Diary

Last week I told you about the Dutch webring for all T's and I wrote about 'boxing people in'. Well, the interview I wrote about is available for download now. Gendertalk introduces it as follows:
"The word "Genderqueer" has been cropping up a lot recently, and seems to be taking hold with a lot of people. Transgender and genderqueeer activist Taryn Levitt, founder of the Boston-based group "Beyond Binary" (and a San Francisco GQ group before that), talks about what it means to him to be genderqueer, and how that outlook informs his activism."
The audio download is available in MP3 and in Real Audio format on the program #470 page. The interview starts at 28 minutes and 42 seconds in the program and lasts for 29 minutes.

It is not a co-incidence that the logo next to the introduction is very similar to the ring logo...

Of course all of you have already heard Julia and me being interviewed in Gendertalk, or have you? That one is on the program #449 page. It starts at 36:03 in the program and lasts for about 27 minutes.

Gendertalk introduces this as: "Julia Rubingh & Evelien Snel, a married couple who split up as Evelien transitioned to living as a woman, then later reunited, discuss their evolving relationship."

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It's fifteen after ten when Evelien gets out of bed
She looks into the mirror and she takes a cigarette
She's strolling through the room and she takes a peek outside
She's brushing her nice teeth and she's putting on her dress
"Sugar", she says and she smiles her brilliant smile
She's drinking orange blossom and she's eating toasted bread
"Sugar", she says and she smiles her brilliant smile
She's drinking orange blossom and she's eating toasted bread

It's ten plus thirty five when I'm ringing on her bell
She's laughing as she opens and I smell the sweetest smell
It's ten o'clock plus forty as we cuddle on her bed
She's opening a bottle and we're playing Medecine Head
"Do it", she says and she smiles her brilliant smile
She makes my body drunk and all the colors turn to red

It's fifteen after three when we plunge into her bath
We're playing in the water and we're splashing all around
Reclining in the water and enjoying scented foam
Were searching in the water for the plug that I mislaid

"Soap", she says and she smiles her brilliant smile
She's washing me "you're dirty" and she has a real good time

It's fifteen before five when we kiss and I go home
"You know, I love ya darling", let's please do this soon again
It's fifteen after five when the husband returns home
His brain is o so tired, there's a plug in both his ears
"Love", she says and she does her smile again
She gives a little kissy and she thinks "You stupid man"

Till fifteen past eleven they are watching some TV
There's nothing to discuss over a final cup of tea
And since he's getting tired they are getting into bed
Sleep well, my love, good night, the alarm clock has been set
"Fire", she thinks and she takes a cigarette
The guy already snoring so she's reading some in bed
"Fire", she thinks and she takes a cigarette
The guy already snoring so she's reading some
mmmmm... in this delightful bed

Text: Bert de Coninck
Translation: Evelien Snel

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I am not talking about Marc Dutroux. Nor about that other serial killer, who turned out to be even worse, who was discovered only days after Marc had been put safely and permanently behind bars.
No, I am talking about a nice little pussy. She's rather small for her age. She loves to cuddle or sit on your lap.
But she does bring a mouse or a rabbit or a bird every night. She likes the rabbits the most.
I am starting to get used to this a little already, but I hate this. And there is nothing we can do to save the preys. I know this is nature. But there is no need for her to hunt. She can get as much food as she likes. But this is her instinct. Fortunately she also eats her prey completely. She only leaves the parts she doesn't like. Like the guts of the rabbit. Those are full of plants of course, she doesn't like plants. And the other day we found one of the eyes of a rabbit. She ate one, but apparently, she didn't like it, so she left the second eye behind...

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Wow! I was writing about being 'boxed in' just today!
Gendertalk is talking about just this subject today!
It will be available for download next week...

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"De Nederlandse T-Krans" (The Dutch T-Party) is a webring of pages from Dutch language T's.

But what is a webring and what is a "T"?

A webring is a co-operation between people who have an Internet site. They all want more visitors and a webring can help. If you join a webring, you'll have to obey some rules. The most important rule is that all members of the ring have to make links to the other members (through a server). That way visitors on your page can easily surf to their pages as well. And vice-versa.

I you want to explain what a "T" is, you'll have a difficult time.
First of all "T" is an abbreviation of course. Or three abbreviations in one, really: TS, TG and TV. Where TS stands for TransSexual, TG means TransGender and TV is for TransVestite. All these terms are 'boxes' people try to use to categorize others. In general I am opposed to putting people in boxes. Whether you mean it literally or figuratively you are always 'boxing them in'. Oddly enough, many people also try to put themselves in such boxes. Maybe it is because they feel it makes them part of some community?

I will not define the terms transsexual, transgender and transvestite here. As long as we keep these terms vague, nobody will feel offended because I have a different opinion about their 'box' than they do.
For the webring it does not matter:
All Dutch language T's are welcome. That prevents a lot of discussion.
Unfortunately you people who can only read this English version text cannot join. I'm sorry. But there are plenty of good T-oriented webrings out there.
We have the Global TransGendeRing which is the oldest and largest T-webring around. I am also a proud member of .:Androgyn Art & Writing:. (T-Diaries)...

P.S. Just a remark on the ring logo. This symbol is used world wide by many T's. It is 'Public Domain', so anyone can use it. Much more about that can be found on the Gendertalk website.

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The theater group Oostpool from Arnhem in The Netherlands will play "Het Behouden Huysch" today and tomorrow on the Wilhelminaplein in Eindhoven.
"Towards the end of the sixteenth century captain Willem Barentsz gets stuck with his ship and his crew in the ice near Nova Zembla. History recalls the terrible experience these guys had while they had to stay on Nova Zembla all winter. It has made them famous (and dead).
A gale is blowing, the wind chill is chilling and supplies are running out. The men are advised not to cry, because the tears will freeze in your eyes. They experience heavy depressions, severe accidents, blossoming love and disgusting smells. Booze, singing saws and primitive songs are the only entertainment available. A world of men among themselves. Or is it? Is there a female stowaway?"

The play has been performed on the famous Oerol festival on the isle of Terschelling and the group is now on tour on the mainland.

Director: Ted Keijser - Text: Peer Wittenbols - Actors: John Buijsman, Flip Filz, Remco Melles, Anne Martien Lousberg, Folmer Overdiep - Music: Wim Selles and Jasper Boeke.

11:10 PM

I just came home after watching this play tonight. I was really impressed. This is a wonderful play and the acting is great. The roaring of the polar bears and the howling of the wind make you shiver. It is full of hilarious effects, touching scenes, beautiful images and impressive music.

The audience rewarded this performance with a standing ovation and I think these guys deserved it!

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Tomorrow the girl next door will have her first birthday. It will probably be a big party! Her mother has decorated the garden with 365 balloons. She has been pumping for hours! I don't think this event will be repeated next year with 730 balloons...
 

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It is actually true, you know. I will get the green light for my treatment. To begin that I will have to be examined of course. I had to appear 'sober' today to deposit some samples of blood and urine. So what is sober? I understand I shouldn't come drunk, but what else? Well, there are very clear instructions: After 8 PM no more food and only water or tea to drink. The next morning pee as usual and after that start collecting the urine in a bottle. They gave me a bottle that would have been large enough for an elephant...
So I had a sober evening on Sunday...

And I didn't get much sleep. This is not nice. Oh, don't tell me: There is much worse ahead of me. Well I know, I know, I know...

In the morning I peed as usual and then started drinking water as prescribed. Of course I didn't have to go again right away, so I headed for the VU in Amsterdam with an empty bottle. This time, I had to report at 'Reception desk P', but it turned out I was in the wrong place...
There was another lady ahead of me. Her name on the form didn't match the name on her punch card.
"Yes, I do have a new punch card."
"Shall I change your name on the form too, then?"
"Oh yes, please do..."
"OK, no problem..."

Then it was my turn.
"No form? O, I'm sorry, we can't help you then. We wouldn't know what to do..."
So I went to the gender team room to get myself a form. On the way there I felt that I finally needed to pee, so I made a pit stop in the toilet. I managed a pitiful 200 milliliter, hardly covering the bottom of the bottle...

In the gender team room I was reassured immediately: "No, sweaty, you should always come to us first. Your form is here, ready and waiting for you. And you'll also get your new punch card..."
Punch card? You know, this is for real! I am definitely getting the green light!

Armed with my new punch card and my form, I headed back to the 'P' reception desk...
"OK, have a seat, ma'am, it will be your turn in a few minutes."
And it went very quickly indeed. It was my turn within five minutes.
Of course taking a blood sample is standard procedure, but it is handled very seriously. Everybody gets a new needle. And the nurse is wearing rubber gloves...
Looking at my form, she pulled out one test tube after another. Yes, there were many tick marks on my form, but not every box was ticked!
So there were seven test tubes to fill with 5 ml. (I will not continue to write that in full) of blood.
The 200 ml. of urine turned out to be sufficient as well, so that was it. A tally of 235 ml.

Then I went back to the gender team to make an appointment with the endocrinologist, Professor Goore, on August 3rd.
Yes, he is still at work there. When we first met, I was expecting this to be our last encounter as well, but he hasn't retired yet. Based on today's test results he will prescribe the best medication for me...

When I got home Julia pointed me to an interesting sale offer for a hardwood garden seat at Blokker's department store on sale for $60 instead of $120. That is good! We wanted something like this! So we went to Blokker's, but these benches looked quite large, so I left Julia behind there and went home to take out the back seat of the car first...
Maybe I shouldn't have left her alone at the department store, because there were so many more beautiful products on sale... Anyway, we left the shop with not only the seat, but also four chairs and a table all made of the same wood and with matching pillows!
Did we save money, because the stuff was on sale, or did we buy on impulse and spend more than we should have? I don't know. What I can tell you is it feels quite cool to sit on one of these chairs and overlook the rest of your hardwood (FSC-approved) garden furniture.

So all of a sudden, we had some old garden furniture to spare and Julia took it to a friend of ours, who can use it very well. And while she was gone, another friend called. She has been to the VU last Friday and she is making good progress. Her breasts are growing like scarlet beans! The doctor said this is probably a Dutch record. And I can see it myself. It looks like she has managed to grow an A cup within three months...
When I told her about my shedding of blood and urine, she immediately concluded that I must have the green light and she congratulated me. You see? There you have it again! It is definitely true!

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I just saw "Trading Places" on Veronica TV.

My TV-guide announced it as the film of the day and not without reason: "USA 1983. Director John Landis (The Blues Brothers) very successfully entered a field that had been trodden by Hollywood since the thirties. Trading Places is a mixture of films like Hoi Polloi by The Three Stooges (1935) and The prince and the pauper (1937, after Mark Twain's novel). It is therefore a rightful honor that two actors who were already famous in 1983 play very important characters Trading Places. Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche are Randolph and Mortimer Duke, two filthy rich seniors, who decide to have a bet to settle their on-going 'nature versus nurture' discussion. They swap their employee Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd) for some poor beggar off the street (Eddie Murphy) to see whether Winthorpe descends to criminality and the beggar can handle the option trading business. Anyone who owns a TV-set has probably seen some shots of the juicy comedy that arises out of this situation. Ameche, Bellamy, Aykroyd and Murphy are often praised for their sharp acting in Trading Places, but it were the co-starring actors Jamie Lee Curtis as a 'hooker with a heart of gold' and Denholm Elliott as the butler who won a British Academy Award."

This is one good movie. The plot is strong and funny. And we see beautiful camera work, together with fitting music. Also the acting is outstanding. Go and see this! Just sit back, relax and enjoy. Recommended!

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Today we held a 'braai'. That is what a barbecue is called in South Africa. In South Africa we also discovered a very useful device for barbecuing: The Scottelbraai! In the Kruger wild resort these were to be found at every picnic spot. (And there was also personnel to clean it for you afterwards...)
It is a very simple device. You screw a tube on top of a camping gas tank. On top of that you mount the burner (which looks similar to the largest burner on the stove in your kitchen). The burner is protected from the wind by a metal housing. On top of that you put a frying-pan, not unlike a wok, only more flat. You can fry virtually anything on that, just like on a barbecue.
But now we have bought an accessory to our Scottelbraai. Instead of the pan you mount two metal plates above the burner, which distribute the heat and catch the dipping fat. And on top of that you put a grill. Voilá: Real barbecuing. But without the dirty charcoal, without smoke and without difficulties lighting the fire. Great!

Our guests were all amateur actors. We call our group 'De Restantjes' ('The Remainders'). That is because we used to be one half of a community theatre group in the past. One bad day a heavy disagreement started within our club and half of it, including the board, decided to quit. People have tried to explain to me again and again what this fight was all about, but I keep forgetting. It must have had something to do with people who work very hard for the club, without getting any recognition, while others, who did nothing, were full of criticism and knew how to do everything better. Isn't it always like that?
We allowed the other half of the club, who wanted to continue, to keep on using our club name and we became 'The remainder(s)'...

It is a lot of work to host so many guests. But afterwards, you get a satisfied feeling. All of the girls said they had a great time. (Since I count myself as a female, 'De Restantjes' have only one male member left and unfortunately, he was not able to be with us tonight)...

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Finally it was time for my appointment with de VU psychologist, that had been postponed last time.

Of course I could write about Rudy, who took the initiative of suggesting a detour 'due to relevant breaking traffic information' and withdrew that advice later on, because the traffic jam on the A2 had dissolved already.

Or I could write about my increased self-confidence, that gave me the courage to go to the VU without filling up my bra for the first time. My herbal hormones are starting to produce a noticeable result...

But today only one thing is really worth mentioning: I will get the green light from the VU! My case has already been discussed in a smaller group within the gender team and the conclusion was clear: I can start the hormone treatment. This will only officially be decided in the team meeting of the whole team on Thursday August 5th., but my psychologist and the leader of the gender team are so convinced about the outcome, that I can already start with the physical examinations that have to be done before the prescription of hormones!

In the beginning I will only be getting Androcur. I got a little angry about that, but the psychologist explained, that this is the standard procedure for 'late onset' transsexuals. These cases are handled very carefully, because the only people who (sometimes) regret their operation afterwards are the 'late onset' transsexuals.
So several months will pass before I get my Estrogen, but Androcur is a good start! I can remember I was angry about the gender team policy to never prescribe Estrogen without Androcur in the past. But I think part of that anger was due to the fact that I did want to grow breasts in those days, but I didn't want the operation yet. I wasn't ready for that, yet. If you only want breasts, you don't want Androcur: It destroys your male sexuality without giving anything in return.
But now I have a different opinion.: I think a reduction of my libido will help my find rest and peace in my life. I have seen the effects Androcur has had on other people and they all have become more balanced and more peaceful due to the disappearance of that terrible driving force within your body and your mind, that flogs up males to do the strangest things to become the 'top dog' in their group...

I am very glad, but at the moment I can hardly believe it is all true!!!

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Today one of our transsexual friends came over for a visit. She needs some support from time to time because of the difficulties she finds on her path from living as a man to living as a woman. As a matter of fact she is ahead of me in this process: She has been on hormones prescribed by the gender clinic in Amsterdam for three months now. This week she has to make another visit there for the first talk with the psychologist in this phase of the treatment and to have her hormone levels checked.

But if you look at her, you wouldn't expect her to be ahead of me. She is too afraid to wear any clothing that is unambiguously female. Dark colors, trousers instead of skirts, very butch shoes, black socks and a blue jacket that didn't show the slightest sign of femininity.

We try to push her to come out as a woman more clearly, but every time someone glances at her in an unfriendly way, she looses courage and switches back to the same boring old clothing. We have made our point very clearly this time: We like to support you, but you must really work on your presentation. It is a threshold you need to pass. I have done that too.

I hope, we have been able to give her some positive energy...

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It was the first Saturday of the month, so it was time for a T&T-evening again (see also June, May and April). It was also my turn to stand behind the bar again and that was even heavier than last time.

A large part of the time there was nobody to help me. My colleague arrived late and started by taking a lot of time to work on her make-up. She also has less experience in the work behind the bar. I even needed to explain to her that you don't use a tea-towel to clean the bar! The tea-towel is intended to dry the glasses, so that those are shining and perfectly clean for the guests.

She also used a lot of time to chat with the guests. In itself this is not a bad thing of course, but there is also practical work to be done! She was having an elaborate conversation with two experienced transsexuals who are far ahead of me in their process of transition. It seemed a very interesting discussion to me, so when it was not so busy, because there were no customers to serve for a while, I tried to join in with this conversation.

Guess what? They used this opportunity to order drinks for themselves from me! Of course I served them patiently and politely, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I left my place behind the bar and joined in with our guests, to be able to have a chat myself. And I didn't return to my work until I had seen she was now obliged to serve several customers herself. I decided she had been punished enough by then and I returned to my work.

All in all an evening like this is of course not very nice or useful for me. I don't really mind that. I think these evenings are useful and important for our guests. And I remember they have been very useful for myself in the past. That is why I gladly volunteer for this work to help others. Having said that, I'm still very glad I don't have to work at the bar every month!

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Diane Wilson has an excellent site on transgender issues named Differently Gendered. It not only features her own story, but also the Gianna Israel Gender Library. Gianna Israel is a therapist who provides counseling services to the transgender community. She also publishes articles on transgender issues, many of which are available on Diane's site.

I have already spent several hours surfing it!

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