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2004-04-28
The fourth appointment
Yesterday I went to the VU in Amsterdam for already my fourth appointment with the psychologist of the gender team. She is now really starting to work on my history, to get a complete picture of me. There is so much to tell of course. Yesterday I have started with one of my very first memories. I was about three years old and I was riding my little sleigh on a sunny day in the snow. But I had a headache and the light hurt me.
Yes, a headache caused by stress, such a little child! I still have those headaches.
But I would rather have shown clear examples of how I felt like a girl already when I was a toddler. Well, I don't have those. I didn't even know about boy and girls when I was that age.
So should I lie and tell them the standard-story of a transsexual? I don't think so! I want my case to be examined to the bottom in an honest way. Should the VU decide to refuse me an SRS, I can always see what to do next. But I really don't expect them to do that. I always feel a very positive atmosphere there and from the very first visit (the first intake, with Professor Goore(!) ), I have the idea that nobody there doubts my gender dysphoria.
Which leaves one question to be answered: Is an operation the best solution for me?
Yes, a headache caused by stress, such a little child! I still have those headaches.
But I would rather have shown clear examples of how I felt like a girl already when I was a toddler. Well, I don't have those. I didn't even know about boy and girls when I was that age.
So should I lie and tell them the standard-story of a transsexual? I don't think so! I want my case to be examined to the bottom in an honest way. Should the VU decide to refuse me an SRS, I can always see what to do next. But I really don't expect them to do that. I always feel a very positive atmosphere there and from the very first visit (the first intake, with Professor Goore(!) ), I have the idea that nobody there doubts my gender dysphoria.
Which leaves one question to be answered: Is an operation the best solution for me?
Disasters
Today we had a very heavy rain.
"That's nice", I thought: "This will finally fill up my water-butt."
Well it didn't! The hardwood garden-tile was completely splintered. The water-butt had fallen through the 'table' and all the water had run out.
I also made the stupid mistake of leaving the window in the roof open. So my bed is now completely soaked and the attic floor was flooded.
OK, why not? As if I don't have enough to deal with already!!!
"That's nice", I thought: "This will finally fill up my water-butt."
Well it didn't! The hardwood garden-tile was completely splintered. The water-butt had fallen through the 'table' and all the water had run out.
I also made the stupid mistake of leaving the window in the roof open. So my bed is now completely soaked and the attic floor was flooded.
OK, why not? As if I don't have enough to deal with already!!!
2004-04-25
Concrete
OK, I have cast my concrete!
Ingredients: 21 kilo of gravel, 14 kilo of sand, 7 kilo of cement and water.
Preparation: Put everything into a hod and stir it well.
Serving: In a hole in the ground, measuring 26x26x36 cm.
Garnishment: The foot of a clothes-dryer.
This was another 'nice' job. First I had to destroy the very neat pavement in our backyard on the spot where we wanted to put our clothes-dryer. Then I had to dig a hole of 26x26x36 cm, but I had to go a little deeper, because afterwards, the pavement would have to be on top of it.
I didn't have a hod or anything else that was big enough, so I decided to do it bucket-by-bucket. Stirring was a problem too: Much too heavy! A mixer (no, not from the kitchen) was needed! For that you have these big 'rods', that you can put into your power drill. It worked! The machine got a bit hot and started to smell funny, but it has a torque-limiter right? And that activated many times. But it should be able to handle that, right?
It became a mess: Soon there was concrete all over the place. I should have used a deeper bucket of course. You always do that if you use the mixer in the kitchen! Then I just threw everything into the pit and stirred it there. That was better.
And then for the garnishment. The foot had to be exactly on the right spot, perfectly level with the pavement and perfectly vertical! But the stupid thing floated in the concrete. Every time I had it positioned, it started to rise slowly out of the concrete. Archimedes told me, that I had to make the foot as heavy as the amount of concrete it should move. So I put a stack of tiles on it and on top of that my water-level.
It has worked! This afternoon, when we arrived home, the foot was exactly vertical, perfectly level and firmly fixed in the concrete. Now just repair the pavement. Pfffff, what a weekend...
Ingredients: 21 kilo of gravel, 14 kilo of sand, 7 kilo of cement and water.
Preparation: Put everything into a hod and stir it well.
Serving: In a hole in the ground, measuring 26x26x36 cm.
Garnishment: The foot of a clothes-dryer.
This was another 'nice' job. First I had to destroy the very neat pavement in our backyard on the spot where we wanted to put our clothes-dryer. Then I had to dig a hole of 26x26x36 cm, but I had to go a little deeper, because afterwards, the pavement would have to be on top of it.
I didn't have a hod or anything else that was big enough, so I decided to do it bucket-by-bucket. Stirring was a problem too: Much too heavy! A mixer (no, not from the kitchen) was needed! For that you have these big 'rods', that you can put into your power drill. It worked! The machine got a bit hot and started to smell funny, but it has a torque-limiter right? And that activated many times. But it should be able to handle that, right?
It became a mess: Soon there was concrete all over the place. I should have used a deeper bucket of course. You always do that if you use the mixer in the kitchen! Then I just threw everything into the pit and stirred it there. That was better.
And then for the garnishment. The foot had to be exactly on the right spot, perfectly level with the pavement and perfectly vertical! But the stupid thing floated in the concrete. Every time I had it positioned, it started to rise slowly out of the concrete. Archimedes told me, that I had to make the foot as heavy as the amount of concrete it should move. So I put a stack of tiles on it and on top of that my water-level.
It has worked! This afternoon, when we arrived home, the foot was exactly vertical, perfectly level and firmly fixed in the concrete. Now just repair the pavement. Pfffff, what a weekend...
2004-04-21
An important day
Today it was an important day. Not only was it our 16th. wedding anniversary, but I also had my 3rd. appointment at the gender clinic at the university hospital in Amsterdam.
These appoinments at the gender clinic have so far been a bit of an anti-climax and today was no exception. Today I was there for "The Interview", as they call it. So what's that? It turned out to be a sort of standard screening for mental illnesses known as "DSM IV". So you get questions about fears, depressions, substance abuse, manic behaviour etcetera...
I think it turned out, that I am not as crazy as I might have thought. I do have a long history of depressions and excessive use of hash and alcohol. And I still do drink too much. But of course I have been walking around with a big problem inside me all my life and for a long time I haven't been able to pinpoint what my real problem was. In the past two years, now that I have started to work on my gender dysphoria, my situation has only improved.
After this, it was time for a little celebration of our anniversary, so on the way back we stopped at the nice little restaurant "Kiekerjan" (= "Scare-crow") in Eindhoven and had a wonderful dinner!
These appoinments at the gender clinic have so far been a bit of an anti-climax and today was no exception. Today I was there for "The Interview", as they call it. So what's that? It turned out to be a sort of standard screening for mental illnesses known as "DSM IV". So you get questions about fears, depressions, substance abuse, manic behaviour etcetera...
I think it turned out, that I am not as crazy as I might have thought. I do have a long history of depressions and excessive use of hash and alcohol. And I still do drink too much. But of course I have been walking around with a big problem inside me all my life and for a long time I haven't been able to pinpoint what my real problem was. In the past two years, now that I have started to work on my gender dysphoria, my situation has only improved.
After this, it was time for a little celebration of our anniversary, so on the way back we stopped at the nice little restaurant "Kiekerjan" (= "Scare-crow") in Eindhoven and had a wonderful dinner!
2004-04-20
Around the block
Fiona Jameson has a very nice page about her first time out on the street.
So what about my first time? I'm not sure. I forget which outing came first. But I do recognise a lot in Fiona's story...
So what about my first time? I'm not sure. I forget which outing came first. But I do recognise a lot in Fiona's story...
2004-04-19
Hooted
Today I was hooted at again. It happens so often. But this time it was a group of girls who did it. That is unusual. Normally it will be groups of boys in the age of about twenty. It figures: There is no better way to proove your own masculinity, then by bashing someone who is less male than you are...
But girls don't usually do that. But well, they were in a group and they were the wrong age. So they did it anyway. Women's liberation at work... :-(
But girls don't usually do that. But well, they were in a group and they were the wrong age. So they did it anyway. Women's liberation at work... :-(
2004-04-12
A man's job
I have done a man's job today.
The work had to be done, I couldn't escape.
In our back yard, we have a water-butt with a tap at the bottom.
But if the water-butt is on the ground, it is impossible to use it to fill a watering-can.
So I put it on a little 'table'.
I put four poles of one meter long halfway into the ground and on top of that I put one square hardwood garden tile.
I shortened the rain-pipe by half a meter and put the water-butt on the 'table'...
Easy enough!
Or is it?
I really hate this kind of work.
We had rented a large hammer to drive the poles into the ground.
It is difficult to use such heavy equipment. It felt like it weighed more than 20 pounds.
But it didn't. I put it on the scale and it was 'only' 10 pounds.
Such tools scare me. I am glad the job is done now and no accident has happened.
Well, I did break a nail, but that was while carrying a bag of cement.
Yes, I will be casting concrete one of these days.
But that will be another story...
The work had to be done, I couldn't escape.
In our back yard, we have a water-butt with a tap at the bottom.
But if the water-butt is on the ground, it is impossible to use it to fill a watering-can.
So I put it on a little 'table'.
I put four poles of one meter long halfway into the ground and on top of that I put one square hardwood garden tile.
I shortened the rain-pipe by half a meter and put the water-butt on the 'table'...
Easy enough!
Or is it?
I really hate this kind of work.
We had rented a large hammer to drive the poles into the ground.
It is difficult to use such heavy equipment. It felt like it weighed more than 20 pounds.
But it didn't. I put it on the scale and it was 'only' 10 pounds.
Such tools scare me. I am glad the job is done now and no accident has happened.
Well, I did break a nail, but that was while carrying a bag of cement.
Yes, I will be casting concrete one of these days.
But that will be another story...
2004-04-09
A good advice
Many years ago, when I worked as an apprentice electrician at a shipyard, someone dropped a lamp. I stepped forward to catch it, but the foreman held me back.
"Don't you ever do that", he said: "Just let it drop!"
"But that is a waste", I said: "Look, it is broken now!"
"Never mind that. Throw it in the dustbin. For the boss it would have been much worse if you had hurt yourself."
It took me some time to get used to the idea, but of course he was right. The lamp may have cost about $50, but one employee off the job for one day is much more expensive. Not to mention the complications if an employee becomes disabled in such an accident on the job.
"So remember", he said: "Whenever you see something falling at the job, you take a step back and let it go!"
It was a good advice, but maybe I haven't learned enough yet. If you don't take it so literally, I am still catching things that about to fall over. Recently I suddenly remembered this incident. Indeed: I have a tendency to help out if something seems to go wrong. If a volunteer is needed and nobody has the time, or the inclination to step forward, I do. Because the work will have to be done one way or another!
But maybe that is also a bad idea. Maybe it is even bad for the company. If all the problems get solved anyway, management can lean back and feel comfortable. Then, they tell the people who take the blows, that they are underperforming, because they don't work efficiently enough.
Could that be the problem?
"Don't you ever do that", he said: "Just let it drop!"
"But that is a waste", I said: "Look, it is broken now!"
"Never mind that. Throw it in the dustbin. For the boss it would have been much worse if you had hurt yourself."
It took me some time to get used to the idea, but of course he was right. The lamp may have cost about $50, but one employee off the job for one day is much more expensive. Not to mention the complications if an employee becomes disabled in such an accident on the job.
"So remember", he said: "Whenever you see something falling at the job, you take a step back and let it go!"
It was a good advice, but maybe I haven't learned enough yet. If you don't take it so literally, I am still catching things that about to fall over. Recently I suddenly remembered this incident. Indeed: I have a tendency to help out if something seems to go wrong. If a volunteer is needed and nobody has the time, or the inclination to step forward, I do. Because the work will have to be done one way or another!
But maybe that is also a bad idea. Maybe it is even bad for the company. If all the problems get solved anyway, management can lean back and feel comfortable. Then, they tell the people who take the blows, that they are underperforming, because they don't work efficiently enough.
Could that be the problem?
2004-04-05
I look like a mess
Dear, o dear, I feel terrible today! After a severe laser treatment on Saturday evening I made the mistake of shaving myself a little too closely on Sunday afternoon. Now my whole face is covered with little wounds. I would like to get into my bed and stay there until I have recovered. But of course that was not possible. I had to go to work today. It is terrible to have to be there all day knowing I look like a mess.
2004-04-04
Bearded beauties
Yesterday evening it was again time for the monthly T&T-evening (T&T = Transvestism and Transsexuality) in Eindhoven. We have such an evening of the first Saturday of every month in a community building in Eindhoven. There is always a very good atmosphere. For a lot of men these evenings are their very first possibility to dress as a woman and be in the company of other people.
It is difficult to understand why our society makes such a problem of transvestism. This makes the life of transvestites filled with useless feelings of guilt and fear. And we are lucky to live in the Netherlands, because this is a very tolerant country. In the rest of the world there is much more bigotry...
I've had to struggle with the same feelings of guilt and fear, before I 'came out of the closet'. My very first visit to such a T&T-evening was an exciting experience. That was a few years ago already, but every month we get new visitors, who are there for the first time. They can feel safe there and they can meet people who meet the same difficulties in their lives for the first time. Those who are afraid to go outside in female clothing have the opportunity to enter in 'drab mode' and change their clothes inside the building.
All that is not necessary for me anymore, because I've been living as a woman 24/7 for a long time now, but I keep visiting these evenings because of the pleasant atmosphere and the many friends I meet there every time.
Each month the ladies from Medi Skin Care in Volendam are present too. They help us get rid of facial hair by using laser light. That is not cheap, but on these evenings we get a special price reduction. A visit to a normal skin therapist can easily cost you as much as $300, but we get our treatment at half the price!
Of course we discussed the latest plans of our government to take facial hair reduction for transsexual women out of the national health insurance program. These idiots don't know what they are doing!
I think it would be great fun to have a big demonstration by transsexual women in The Hague by the end of May, when the weather will be fine. We could all dress in light, pretty summer dresses, but forget about shaving and make-up for the day. Or maybe even put on fake beards and moustaches. Let the government see what the results of such a policy are!
It is difficult to understand why our society makes such a problem of transvestism. This makes the life of transvestites filled with useless feelings of guilt and fear. And we are lucky to live in the Netherlands, because this is a very tolerant country. In the rest of the world there is much more bigotry...
I've had to struggle with the same feelings of guilt and fear, before I 'came out of the closet'. My very first visit to such a T&T-evening was an exciting experience. That was a few years ago already, but every month we get new visitors, who are there for the first time. They can feel safe there and they can meet people who meet the same difficulties in their lives for the first time. Those who are afraid to go outside in female clothing have the opportunity to enter in 'drab mode' and change their clothes inside the building.
All that is not necessary for me anymore, because I've been living as a woman 24/7 for a long time now, but I keep visiting these evenings because of the pleasant atmosphere and the many friends I meet there every time.
Each month the ladies from Medi Skin Care in Volendam are present too. They help us get rid of facial hair by using laser light. That is not cheap, but on these evenings we get a special price reduction. A visit to a normal skin therapist can easily cost you as much as $300, but we get our treatment at half the price!
Of course we discussed the latest plans of our government to take facial hair reduction for transsexual women out of the national health insurance program. These idiots don't know what they are doing!
I think it would be great fun to have a big demonstration by transsexual women in The Hague by the end of May, when the weather will be fine. We could all dress in light, pretty summer dresses, but forget about shaving and make-up for the day. Or maybe even put on fake beards and moustaches. Let the government see what the results of such a policy are!
2004-04-02
Grandmother
Today at work, I met a woman I met about two months ago for the first time in our 'smoking room' and I hadn't seen her since then. [Now that smoking is prohibited in all public (indoor) places in The Netherlands, many companies have reserved a small room for those who can't do without a cigarette. These are good places for networking!]
Anyway I met her two months ago and told her my doughter-in-law was about to have a baby.
Today she greeted me with:
"Hi! Hey, what happened? Are you a grandmother now?"
"Yes I am!"
"Congratulations!"
Such a moment does me a lot of good. It makes it easier to deal with some of the other issues!
Anyway I met her two months ago and told her my doughter-in-law was about to have a baby.
Today she greeted me with:
"Hi! Hey, what happened? Are you a grandmother now?"
"Yes I am!"
"Congratulations!"
Such a moment does me a lot of good. It makes it easier to deal with some of the other issues!
© 1985-2006 E.G. Snel
