Diary

Another T&T evening! You never know what you can expect on such an evening, but this time it was an experience I won't easily forget.

I learned a lot from a conversation with a transsexual woman who has put all the operations behind her. This does not mean she is ready with her transition. Oh no! A transition is never 'ready'. But she does say she feels OK with herself now. She doesn't want any more medical changes.
She had her SRS done in Thailand. Apparently they do it much better over there than here in Amsterdam. They leave more of your body intact. Every nerve is carefully preserved. Wow! If you hear a report like that, the job they do here in Amsterdam seem very primitive.
Why don't I get information like this at the VU in Amsterdam? Yeah, they won't tell me at the VU that it can be done much better of course. And there is a little problem: The insurance company will not reimburse an operation in Thailand. So that would cost me $21,000. Where will I get that???

With another group I had a nice talk about my difficulties at work. Just like many times before I was told I should stand up for my rights more often. I shouldn't let everything happen, I should fight back! But that is easier said than done. I am not a fighter. I easily feel taken aback by others, especially if they happen to be 'authorities'. I don't feel confident enough because I also make mistakes and because I am afraid to lose what I have.
Many transsexuals in Holland are unable to work for one reason or another. They have to live on social security benefits. It is no surprise, because they have to endure a lot! But look at the USA: Transsexuals don't get a cent from their insurance. They have to pay everything themselves and they work their butt off for years and years to be able to transition. Yes, that is a bad situation, but it does have an advantage: They retain their freedom and independence. I think that must have a very positive effect on one's self-esteem.
Look at me: I am dependent on others in many ways and I just let them sit on me. OK, I did make the decision I want to have my physical sex adjusted to my feelings. And I am certainly willing and able to provide for my own income. Being a transsexual does not make one unfit for work! I don't have the intention to become a 'pathetic case'!
But meanwhile I have gone back to following the tracks others lay down for me:

"Yes, doctor, Sir!"
"Yes, employer, Sir!"
"Yes, insurance company, Sir!"
"Yes, customer, Sir!"
Very nice indeed, I let myself be manipulated from all others! When will I learn to really make my own choices in life?

I also had another laser hair removal. This is beginning to take a very long time in my case! This time we put the laser two notches higher than in December: 35 Joules... Auch! Hopefully we have been able to kill off a few hairs again, but a few hairs for $150 doesn't really sound like a good deal.
We will have to wait and see the results again...

I could tell much more about this evening, but this article is too long already, so I'll end here. I had a real good experience this time with all the friends I meet every month and also a lot we hadn't seen in months.

Previous T&T-evenings: January, December, November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April.


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