Wednesday, 16. January 2008 

I went for the regular midwife checkup with Anagot (at 12:45). It was 
exactly 39 weeks. 

(before that: Camiel took Mileva & lots of furniture & things to Nana; he 
took the tent to Dobie; he came back to be with Charlie, then took him 
along to pick up Alisa from school, around 1 PM. And I stopped by 
sport-school to freeze my membership for next 6 months, thinking that with 
the baby I will not have time / energy to go and exercise... ). 

While sitting there and waiting, I had a mild panic attack, sort or 
premonition - I was a bit scared, and I wrote down in my booklet that I 
have to tell Anagot that maybe I was not careful enough (Efteling, falling 
off the bike), and to ask her if I should be more careful. 

She said that everything should be fine... She checked my blood pressure, 
then checked my belly. The size was OK, and then Anagot listened to the 
heartbeat. With the little machine. She could not hear it well, so she 
used some more gel. Then she used the old-fashioned trumpet, because she 
thought that the machine doesn't work good. She still could not hear it. 
Then she thought maybe baby's back was towards my back, and then it's hard 
to hear... She brought another machine, but could not hear it with that 
one either. And then she got worried, and told me to go quickly to the 
hospital, to check it there. 

I am not feeling bad - so how can there be anything wrong with the baby? 
Annagot explained that me and the baby are two separate beings... 

I got worried too, but could not believe it, and I thought it was a false 
alarm... 

I called Camiel, and had to tell him on the phone: "Don't panic, but I 
have to go to the hospital, because Anagot can not hear the heartbeat of 
the baby.  Meet me there (2nd floor)" ... (that will become so familiar to 
us over next few days...)

Camiel asked Marieke to come and stay with Alisa and Charlie, and luckily 
she could do it. 

- - -

I went to the hospital, with the taxi. It was stinking of the cigarette 
smoke; I didn't speak to the driver; I don't know what I was thinking -- I 
was still in shock, and in denial, and I was hoping that they will just 
see that everything was fine. 

They were waiting for me - Nadine, the midwife, and one or two others. 
They looked at my belly with the echo / ultrasound machine, and thought 
that it was not looking good, but didn't want to say for sure. I didn't 
dare to look. I didn't dare to ask anything. I was so scared, and 
worried...  

They went away to bring the doctor. In the meantime, Minnon  arrived too 
(midwife from Gebortecentrum). Then Camiel. He was crying! I never saw him 
crying so much, and in public... (that will become so familiar to us over 
next few days...). Then I panicked, and then I started realising that this 
is serious, that this is probably not going good... 

The doctor came, looked at it too.  I was looking also, but could not 
understand what is it that I see. She explained: "This is the place where 
the heart should be... and there is no movement". 

"But what does it mean?? Can you do something about it??" 

"But she is dead!". 

She really had to be so cruel and so straightforward with me, because I 
didn't want to accept it. Only then I could hear it, and I fell into 
Camiel's arms and started sobbing uncontrollably... and him too. 

Then I'm not sure what happened next.. it was a bit of a blur.. 

I got confronted with the death for the first time in my life -- never 
before did I lose anyone who was close to me, and now -- my own child! Not 
even born yet!! 

Then I realised, and got very scared: Everyone will die! Camiel will die! 
But I don't want to lose him! 
And I don't want to lose other dear people in my life!
But - it's enevetable! There is notheing I, or anyone, can do about it...

... except being nice to them while I can!
And getting to know them, and letting them getting to know me... 

And I will die! But I am not ready yet! There is so much more I want to do 
in life, so much more I want to experience, and I better not wait, because 
it can happen any time... 

And the baby -- I wanted "it" removed as soon as possible, with an 
operation! But, the doctor said that  operation is risky; the best is to 
wait until the delivery starts naturally... 

What can be natural about carrying the dead baby inside of me?? Can we at 
least induce the delivery, and can I get some painkillers, to make it 
easier?? 

They told me to wait a bit, and let it sink in, and think about it, and 
then if I still want it done quickly, they will help out as much as they 
can. They explained the differences between epidural and other narcotic; 
and told me that in any case, even if the contractions for the natural 
delivery start at home, I still have to come to the hospital. 

And what about the kids? Doctors said that we should tell them; we thought 
not to, because they don't understand it all, and they don't see if the 
baby inside the belly is alive or dead anyway... but the doctors said that 
the kids will feel that there is something wrong, and it's better to 
explain it... 

Still, I first wanted to tell it to my parents. They were both with Nana, 
so that seemed like a good plan: to tell it to them in person, and to both 
of them (and Nana) at the same time. I knew they will take it very hard. 
And we also had to wait until Nana comes back home from a colleague, to 
take care of Iris, because I knew that my mother will react very heavy... 
And it was like that -- they both completely fell apart, but I could not 
take part in their pain, because it was too much for me then.. I had to 
comfort them, so I had to be stronger then they are... 

When we told it to Alisa (and Charlie, but he didn't understand anything) 
that baby is not alive any more, she said "Is she dead?" (in Dutch, of 
course), and then she started crying, and said "I wanted (us) to have two 
girls in the house...". 

I was completely confused with pain and sadness and unbelief: How could I 
not protect her?? What did I do wrong? How come that I didn't notice??  
What should have I done to save her? Why didn't she want to come to us? 

I called Annagot to find out if it is safe to wait with the delivery - she 
said it is. But I still wanted to get over with as soon as possible, 
because I thought that waiting for the delivery to start naturally is 
going to drive me crazy, specially when there is nothing to look forward 
to, only pain, and no good news at the end of all the efforts. So we 
called the hospital and made an appointment for tomorrow, 17th, at 9:30 
AM. 

And then we went to sleep. However troubled, the sleep helped us, because 
we were exhausted with all the events and thoughts and feelings. 

I think it was a mistake to not keep Marieke or Merlijn to stay with us, 
or Mileva, because we were alone with the children, when it all started 
happening... 

Around 11 PM, I woke up, feeling pain in my lower belly. I expected to 
feel  contractions in my back, so I didn't think this is *it*... but when 
there was another one after 10 minutes, and then again, I thought I'd wake 
up Camiel... He called the hospital -- and they told him that I should try 
to sleep, and call again in the morning! By then, it was getting more 
painful, I was clutching the side of the bed and counting to 10 through 
the wave of each contraction, *very loud*. I has my hand between my legs 
and trying to hold the baby inside, because it was trying to come out, but 
I was afraid to let it come out, because I was not sure it was the time to 
"push".

Camiel called Merlijn, to come and stay with the kids; then he called the 
hospital again, and I was shouting that he should ask for the ambulance... 
I guess they would not send it, because he went to bring the car in front 
of the door. Merlijn arrived in the meantime; but I could not go to the 
hospital - I asked Camiel to just help me do it here, at home -- but he 
didn't want (I guess he was scared, too) -- he wanted to bring me there... 
He was also asking where the things are that I prepared for the hospital, 
and in the pauses of contractions I was explaining where the box is, and 
the bag... 

Thursday, 17.1. - midnight

Just after midnight - the water broke!! Oh, that was a sign.. it was 
really serious! Still, Camiel insisted that I go into the car.. 

OK, I tried: I walked from the bed towards the door, but in the hallway I 
got another contraction, I had to go on my hands and knees, and then the 
final contraction came, I had to push, I was screaming "It's coming 
out!" -- and the baby's head was out!! (What happened with the bottom of 
my pajamas?? and my nickers?).
Camiel pulled a bit, I pushed one more time, and the rest of the baby was 
out. It was lying on the floor... it was very pale... and then, only then, 
I knew for sure it was dead. I didn't believe it until then, not 
completely; I was hoping that they are all wrong; I was doubting that they 
can see inside of me, and I was still having hope that I'll see her alive 
once she is out of me... But she was not alive. 

While Camiel went to get a towel, I saw her with the corner of my eye (it 
was dark; I didn't have my glasses; and I didn't really want, nor dare, to 
look...) -- she was pale, and like a doll, and so still, and quiet... 
(other babies were red, and loud..). 

We didn't know what to do about the umbilical cord - so we just left it 
connected; Camiel wrapped the baby in the towels and passed it on to me 
through my legs. I was immediately feeling better -- the contractions were 
gone, there was no pain, and there was no strange body inside of me -- and 
I was holding my baby in my arms! (even if it was dead - it was heavy, and 
firm, and large, and even a bit warm, even through the towels..). I walked 
to the car, with the wet trousers dangling around my legs, in wet socks, 
without shoes. I laid on my side in the back of the car, holding the baby 
wrapped in towel in my arms. 

After 10 minutes of driving (I don't know how Camiel had strenght to drive 
us safely to the hospital!) we arrived, parked on the street, and walked - 
agin, wet and barefoot - to the main entrance. We had to wait until they 
let us in; it was around 1 PM; there was no-one to help; we had to take 
the wheelchair by ourselves (where did Camiel find an Euro to put in the 
slot?!), and he drowe us to the second floor. They were surprised to see  
us -- why?! We were announced several times!! And they found a room for 
us, then nurses (Irma and ...?) and doctor Smith arrived, and they helped 
me undress, took the baby away, and helped me "deliver" the placenta and 
the "membranes". 

This took a long time, because, altho I thought I was much better, I was 
still in shock, and confused, and exhausted -- my legs and my pelvis were 
shaking uncontrollably (*), so I could not relax and do what they asked 
from me; also, it was difficult to push the placenta out, because I felt 
already empty, like there is nothing to push on. Still, the long time 
meant 10 minutes, instead of one minute; I was not bleeding much, and 
everything was, in fact, OK.

(*) not unlike in the whole-body orgasm...

They cleaned and wrapped the baby, and gave it back to me. I could finally 
see her -- she was beautiful!! So real!! So big! I had to touch her.. she 
was still a little bit warm, from my own warmth, but she was cooling 
quickly, and she was so pale, so pale... Her eyes were closed, and she 
looked like she is asleep, but I knew she's not, and I wept, and sobbed, 
and Cmaiel also, and we held each other over the body of our dead baby. I 
was so so so sorry... it was not meant to be like this!!! 

When I held her, I felt contractions of my womb, just like I felt when 
holding my other babies... 

They asked us if we have chosen a name for her. We looked at each other - 
yes, the last one we agreed on was "Olivia". I didn't even know that she 
had to have a name, if she was not alive... but they explained that, and 
many other things, that I could not expect, understand or accept at that 
time, but that I comprehended only later -- she was part of our life. She 
was, and she always will be. She is our third child. She was real, she is 
real, and she will stay with us, even if only in our memory, till the end 
of our lives. So, giving her a name, seeing her, touching her, dressing 
her, giving her some space, and a physical place; keeping memories of her, 
as many s possible -- that will all help to preserve her in our lives in 
the future, but it will also help us to heal ourselves from our sadness. 

However, it was too early to take all of that in. We were so tired (it was 
already 2 AM by then), and still not really aware what was happening, and 
just wanted everything to be over, and not to think of it... So we decided 
to go home, as soon as possible, and leave "her" in the hospital. 

We could have brought "her" home, but the idea was so strange -- how can 
we deal with her there?? Why would we want her? 
Also, I wanted the children to come and  say goodbye to the baby in the 
hospital - I didn't want them to think that the house is a place where 
something like death can happen, I wanted them to think of their home as  
a safe, protected space; I wanted them to associate hospital with loss and 
pain. 

They asked us if we had clothes for Olivia. No - we didn't even bring any 
clothes for me, since we were in a hurry we forgot to bring what I have 
prepared, but I didn't even prepare any clothes for her: again, since they 
told us that she was dead I didn't consider her a person any more, so I 
didn't think that she will need clothes -- but those feelings and opinions 
were going to change in the next days...

Since I didn't bring any clean, dry clothes with me, I had to put Camiel's 
jacket on - like trousers: I put my legs into sleeves, and rapped it 
around my waste with the blanket that we brought. Camiel took me 
downstairs and into the car in the wheelchair, together with Irma. 

I don't remember the way back home in the car. At home, we saw that 
Merlijen has cleaned-up the hallway, changed our bed, and was asleep in 
Mileva's bed, and the kids were also asleep (they slept through 
everything! My screaming during the delivery, us leaving, us coming 
back...). It was around 4 AM when we got home. (I called Nana to tell her 
that it is all over, to tell Bogdan and Mileva not to worry about me any 
more...). 

We cried ourselves to sleep. It was good to have each other, for the 
comfort, and support. I realised that I can only open up with Camiel, that 
with other people I can not cry so freely, or that I have to be strong for 
them and support them -- but that with Camiel I can let go. I could also 
tell all kind of outrages things to him, because he was with me through 
everything, he experienced it too, and we could just share these horrible 
moments, just as we shared to good moments before. I was also surprised, 
and pleased, that Camiel could let go and express his emotions and cry so 
much -- I thought that is very good for them, because on the other moments 
he was very strong and decisive and supportive, but it must have been hard 
for him all the same. 

Thursday, 17.1. morning 

We had to go to the hospital to say good-bye to Olivia. We arranged it for 
11 in the morning: first only us and kids; then Nana and my parents; then 
Simone and Oma-Willy; then Merieke & Merlijn. 

This time we brought the clothes: blue pakje that both Alisa and Charlie 
used to wear, with 3 birds on it; pink socks she got from Oma Willie and 
Simone for Charlie's birthday; and a blue-stripy cap that I just bought 
for her in the Hema two days before... 

Nurse who brought Olivia in asked if we will dress her ourselves, or 
should he do it. I could not... but Camiel said that he wanted to. He was 
crying while he was doing it... it must have been difficult, and she was 
so cold, too... 

I don't remember how I felt when I saw her again. We have photos. There 
were a lot of people, and they all were very sad; it was a first time for 
them to see Olivia, and (we thought) it will be the last time too. Simone 
and Nana gave her a little doll to bring with her (to the grave); my 
mother took it very badly (again), and we had to take care of her, on the 
top of everything; Alisa wanted to hold Olivia; *I* wanted to hold Olivia, 
and I was still surprised with this wish of mine... 

... but, still, when it was time to go, we said good-bye again, and 
decided to leave her in the hospital: our place was at home, and that was 
not to be her home anyway. 

They made the hand- and foot- print in the hospital; they printed the 
photos of the night before for us, and they made us CDs with those, and 
today's photos; they gave us brochures about coping with the loss of a 
child (so - it happens that often that they have a special booklet 
printed!! And even a version in English!! I would have never thought... 
How ignorant, and how arrogant of me... to think that death is so 
separated from life.. and to think it's so far away from me, that it could 
not happen to me or anyone close to me...)(which reminds me of a [book] I 
read recently...). 

We had to arrange all kinds of formalities -- for example, if we wanted to 
investigate what the cause of death was. We did want, but only to a 
certain extent: they took blood samples from Olivia and me; they took a 
piece of her thigh, for the DNA analysis; they will make X-ray; and 
examine the placenta and umbilical cord. But we didn't let them make the 
autopsy, because we didn't want them to cut her open. The only reasons for 
trying to find out what happened were: so that I can stop blaming myself; 
and so that we know if we have to be careful next time, if we want to have 
another baby.

At home, we had to meet with someone from the undertakes company "De 
Jong". We had to choose if we want to burry Olivia or to cremate her -- 
what a horrible thing to think about, altogether!! But we had to decide, 
and fast, because there were appointments to be made, all kinds of 
arrangements... Still, we had a day to think about it, and will meet up 
with them the day after. 

We also had to choose all kinds of other things: if it will be a grave - 
where? In which cemetery? On her own, or with other children? (or - a 
family grave?? I was thinking about that too -- should she be the one to 
start our family grave?? And that made me think even more about my own 
death, and what do I want to happen to me when I die... macabre... ). For 
the cremation, we also had to choose one of the two possible places, and 
then, also, what do we want to do with the ashes.  And in any case, there 
was supposed to be a ceremony -- so, who to invite, and how; how many 
people -- only close family, so 10-ish, or all the friends; what music 
will we play; who will talk; will we have something else happening during, 
or after the ceremony; etc. Do we want the cards, done by  De Jong -- no, 
we already thought we'll let Nana help with that, or no cards at all. 

We were really not ready to think about all this!! 

I will describe in a separate story [how and why did we choose for the 
cremation].

But, the important bit was when they told us that, whatever we choose, it 
will have to be after two or more days. To wait several more days!! And 
then I've heard myself say: "But then I will have to go and visit Olivia 
in the hospital every day -- I can not let her be there all alone!" 

I knew this was completely irrational! I knew that she was not there 
alone, because she was not there at all - she was not anywhere, she was 
dead! Still, this was such a powerful feeling, that I had to do something 
about it! And Camiel also changed his mind... so when the lady asked "but 
did you agree with them in the hospital that you can come and see Olivia 
every day?", we thought -- we can actually have her here!! 

So, that afternoon Camiel called the hospital, and called "De Jong", and 
arranged that he will pick up Olivia at 8 PM, and someone from "De Jong" 
will come and bring the cooling machine at 20:30 -- and that's how Olivia 
still moved in, into our home. The same day as she was born... with the 
short stay in the hospital... because we could not leave her there, to be 
so far away from us. We had to have her with us. This was her place, this 
was her home too. We had everything ready for her. But, instead of having 
her in our bed, or in her bed, we had to put her on the "kommode" (a place 
for changing diapers), that we used for Charlie years ago, and still left 
standing, knowing that there will be another baby coming sometimes.. It 
has a lamp above, it is next to our bed, so we could see her all the 
time... (she had to be kept cool, so she was all frozen when she arrived, 
and then placed on the cooling element, a big metal peace that was cooled 
down to -20 with a strong and noisy freezer). 

That night, I could hold her again... It felt so strange -- at the same 
time, it was just like holding a real baby, because she was just as big, 
just as heavy, and she looked like she is asleep...
When I hold her, I feel contractions of my womb, just like I felt when 
holding my other babies... 
But she was so cold, and so stiff... but I wanted to warm her up, and to 
make her breathe, to make her move, to make her alive again!! Why could 
she not be alive?? Why was she not really with us?? Oh, how we cried, both 
of us, Camiel and me...

(Nana and Iris came back with us from the hospital, and stayed. Mileva 
too; but Bogdan had to go back to Nana's place, he had to be alone for a 
while; he was taking it very very hard, and altho he was expressing his 
sadness more then I expected, it was still difficult for him to show all 
of his emotions.. and all that stress was not good for his diabetes, 
either).