English
Nederlands
2004-09-30
Soccer
It is absolutely amazing. I have always hated soccer. And since I have been living as a woman, I have taken even more distance fro this game. Many of my colleagues feel the way. We must be one of the very few companies where soccer is not one of the topics of discussion during the breaks.
But our former employer still owed us a farewell party. Unfortunately they didn't really think of the preferences of the people who were to receive their present, but they gave something they like themselves instead. Tickets for a soccer match!
It is absolutely unbelievable they came with this idea. But then again these are the same people who previously had the 'brilliant' idea of ditching us, so we could have expected anything from them, really...
I always used to keep a safe distance from the stadium when a match was played. Such a large crowd of soccer fans is not the ideal company where a transsexual woman will feel herself at ease. But now I would even have to enter the stadium!
All this felt like another attack on my personal values and preferences. But I didn't want to miss it. After the match there would even be an official farewell reception in one of the sky boxes. So I just had to go.
Of course there is only one way for me to visit any event, including this one: As a woman. I am in my Real Life Test period and living 24/7 as a woman. And I certainly wouldn't want to stop that for an event like this! So I was to go as a woman and clearly radiate my feeling of being a woman and wanting to be treated like one. The most clear way to make that statement is by wearing a skirt. I knew in advance I would probably be the only woman wearing a skirt in the stadium, but I didn't let that bring me off this plan.
Can you imagine me going up twelve flights of stairs surrounded by male soccer fans? It had to happen and so it did. Of course I could hear the occasional remark behind my back. It would be stupid to expect that not to happen. But nobody harmed me or insulted me in any way. It has given my self-confidence a boost!
I was a little lucky with my seat on the gallery. The galleries are very steep and there is nothing in front of you to give you any coverage. So from below you can look straight under the skirts of any ladies who have been stupid enough to wear one. But my seat was exactly above one of the entrances, so there was a nice parapet right in front of me, giving me all the coverage I needed.
Well, now that I have experienced such a soccer game once, I think it is an experience everyone should have had at least once in a lifetime. It is such a huge event! I estimated the crowd at 22,000, but it turned out to be 26,500 people. There is very special atmosphere when so many people come together to look at an event.
It was a boring game of soccer. Not e single goal was scored until a few minutes before the end. Fortunately it was scored by the Dutch team, PSV, so that helped improve our mood. Only the Panathinaikos fans were not amused. The Greeks did try a counter offensive during those last minutes, but is was obviously too late. 1-0 for PSV!
And then the farewell party. The atmosphere in the sky boxes is a completely different one. Heated seats, ashtrays and goodies right at hand, a servant within winking distance. I would have liked a seat over there during the match! But of course then I would have missed the special atmosphere out on the galleries.
As an official farewell party from our former employer I experienced this as way below standard. Normally a farewell party form the company is an event where all colleagues are invited. The leaving employee and his or her spouse are at the center of the party. A personal speech from the boss, presents from the colleagues and a photo book are also standard ingredients in such events.
But nothing like that happened here. Our spouses weren't even invited!
Personally I did have a good feeling about this evening, because I felt it as a great victory that I had had the courage to present myself unambiguously as a woman at an event like this! If I ever go to a soccer match again I will be wearing a pair for trousers, but I am not sorry about the way I presented myself this time. This experience has made me stronger!
But our former employer still owed us a farewell party. Unfortunately they didn't really think of the preferences of the people who were to receive their present, but they gave something they like themselves instead. Tickets for a soccer match!
It is absolutely unbelievable they came with this idea. But then again these are the same people who previously had the 'brilliant' idea of ditching us, so we could have expected anything from them, really...
I always used to keep a safe distance from the stadium when a match was played. Such a large crowd of soccer fans is not the ideal company where a transsexual woman will feel herself at ease. But now I would even have to enter the stadium!
All this felt like another attack on my personal values and preferences. But I didn't want to miss it. After the match there would even be an official farewell reception in one of the sky boxes. So I just had to go.
Of course there is only one way for me to visit any event, including this one: As a woman. I am in my Real Life Test period and living 24/7 as a woman. And I certainly wouldn't want to stop that for an event like this! So I was to go as a woman and clearly radiate my feeling of being a woman and wanting to be treated like one. The most clear way to make that statement is by wearing a skirt. I knew in advance I would probably be the only woman wearing a skirt in the stadium, but I didn't let that bring me off this plan.
Can you imagine me going up twelve flights of stairs surrounded by male soccer fans? It had to happen and so it did. Of course I could hear the occasional remark behind my back. It would be stupid to expect that not to happen. But nobody harmed me or insulted me in any way. It has given my self-confidence a boost!
I was a little lucky with my seat on the gallery. The galleries are very steep and there is nothing in front of you to give you any coverage. So from below you can look straight under the skirts of any ladies who have been stupid enough to wear one. But my seat was exactly above one of the entrances, so there was a nice parapet right in front of me, giving me all the coverage I needed.
Well, now that I have experienced such a soccer game once, I think it is an experience everyone should have had at least once in a lifetime. It is such a huge event! I estimated the crowd at 22,000, but it turned out to be 26,500 people. There is very special atmosphere when so many people come together to look at an event.
It was a boring game of soccer. Not e single goal was scored until a few minutes before the end. Fortunately it was scored by the Dutch team, PSV, so that helped improve our mood. Only the Panathinaikos fans were not amused. The Greeks did try a counter offensive during those last minutes, but is was obviously too late. 1-0 for PSV!
And then the farewell party. The atmosphere in the sky boxes is a completely different one. Heated seats, ashtrays and goodies right at hand, a servant within winking distance. I would have liked a seat over there during the match! But of course then I would have missed the special atmosphere out on the galleries.
As an official farewell party from our former employer I experienced this as way below standard. Normally a farewell party form the company is an event where all colleagues are invited. The leaving employee and his or her spouse are at the center of the party. A personal speech from the boss, presents from the colleagues and a photo book are also standard ingredients in such events.
But nothing like that happened here. Our spouses weren't even invited!
Personally I did have a good feeling about this evening, because I felt it as a great victory that I had had the courage to present myself unambiguously as a woman at an event like this! If I ever go to a soccer match again I will be wearing a pair for trousers, but I am not sorry about the way I presented myself this time. This experience has made me stronger!
2004-09-28
Bus stop
Julia had taken me to work by car, so I had to return home by bus. From a long way away I could hear I wouldn't be alone at the bus stop. There was a guy with a skate board there and he was obviously bored. I knew he was going to bother me. So what should I do? Walk on to the next bus stop? I don't think so!
It turned out to be a seven year old. He was making quite a lot of noise for his age. But now he devoted his attention to me. He was showing off some acts of braveness on his skate board and he told me that soon, on his 8th birthday he would get a new surf board.
Well, I think it was high time he got a new one, because his board didn't look very good any more. The paint had come off at several edges and the bearings seemed to be worn out too, because it wouldn't even roll smoothly down a slope any more.
Of course he was trying to get me to talk, to find out whether I was a man or a woman, but I wasn't in for playing any games, so I even talked to him spontaneously. I said: "I hope one of these new busses will come. A Phileas. I would love to have a ride in one of those..."
"O jeah, the grey ones. Those are okay. No in America I have seen a bus that was all gold-colored..."
After a few minutes of chatting he was convinced I was a man, so he asked: "Why are you wearing women's clothing?"
"Because I like it", I said: "I feel much more at ease like this."
"Ah, so that's why", he said: "You know, on my birthday I will get a surf board with much better wheels!"
Yes, he knew exactly what he wanted. Well, almost. He still had to decide what print he would like most on the bottom side of the board. There was a choice between a print of a motorcycle, jumping a building or a couple of dice. I thought the motorcycle was much more suitable for a surf board and so I told him, but he was still undecided.
Eventually a bus arrived. It was not a Phileas, but a normal, boring city bus. I took it anyway, because all this was taking too much of my time. Today it took me a whole hour to travel the distance I usually do in twenty minutes on my bicycle. But still it was a nice experience to have met this little guy. I can explain what is the matter with me in a few words and that is all he needs to know. Then he switches the subject back to what interests him: Surf boards.
I wish all people were like him!
It turned out to be a seven year old. He was making quite a lot of noise for his age. But now he devoted his attention to me. He was showing off some acts of braveness on his skate board and he told me that soon, on his 8th birthday he would get a new surf board.
Well, I think it was high time he got a new one, because his board didn't look very good any more. The paint had come off at several edges and the bearings seemed to be worn out too, because it wouldn't even roll smoothly down a slope any more.
Of course he was trying to get me to talk, to find out whether I was a man or a woman, but I wasn't in for playing any games, so I even talked to him spontaneously. I said: "I hope one of these new busses will come. A Phileas. I would love to have a ride in one of those..."
"O jeah, the grey ones. Those are okay. No in America I have seen a bus that was all gold-colored..."
After a few minutes of chatting he was convinced I was a man, so he asked: "Why are you wearing women's clothing?"
"Because I like it", I said: "I feel much more at ease like this."
"Ah, so that's why", he said: "You know, on my birthday I will get a surf board with much better wheels!"
Yes, he knew exactly what he wanted. Well, almost. He still had to decide what print he would like most on the bottom side of the board. There was a choice between a print of a motorcycle, jumping a building or a couple of dice. I thought the motorcycle was much more suitable for a surf board and so I told him, but he was still undecided.
Eventually a bus arrived. It was not a Phileas, but a normal, boring city bus. I took it anyway, because all this was taking too much of my time. Today it took me a whole hour to travel the distance I usually do in twenty minutes on my bicycle. But still it was a nice experience to have met this little guy. I can explain what is the matter with me in a few words and that is all he needs to know. Then he switches the subject back to what interests him: Surf boards.
I wish all people were like him!
2004-09-26
Fade to grey
How can it be, that the Dutch comedian Freek de Jonge puts a new, fascinating show on stage every week, while I am not even able to produce a diary entry in that time?
2004-09-18
Pawn
If people feel they are being manipulated and abused, they often say they feel like a pawn in a game of Chess. But still a pawn doesn't have such a miserable life! Take a close look at it: Pawns can only move one way: Forward! And after five or six steps forward they reach the other side of the chess board.
And then they get promoted. Usually to a Queen but minimally to a Knight...
Look at me instead: I need to struggle my way forward step by step, but every now and then, due to circumstances beyond my control, I get moved backward several steps. So who is better off? The pawn or me?
And then they get promoted. Usually to a Queen but minimally to a Knight...
Look at me instead: I need to struggle my way forward step by step, but every now and then, due to circumstances beyond my control, I get moved backward several steps. So who is better off? The pawn or me?
2004-09-14
A blog as a therapy
It's funny, you know. Last night I got the idea to write an entry about how writing this diary helps me to think about things and dealing with them. I call that 'writing it off of me'. But it was already too late to start writing an entry.
I might have forgotten about the whole thing if I hadn't happened to receive this email today:
"I am a student at the Utrecht School for journalism. For school I am working on an article about the effects of writing a diary.
I got the idea to write about this when I read about an investigation British psychologists have done about this. Their conclusion was that people who keep a diary tend to have more physical problems than others. I hope you would be so kind to answer some questions for me to help me write my article.
[list of questions]
Thank you for your time and effort, I hope to hear from you soon."
How is that possible! Those scholarly gentlemen reach the exact opposite conclusion I did! Let me answer the questions one by one:
Funny indeed, sometimes there is an idea in your head and then suddenly something happens that coincides with it! I wasn't sure yet whether I would turn this idea for my diary into a real entry. But when I received this email the answer became very clear immediately!
I might have forgotten about the whole thing if I hadn't happened to receive this email today:
"I am a student at the Utrecht School for journalism. For school I am working on an article about the effects of writing a diary.
I got the idea to write about this when I read about an investigation British psychologists have done about this. Their conclusion was that people who keep a diary tend to have more physical problems than others. I hope you would be so kind to answer some questions for me to help me write my article.
[list of questions]
Thank you for your time and effort, I hope to hear from you soon."
How is that possible! Those scholarly gentlemen reach the exact opposite conclusion I did! Let me answer the questions one by one:
- What does it mean for you to keep a diary?
Writing diaries is sort of a hobby of mine. I also have one in which I record my everyday work in a very detailed way. Often I copy the commands I enter into the computer literally into that diary. Then when I have to do similar work later those notes are a great help.
And then there is the PSP of course, the "Personal Software Process", I wrote about in my blog the other day. That involves keeping detailed records of when I did what and how much time that took. I have to admit that isn't as useful, but I have such a large collection of data it would be a waste to stop recording time. I can always quit that later. - Why did you start keeping a diary?
I started my very first diary on Sunday, July 11th. 1982. That day I had an experience that made such an impression on me, I just had to write it down. [I had met a wonderful person and immediately had a crush, but stupidly, we didn't exchange addresses.] My feelings were so smashing I just had to find a way to let them out. - What do you gain from it? E.g. peace of mind, understanding, outlet, etc.
Exactly! All of that! And also a great feeling of pride and satisfaction, but now I am already answering the next question... - Why did you decide to publish this on the Internet?
That is another story. I like to draw attention. In primary school already I used to take the initiative to do lectures in the classroom, although nobody assigned me to do that. I have been very active in amateur theatre for more than twenty years. Also the bulletin board, I started back in 1985 was kind of a stage for me to express my points of view and interact with my audience. And of course this whole website is something similar. I have many (Dutch language) reports from theatre festivals in here. And I know those are/being read, even by people who are highly regarded in the Dutch amateur theatre world.
But this blog, specifically, is on the Internet because I have seen the example of many other transsexuals who have published their diaries. Reading those has been a great learning experience for me and has given me the courage to start my own voyage on the difficult path from living as a man to living as a woman... - Do you get many reactions?
Not too many. But the ones I get are either good, or nice, or both. "Good" meaning: I notice these entries make people think and raise questions (like in this case). And "nice" meaning I get encouragements from people, that really help me keep up. - Do you have the feeling you are helping other people?
Well, I hope so. I hope my chit-chat can be valuable for others, the way the thing I read from others have helped me. (And are still helping me, because I still read other weblogs of course.) - Do you experience any negative effect from writing about your feelings every day? The British psychologists stated people who write diaries think about their feelings longer than others and that would be the cause of more problems for them. Does that happen to you?
Absolutely not. But... I do not write about my feelings every day. Some times I don't write anything at all. Sometimes I just write a review about a stage play or a TV-show. But when I do write about my feelings, it helps me to deal with them. Only when I have clearly written them down I have finished with them. And then I am able to forget about them. I think it is a good thing to pay attention to your feelings. Especially if you come to a clear conclusion about them. Publishing my entries forces me (in my opinion) to reach a conclusion. An article without a conclusion isn't finished. And that might be what is lacking in the cases these psychologists have been studying. If you just write down how awful you feel and you do that every day, you might very well create your own depression! - What is you opinion on their conclusion?
I disagree with them very much. Several years ago I was seeing a psychologist who even advised me to write diary entries (in a fixed format: Situation -- Thought -- Feeling -- Action) and that helped us to map out my problems.
Funny indeed, sometimes there is an idea in your head and then suddenly something happens that coincides with it! I wasn't sure yet whether I would turn this idea for my diary into a real entry. But when I received this email the answer became very clear immediately!
2004-09-10
Psychologist
Since a few weeks I am going to a psychologist. Fortunately he wants to see outside office hours. So I don't have to stay away from work for this. Many transsexuals have their own psychologist in addition to the counseling from the VU in Amsterdam.
The inducement to start seeing him was I don't sleep very well, but you can imagine most of our talks our about transsexualism.
I think I was lucky to find this particular guy, because he is very critical about this subject. Of course I can do anything I like, but he helps me to think about this very carefully once more. He told me he has already had angry phone calls from the VU gender team in the past, with questions like "What do you think you are doing with our patients?"
But I have to admit he sure has a point with his criticism. The counseling from the VU leaves a lot to be desired. For instance we talked about the fact I am on Androcur now and he asked me: "Do you know what that does to your prostate?" I couldn't answer that one. "You can't? You with your scientific education? You should know such things about the medication you take!"
That's true, so I went to Google and searched for "Androcur effects" and I was startled. First of all, Androcur has been developed as a medicine against prostate cancer. And it interferes with the operation of that gland in a very sneaky way. In a way Androcur is similar to testosterone: It bonds itself to the receptors of the prostate. And it won't let go again! So when a real testosterone molecule comes along, it can no longer bond with that receptor. In that way the prostate is deactivated.
And something similar is happening in the hypophysis in the brain. Yes, that's right! The hypophysis, the organ that is said to have an unusual form in transsexual's brains. I would like the doctors to be able to examine my hypophysis, but this is apparently not possible, while you are still alive. It would be so great if it were possible to prove beyond any doubt that I am a transsexual. It would prove I am not making this up and there is a physical cause for my condition. But if Androcur is already affecting it right now, there is little use to investigate it, even after I'm dead...
And then there is the list of (possible) side-effects of Androcur. I was baffled by the mere length of that! And there are some I can recognize in my own body right now. Like a dry mouth, and an unusual feeling in my tongue. But feelings of depression are mentioned as well.
"When you tell me, you have depressed feelings, and we both know you are on Androcur, what can I do as a psychologist? What is the cause? The Androcur? Or something else? It becomes difficult to tell those things apart!"
Of course he is right again. The VU might have said a little more about the effects of Androcur. And also in other ways they give little support. Imagine my next appointment with the psychologist at the VU is in November... "You should go there every week!"
Well I know, I know, I know. That's why I'm seeing him...
And of course a diminished libido is also a side-effect. But this is one a welcome. So far I feel this as a liberation...
The inducement to start seeing him was I don't sleep very well, but you can imagine most of our talks our about transsexualism.
I think I was lucky to find this particular guy, because he is very critical about this subject. Of course I can do anything I like, but he helps me to think about this very carefully once more. He told me he has already had angry phone calls from the VU gender team in the past, with questions like "What do you think you are doing with our patients?"
But I have to admit he sure has a point with his criticism. The counseling from the VU leaves a lot to be desired. For instance we talked about the fact I am on Androcur now and he asked me: "Do you know what that does to your prostate?" I couldn't answer that one. "You can't? You with your scientific education? You should know such things about the medication you take!"
That's true, so I went to Google and searched for "Androcur effects" and I was startled. First of all, Androcur has been developed as a medicine against prostate cancer. And it interferes with the operation of that gland in a very sneaky way. In a way Androcur is similar to testosterone: It bonds itself to the receptors of the prostate. And it won't let go again! So when a real testosterone molecule comes along, it can no longer bond with that receptor. In that way the prostate is deactivated.
And something similar is happening in the hypophysis in the brain. Yes, that's right! The hypophysis, the organ that is said to have an unusual form in transsexual's brains. I would like the doctors to be able to examine my hypophysis, but this is apparently not possible, while you are still alive. It would be so great if it were possible to prove beyond any doubt that I am a transsexual. It would prove I am not making this up and there is a physical cause for my condition. But if Androcur is already affecting it right now, there is little use to investigate it, even after I'm dead...
And then there is the list of (possible) side-effects of Androcur. I was baffled by the mere length of that! And there are some I can recognize in my own body right now. Like a dry mouth, and an unusual feeling in my tongue. But feelings of depression are mentioned as well.
"When you tell me, you have depressed feelings, and we both know you are on Androcur, what can I do as a psychologist? What is the cause? The Androcur? Or something else? It becomes difficult to tell those things apart!"
Of course he is right again. The VU might have said a little more about the effects of Androcur. And also in other ways they give little support. Imagine my next appointment with the psychologist at the VU is in November... "You should go there every week!"
Well I know, I know, I know. That's why I'm seeing him...
And of course a diminished libido is also a side-effect. But this is one a welcome. So far I feel this as a liberation...
2004-09-06
Speech therapy and MRI
Monday it was time to go to Amsterdam again. After I had worked for some hours (my new employer rents me to the customer 'by the yard'', so every hour counts), we headed for the VU. Today I had to see the speech therapist for the first time. First we just talked about my voice. In the past I thought I had a very timid, childish voice, but over time I learned I also have lower ''registers' available. And I have learned to use those, although I found that quite scary. I didn't feel comfortable with such a base-like sound, but I was trying to be(come) a 'Real Man'' in those days :-( Now I will have to un-learn that again. The speech therapist called this the 'breast resonance' and he showed me how his voice sounded with and without that. I'm afraid it will be quite difficult (and scary again) to get rid of that. The fact that this is a ''resonance' makes it even more difficult. It is similar to a 'sympathy string' on a hurdy-gurdy: You don't touch it, but it does sound along with your voice...
Then the real examination started. He made a video recording of my vocal cords. Those look fine: Very healthy. But of course they have to stay that way. That is why they make such a recording before you start working on your voice and then again six months later to see whether they have remained as healthy as they were (there is a risk I may over-stress them by trying to change my voice in the wrong way).
Then I had to real a little story. Actually it was quite a thrilling story, but unfortunately he had gathered enough information after the first paragraph, so Julia and I are very curious to the rest of the story now.
The measurement results were quite good. It turns out the frequency I use most is 112 Hz. To be recognized as a female, this number will have to be increased to 150 Hz, but that is a frequency I already use too! So it should be possible...
Then there was another voice recording. We went into a 'sound dead' room and there I had to speak a prolonged 'Aaaaah' and an 'Eeeeee'' into the computer. He also demonstrated the difference between 112 Hz and 150 Hz to me. It means I will have to move form a (musical note) A to an E. It sounds easy enough...
And then we had to run to make it to the radiology department in time. They have made a scan of my bones there. They do that with a strong magnetic field, so I could not have any metal on body. I was prepared very well, so I wasn't wearing any jewelry, nor a bra, nor any clothing with a zipper in it. I even didn't eat spinach the day before!
I was expecting an MRI-scan and I think that was what they did, but it was a very mild one. When you think of an MRI-scan you see one of those large machines with a 'tunnel', where your body is shifted through. They also say those machines make a terrible noise. Well it didn't turn out to be that bad. I had to lie down on a normal patient table. Below the table was a large circular drum that probably contained a very strong, superconductive electromagnet. And above the table was a slim, oblong object that must have contained the sensor. Those were couples together and could move along my body. No problem at all. And it didn't make too much noise either, it sounded more or less the same as my own scanner at home...
On the way back we could of course enjoy the rush hour on the A2 again. And of course I wanted to try something different. So this time we took the off-ramp towards Breukelen and used a smaller road for several miles. I was curious whether my former employer, Expograph, would still be situated there, be that was not the case. The whole building was gone! Yes the product we made back then is really outdated by now. If they haven't thought of something new in time, the whole company must have gone bankrupt...
But you don't avoid the traffic jam for long. We now ended up in the centre of Utrecht, which is of course one large traffic jam in the rush hour. And after that, back on the A2 there were several more miles of traffic jam to enjoy...
These are very heavy days! If you go to work first and then on to of that you get all the examinations and the traffic problems, it isn't healthy. My employer thinks he can reduce the time spent on medical leave by stealing away your holidays if it amounts to more than 13.5 hours in a year. Very tough! And when I complain about this, the reply I get is: "Yes, Evelien, we are a commercial company!" Very tough indeed! Let your employees work their butts off! If they end up 'unfit for work', you easily ditch them through a social security law! And by the way, since when does being commercial preclude being businesslike? I would say those words are almost synonyms!
Then the real examination started. He made a video recording of my vocal cords. Those look fine: Very healthy. But of course they have to stay that way. That is why they make such a recording before you start working on your voice and then again six months later to see whether they have remained as healthy as they were (there is a risk I may over-stress them by trying to change my voice in the wrong way).
Then I had to real a little story. Actually it was quite a thrilling story, but unfortunately he had gathered enough information after the first paragraph, so Julia and I are very curious to the rest of the story now.
The measurement results were quite good. It turns out the frequency I use most is 112 Hz. To be recognized as a female, this number will have to be increased to 150 Hz, but that is a frequency I already use too! So it should be possible...
Then there was another voice recording. We went into a 'sound dead' room and there I had to speak a prolonged 'Aaaaah' and an 'Eeeeee'' into the computer. He also demonstrated the difference between 112 Hz and 150 Hz to me. It means I will have to move form a (musical note) A to an E. It sounds easy enough...
And then we had to run to make it to the radiology department in time. They have made a scan of my bones there. They do that with a strong magnetic field, so I could not have any metal on body. I was prepared very well, so I wasn't wearing any jewelry, nor a bra, nor any clothing with a zipper in it. I even didn't eat spinach the day before!
I was expecting an MRI-scan and I think that was what they did, but it was a very mild one. When you think of an MRI-scan you see one of those large machines with a 'tunnel', where your body is shifted through. They also say those machines make a terrible noise. Well it didn't turn out to be that bad. I had to lie down on a normal patient table. Below the table was a large circular drum that probably contained a very strong, superconductive electromagnet. And above the table was a slim, oblong object that must have contained the sensor. Those were couples together and could move along my body. No problem at all. And it didn't make too much noise either, it sounded more or less the same as my own scanner at home...
On the way back we could of course enjoy the rush hour on the A2 again. And of course I wanted to try something different. So this time we took the off-ramp towards Breukelen and used a smaller road for several miles. I was curious whether my former employer, Expograph, would still be situated there, be that was not the case. The whole building was gone! Yes the product we made back then is really outdated by now. If they haven't thought of something new in time, the whole company must have gone bankrupt...
But you don't avoid the traffic jam for long. We now ended up in the centre of Utrecht, which is of course one large traffic jam in the rush hour. And after that, back on the A2 there were several more miles of traffic jam to enjoy...
These are very heavy days! If you go to work first and then on to of that you get all the examinations and the traffic problems, it isn't healthy. My employer thinks he can reduce the time spent on medical leave by stealing away your holidays if it amounts to more than 13.5 hours in a year. Very tough! And when I complain about this, the reply I get is: "Yes, Evelien, we are a commercial company!" Very tough indeed! Let your employees work their butts off! If they end up 'unfit for work', you easily ditch them through a social security law! And by the way, since when does being commercial preclude being businesslike? I would say those words are almost synonyms!
2004-09-05
Education
On Sunday I tried to recover from our 'outing' on Saturday night. But we did take along a guest from the T&T evening who stayed the night in our house. Actually this is a bit too busy for me, but on the other hand it is nice. Ze is a very good friend of ours and we like to have long conversations with hir. And ze certainly needs those, because life isn't easy for hir. Julia is absolutely great in supportive talks with people-with-a-problem and I must be so wise to leave them and go about my own business. Fortunately this works better and better for me all the time.
But ze also had computer related questions, So those had to be answered by me. It is like this: Ze works as a teacher in primary schools and recently ze has found a very special school to work for. This school is not based on a curriculum, that has to be forced down the children's throat, but it is based on the children themselves! That is an idea that takes some getting used to, but it works very well. Especially for children who have been in this kind of education from an early age on. These children get a lot of freedom. They play. And if they want to learn something, the teachers are ready to help them with that.
This is my own experience as well. The best time to learn anything is the moment you want to know it. In college I had a lot of problems to learn foreign languages. Why would I learn these stupid lists of words by heart? To get a good grade at the next examination? Buzz off! I couldn't have cared less!
But when I am reading a story in a foreign language and I coma across a word I don't know, I don't understand the story! That is a moment I want to know something. I look it up in my dictionary and I never forget it again! Because it was important to know for me at time I learned it. That is the way this kind of education works. I think it is great!
But today I was the teacher. Ze asked me to help, because two pupils wanted to learn something about computers. One seemed mainly interested in hardware and the other one in software. So we started to talk about Visual Basic. "That is available for free download?" ze asked. Well, not as far I know! We found it at microsoft.com, but at a price of $109.
However there is a solution, because there is also 'Visual Basic for Applications'. And that is part of all your Office-programs. It is part of Word, part of Excel etcetera. That is enough to program very nice things. And many things that used to be possible with the ancient GWBASIC can still be done in Visual Basic for Applications. So I borrowed hir my old book on GWBASIC.
And then the other pupil, who is mainly interested in the hardware. What can we do for him? Fortunately I had a great comic book on my bookshelf: "Evert en de gestripte Computer" ("Evert and the stripped Computer"). I once got that from a very good friend of mine. I borrowed hir that book as well, although it has a great emotional value to me. It is exactly on the right subject and it is aimed at exactly the right age group. [Now the I write about it, I get very emotional again. This was such a personal gift for Evert, that was so very sweet. And now that Evert is 'dead' and has been 'replaced' by Evelien, it touches me even more.]
Meanwhile I really got into a rattling vein. We have talked a long time about logic circuits and circuits to add two numbers together. There is an 'adder' to add two bits. It consists of an 'exclusive-OR' gate and an 'AND' gate. A 'full adder' also takes an incoming carry into account and consists of two adders and one 'OR' gate. But what are those gates made of? They are made of transistors! And how do transistors work? And what about electron tubes? And how were those invented? This worked exactly like this form of education: I am teaching someone, because ze wants to know things. Fabulous!
Ze told me I could always go to work as a teacher should I get bored with software engineering. And I know. But perhaps, one day, I can combine those two things in one job. That would be even better...
But ze also had computer related questions, So those had to be answered by me. It is like this: Ze works as a teacher in primary schools and recently ze has found a very special school to work for. This school is not based on a curriculum, that has to be forced down the children's throat, but it is based on the children themselves! That is an idea that takes some getting used to, but it works very well. Especially for children who have been in this kind of education from an early age on. These children get a lot of freedom. They play. And if they want to learn something, the teachers are ready to help them with that.
This is my own experience as well. The best time to learn anything is the moment you want to know it. In college I had a lot of problems to learn foreign languages. Why would I learn these stupid lists of words by heart? To get a good grade at the next examination? Buzz off! I couldn't have cared less!
But when I am reading a story in a foreign language and I coma across a word I don't know, I don't understand the story! That is a moment I want to know something. I look it up in my dictionary and I never forget it again! Because it was important to know for me at time I learned it. That is the way this kind of education works. I think it is great!
But today I was the teacher. Ze asked me to help, because two pupils wanted to learn something about computers. One seemed mainly interested in hardware and the other one in software. So we started to talk about Visual Basic. "That is available for free download?" ze asked. Well, not as far I know! We found it at microsoft.com, but at a price of $109.
However there is a solution, because there is also 'Visual Basic for Applications'. And that is part of all your Office-programs. It is part of Word, part of Excel etcetera. That is enough to program very nice things. And many things that used to be possible with the ancient GWBASIC can still be done in Visual Basic for Applications. So I borrowed hir my old book on GWBASIC.
And then the other pupil, who is mainly interested in the hardware. What can we do for him? Fortunately I had a great comic book on my bookshelf: "Evert en de gestripte Computer" ("Evert and the stripped Computer"). I once got that from a very good friend of mine. I borrowed hir that book as well, although it has a great emotional value to me. It is exactly on the right subject and it is aimed at exactly the right age group. [Now the I write about it, I get very emotional again. This was such a personal gift for Evert, that was so very sweet. And now that Evert is 'dead' and has been 'replaced' by Evelien, it touches me even more.]
Meanwhile I really got into a rattling vein. We have talked a long time about logic circuits and circuits to add two numbers together. There is an 'adder' to add two bits. It consists of an 'exclusive-OR' gate and an 'AND' gate. A 'full adder' also takes an incoming carry into account and consists of two adders and one 'OR' gate. But what are those gates made of? They are made of transistors! And how do transistors work? And what about electron tubes? And how were those invented? This worked exactly like this form of education: I am teaching someone, because ze wants to know things. Fabulous!
Ze told me I could always go to work as a teacher should I get bored with software engineering. And I know. But perhaps, one day, I can combine those two things in one job. That would be even better...
2004-09-04
Boring
Like every month (see also August, July, June, May and April) we went to the T&T evening again, but this month I was not as enthusiastic as usual. It hasn't been very busy on these evenings the past couple of months. This probably has to do with the holidays, but those should be over by now, shouldn't they?
Probably it is at least in part my own fault, but I was bored to death from 9 PM until 11 PM. Then, from 11 PM until 1 AM, I felt terribly lonely. I can't explain why or how, but I just wasn't able to make contact with anyone. I kept on looking at the clock, hoping it would be time to go home soon, but it wasn't yet.
The final hour, from 1 AM until 2 AM, something was different. I suddenly felt good again and I did have some nice chats. Just in time, because I began to get the feeling I wouldn't want to com at all next month...
Probably it is at least in part my own fault, but I was bored to death from 9 PM until 11 PM. Then, from 11 PM until 1 AM, I felt terribly lonely. I can't explain why or how, but I just wasn't able to make contact with anyone. I kept on looking at the clock, hoping it would be time to go home soon, but it wasn't yet.
The final hour, from 1 AM until 2 AM, something was different. I suddenly felt good again and I did have some nice chats. Just in time, because I began to get the feeling I wouldn't want to com at all next month...
2004-09-01
Sold!
Today we have finally sold the house where I have lived for two years all by myself. This is the house where my transition from living as a man to living as a woman took place. It was my intention to start living as a woman there from day one, but that didn't turn out to be so easy.
I needed some time to live alone and experiment at my leisure with the way I could present myself as a woman. All in all it took a year before I was living full-time as a woman. I have gone through a lot of experiences in this house and over time a strong emotional bond to it has grown in me.
I was so glad, when I had bought it! My own house, my place under the Sun. And nobody around to hold me back from anything. I needed that freedom. And time...
But by now Julia and I have been living together again for over a year. This goes very well, now that I better understand my feelings and how I want to live. So suddenly, this house became a burden. It costs a lot of money. Two mortgages, double taxes etcetera...
So now we are glad we got rid of it. But it does hurt a little. I have so many memories in there.
We celebrated this by, you know us, dining out. We had found another restaurant again, "Juffouw Tok" ("Miss Cluck"), and it turned out to be an excellent choice. I used to pass by it every day when I went to work on my bicycle from my old house and I liked the name so much, that I was very curious to have dinner there one day.
They specialize in... Chicken of course! "Chicken Piri Piri" to be more exact. That is chicken marinated in a sauce made of African peppers and some secret ingredients, which is then roasted in a charcoal oven. Our menu also consisted of a delicious, spicy onion soup, a fresh salad of raw vegetables, good French fries and a desert made of ice cream, egg-nog, whipped cream, strawberry sauce and chocolate.
The red wine of the house is mild and fruity.
It is a known fact you can eat chicken with your hands, but how do you clean your hands when you've finished? A solution for that was provided as well in the form of a wet refreshment towel, that was neatly packed and came with the cutlery.
If you happen to come to Holland, you should try this restaurant!
© 1985-2006 E.G. Snel
