Evelien's Audio Columns

Gay-Pride

2005-08-21T02:00:00.003+02:00

The summer is the time for gay parades. I had never been to any gay-pride event, so it was time for a change in this! Two weeks ago, Julia and I happened to be in Amsterdam for a weekend just when the annual gay parade was planned.

The Amsterdam gay parade consists of a lot of boats that go all the way along the Prinsengracht around the ancient center of the city. Most of the boats have been decorated and the people on the boats have all dressed themselves for the occasion. Some groups start the preparations for this months before the event and they get very beautiful results.
Of course the main color used on most of the boats is pink. And on board we saw a lot of guys dressed as girls and also some girls dressed as boys.

Some boats were decorated in very special ways. One of them had an inflatable love-doll on it that stood 25 feet high. And they had to deflate it time and time again because she needed to pass under the bridges! There are at least ten bridges along the route of the parade and every time this poor inflatable girl had to arch her back as if she was doing a giant's limbo-dance.

There were also boats that were about supporting an organization or getting across a point of view, like the Amnesty International boat: "Gay rights are human rights" and the AIDS fund boat.
In this category there was also a boat on which everybody was holding up a sign with a text starting "I want to kiss again..." How about "I want to kiss again in Iran"

The boat from Shell company was very remarkable. It had a great banner saying: "Shell colleagues celebrate Diversity & Inclusiveness" It turns out that Shell organizes get-togethers for gays and transsexuals within the company! That sounds like a fine example of acceptance on the job!

On the last boat we saw Boy George. I don't know whether it was really him or just a very good imitation and that doesn't really matter. I like his looks because he is not a transvestite, but still he is about as feminine as a boy can get...

It took several hours for all the boats to pass and in the end I began to feel quite cold. I don't envy those guys who have to stand half naked on one of those boats. And for them it was not over yet, because they had to sail the full length of the Prinsengracht, all the way to the Amstel where they would all get together.

Such a parade is fun to watch, but I do have some objections to it.

On the boats we saw lots of "Bearded Beauties". It is easy to understand why this is the case. These people want the world to see they are gay, but that doesn't show! So that's why you see a lot of transvestism on these boats.
To the general public this can be confusing. It may strengthen the prejudice amongst the public that all transvestites are gay. It may even give the impression that most gay people are transvestites. And that is not the case!

But on the other hand it is just a nice party and we wouldn't want to spoil that. I enjoyed it very much and so did the hundred thousand people who came to watch it, not to mention the millions of people who have seen it on TV!

How will I know?

2005-08-07T03:00:00.002+02:00

When you listen to Gendertalk you hear so many people who claim they are transsexual. And maybe you have wondered how they can be so sure of that. How do they know? It is not a virus, there is no injury. There is really no objective way to determine whether someone is a transsexual. It is something they feel inside. They have a male body, but they say they feel they are women. Isn't that silly? What does it mean to feel you are a woman? How can you tell?

Those are very good questions. And believe me, I have struggled with those questions for years. And I went looking for information -- on the Internet of course. I found many diaries and stories written by transsexuals. They knew what was the matter with them. But I was looking for scientific material, Hard evidence, a litmus test, I needed to be sure.

And I did find material that was labeled 'scientific'. I found "The transsexual phenomenon", by Harry Benjamin, I found "The Man who would be Queen", by J. Michael Bailey.
Yes, Bailey's book! At the time I didn't know his book made many transsexual people very angry. I just thought I had found a reliable source of information.
In this book he presents the results of a research he claims to have done about transsexual people. In his view there are two types of transsexuals: Type one, which he calls the 'homosexual type' and type two, which he calls the 'autogynephilic type'.
He goes on to describe type one as misdirected gay men who want to transition because they think their attraction to men would be more acceptable and their chances of finding a man would increase if they were women. He also says these are the 'early onset' transsexuals, i.e. those who transition at a young age.
Type two is described as the group of misdirected heterosexual men, who sort of invert their attraction to women onto themselves, so that they can become the object of their own lust. He also calls this group the 'late onset' transsexuals, i.e. those who transition at an older age.

This book got me very confused. First of all, Bailey calls both types of transsexuals 'misdirected' in one way or another. Secondly I didn't fit into either of his categories, so the logical conclusion seemed to be that I was not a transsexual. Based on the book, one could even say that nobody is a transsexual. They are all just 'misdirected' people.

But the truth of the matter is that you only need to listen to your heart. You will know! I knew it! I was just looking for excuses for not admitting to this strong feeling. But that didn't work. The book didn't give me such an excuse. I felt the book just wasn't about me. Maybe I was a new kind of transsexual? The thought that Mr. Bailey could be all wrong didn't occur to me at the time...

Skinny Dipping

2005-07-24T03:00:00.001+02:00

If you start living full-time in the opposite gender role, you go around every day trying to look like a girl although you have a male body. The more clothing you wear the easier that is. But you will run into problems with activities where you don't wear so much clothing, such as swimming.

In the three years since my transition I had only swum one time. That was in a swimming pool in Italy. Julia so much wanted to go for a swim, I couldn't refuse that. But I didn't feel ready for it. I hadn't started with my hormone treatment yet, so my body was still completely male, but I had to go dressed as a girl. With falsies in my bikini top and with an unnatural bulging in my panty. I didn't feel really at ease there, but afterwards it was a good feeling to know I had conquered my fear and done Julia a favor.

But it gets even more complicated. In the past Julia and I always went to naturist beaches. Yes, that's right: Skinny dipping! We always loved the atmosphere at naturist beaches: people are very friendly and they care about the environment. You won't find empty cans and bottles or cigarette buds on a naturist beach. These people clean up their mess when they leave.
Of course on a naturist beach transvestism is impossible. Without any clothes you cannot pretend to be anything but yourself. So I hadn't been there since my transition. It was impossible for me to go anywhere if I would have to look like a guy. But things have changed. Now that I am on hormones, my body is changing. I don't look like a man anymore, I look like a... SheMale!
Of course a SheMale is a rather unusual kind of person, but I had decided I wanted to go to the naturist beach again as soon as I didn't look like a man any more. So last week I took the big step and went to the beach for the first time in three years. I have to admit I was a bit scared to do that. But I am not sorry I did. It is so relaxing to let go of all pretending and make-believe. I was just me, nothing more, nothing less!
Of course people have looked at me. There is nothing wrong with that! Everybody looks at everybody else. Some people will have thought: "Hey, HE has breasts!" and others thought: "Hey SHE has a penis!" And they were right! So what!

When I got the idea to do my column about this subject I hesitated at first. In one of my previous columns I also touched another taboo and some people were confused by that. And I know nudity is much more taboo in the USA than it is in the Netherlands. So I did a little research on the internet to find out whether naturism would be acceptable in my column. The first hit I got on Google was a page with a picture of a nude couple on the beach at Cape Codd, so that was a good sign. And soon I found the pages of "The Naturist Society" at http://www.naturistsociety.com/.
They have a slogan that exactly expresses my feelings about my outing to the beach:

"Body Acceptance is the Idea, Nude Recreation is the Way"

Out of Work

2005-07-10T03:00:00.001+02:00

It is three years ago that I transitioned from working as a man to working as a woman. And now I am out of work. This didn't go like in Virginia Stephenson's case. She was simply told: "We don't want you here as a woman." That would have been against the company Code of Conduct. Article 4.3 explicitly states: "Every employee has equal opportunities and will be treated equally, regardless of personal background, race, gender, nationality, age, sexual orientation or religion."
And article 1 of the Dutch constitution simple says: "Discrimination is prohibited."
So if they would have fired me because I am a transsexual, I could easily have sued them.

No, it was all done in small steps, in a much more subtle way. Since my transition, I have never had a positive performance review. There was always a lot of criticism about my performance on the job. The criticism ranged from brutal lies and half truths to vague accusations and subjective impressions.
Then I just happened to meet the criteria for lay-off in a reorganization. I was transferred to another company, but remained doing the same work, only now as a temp instead of a normal employee.
And the bad performance reviews continued. My former employer, who was now my customer was never satisfied. They tried to end my contract because my part in the project had allegedly been completed. That was another lie and I succeeded in continuing the contract two times because the work wasn't finished.
Now they have made a third attempt to kick me out and they have succeeded. My work still has not been finished, I have had to transfer it to a new colleague. Now that I am a temp it is really quite simple to get rid of me: They just needed to say to my new employer that they are not interested in hiring me any longer.

So my work has ended. It has been stolen away from me. I have cried a lot lately. It is all just so unfair! And there is very little I can do about it. It is very clear that the beautiful 'company Code of Conduct' is a paper tiger. To give one other example: Amongst 1000 employees there is not one single homosexual working for my former employer! Do you believe that? Neither do I. Clearly the homosexuals in the company keep quiet about their orientation, because they fear to be discriminated.

I am out of work now, but I am not out of a job yet. My new employer will have to come up with a new assignment for me. It will be a litmus test of their company Code of Conduct to watch closely how they are going to handle this.

Assimilation

2005-06-26T03:09:00.002+02:00

Last weekend I went to a theater festival in Rotterdam. The festival had a very original format: 61 actors performed on several locations inside buildings along a street in Rotterdam.
The audience was free to walk the street and ask the actors to do their monologue. So each time they did their act for a small audience of 1 to 6 people inside a room -- quite an intimite setting for a theater play.
I was there with Julia and two very close friends and we went from building to building. We saw about a dozen of acts in one afternoon.
Most of the monologues were about the misery in the lives of the charaters that were enacted. And that made some of the performances seem a little too similar.
But there were acts that were remarkable in one way or another. One act was particularly interesting to me because of the subject matter. It was played by a guy in the age of sixty and it started something like this:

Everybody is a story. Each one of you standing in front of me is a unique story.
I am a story to. A lot of stories, really.
But there is one story I would like to tell you.
That is a story of me -- in a dress!
He told us he had been involved in a radical gay movement at the end of the seventies. They called themselves the 'Rooie Flikkers' ('Red Faggots') and they often dressed up as women for fun, but also to make a political statement.
Instead of assimilating in the society like most homoseksuals tried to do in those days, they stressed the fact that they were different from, or even better than, heteroseksuals.
When Anita Bryant did her anti-gay campaign as a reaction to the human-rights ordinance that passed in Miami-Dade County in Florida, many people in the Netherlands were worried and a large Anti-Anita happening was organized in the Amsterdam Orchestra Building under the name 'Miami Nightmare'.
The 'Rooie Flikkers' took even more radical action. They appeared en masse at a streetcar stop in front of the building, all dressed in frocks and skirts. They managed to shock the audience that felt comfortable to demonstrate against Anita from a safe distance, but was not able to cope with sight of transvestism yet...

I liked his story, but I was very curious whether he would notice anything special about me. After all I used to look like a guy in a dress myself until recently and I am still getting used to being accepted as a woman wherever I go.
If he did notice, he hid it very professionally.
Our friends were also convinced that he never knew how closely his story was related to mine. And throughout the afternoon they noticed how well I was accepted everywhere I went. They had noticed only one guy who stared at me as if he had seen a ghost.
It looks like I am really beginning to blend in as a woman in society. That feels absolutely great, I hadn't thought it possible for a long time!

Breaking the Law

2005-06-12T02:00:00.002+02:00

If you want to express your gender identity in the way you dress or if you crossdress for recreational purposes, you may run into problems with the police. In the past it was illegal almost worldwide for a man to go outside in female attire and these laws are changing only very slowly.
In the Netherlands crossdressing was already legalized in 1978, so I never got into problems with that. But recently I found out that it is still illegal in Belgium, only thirty miles from my home! My Belgian friends have told me that it is illegal, but it isn't prosecuted. I didn't know about that, so I have broken the Belgian laws many times without even knowing it.

In the USA I think it depends on where you go. It wouldn't surprise me at all if crossdressing is still illegal in some of the more conservative states, counties, perishes or cities.

So there you are, driving home from a private party in the safe seclusion of your own car, still in your nicest dress and with make-up on you face when suddenly you are stopped by the police. Of course there are many things you can and should do to avoid such an encounter: Don't drink and drive, don't ignore stop-signs and traffic lights, don't speed! Just behave like a lady.
But you can always be stopped for a routine check.

What should you do?? Don't panic! It doesn't even matter whether crossdressing is illegal or not. If you lose your nerve now, you can only make things worse! Do not give the policemen extra reason to get angry or nervous. For all they know, you could be an Al-Quaida terrorist hiding behind a clean shave and a blond wig. Keep your hands on the wheel, tell them your real name as it appears on your driver's license. Admit to them that you are crossdressing. And above all: Do not try to flee by driving away! Fleeing is the best way to get the story of your behavior on TV, on the front page of the local newspapers or, even worse, to get your name on the second page of the newspaper with a black line around it. You have probably seen these TV shows where a dozen of police cars are in pursuit of a fleeing vehicle. They are always assisted by a helicopter with a TV camera on board. And they always get the fugitive; dead or alive! In several cases I saw on TV it turned out that the driver of the vehicle fled because he was crossdressed and afraid to expose himself.

Worldwide on TV! Do you call that avoiding exposure?

The Ugly Duckling

2005-05-29T03:00:00.000+02:00

When I was a child, I often felt very lonely and unhappy. I felt I was somehow different from the other children. That was why they often teased me and wouldn't let me play with them. I didn't have a clue why I was different or in what way and neither did my parents.
My mother often tried to console me by telling me the story of the Ugly Duckling. You must have heard of that one, or have you?

Once upon a time a mother duck was breeding on her eggs. After a few weeks six of them hatched and out came six beautiful little ducklings. The seventh egg was slightly bigger than the other ones and it hatched a little later. Out of it came a very ugly duckling. It was too large and it was the wrong color. Mother duck was first afraid it may not even be a duckling; maybe it was a turkey? But when she saw this duckling could swim, just like her other children, she was reassured. This was probably just a phase and her child would grow over it. She lovingly accepted him as one of her own.

But the other ducklings were not so tolerant. And the other animals on the farm didn't accept him either. After several miserable weeks the poor duckling fled from the farm. He went to a nearby moor and asked all the animals if they had ever seen a bird like him, but nobody had. One day he saw a flock a very beautiful, white birds. These were swans of course, but the young duckling didn't know that. And somehow he felt towards them as he had never felt for any other bird in the world. He deeply wished he could be as graceful as they were, if only for one day! The beautiful birds flew away to the south, because the winter was beginning.

The winter was a very harsh time for this poor, lonesome bird. He almost ended up in a cooking-pot, he nearly froze to death and he felt more and more miserable.
Then, when the spring began he witnessed the return of those beautiful, white birds. He wanted to go near them, ugly as he was. He humbly approached them, bending his head down towards the water. But then he saw his own reflection! He saw he had grown into a beautiful, young swan! He was now just like the birds he had admired so much! He was lovingly accepted amongst the swans and people said he was the most beautiful of them all!
Of course the swan was very happy. But he never became vain or conceited. He always remembered how it felt to be despised and teased, and he was very sorry for all the creatures who are so treated merely because they are different from those around them.

It is a beautiful story with a happy ending, but it wasn't very consoling. I knew I was not a swan and I didn't see how I could ever live to see a happy ending like he did. Little did my mother and I know what was to happen to me many decades later in my life...

Pro Choice

2005-05-15T15:00:00.000+02:00

Recently conservative people in the USA have been saying some very offensive things about the Dutch medical profession. We could even hear it on this side of the ocean! They said in Holland newly borns can be euthanized if they have a little birth defect. If a child is born with only four fingers, the parents can say: "Oh, this child is not perfect. We don't want it. Please euthanize it!"

Well, that is not the way it works! It is amazing that the "Pro life" movement resorts to such horrible lies to keep the people from taking a more liberal point of view. They make it sound like "Pro choice" leads directly towards Sodom and Gomorra, just like in the Netherlands.
Well, let me tell you that in the Netherlands the doctors do everything that is within their power to preserve life of people of all ages. Julia's grandson was born with a serious heart defect and he would not have lived for a year if nothing was done about it. So the doctors performed an open heart surgery on him when he was only a few months old! And by now he is a happy little toddler.
It is true the rules for euthanasia are more liberal in the Netherlands. In our country it is possible to stop the feeding of a patient who is in a coma for a long time without hope of recovery. It is possible for people who know they will soon die in a slowly and painful way to ask their doctor to speed up the process and help them avoid this needless suffering. Such decisions are never made without consulting another doctor.

Speaking about the medical profession: There is another misunderstanding I have often heard. Some people think that in the Netherlands the government will pay for sexual reassignment surgery. Well, they don't! I do not have to pay for my surgery myself, because it is covered by my health insurance.
People also say it is quite easy to get an approval for a sex change in the Netherlands. Well, it is not. First of all, there is no free choice in where to get your sex change. There are only two hospitals that perform this surgery. And in these hospitals the same Harry Benjamin Standards of Care apply as in the USA. As a matter of fact the rules are even more strict than those in the Standards of Care. We have a Real Life Test period of 18 months. We do not have the requirement of two letters of recommendation from mental health specialists for surgery, but instead we have a whole team, specialized in gender issues to make the decision.
I thought I could do without such a long real life test, since I had been living full-time as a woman for two years before I was diagnosed. The Standards of Care do leave room for such an exception, but the rules of the hospital don't. The Dutch gender team is very careful to avoid any mistake.

So the next time a conservative is trying to scare you out of a "Pro Choice" point of view by referring to the apocalypse we are heading for in the Netherlands, you can explain to him that the doctors in the Netherlands are just as conscientious as those in the USA.

All in the family

2005-05-01T03:00:00.000+02:00

Do you remember the TV-series "All in the Family"? Do you remember Archie Bunker?

Boy the way Glen Miller played,
Songs that made the hit parade,
Guys like us we had it made,
Those were the days,
And you know where you were then,
Girls were girls and men were men,

Why does he sing that? Is he referring to transgendered people? Oh no, he's not! He is merely annoyed because in the sixties some boys liked to grow long hair, just like the girls. He is annoyed by anyone and everything that doesn't share his narrow view of the world. And there is a lot that doesn't fit in that view: Women's rights, same-sex marriage, abortion etcetera.
Archie has never even met a transgendered person. I wonder how he would react to that!

In the Netherlands the "Archie Bunker"-type is not that wide-spread. But they are among us! There are Archie Bunkers among my colleagues. There are Archie Bunkers among my relatives. There are Archie Bunkers out on the street.
The problems started soon after I began to live full-time as a woman. A few weeks later Julia, my spouse, celebrated her birthday. Full-time is full-time, so naturally I was dressed as a woman when we received our guests. I wore a black, ankle length, pleated skirt, a shiny green pullover and black shoes with one-inch heels.
It was quite a start to my parents. I had been preparing them for this moment by dressing androgynously and a little bit more feminine every time I met them during the preceding year, but they never seemed to notice. They have a tendency not to see things they don't like as long as possible. Well I can understand their problem. It is not easy to see your son behave as a daughter for the first time. But they were very reasonable about it.

But there was another relative who didn't take it so lightly. After the party he called Julia and told her he didn't want to be confronted with me in this way. He demanded Julia to come to his house and explain the matter.
Who does he think he is? We do have the right to determine what happens in our own house! Julia refused to come unless I could come along with her.

And so we went there together. This special occasion was the last time I put on male clothing, just for his sake. We had a long discussion that seemed to end well when I had managed to explain to him that I was not a transvestite, but a transsexual. Transsexuals usually meet a little more understanding in our society than transvestites do. People find it easier to understand if someone 'was born in the wrong body'. I think he should have accepted me if I were a transvestite as well, but it was difficult enough already. I really thought I managed to explain it all to him and I had the impression he understood.

But now, more than two years later, I am not so sure he has accepted me. It would be more accurate to say that he is tolerating me. Recently a little inducement was all it took to start a flaming email debate. My condition is causing him nervous headaches and sleepless nights, his wife said. Poor guy!

Coming out at Work

2005-04-17T03:00:00.000+02:00

I don't know whether there is a 'right' way to transition on the job, but I'm sure I did almost everything wrong. Please do not go in my footsteps.

It was the fourth of July 2002 when I first explained my situation to the company psychologist. Her reaction was a great relief for me. She said transitioning on the job was certainly possible. She said I should discuss my transition with my boss and she also insisted I should find medical help as soon as possible.

This was a real important first step in my coming out at work. I Felt on cloud nine all weekend!

But then on Monday I had an unfortunate encounter with our department manager. I had the feeling he was underestimating the capabilities of the people in his department and I asked a question about that in a meeting. Afterwards my boss said I 'put a foot in my mouth'. Of course that had not been my intention, but these things happen to me. When I disagree with things I keep my mouth shut for too long and then when I do speak up the words come out too violently...

And that evening I heard Virginia Stephenson in Gendertalk #367:
She transitioned in October 2001. Everything went great and she sort of dropped her guard. But then early in June, her boss came into her office and told her that "the transition wasn't working". "Your performance is outstanding", he said: "But we just don't want you here as a woman."
So there I was: I was already undervalued and misunderstood and now I was about to do something that even failed for admittedly outstanding employees! I got very worried and sent a question to Gendertalk about my transition and the possible impact on my career. I also thought I was beginning to see a pattern: Transitions that start out fine turn out nasty after a while...
But there was no way I could stop now, I needed to go on with my transition.

The normal way to announce your transition at work is to send an email or a memo to all your colleagues announcing your new name, a date of transition and at least some basic background information. I didn't do that. I just told them about my transition in some regular meetings. So there was not one clear moment of transition in my workplace. Not all my colleagues were informed at the same time and I was slowly drifting from a male to a female appearance.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

My question to Gendertalk was answered in program #389 on December 9th. 2002. Nancy had some good tips for me and those who come after me. For one thing: Your career is going to take hit, women earn less than men for the same work. Another important thing to note is that you should not remain in transition for too long. People expect you to act a clear gender role; either male or female, not inbetween!

A lot of things that were said in that program have turned out to be true. And I have also learned that the pattern I noticed does indeed exist. Many transitions start out smoothly. If people are supportive they will allow you a little leeway in the beginning. But after a while it will have to be 'business as usual'. And that is when people start wondering: "What is a woman doing in this position? Shouldn't she be demoted?"
Once people start to think about you that way, you will find out what it really is like to be treated as a woman at work...

Going full-time

2005-04-03T03:00:00.000+02:00

It was October 2001 and I was moving into my new home. I would be living all by myself there. I was hoping to start living full-time as a woman from day #1. But that is easier said than done. Inside the house there was no problem at all, but I still had little experience in going outside. I also didn't have enough female clothes that were suitable for the winter season that was now beginning. You might say I had been a 'fair weather woman' until then.

So I needed to go shopping for suitable clothes in male attire. I did have some experience in buying clothes at department stores. You just need to be bold enough to go to the female department, take the clothes you like and try them on in a fitting booth. No problem, nobody will bother you, no questions will be asked. Then you just need the courage to take these clothes to the cash register and pay for them. That's all.

But sometimes you need the help of a salesperson. That happened when I was buying a pair of nice high-heeled boots. This was the very last pair in my size and they were on display, without a box. So could I just take these to the cash register without a box?

"O yes you can", said the salesgirl: "But sir, I need to warn you, these are ladies' shoes!"
"Thank you", I said: "I know. I'm afraid people will just need to get used to me."

We got into a very nice conversation about gender variant dressing behavior. She didn't make a problem of it at all, but she was genuinely interested. This was a real boost for my self-confidence.

As my wardrobe was expanding, I went out in female attire more and more often and my confidence was growing. There is a first time for everything and there is a lot to learn. Just walking around the block is not natural behavior. You need to know where you want to go and why you want to go there. Putting a letter in the mail was a good beginning. Going to the grocery store was one step further. Going to the weekly market was a great step. Mingling in the crowd, you will soon find out how well you pass and you can learn from that. Every new experience felt like a little victory.

And after a while it all became normal and natural. I learned that the important thing is to know for yourself there is nothing wrong with going out like this. The moment you think you are doing something wrong, you sort of radiate your feeling and other people will feel the same way. Keep calm, act confident and people are likely to accept you the way you are.

My journey into femininity had finally really started. But where was I heading? I didn't know. Or maybe I wasn't ready to admit it to myself.

It was clear to me that I wasn't there yet. I was living as a woman most of the time, but some very difficult steps were still ahead of me, like coming out at work and coming out to my family. I will tell you more about that in my future columns.

Up Town Girl

2005-03-20T03:00:00.000+01:00

I have to admit I am very lucky indeed. I live in a tolerant country. I am relatively rich. I live in a time where gender dysphoria is beginning to become accepted. I managed to start living as a woman without losing my job, my family, my home or my loved one. I have a health insurance that will pay for my sex change operation. In short: You can say I'm an 'Up Town Girl'! Count your blessings, Little Evelien!

In recent Gendertalk programs we have heard a lot about people who were not so lucky. In program number 495 Nancy made the very just remark that the difference between rich and poor classes is a struggle that may be even more fundamental than the struggle around gender. In program number 499 we heard a lot about homeless people and about homeless transgender folks in particular.

Listening to that program made me feel a bit like a spoiled child. Renting a studio here, turning down a great job offer there, while other people do not have such opportunities at all. I am glad there wasn't one of my columns in that program about the homeless, because that would have been very harsh.

Anyway, it has not made me decide to quit these columns altogether. I think there are issues every transgender person will meet in his or her life and it is always a good thing to exchange thoughts, experiences and feelings about those.

The more I explored my transgender feelings, the more it became clear to me that I wanted to live full-time as a woman. But living together with my spouse made transitioning difficult. Our relationship was in serious jeopardy! After living a few months by myself and after my Boston adventure I was living with Julia again and that became more and more difficult for the both of us. We were getting in each other's way and if nothing was done about this, we would probably end up in a divorce.

So we needed to live our lives separately, at least for a while. I needed to move out. This is one of those situations that is causing homelessness amongst transsexual people, but for an 'Up Town Girl' like me, the solution was to buy a house for myself. (There you have it again, most people don't have that option!) I couldn't afford anything fancy, I had to settle for a real 'Back Street House'. It was not in the best of neighborhoods, it was in a poor shape of maintenance and in the back yard garbage was stacked up three feet high. It would require an awful lot of hard labor to make it into an acceptable place to live in, but it was a house and it was mine!

Finally the stage was set. I had created the environment where my transition could take place. All I needed now was the courage to really make this happen. I will tell you more about that in my future columns.

Move to Massachusetts

2005-03-06T03:00:00.000+01:00

I was living by myself in a little studio in Rotterdam. I could only rent it for four months and that turned out to be far too short to work out all my gender problems.

But then I got a real 'once in a lifetime' opportunity: I was offered a job in Boston. We would be working on a very interesting project and we would also be building up a Boston branch of the company.

It sounded like a great chance to start a completely new life in a completely new environment. But would Boston be safe enough for an inexperienced transgender person? Unfortunately I didn't know Gendertalk yet, because in this case a question to Gendertalk would have been appropriate! I posted some entries in newsgroups to find out and soon I managed to start an email conversation with a Boston cross dresser.

Ze told me there was quite a nice trans community in the Boston area. I learned a lot about the differences between different states in the USA. And I learned that Massachusetts was one of the most liberal ones in gender issues. I started to get a real appetite for this job. I signed the contract and made arrangements with my new employer about the timing of my move to Boston. The plan was I would be starting my work in Holland in January and move to the USA in April.

But soon things started to go wrong. The first thing that went wrong were the presidential elections in the USA in 2000. I didn't expect the climate for transgendered people to improve with Mr. Bush in the White House.
Then the project we were going to work on was cancelled. So we would still be setting up a Boston office for the company, but without the guarantee of an abundance of interesting, well-paid work.

At the end of February 2001 I visited Boston to have a good look around, to meet my new colleagues and to have some meetings with a customer. I haven't tried to go outside in female clothing while I was in Boston. I didn't feel confident enough to do that. Instead I did experiment with some eye-catching androgynous outfits like a pink leather jacket with matching nail polish. I wasn't lynched, but I did get quite a lot of reactions. The two fifteen year old boys who helped me at the check-out counter at Market Basket had such a good laugh, they probably still remember me today!

Of course I also planned a rendez-vous with my email contact. We were to meet at Jacques' in Church street. Unfortunately we missed each other by a few minutes, but I did have the opportunity to talk with some nice people over there. So I got the impression there was indeed a lively transgender scene in Boston, but it was just a niche. Out on the streets the acceptance of gender-variant behavior appeared to be more difficult in Boston than it is in Holland.

And then the company decided to give up the idea of a Boston office altogether. Oh yes, I could still work for them, but that would have to be in California. Well I know almost all Americans want to live in California, but this was too big a step for me. If a company moves your workplace so easily by 5000 miles what will be next? Ohio? Pennsylvania? So I decided I didn't want this job any more. I wanted to stay safely in the Netherlands and that is what I did.

Early Coming Out

2005-02-27T03:00:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, in the Indian summer of the year 2000, I was lucky enough to be able to rent a studio in the center of Rotterdam for a few months at an almost reasonable price. I was still very uncertain about where I wanted to go with my transgender issues and living alone for a while was a unique opportunity to find out more about myself.

I was still very inexperienced in presenting myself in female form to the outside world, but I had the feeling it didn't matter that much in the center of a metropolitan city. I just needed to walk out my front door a few steps and I was completely anonymous among the crowd. So I had the feeling I could do some experiments over there and so I did.

I wasn't living a double life; this was really a triple life. I still went to work in the posh leased car, dressed in suit, shirt and tie. I ventured out in 'girl-mode', dressed in a skirt, a girlish top and wearing a wig. And I relaxed in a sort of androgynous mode, looking like an in-betweeny, wearing trousers and sweaters and nail polish.

In 'girl-mode' I must have looked like a mess, dressing up in too sexy, too young clothes for my age. I was instantly spotted as a cross dresser all over the place. And I think there may have been some dangerous situations for me. But I was lucky and wasn't physically harassed in any way. I am not so sure I could have pulled this off in the USA!

As an in-betweeny I did look sort-of acceptable. That was the way I frequented the local pub, which was a bit of a redneck place, featuring an après-ski atmosphere every day and karaoke in the weekends. People must have seen me as sort of a faggot over there, but since I did sing karaoke every now and then and I did drink gallons of beer like the rest of the crowd, I was accepted.

I was also dressed as an in-betweeny when my sister and my brother-in-law came to visit me. This was coming-out time! As I said, I was not so sure what way I really wanted to go in my life, but I was convinced some gender issue was involved. I can't really remember how I explained this to them, but I do remember I was met with a heart warming acceptance. My brother-in-law expressed his acceptance in words, but my sister is not that much of a talker. She expressed it in another way: When they said goodbye she took her bracelet off her wrist and put it on mine! This was a very powerful way to show her feelings! It is one of the most precious gifts anyone ever gave me!!

Missed a Party

2005-02-01T01:51:00.000+01:00

I heard some people were a bit embarrassed about my last column, because it was about the operation I underwent for a medical problem people normally don’t speak about. Yes, that is a taboo to, just like transgenderism! Why not kill two taboos with one stone? But let’s just stick to one taboo this time…

After my operation it took me quite some time to recuperate. Two weeks later a very good friend of mine celebrated his birthday, but I couldn't come. I hadn't left the house yet.

Julia did go to the party and she had a great time. She met a former colleague of mine there.
Colleague? Yes, it was even more than that. At the time I was a project leader and he was one of the members in my team. So there you have it: Once upon a time I was somebody's 'boss' to! I don't expect that to happen so easily again...

But I was a different person at the time. Or so it seemed. I went to work wearing a neat suit and a tie every day. If you do that, you are trusted to take on a responsible job. Your knowledge and experience don't really matter that much, as long as you have a 'professional' appearance. That's the way it is in the World we live in...

This brought back a lot of memories to me. The period I am talking about now must have been around 1997. I was driving around in a posh leased car and stayed in a hotel on weeknights, all at the expense of the company. At the time I was making a real effort of being (or becoming) a Real Man. I also went for a 1500 meter swim every night in the hotel pool to become stronger and more masculine.

Of course I was living a lie. I am very good at that. But this life didn't make me happy. Maybe it was even partially in reaction to being 'sir-ed' all the time, that I started to wear women's clothing more and more often in the safe privacy of my hotel room during the same period...

So in those days the clothing I wore at work gave me an unfair advantage. But nowadays my clothing has an opposite affect. When I came out as transsexual woman, it didn’t seem a problem at all. It was accepted at work…
But I can feel clearly something has changed. And it hasn’t changed in the way I expected. I was hoping people would treat me as a lady from that day on. But they don’t! They are treating me as a woman alright, they are treating me like a maid!

So this is the discrimination women are facing in the workplace. If you have seen both sides, like I have, it is so clear! And it hurts! It looks like I will be missing many more parties in the future, just because I am who I am.

Sex Change

2005-01-18T23:59:00.000+01:00

Last year I had a sex change and an operation in our local hospital. No, it is not what you think! This is an operation, not the operation. That one is still in the distant future. This time I was in hospital for a different problem: hemorrhoids. Several attempts have been made to cure me in a less intrusive way. They put little rubber bands around the base of some of the hemorrhoids. These then die because the circulation of blood is stopped and they disappear within a few weeks. The procedure of placing these rubber bands did give me some experience with the gynecological position even before I am officially a woman. If you trust your doctor it is not as bad as it seems.

I am living full-time as a woman, so I always came to the hospital dressed in a feminine way. But when it was my turn the nurse always called for Mister Snel. Very embarrassing in a full waiting-room! She noticed my problem and she told me I could easily have my punch card altered so that it would have an 'F' on it instead of an 'M'.
I didn't know it was that simple, but she was right. We went to the desk where the punch cards and made and I politely asked to have it changed.
"Sure, no problem", said the lady: "But I'll have to put in a reason for the change."
"Can't you simply put 'transsexual'?"
"I can do that. Are you sure you want that in your records?"
"Yes, please do it!"
So that was all. Within five minutes I got my sex change at the hospital. Without any fuss. Without anesthetic. Without any pain.
From that day on my name was called out as Mrs. Snel. A great improvement!

Normally the treatment with rubber bands is sufficient, but it didn't work for me. So the doctors gave up on that idea and decided I needed an operation. A complete ring of material would have to be removed from my intestine. I will try to see this as a kind of 'dress rehearsal' for my 'real' operation...
I was quite nervous about what ward they would put me in. I do have an 'F' on my punch card, but I was still afraid that the other women in a women's ward would see me as an intruder. And having to be in a men's ward would have made me feel very out-of-place. But it turns out this hospital has mainly mixed wards, so there was no problem at all!
When I arrived the nurse asked me how I would like to be addressed, so after that I was consistently ma'am-ed all the time. Very nice! I got a place in a ward with two other women. The fourth bed in the ward was not occupied.
I was operated the same day and the next morning I was allowed to leave the hospital already. But I did have to stay until all administration had been sorted out. So I witnessed the arrival of the patient who was to occupy the fourth bed in our room. "Yes, you will be in a ladies only ward", the doctor who took her in said reassuringly. The guy, who had come along with her to bring her to the hospital looked quite suspiciously in my direction. I don't think he really believed this to be a women's ward... So be it. If he doesn't understand it, he'll just have to admire it, as we say in Holland.

Bus Stop

2005-01-04T01:44:00.000+01:00

Julia had taken me to work by car, so I had to return home by bus. From a long way away I could hear I wouldn't be alone at the bus stop. There was a guy with a skate board there and he was obviously bored. I knew he was going to bother me. So what should I do? Walk on to the next bus stop? I don't think so!

It turned out to be a seven year old. He was making quite a lot of noise for his age. But now he devoted his attention to me. He was showing off some acts of braveness on his skate board and he told me that soon, on his 8th birthday he would get a new surf board.
Well, I think it was high time he got a new one, because his board didn't look very good any more. The paint had come off at several edges and the bearings seemed to be worn out too, because it wouldn't even roll smoothly down a slope any more.
Of course he was trying to get me to talk, to find out whether I was a man or a woman, but I wasn't in for playing any games, so I even talked to him spontaneously. I said: "I hope one of these new busses will come. A Phileas. I would love to have a ride in one of those..."
"O jeah, the grey ones. Those are okay. No in America I have seen a bus that was all gold-colored..."

After a few minutes of chatting he was convinced I was a man, so he asked: "Why are you wearing women's clothing?"
"Because I like it", I said: "I feel much more at ease like this."
"Ah, so that's why", he said: "You know, on my birthday I will get a surf board with much better wheels!"
Yes, he knew exactly what he wanted. Well, almost. He still had to decide what print he would like most on the bottom side of the board. There was a choice between a print of a motorcycle, jumping a building or a couple of dice. I thought the motorcycle was much more suitable for a surf board and so I told him, but he was still undecided.

Eventually a bus arrived. It was not a Phileas, but a normal, boring city bus. I took it anyway, because all this was taking too much of my time. Today it took me a whole hour to travel the distance I usually do in twenty minutes on my bicycle. But still it was a nice experience to have met this little guy. I can explain what is the matter with me in a few words and that is all he needs to know. Then he switches the subject back to what interests him: Surf boards.

I wish all people were like him!

Fool's Overture

2004-12-21T01:38:00.000+01:00

You may have recognized the music I use as an intro for my columns. It is from the song "Fool's Overture" by Supertramp. Why did I pick this? Because I think the song is about late-onset, male-to-female transsexuals.
In the first few lines we hear about a hidden problem. Looking back, everything seems so obvious. But a drastic solution is called for. Listen:

History recalls how great the fall can be
While everybody's sleeping, the boats put out to sea
Borne on the wings of time
It seemed the answers were so easy to find
"Too late," the prophets cry
The island's sinking, let's take to the sky

The drastic solution in our case is of course to transition from living as a man to living as a woman.
If you do that, people will call you a fool. You will lose your pride as a man. You’ll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood. And you’ll have to endure severe pain. But don’t hide! Let the world know you are there, so that your sisters will feel they are not the only ones with this problem:

Called the man a fool, striped him of his pride
Everyone was laughing up until the day he died
And though the wound went deep
Still he's calling us out of our sleep
My friends, we're not alone
He waits in silence to lead us all home

I don't think I can lead home all my transsexual sisters, but I will try to help them if I can.
We all need to grow into our female selves. And that can be difficult:

So you tell me that you find it hard to grow
Well I know, I know, I know
And you tell me that you've many seeds to sow
Well I know, I know, I know

The 'seeds' of course point to the possibility to have children. If you transition you lose your ability to procreate. That's another thing we have to give up.
Oh well, we can go on sobbing about our problems, like the names the kids used to call us at primary school. But we do need a conclusion. How can we get on, what should we do?

Can you hear what I'm saying? Can you see the parts that I'm playing ?
"Holy Man, Rocker Man, Come on Queenie, Joker Man, Spider Man, Blue Eyed Meanie"
So you found your solution? What will be your last contribution?
"Live it up, rip it up, why so lazy? Give it out, dish it out, let's go crazy, Yeah!"

So that's it! Be yourself! Show them who you are! Yell it from the housetops if necessary. They may call you a fool, but you have the right to be yourself and to show that to the outside world.
That's why I make my publications on the Internet. That's why I do this column.

Bearded Beauties

2004-12-07T23:59:00.000+01:00

Yesterday evening it was again time for the monthly T&T-evening (T&T = Transvestism and Transsexuality) in Eindhoven. We have such an evening of the first Saturday of every month in a community building in Eindhoven. There is always a very good atmosphere. For a lot of men these evenings are their very first possibility to dress as a woman and be in the company of other people.
It is difficult to understand why our society makes such a problem of transvestism. This makes the life of transvestites filled with useless feelings of guilt and fear. And we are lucky to live in the Netherlands, because this is a very tolerant country. In the rest of the world there is much more bigotry...
I've had to struggle with the same feelings of guilt and fear, before I 'came out of the closet'. My very first visit to such a T&T-evening was an exciting experience. That was a few years ago already, but every month we get new visitors, who are there for the first time. They can feel safe there and they can meet people who meet the same difficulties in their lives for the first time. Those who are afraid to go outside in female clothing have the opportunity to enter in 'drab mode' and change their clothes inside the building.
All that is not necessary for me anymore, because I've been living as a woman 24/7 for a long time now, but I keep visiting these evenings because of the pleasant atmosphere and the many friends I meet there every time.

Each month the ladies from Medi Skin Care in Volendam are present too. They help us get rid of facial hair by using laser light. That is not cheap, but on these evenings we get a special price reduction. A visit to a normal skin therapist can easily cost you as much as $300, but we get our treatment at half the price!
Of course we discussed the latest plans of our government to take facial hair reduction for transsexual women out of the national health insurance program. These idiots don't know what they are doing!
I think it would be a great idea to have a big demonstration by transsexual women in The Hague by the end of May, when the weather will be fine. We could all dress in light, pretty summer dresses, but forget about shaving and make-up for the day. Or maybe even put on fake beards and moustaches. Let the government see what the results of such a policy are!

Introduction

2004-11-22T23:59:00.000+01:00

Hi, I am Evelien from the Netherlands. I will be doing a column for Gendertalk once every two weeks. In these columns I’ll be sharing some of my experiences with you.

You might ask yourself, why do I publish so far away? Why don't I just make a column on Dutch radio? Well, first of all there is no program on Dutch radio that regularly covers 'GLBT'-issues. We used to have one that was called "Het Roze Rijk" ("The Pink Kingdom"), but it has been stopped due to lack of funding years ago.

And there was an inducement. That was the WMBR fundraising week. For a large donation you can buy one hour of broadcasting time on the station! That made me think. I have been dreaming about making my own radio show in this way for two years, but this year was the first time I could afford the price. And I had thought of a form, that is easier for me to fill in than a whole hour at once: Short columns, yes, diary entries! I have plenty of those available!

So I contacted WMBR and Gendertalk well in advance to find out whether the offer was still valid. I made a demo and sent that to Gendertalk. They thought it was a great idea and Nancy Nangeroni has given me several tips on how to make it sound more professional. By now we both enjoy the idea so much, that a donation wouldn't have been necessary, they want to air my contributions anyway.

But I did make the donation. Let's just say this is the penalty I pay for my lack of self-confidence and my misplaced modesty. I would never have dared to suggest an idea like this if it hadn't been for the fundraising. I shouldn’t have been so shy!

I used most of my time for this introduction, but I won't leave you without a short example of what my columns will be like. This entry is called:

"Hey, Cool!"

Today at work I met a former colleague, I hadn't seen in four years.
He only knew me as a man so he didn't recognize me in my female outfit. I politely introduced myself as Evelien and told him we had met before. When I mentioned my old name, he immediately remembered me.

Of course I was curious how he would react to me, but I've always known him as an intelligent person and a good sport, so I figured he would take it lightly. And I wasn't disappointed.
"Hey, cool!" he said.
He told me there used to be a lot of gossip around me at [our former employer's]. People just couldn't figure me out. They had the impression I was gay because of my way of talking and gesturing, but that couldn't be, because I was married to a woman.
Of course it is very well possible that someone is gay and married to a woman, but my case turned out to be different. I’m a transsexual...