Diary

I would like to wish all my readers a very happy new year!

Just like all my 'In Real Life' friends and acquaintances.

But Evelien would not be Evelien, if she didn't run into another problem here:

• Women kiss women;
  
• Men kiss women;
  
• Women kiss men;
  
• But men do not kiss men!
  

So what does Evelien do? She rarely kisses men.

I may have the right to be myself and to show that to the outside world, but I don't want to embarrass people. Many man would be startled if I would want to kiss them. There is no sexual intention of any kind involved, but these men would be scared anyway. So I stay aloof.

It goes without saying that I care about the feelings of the people I wish a happy new year. But this gives me an unpleasant feeling. These are moments when I very clearly feel, I am not completely accepted as a woman yet.

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Everybody will have noticed by now: A natural disaster has occurred. When you see things like this, you realize how unimportant our own little problems are. In Asia at least 100,000 people have died in an awful way. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands who have lost all their possessions.

So what can we do? A Dutch artist worded it very well: Send money and light a candle. I can only add to that: And think about how small and unimportant we are as human beings.

Please send you checks to the international help organizations.

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I said Shrek is not about transsexuality, but I have to take that back, more or less. Tonight we watched "Shrek 2" and we learned:

• The Big, Bad Wolf is called a transsexual. And indeed: If he puts on grandmother's clothes he is at least a transvestite.
  
• The Barmaid in "The Poison Apple" is a transsexual. And she does meet a very handsome boy in the film...
  
• Pinocchio wears women's underwear.
  

But seriously: The main themes in this movie are "How do I tell my parents" and "Should you adjust to the expectations of the society?"
Again a fabulous movie. And again tears in my eyes...

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This film is not about transsexuality, but it is about 'being different'. I happen to have seen it yesterday already, because we borrowed it from the library. And now it is on TV!
My TV guide calls it 'the film of the day':

"USA 2001. By Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Voices: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and more. Shrek (voice Mike Myers) is a large, green creature. Because people experience him as scary and ugly he prefers to be alone. So he lives by himself in a deserted swamp. But one morning he finds his whole garden filled with fairy tale characters. Shrek goes to complain to the evil count Farquaad (voice john Lithgow), who is responsible for this. To get his swamp back Shrek has to go and save princess Fiona (voice Cameron Diaz) from the claws of a dragon.
Farquaad wants to marry her, but he doesn't want to go and save her himself. Accompanied by a loud-mouthed donkey (voice Eddie Murphy) Shrek goes off to save the princess, who turns out to be a woman with many faces. The previous movie Antz (1998) did quite well in Holland: 100,000 tickets were sold. The superior animation techniques in Shrek were rewarded with 500,000 sold tickets in 2001. Simple stories in the form of computer animations are slowly gaining terrain on traditional cartoon movies."

Tonight 18:40-20:00 (London time) on BBC 1

I enjoyed it very much. Yes I was touched once again. My tears are starting to run quite easily these days. So what? There is reason enough to cry over such a nice movie. Recommended!

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My third column was just broadcast by Gendertalk. It will be available in their archive by next Tuesday. Alternatively (and right now) you can also hear it here:
http://www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/FOOLS3B.mp3.
A transcript of the text is below:

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Fool's Overture
You may have recognized the music I use as an intro for my columns. It is from the song "Fool's Overture" by Supertramp. Why did I pick this? Because I think the song is about late-onset, male-to-female transsexuals.
In the first few lines we hear about a hidden problem. Looking back, everything seems so obvious. But a drastic solution is called for. Listen:

History recalls how great the fall can be
While everybody's sleeping, the boats put out to sea
Borne on the wings of time
It seemed the answers were so easy to find
"Too late," the prophets cry
The island's sinking, let's take to the sky

The drastic solution in our case is of course to transition from living as a man to living as a woman.
If you do that, people will call you a fool. You will lose your pride as a man. You’ll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood. And you’ll have to endure severe pain. But don’t hide! Let the world know you are there, so that your sisters will feel they are not the only ones with this problem:

Called the man a fool, striped him of his pride
Everyone was laughing up until the day he died
And though the wound went deep
Still he's calling us out of our sleep
My friends, we're not alone
He waits in silence to lead us all home

I don't think I can lead home all my transsexual sisters, but I will try to help them if I can.
We all need to grow into our female selves. And that can be difficult:

So you tell me that you find it hard to grow
Well I know, I know, I know
And you tell me that you've many seeds to sow
Well I know, I know, I know

The 'seeds' of course point to the possibility to have children. If you transition you lose your ability to procreate. That's another thing we have to give up.
Oh well, we can go on sobbing about our problems, like the names the kids used to call us at primary school. But we do need a conclusion. How can we get on, what should we do?

Can you hear what I'm saying? Can you see the parts that I'm playing ?
"Holy Man, Rocker Man, Come on Queenie, Joker Man, Spider Man, Blue Eyed Meanie"
So you found your solution? What will be your last contribution?
"Live it up, rip it up, why so lazy? Give it out, dish it out, let's go crazy, Yeah!"

So that's it! Be yourself! Show them who you are! Yell it from the housetops if necessary. They may call you a fool, but you have the right to be yourself and to show that to the outside world.
That's why I make my publications on the Internet. That's why I do this column.

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This wonderful X-mass card was sent to me by our good friend Mark:


Have the courage to look into the mirror every day.
Have the courage to be yourself, you'll be in nobody's way
Have the courage to express yourself, don't swallow your opinion
Have the courage to give yourself, you'll get so much in return
Have the courage to look a little further without concentrating too much on something
Have the courage to start over again, every day

Merel wishes you a courageous 2005

Text and photography: Mark d'Rover 2004
Translation: Evelien Snel

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I can give away my little secret now. I often wrote about the herbs I took before I got 'real' hormones from the VU gender team. But I never told which herbs I took. I was afraid that 'everybody' would go and buy them and they would soon be sold out.
The herb I took was fennel seed. This contains phyto-estrogen and it has been know as a healing herb for centuries. It was often given to women who suffered from menstruation problems. It was also known as a way to stimulate milk production in women who gave breast feeding. (I checked this with the endocrinologist at the VU and he confirmed it. He also said there is just a little bit of this hormone in the herbs.)
It can also help to cure intestine problems. And it suppresses feelings of hunger and the rumbling of the stomach that goes with that. Poor people who didn't have money to buy enough food often chewed on fennel seeds in church to prevent their rumbling stomachs from disturbing the minister's sermon.

An interesting detail is that ten years ago, when I still didn't know what my problem was, Julia bought me some fennel-liquorice-tea. That would help me to find some rest, she said. But I wasn't in for that. In those days I was still trying to be(come) a 'Real Man' and such 'female' drinks didn't fit that image.
But in fact she was very right! I took fennel tea myself many years later and liquorice -- believe it or not -- has effects similar to Androcur: It suppress the male hormones!

For 28 months I have been taking large quantities of fennel tea. Every day I used one box with 38 grams (a little over an ounce) of it. And it has helped me. I made me more peaceful. It helped me get off hashish. And it has feminized my body a very little bit.

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Have you noticed anything yet?

YES I HAVE! The first effect came within a few hours: An odd taste in my mouth. The same happened with Androcur. Apparently this is the first thing you notice when something is changing in your body chemistry.
But more has happened. The first day already I noticed my senses were working better than they used to, smell in particular. I noticed every corridor in the building at work has a different smell. Something has happened to my sight and my hearing as well. It's not that I can see things now I couldn't see in the past. I wish that were true, because I have a very poor eyesight and every little bit would help! No, it is more like I notice details I would otherwise have overlooked.

And something has changed in the way I feel. I was expecting I would be much more emotional, but that is not it. It is more like my conscience has been broadened, something like an LSD-trip, but without the hallucinations... It is as if a window in my head has been opened!
I think I understand now what women feel when they suffer from PMS (pre menstrual syndrome). It is the same I have felt for 44 years, 7 months and days: A shortage of Estrogen in the brain!

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Just like in November, October, September, August, July, June, May and April it was time for T&T.
We didn't have to hurry this time, so we had plenty of time to dress up nicely before we had to leave.

These T&T evenings give me some room for experimenting, because (almost) any clothing is acceptable there.
So I picked a beautiful sexy top I bought more than a year ago. I had never worn it outside my house. It is black with silver glitter and it shows a lot of skin. I made the rest of my clothing, makeup and jewelry match with it, black and silver only, up to and including black nail polish. It would have been very suitable for a Gothic party, but on the T&T evening it attracted quite some attention. Someone said I looked like a 24 year old girl from the back. Yeah, it must have been a bit of a disappointment when I turned around.

For the first time in six months I had to undergo a laser treatment again. This should be the proof that Lipoxome actually works. Judging from the experiment I did a few weeks ago, I was expecting it would. So I was counting on a very painful treatment.
As a precaution the skin therapist had put her laser machine way down low at 33 Joules (in the past I could easily endure 37 Joules). But she was right! Even at this setting it hurt more than ever. Every time a group of hairs was hit, I was shaking in my chair. I got all sweaty and tears came into my eyes. Well, as we say in Dutch: "If you want to look beautiful, you'll have to endure some pain!" Let's just hope it will work...

Fortunately I recover from these treatments quite quickly, so I still had plenty of opportunity to enjoy the evening. I chatted with many people and I danced a lot. Fabulous!

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On Friday it was time again to go to Amsterdam and hear whether I would get the green light for my sex reassignment treatment. We knew the answer would almost certainly be "Yes"...

And indeed it was. But still I was a little disappointed. The event has not given me the smashingly happy mood I was expecting.
Nothing went as I expected it. First I was called in to sign some forms. I also had to do that when I got the yellow light, but now I had to do it again! And in the forms there was a sentence stating December 3rd. would be "the starting date of the treatment". I thought I had already started on August 6th.!
I am afraid this means that my operation will not take place sooner than June 3rd. 2006, because I think they demand a "real life test" period of 18 months at the VU. It is an outrage of course, considering I have been living full-time as a woman since August 2002, that is 28 months already!

After these formalities I was allowed to go to the hormone doctor. I was expecting he would thoroughly examine me and ask many details about the effect the Androcur has had on me. But he didn't do that. Maybe the results of the blood tests are enough for him?
Anyway, we are starting a new phase in my treatment. I will get estrogen in the form of patches. The doctor explained a little about the effects this will have, but of course I knew about those already. That is why I want these hormones! Just like the Androcur this will suppress my male hormones, but other effects will start now. My breasts will grow bigger and the distribution of fat on my body will change. Of course one must have body fat, otherwise there is nothing to distribute.
What I didn't know yet, is that estrogen also affects the hypophysis. The hypophysis yet again! It does have a lot to endure! Under the influence of estrogen it may produce more prolactine, which might lead to some production of milk in the breasts. That is a normal effect, so I don't have to worry if that happens. It is also possible that I'll get growing pains, mainly in the nipples.
Yes, that is all part of the game, if you are a woman...

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My second radio column has just been broadcast by WMBR in Cambridge in the program Gendertalk.

You can also listen to my most recent column (i.e. this one) at www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/BEARDED7.mp3. A transcript of the text is below:

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Bearded Beauties
Yesterday evening it was again time for the monthly T&T-evening (T&T = Transvestism and Transsexuality) in Eindhoven. We have such an evening of the first Saturday of every month in a community building in Eindhoven. There is always a very good atmosphere. For a lot of men these evenings are their very first possibility to dress as a woman and be in the company of other people.
It is difficult to understand why our society makes such a problem of transvestism. This makes the life of transvestites filled with useless feelings of guilt and fear. And we are lucky to live in the Netherlands, because this is a very tolerant country. In the rest of the world there is much more bigotry...
I've had to struggle with the same feelings of guilt and fear, before I 'came out of the closet'. My very first visit to such a T&T-evening was an exciting experience. That was a few years ago already, but every month we get new visitors, who are there for the first time. They can feel safe there and they can meet people who meet the same difficulties in their lives for the first time. Those who are afraid to go outside in female clothing have the opportunity to enter in 'drab mode' and change their clothes inside the building.
All that is not necessary for me anymore, because I've been living as a woman 24/7 for a long time now, but I keep visiting these evenings because of the pleasant atmosphere and the many friends I meet there every time.

Each month the ladies from Medi Skin Care in Volendam are present too. They help us get rid of facial hair by using laser light. That is not cheap, but on these evenings we get a special price reduction. A visit to a normal skin therapist can easily cost you as much as $300, but we get our treatment at half the price!
Of course we discussed the latest plans of our government to take facial hair reduction for transsexual women out of the national health insurance program. These idiots don't know what they are doing!
I think it would be a great idea to have a big demonstration by transsexual women in The Hague by the end of May, when the weather will be fine. We could all dress in light, pretty summer dresses, but forget about shaving and make-up for the day. Or maybe even put on fake beards and moustaches. Let the government see what the results of such a policy are!

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For Gendertalk, this was Evelien Snel from the Netherlands.
Thanks for listening, I hope to join you again in two weeks!

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ZT Hollandia has created a theatre play in co-operation with the famous Swiss director Christoph Marthaler. They had decided to do the most famous Dutch theatre play "Op hoop van zegen" ("Hoping for the best") by Herman Heijermans. This social-realistic drama about the shameless exploitation of fishermen and workers in the beginning of the 20th century was to be examined by this obstinate director. Is it still tenable?
Marthaler's musical theatre plays, opera-settings and adaptations of classics are the building blocks of a unique universe in which space, acting, singing and music interact in ever more surprising ways. It was hoped that directing "Op hoop van zegen" by a foreigner would shed a new light on this play that is so much a part of the Dutch culture. Starring: Raphael Clamer, Fedja van Huêt, Bert Luppes, Chris Nietvelt, Frieda Pittoors and more... Musicain: Clemens Sienknecht. Dutch, German, French and English language will be used. Dutch-language supertitles will be available.

Just like last week the play was preceded by an introduction. Dramaturg Paul Slangen explained how this production was created. He called "Op hoop van zegen" "the one and only Dutch theatre classic". But in contrast with what we heard last week, this play didn't turn out to "remain interesting over more than one generation". Maybe too many generations are between us and Herman Heijermans? Or maybe this is just the subjective impression of Christoph Marthaler. He thought the play was too boring and too old-fashioned.
But there was another Dutch story that inspired Marthaler very much: "The Flying Dutchman". That is the story about captain Van der Decken, who called for help from the devil to round the Cape of Good Hope with his ship. He did round the cape, but the price he had to pay for that is terrible: His fate is to sail the oceans for all eternity on his ghost ship with a dead crew.
That story fits Marthaler's style in theatre making much better. It has to do with the crisis we live in right now. We are confronted with the eternal question of the meaning of life. And with the fact that the past and the future are quite comprehensible, but the "present" is always obscure.
Marthaler looks upon a theatre play like a piece of music, in which calm periods alternate with interesting moments in which a lot of action takes place.
Paul Slangen ended the introduction with the words: "The play will last for two hours and twenty minutes. There will be times when you will be bored. That is intended. Please don't forget to visit the restroom before you go and see this!"

Well, to be honest I wasn't bored for a second! There were so many things happening in this beautiful scenery (designed by Anna Viebrock) which was full of fences, doors, seats, pigeon-holes, a tourniquet, a foot-bridge, a bar, the exhaust of a sewer-pipe and a real ceiling! Actor Bert Luppes rightfully describes it as "an actor's playground" in his rehearsal diary...
We saw (and heard) acrobatics, singing, dancing, comical effects, tragical events. These players know all these disciplines! Fabulous! We also heard the famous line "The fish comes at a high price" form the original play "Op hoop van zegen", so there was still something left of it...

I wasn't able to find a continuous story-line in the play, but that wasn't necessary. From the beginning to the end it was just a delightful event to watch! And I wasn't the only one who enjoyed it: The audience rewarded this with a standing ovation (just like last week's play)!

ZT Hollandia has a beautiful web site, featuring much more information about this play and about their other productions. For opportunities to go and see this play, please visit the Dutch language version of this entry...

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