Yes, that is a taboo to, just like transgenderism! Why not kill two taboos with one stone?
Anyway, the column will be available in their archive by next Tuesday. And (right now) you can also hear it here:
http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/OPER5.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:
Sex Change
Last year I had a sex change and an operation in our local hospital. No, it is not what you think! This is an operation, not the operation. That one is still in the distant future. This time I was in hospital for a different problem: hemorrhoids. Several attempts have been made to cure me in a less intrusive way. They put little rubber bands around the base of some of the hemorrhoids. These then die because the circulation of blood is stopped and they disappear within a few weeks. The procedure of placing these rubber bands did give me some experience with the gynecological position even before I am officially a woman. If you trust your doctor it is not as bad as it seems.
I am living full-time as a woman, so I always came to the hospital dressed in a feminine way. But when it was my turn the nurse always called for Mister Snel. Very embarrassing in a full waiting-room! She noticed my problem and she told me I could easily have my punch card altered so that it would have an 'F' on it instead of an 'M'.
I didn't know it was that simple, but she was right. We went to the desk where the punch cards and made and I politely asked to have it changed.
"Sure, no problem", said the lady: "But I'll have to put in a reason for the change."
"Can't you simply put 'transsexual'?"
"I can do that. Are you sure you want that in your records?"
"Yes, please do it!"
So that was all. Within five minutes I got my sex change at the hospital. Without any fuss. Without anesthetic. Without any pain.
From that day on my name was called out as Mrs. Snel. A great improvement!
Normally the treatment with rubber bands is sufficient, but it didn't work for me. So the doctors gave up on that idea and decided I needed an operation. A complete ring of material would have to be removed from my intestine. I will try to see this as a kind of 'dress rehearsal' for my 'real' operation...
I was quite nervous about what ward they would put me in. I do have an 'F' on my punch card, but I was still afraid that the other women in a women's ward would see me as an intruder. And having to be in a men's ward would have made me feel very out-of-place. But it turns out this hospital has mainly mixed wards, so there was no problem at all!
When I arrived the nurse asked me how I would like to be addressed, so after that I was consistently ma'am-ed all the time. Very nice! I got a place in a ward with two other women. The fourth bed in the ward was not occupied.
I was operated the same day and the next morning I was allowed to leave the hospital already. But I did have to stay until all administration had been sorted out. So I witnessed the arrival of the patient who was to occupy the fourth bed in our room. "Yes, you will be in a ladies only ward", the doctor who took her in said reassuringly. The guy, who had come along with her to bring her to the hospital looked quite suspiciously in my direction. I don't think he really believed this to be a women's ward... So be it. If he doesn't understand it, he'll just have to admire it, as we say in Holland.
Nancy mailed me about it and she told me the people in the studio were a bit embarrassed because it is about hemorrhoids... Yes, that is a taboo to, just like transgenderism! Why not kill two taboos with one stone?
Anyway, the column will be available in their archive by next Tuesday. And (right now) you can also hear it here:
http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/OPER5.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:
Last year I had a sex change and an operation in our local hospital. No, it is not what you think! This is an operation, not the operation. That one is still in the distant future. This time I was in hospital for a different problem: hemorrhoids. Several attempts have been made to cure me in a less intrusive way. They put little rubber bands around the base of some of the hemorrhoids. These then die because the circulation of blood is stopped and they disappear within a few weeks. The procedure of placing these rubber bands did give me some experience with the gynecological position even before I am officially a woman. If you trust your doctor it is not as bad as it seems.
I am living full-time as a woman, so I always came to the hospital dressed in a feminine way. But when it was my turn the nurse always called for Mister Snel. Very embarrassing in a full waiting-room! She noticed my problem and she told me I could easily have my punch card altered so that it would have an 'F' on it instead of an 'M'.
I didn't know it was that simple, but she was right. We went to the desk where the punch cards and made and I politely asked to have it changed.
"Sure, no problem", said the lady: "But I'll have to put in a reason for the change."
"Can't you simply put 'transsexual'?"
"I can do that. Are you sure you want that in your records?"
"Yes, please do it!"
So that was all. Within five minutes I got my sex change at the hospital. Without any fuss. Without anesthetic. Without any pain.
From that day on my name was called out as Mrs. Snel. A great improvement!
Normally the treatment with rubber bands is sufficient, but it didn't work for me. So the doctors gave up on that idea and decided I needed an operation. A complete ring of material would have to be removed from my intestine. I will try to see this as a kind of 'dress rehearsal' for my 'real' operation...
I was quite nervous about what ward they would put me in. I do have an 'F' on my punch card, but I was still afraid that the other women in a women's ward would see me as an intruder. And having to be in a men's ward would have made me feel very out-of-place. But it turns out this hospital has mainly mixed wards, so there was no problem at all!
When I arrived the nurse asked me how I would like to be addressed, so after that I was consistently ma'am-ed all the time. Very nice! I got a place in a ward with two other women. The fourth bed in the ward was not occupied.
I was operated the same day and the next morning I was allowed to leave the hospital already. But I did have to stay until all administration had been sorted out. So I witnessed the arrival of the patient who was to occupy the fourth bed in our room. "Yes, you will be in a ladies only ward", the doctor who took her in said reassuringly. The guy, who had come along with her to bring her to the hospital looked quite suspiciously in my direction. I don't think he really believed this to be a women's ward... So be it. If he doesn't understand it, he'll just have to admire it, as we say in Holland.
2005-01-15
Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain
Lately I kept on running into references to this movie. It all started on a T&T-evening when I met someone called Amélie. She told me she named herself after the main character in this movie because Amélie inspired her so much.
Then I read the book "De laatste keer" by Kristien Hemmerechts. I don't think her work has been translated into English, so I'll give you a unique peek into Flemish literature... In this book the main character, Yoko Debondt, is persuaded to come along to the cinema:
"... 'This is the movie you need', is what David - friend David - said to me. 'Put on your coat. Follow me.' It was a movie to make you believe in people once again. And in love. [...] Afterwards I couldn't force myself to say what I really thought of it: a nice movie, no more than that. Walt Disney for grown-ups. Nothing like Cria Cuervos or The Third Man. 'You are a bit like Amélie Poulain,' I said teasingly. 'You always want to help people. Untangle their lives. Make the Sun shine. Interfere with their lives so that you don't need to think too hard about yourself...."
That last sentence clearly expresses the main theme of this movie: Amélie (Audrey Tautou) is an anonymous helper for dozens of people. You simply have to love her. She is pretty but modest. Charming but shy.
When she falls in love herself she gets into a predicament: She cannot continue covering herself in mysteries, if she wants to meet her loved one. Will she be able to conquer her fear for a real confrontation?
In Kristien's book Yoko steps into the same pitfall. She follows a woman she is attracted to into a shoe shop. She is mainly thrilled by beautiful women's feet. And beautiful feet require beautiful shoes. But the price! 6000 Belgian Francs! That is too much! Then Yoko takes an initiative: "...I grabbed into my purse and took out three 1000 franc notes. I put those on the nearest rack and put the shoe on it as a presse-papier. 'That way we will pay one half each', I said with my broadest smile. I opened the door, but before leaving the shop I said. 'Do me a favor and buy them. Those shoes are made for you.'
It was a pure Amélie Poulain, but an expensive one. I had been making fun of David too soon."
"Disney for grown-ups"? Jucky! I am a little allergic to Disney. But I did like the movie. I soon noticed, I had seen it once before, but that is not a problem! It is so beautiful what Amélie does for all those people. She even manages to help her own father, although he is living in a fantasy world and doesn't hear a word she says...
I enjoyed it once again. And I cried, of course...
Then I read the book "De laatste keer" by Kristien Hemmerechts. I don't think her work has been translated into English, so I'll give you a unique peek into Flemish literature... In this book the main character, Yoko Debondt, is persuaded to come along to the cinema:
"... 'This is the movie you need', is what David - friend David - said to me. 'Put on your coat. Follow me.' It was a movie to make you believe in people once again. And in love. [...] Afterwards I couldn't force myself to say what I really thought of it: a nice movie, no more than that. Walt Disney for grown-ups. Nothing like Cria Cuervos or The Third Man. 'You are a bit like Amélie Poulain,' I said teasingly. 'You always want to help people. Untangle their lives. Make the Sun shine. Interfere with their lives so that you don't need to think too hard about yourself...."
That last sentence clearly expresses the main theme of this movie: Amélie (Audrey Tautou) is an anonymous helper for dozens of people. You simply have to love her. She is pretty but modest. Charming but shy.
When she falls in love herself she gets into a predicament: She cannot continue covering herself in mysteries, if she wants to meet her loved one. Will she be able to conquer her fear for a real confrontation?
In Kristien's book Yoko steps into the same pitfall. She follows a woman she is attracted to into a shoe shop. She is mainly thrilled by beautiful women's feet. And beautiful feet require beautiful shoes. But the price! 6000 Belgian Francs! That is too much! Then Yoko takes an initiative: "...I grabbed into my purse and took out three 1000 franc notes. I put those on the nearest rack and put the shoe on it as a presse-papier. 'That way we will pay one half each', I said with my broadest smile. I opened the door, but before leaving the shop I said. 'Do me a favor and buy them. Those shoes are made for you.'
It was a pure Amélie Poulain, but an expensive one. I had been making fun of David too soon."
"Disney for grown-ups"? Jucky! I am a little allergic to Disney. But I did like the movie. I soon noticed, I had seen it once before, but that is not a problem! It is so beautiful what Amélie does for all those people. She even manages to help her own father, although he is living in a fantasy world and doesn't hear a word she says...
I enjoyed it once again. And I cried, of course...
2005-01-12
One Month on Estrogen
Many readers must be curious about my experience with female hormones by now. As you know I have been sticking a fresh Estradiol patch onto my skin every four days since December, 6th.
I am very surprised about the effects myself. Within a week it became clear that more was happening than I ever expected. My consciousness has been broadened, my senses work better than they ever did. This effect persists. You get used to it, but it remains ever present. These effects started on day #2 already. The most striking effect must be I awake much fitter every morning than I ever used to!
Reading about the effects you always find stories about increased emotions. I haven't really noticed that. I have always been quite emotional and I was easily touched by a song or a movie. This has increased, but I haven't felt a clear moment of change in that.
And then there are the physical effects. That is what it is all about, isn't it? That is why you do this. At least these were the things I was thinking of most before I started. Well, these effects do occur. I have gained more than four pounds in weight over the past month! Not everybody would be pleased by that. The main question is of course: Is it going to the right places?
No, not all of it: My tummy is getting thicker. Nobody likes that. That is why several skirts suddenly don't fit me anymore. But my breasts are now growing very noticeably too. It goes so fast they even hurt, especially when I am riding my bicycle: every bump in the road hurts me!
I have read about falsies you can stick to your body. They say those give "a very natural feeling" if you wear them. But now I can tell you from experience that breasts do not feel natural unless they can be sore!
I am very surprised about the effects myself. Within a week it became clear that more was happening than I ever expected. My consciousness has been broadened, my senses work better than they ever did. This effect persists. You get used to it, but it remains ever present. These effects started on day #2 already. The most striking effect must be I awake much fitter every morning than I ever used to!
Reading about the effects you always find stories about increased emotions. I haven't really noticed that. I have always been quite emotional and I was easily touched by a song or a movie. This has increased, but I haven't felt a clear moment of change in that.
And then there are the physical effects. That is what it is all about, isn't it? That is why you do this. At least these were the things I was thinking of most before I started. Well, these effects do occur. I have gained more than four pounds in weight over the past month! Not everybody would be pleased by that. The main question is of course: Is it going to the right places?
No, not all of it: My tummy is getting thicker. Nobody likes that. That is why several skirts suddenly don't fit me anymore. But my breasts are now growing very noticeably too. It goes so fast they even hurt, especially when I am riding my bicycle: every bump in the road hurts me!
I have read about falsies you can stick to your body. They say those give "a very natural feeling" if you wear them. But now I can tell you from experience that breasts do not feel natural unless they can be sore!
2005-01-04
Fourth Column
My fourth column was just broadcast by Gendertalk. Unfortunately I wasn't able to hear it myself, because the WMBR server was overloaded. But there are alternative ways to listen to it: It will be available in their archive by next Tuesday. And (right now) you can also hear it here:
http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/BUSSTOP8.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:
Bus Stop
Julia had taken me to work by car, so I had to return home by bus. From a long way away I could hear I wouldn't be alone at the bus stop. There was a guy with a skate board there and he was obviously bored. I knew he was going to bother me. So what should I do? Walk on to the next bus stop? I don't think so!
It turned out to be a seven year old. He was making quite a lot of noise for his age. But now he devoted his attention to me. He was showing off some acts of braveness on his skate board and he told me that soon, on his 8th birthday he would get a new surf board.
Well, I think it was high time he got a new one, because his board didn't look very good any more. The paint had come off at several edges and the bearings seemed to be worn out too, because it wouldn't even roll smoothly down a slope any more.
Of course he was trying to get me to talk, to find out whether I was a man or a woman, but I wasn't in for playing any games, so I even talked to him spontaneously. I said: "I hope one of these new busses will come. A Phileas. I would love to have a ride in one of those..."
"O jeah, the grey ones. Those are okay. No in America I have seen a bus that was all gold-colored..."
After a few minutes of chatting he was convinced I was a man, so he asked: "Why are you wearing women's clothing?"
"Because I like it", I said: "I feel much more at ease like this."
"Ah, so that's why", he said: "You know, on my birthday I will get a surf board with much better wheels!"
Yes, he knew exactly what he wanted. Well, almost. He still had to decide what print he would like most on the bottom side of the board. There was a choice between a print of a motorcycle, jumping a building or a couple of dice. I thought the motorcycle was much more suitable for a surf board and so I told him, but he was still undecided.
Eventually a bus arrived. It was not a Phileas, but a normal, boring city bus. I took it anyway, because all this was taking too much of my time. Today it took me a whole hour to travel the distance I usually do in twenty minutes on my bicycle. But still it was a nice experience to have met this little guy. I can explain what is the matter with me in a few words and that is all he needs to know. Then he switches the subject back to what interests him: Surf boards.
I wish all people were like him!
http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/BUSSTOP8.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:
Julia had taken me to work by car, so I had to return home by bus. From a long way away I could hear I wouldn't be alone at the bus stop. There was a guy with a skate board there and he was obviously bored. I knew he was going to bother me. So what should I do? Walk on to the next bus stop? I don't think so!
It turned out to be a seven year old. He was making quite a lot of noise for his age. But now he devoted his attention to me. He was showing off some acts of braveness on his skate board and he told me that soon, on his 8th birthday he would get a new surf board.
Well, I think it was high time he got a new one, because his board didn't look very good any more. The paint had come off at several edges and the bearings seemed to be worn out too, because it wouldn't even roll smoothly down a slope any more.
Of course he was trying to get me to talk, to find out whether I was a man or a woman, but I wasn't in for playing any games, so I even talked to him spontaneously. I said: "I hope one of these new busses will come. A Phileas. I would love to have a ride in one of those..."
"O jeah, the grey ones. Those are okay. No in America I have seen a bus that was all gold-colored..."
After a few minutes of chatting he was convinced I was a man, so he asked: "Why are you wearing women's clothing?"
"Because I like it", I said: "I feel much more at ease like this."
"Ah, so that's why", he said: "You know, on my birthday I will get a surf board with much better wheels!"
Yes, he knew exactly what he wanted. Well, almost. He still had to decide what print he would like most on the bottom side of the board. There was a choice between a print of a motorcycle, jumping a building or a couple of dice. I thought the motorcycle was much more suitable for a surf board and so I told him, but he was still undecided.
Eventually a bus arrived. It was not a Phileas, but a normal, boring city bus. I took it anyway, because all this was taking too much of my time. Today it took me a whole hour to travel the distance I usually do in twenty minutes on my bicycle. But still it was a nice experience to have met this little guy. I can explain what is the matter with me in a few words and that is all he needs to know. Then he switches the subject back to what interests him: Surf boards.
I wish all people were like him!
2005-01-01
New year's party
The first of January is an unusual day for a T&T-evening, but it was the first Saturday of the month. And because it was a special day, we made it a real festive evening with goodies to eat and a glass of champagne.
A festive gathering calls for festive clothing, so I looked deep into my closets to find some extra-special clothes. I must say I was a bit disappointed: Many of my clothes suddenly don't fit me anymore!
It is terrible! You feel just like an elephant when are fruitlessly pulling on a zipper, that used to be so easy to close!
I am beginning to understand girls who suffer from anorexia. When you are used to wearing size S it is difficult to admit that you can no longer do that. Female hormones make you grow fatter, whether you like it or not.
Fortunately I found a beautiful, long, shiny pink party-dress that still did fit me. This time I didn't wear a bra or falsies under it. My breasts are still tiny, but least they are real!! In such a thin, shiny fabric everything shows very well...
So I did have to take care to hold in my tummy and below that I also needed to make some special arrangements to prevent unnatural bulging...
Nobody was expecting a T&T-evening on such a special day to be very busy, but it was quite busy after all. I think there were at least sixty guests present. Five people had promised to bring some goodies, but it turned out many more people spontaneously brought food. The result was a very nice cold buffet. There was more than enough for everyone to eat as much as they wanted. And there was still something left. Very successful! A very nice evening!
Previous T&T-evenings: December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April.
A festive gathering calls for festive clothing, so I looked deep into my closets to find some extra-special clothes. I must say I was a bit disappointed: Many of my clothes suddenly don't fit me anymore!
It is terrible! You feel just like an elephant when are fruitlessly pulling on a zipper, that used to be so easy to close!
I am beginning to understand girls who suffer from anorexia. When you are used to wearing size S it is difficult to admit that you can no longer do that. Female hormones make you grow fatter, whether you like it or not.
Fortunately I found a beautiful, long, shiny pink party-dress that still did fit me. This time I didn't wear a bra or falsies under it. My breasts are still tiny, but least they are real!! In such a thin, shiny fabric everything shows very well...
So I did have to take care to hold in my tummy and below that I also needed to make some special arrangements to prevent unnatural bulging...
Nobody was expecting a T&T-evening on such a special day to be very busy, but it was quite busy after all. I think there were at least sixty guests present. Five people had promised to bring some goodies, but it turned out many more people spontaneously brought food. The result was a very nice cold buffet. There was more than enough for everyone to eat as much as they wanted. And there was still something left. Very successful! A very nice evening!
Previous T&T-evenings: December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April.
© 1985-2006 E.G. Snel
