Diary

Tonight I visited an ezboard for 'Queer Womyn' only. It does allow in transsexual women. As a matter of fact there is a separate forum for 'trans matters' in there. I replied to a message from a transsexual woman in her early twenties who feels so desperate, she wants to end her life.

I shared a personal experience with her, hoping to keep her from making the ultimate mistake. But after I did that I thought: "There might be young transsexuals reading my blog, who are in the same situation." So I will share this with you as well:

"Twenty years ago I felt miserable, lonely, rejected, unloved, a complete failure in anything I tried to do. And I didn't have a clue about what my real problem was.

I decided to end it all. I left my house and went to the railway station on my bicycle. I saw several trains rush by, but I was too chicken to jump in front of any of them.

One hour later I was back home. I could add another failure to my list! I felt even more miserable than before!

Now I am so glad I didn't do it! I would have died without ever knowing why! I have learned so much since then. I still have a lot of pain and problems ahead of me. But I won't give up! Not anymore!"

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This streetcar with the destination "Desire" in New Orleans really exists. In this play it carries Blanche Dubois into the life of her sister Stella. Stella is married to the rough-footed Stanley Kowalski in a relationship that is mainly based on physical love.
Stanley mercilessly unravels the web of fantasies Blanche is weaving around herself. He finds out Blanche has started drinking after her husband's death, has worked as a prostitute and lost her job as a teacher.
Blanche makes a final attempt to get out of her collapsing world by attracting the attention of Mitch, a friend of Stanley's. But Stanley tells Mitch the truth about Blanche and gives her a ticket for the bus to travel back to her home town.
After a series of crises the play ends with a total collapse of Blanche. She is led off to a mental institution. And the men resume their game of Poker as if nothing ever happened.

Text: Tennessee Williams. Director: Léon van der Sanden. Actors: Marie-Christine de Both, Gitta Fleuren, Hans Trentelman en Hans van Leipsig.

"A streetcar named Desire" is a play that every theatre lover should know. It is a real challenge for actors and directors to put this on stage. It is certainly not a simple play.

I would like to start my report at the end this time: The audience rewarded the performance with a standing ovation. I think the actors from theatre group "Het Vervolg" absolutely deserved this. Such a marvelous play, such a beautiful adaptation, such fabulous acting!

Before the play started there was a preview in the foyer. Timothy de Gilde interviewed Hans Trentelman, who plays Stanley. This play is a real 'theatre classic', but what does that mean exactly? A classic is a play that remains interesting over more than one generation.

Timothy talked a lot about the similarities between Tennessee Williams' live and the play. Just like Blanche Tennessee went to New Orleans hoping to start a new life there. But he was a lot more successful than Blanche. He changed his name, openly admitted he was a homosexual and he became a playwright.

In the original play there are 12 characters, but in this adaptation, the number had been reduced to four. Doesn't that harm the play? No, it certainly didn't! Blanche, Stanley, Stella and Mitch are the key-characters in the play. The rest is really only decoration. The encounter between Blanche and the newspaper boy was staged as one of Blanche's fantasies. Why not? Blanche is living in a fantasy world anyway. This fit in perfectly.

Of course the play had become a little shorter than the original. But that only added to the strength. And to the strain it puts on the players. They are constantly active for two hours without a break. And it is even more difficult if it is such a physical play as this one. We have fights, love-making, rape...
Believe me, that is very hard work for the actors. I was also very impressed by the scêne in which Blanche is standing under the shower completely nude, while doing a complicated monologue. It takes a lot of guts and skill to do something like that. I truly admired this!

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I don't think any of you will be traveling to Holland or Belgium to see this play, but if you do look at the agenda in the Dutch language version of this entry. There are still 24 opportunities to go and see this!

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Yes it is true! My first radio column has just been broadcast by WMBR in Cambridge in the program Gendertalk. You can hear WMBR on the Internet. Gendertalk starts every Monday evening at 6 PM EST (Boston time). If you are lucky enough to be in or near Boston you can hear it on 88.1 FM ('first on your dial').

All the programs are kept online in a large archive, where you can hear and download them whenever you like. You can find the archive on the Gendertalk site.

You can also listen to my most recent column (i.e. this one) at www.eveliensnel.nl/audio/INTRO3.mp3. A transcript of the text is below:

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"Evelien's Diary

Follow the day to day ups and downs of a Dutch transsexual woman in her struggle with the world as it is. Transition is the main issue in this diary, but this girl does have a life! Science, theatre, poetry and music will pop up now and then. And so will work and politics...

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Hi, I am Evelien from the Netherlands. I will be doing a column for Gendertalk once every two weeks. In these columns I’ll be sharing some of my experiences with you.

You might ask yourself, why do I publish so far away? Why don't I just make a column on Dutch radio? Well, first of all there is no program on Dutch radio that regularly covers 'GLBT'-issues. We used to have one that was called "Het Roze Rijk" ("The Pink Kingdom"), but it has been stopped due to lack of funding years ago.

And there was an inducement. That was the WMBR fundraising week. For a large donation you can buy one hour of broadcasting time on the station! That made me think. I have been dreaming about making my own radio show in this way for two years, but this year was the first time I could afford the price. And I had thought of a form, that is easier for me to fill in than a whole hour at once: Short columns, yes, diary entries! I have plenty of those available!

So I contacted WMBR and Gendertalk well in advance to find out whether the offer was still valid. I made a demo and sent that to Gendertalk. They thought it was a great idea and Nancy Nangeroni has given me several tips on how to make it sound more professional. By now we both enjoy the idea so much, that a donation wouldn't have been necessary, they want to air my contributions anyway.

But I did make the donation. Let's just say this is the penalty I pay for my lack of self-confidence and my misplaced modesty. I would never have dared to suggest an idea like this if it hadn't been for the fundraising. I shouldn’t have been so shy!

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I used most of my time for this introduction, but I won't leave you without a short example of what my columns will be like. This entry is called:

"Hey, Cool!"

Today at work I met a former colleague, I hadn't seen in four years.
He only knew me as a man so he didn't recognize me in my female outfit. I politely introduced myself as Evelien and told him we had met before. When I mentioned my old name, he immediately remembered me.

Of course I was curious how he would react to me, but I've always known him as an intelligent person and a good sport, so I figured he would take it lightly. And I wasn't disappointed.
"Hey, cool!" he said.
He told me there used to be a lot of gossip around me at [our former employer's]. People just couldn't figure me out. They had the impression I was gay because of my way of talking and gesturing, but that couldn't be, because I was married to a woman.
Of course it is very well possible that someone is gay and married to a woman, but my case turned out to be different. I’m a transsexual...

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For Gendertalk, this was Evelien Snel from the Netherlands.
Thanks for listening, I hope to join you again in two weeks!"

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My little holiday is almost over already. Time sure flies, even more if you sleep 9 or 10 hour every night to recover from over-exhaustion. But today we did something nice again. We wanted to have dinner at a nice little restaurant in Den Bosch. We don't really know that city, so we didn't know where to look for that, so we started on the market place.

A rule of thumb for finding a nice restaurant is the following: Go to a famous street or square and look for a nice little off-street. There you will find it. It worked again this time. In the Kolperstraat we found a small café, where meals are served as well. On the wall is the name "Hof van Holland", but inside everyone just called it "'t Hof".
It was busy, but there was still room for us. The menu offered too much to choose from, but there was also a "Tip menu 't Hof". Usually a dish, that carries the name of the house is very good, so that is what we picked.
As a starter we got a very nice, spicy tomato soup. The main course was fillet of pork with mushroom sauce, served with (Belgian) fries and a fresh salad. For the desert we had a choice between a dame blanche and a coffee. We chose the coffee, but as an extra we got a mini-glass of coffee liquor (Café Marakesh) with whipped cream. Delicious!

Unfortunately credit cards are not accepted, so I had to go outside to find an ATM to be able to pay in cash. Paying in cash does make it easier to leave a tip and so I did.

Speaking about 'tips': Nowadays you won't often see people tipping in Dutch restaurants. And that is understandable, because when we switched for paying in Guilders to paying in Euros, the restaurants took the opportunity to double their prices. Don't tell me it is not true. Ever since we pay in Euros you almost faint when you look at the bill in any hotel, café or restaurant. People don't get in the mood for tipping when they see the amount on the bill. I can understand, but it is not fair for the waiters: They have lost a source of income.

So be nice to them and do give a tip, especially if they have served you well. In the past it was usual to give 10% of the total amount on the bill as a tip, but with the new, double prices 5% will do.
The waiters at 't Hof certainly deserved it!

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I have a week of vacation! No, I am not going anywhere. I am far too glad I can be at home for a change. But a little outing is not a problem. Finally I can find enough rest and peace to do the things I won't allow myself to do in the normal rush of life.
Things like taking a little bicycle tour with Julia. The weather was beautiful today, but it was quite cold. No short skirt or sexy top this time! We put on warm clothes and went out. We live near the edge of Eindhoven, so we only need to go to the end of our street to find ourselves in the forest. Great!


Part of such an outing is of course a pit stop at a baiting-place along the way. So we ended up at "The Leemer Hoef" once again. All tables were already laid for groups they were expecting, but it was still early, so it was not a problem to serve us a little lunch-dish.
The personnel still knew me. Yes, I'm afraid I attract a lot of attention wherever I go. I can't help it. Or maybe they still knew me because I wrote an impressive review about their business the other day...
Anyway, we wanted a nice cup of soup. We were thinking of pea-soup or onion-soup, but those were not on the menu. So we decided to take a "Bound curry soup with apple and coconut cream". A surprising combination that turned out to work very well. Delicious!

All personnel was very friendly as always. The waiter elaborately explained the virtues of the soup to us and the owner of the restaurant stopped at our table for a chat too. He did have to answer the phone very often, because people wanted to make a reservation for that evening. Too late, all places were booked already. If you want to have dinner there, you should make a reservation! Especially if you want to bring your children.
Sometimes people arrive here without a reservation and they may have to wait for a table at the bar. For the children it is not a problem, because they can immediately go to the play room. Of course it is a pity if the parents don't have enough patience to wait and to enjoy their food in a relaxed way. Often they are afraid it will take too long for the children. But that is not necessary at The Leemer Hoef: the children always have a great time and don't even want to leave!

On the way back we suddenly saw a hot air balloon that was flying dangerously low. Was it about to make an emergency landing? We quickly went to look where it landed, but there was no problem. It must have been a normal landing. They put the balloon neatly on the ground on a lawn that was just big enough to let the air out of the balloon and fold it again. And they were just in time too, because the Sun was setting already. I don't think it would be a good idea to keep on flying such a thing after dark. Nice to be able see this from a short distance, I had never seen it before!

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I know, I know: The correct spelling is "Lipoxôme". But I just found out, that because I used the correct spelling in my previous entry about Lipoxome, Google can only find it if the query is spelled with an "ô" as well :'(

I am not allowed to epilate my face now that I'll get another laser treatment next month, but in the interest of science I did pull out a hair. Would the results of my treatments with Lipoxome be visible yet? I should be able to see something black near the root of the hair.

Look at the picture on the left. This hair is 1/4 inch long and 17 microns in diameter. The root is at the top in the picture. I can see very clearly a little black stain near the root. It is a few dozen microns in size. So it works!

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Finally I had another appointment at the VU in Amsterdam with both the psychologist and the endocrinologist. IT was high time, because I've nearly run out of Androcur. But what would be in it for me? Just a repeat recipe or would I get permission to start with Estrogen at last? I am fed up with fumbling with herbs. That works far too slowly...

But today everything went surprisingly fast and easy. Although we were twenty minutes early, I could immediately see my psychologist! We only had a short talk. Of course I had to tell her how I felt under the influence of Androcur. Well, very good, really. It has made me a lot more calm. And my libido has plummeted to nearly zero. Delightful!

But yet she thought I looked rather depressed today. Much less enthusiastic than in out previous encounters. Yes, I do have a lot to endure. I am beginning to understand what it feels like to be discriminated. This does happen at work. Unfortunately such feelings usually cannot be transformed into clear evidence. If that were the case the perpetrator could be prosecuted...

But this will not keep me from moving forward on my path in life! I still want to transition and therefore I want my Estrogen as soon as possible. And... I will get it! On December 2nd. the Gender Team will have its next meeting and it is almost certain I will get permission then. Today I pledged another 35 ml. of blood for tests and my next appointment will be with the endocrinologist (whom I haven't even seen today) on December 3rd.! Then I can take my recipe for Estrogen home immediately.

The light is changing from yellow to green!

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The first Saturday of the month, so... T&T-evening!
Just like in October, September, August, July, June, May and April we headed for community center "De Rondweg" in Eindhoven. We had to be there early, because it was our turn again to do our voluntary work. Julia handles the cash register and I am behind the bar.

It was very busy this evening and the nice atmosphere was just like it used to be. I am glad about that, because in the past few months it hadn't been too busy and it was not as nice as in the past. Maybe it has to do with the season: The autumn is a better time for activities like this than the summer.
Unfortunately there was little opportunity for me to relax and enjoy the evening, because I was very busy behind the bar. We did make a very nice turnover. We collect the coins our guests use to pay for the drinks in a special tray that will hold exactly 500 coins. And I've never before seen it filled up as far as tonight. Nearly 500 drinks sold! And I sold almost all of those by myself, because my colleague was the same girl as in July. I don't want to work together with her any more. She came in late, chatted a lot and left at half past twelve already, at the busiest time of the evening! Fortunately Henna and Julia helped me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to handle all the work.

This month there were also people who wanted to present a product. We often have these demonstrations of T-friendly businesses and products. They can build up a stand in the library where they show their products and give us advice on how to use those. This time there was a lady who sold beautiful hand-made jewelry and there were two ladies who sold skin-care products. I did get a brief opportunity to look at the jewelry. But the skin-care products were packed and gone before I had the time to visit the second stand. Too late! Oh well, never mind...

The ladies from Medi Skin Care were there as well. They do laser treatments to get rid of facial hair. But they cannot help me any more. I quit laser treatments six months ago, because no further improvement seemed possible for me. It only works on colored hairs (because those contain pigment). The laser light works on the pigment in the hairs, destroying the follicles. I used to have a heavy beard consisting of thick, black hairs. The laser worked very well on that. They have achieved very good results on my face. But now I have run out of black hairs and only white ones remain. White hairs don't have any pigment, so they cannot be treated with laser light!
It is no use to paint your white hairs black, because the paint will only reach the surface of your hair, not the follicles deep down in your skin. But now there is a new product: Lipoxôme from Dalton Medicare. According to the producer that does work on the follicle. We will have to see it, before we believe it, but it is worth the try. We we made a deal and I can be their guinea pig. They gave me a bottle of this spray and I will treat myself with that this coming month. Next month I will get a laser treatment again and then we will be able to see whether it really works...

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News Flash:
Now online: An English translation of my photo report on "The Sandbox"
by Edward Albee...

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