Hmmm

Lookie what I found:



I made that 4 years or so ago. It's quite funny...

~*~

Anyways. So I talked to my family and they said that my grandma is doing fine. She's preparing to move on. Sure there is moments when she is distrought but that's natural and normal in the situation. But at least she knows and believes that her life goes on. The funeral is on Feb 13th. My Angel and I will go there and we'll stay with my grandma and spend some time with her.

As if all that is not enough, Angel's dad had intestine cancer some years ago and he now went to the doc for checkups and the blood values were bad. :( He has bleedings and is in loads of pain. I don't want to be all sad and fear the worst but I can't help it. It went so fast with my granddad that I think of that right away. It's not fair. This year was supposed to become better now!!! Poor Angel. She's in panic mode and I don't know how to help her other than being there for her like she is for me. I love her with all my heart and I know we'll get through all sorts of stuff... I only wish fate would stop throwing it at us in groups. One at a time, please!

Well. We can't change anything and we also don't know anything for certain now. So it's best not to get too worked up.

Man, life sucks... :(

New Site

Addionally to my online portfolio I have expanded this blog site a little so my friends and family have a bit of a wider idea of how I'm doing and what I'm up to. There now is a photo section and a weekly (I hope so) music review. I love to share my taste in music with others so I hope some of you will find something there that you'll like. :)

Other than that I have no real news. I still have not talked to my parents. I will phone them tonight. So no update there either. I will post more as soon as I know.

Until then, have a fun time browsing this new site and I'll see ya laters.

Grandpa

So he died two nights ago. :( I'm so sad I can't really describe it. I didn't cry yesterday but today I went to the store to buy one of those condolences cards and while I knelt there, picking one out, trying to figure out which one my grandma would like, I just started crying. In the middle of the store. I just couldn't help it. And then when I proceeded to check out I asked the lady at the counter if I could also have stamps for Europe-mail to Germany and then I cried even more. She said she was so sorry, the reason for my crying obvious by the card I purchased, and I felt so bad because I made her feel uncomfortable. I have never cried in public. I usually always make it to some place private before I let myself go. This time, though, it just kind of hit me right there in the card store that he was gone. That he was dead. How sad my grandma must be. And my mom. It was her Daddy. When she called to tell me the news yesterday she was so upset. She has never cried before on the phone. It was so devastating. I felt so helpless.

My grandpa was cremated today. Family had the chance to see him still at 17.00 hours at the crematory place. I didn't go. I'm not sure if I would have made it in time even if I had wanted to. I would have had to go alone because we have nowhere to leave the dogs on such short notice. I would have had to take the train, which takes ten hours. Also I'm not sure I still would have made it in time because I would have had to take a train to Berlin first and then to Leipzig. Also I didn't want to go because my grandpa was really sick. His liver stopped working and slowly his body gave way to the poisoning. I wish to remember my granddad the way he was when I last saw him. I wish to remember him not sick and suffering but happy and funny like last November at his birthday.

We will go see my grandma as soon as they have a date for the funeral. I'm not sure it's still called funeral when they bury his ashes. I'm not sure what the correct term would be. We will go there. I'm not sure how we're gonna do it but until we know the date for the "funeral" we cannot book the dog pension for the dogs, nor make reservations for a rental car. I don't know. I also kind of want to go to my family in Berlin first and then maybe take the train to Leipzig with them together.

I don't really know what to write in the card for my grandma. I'm no good at expressing my feelings and still be tactful. I don't know what to say that could asure her of my condolences, support and love and yet not upset her even more. I do not wish to cause her even more pain by reminding her of the effect it has on all of us.

I don't know if my mom and dad went to the cremation today. I haven't talked to them since my mom called me yesterday. At that point my dad was on a business trip in some other German city and did not know that my grandpa had passed away. My mom was all alone and could not reach him on his mobile. I don't know if he eventually came home and was able to support my mom and go to the cremation with her or if she still could not reach him. I don't think however he wouldn't think of calling in a moment like this. Maybe they will call me tomorrow. Otherwise I will call them and if they aren't there I will call my other (Berlin) grandma, who is looking after my eight-year-old brother, because I'm sure she'd know where they are.

This is the first death of a close person for me. My great-grandparents have died. One great-grandpa died in the 2nd world war at the age of 30-something, the other died in 2002, at the age of 98 when there was a huge flood in Eastern Germany. No I have only one grandpa left.

It's hard because now I feel I want to spend more time with my family. Be closer to them, but they are so far away. It's difficult to go see them. We always have to arrange weeks ahead. I can never just pop in. The internet makes it a bit easier with video conferencing and the likes. However it is not the same.

It's really late and I'm sure my other half is missing my presence in bed. I'm really tired and I shall go now. I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow or the days to come. I will post more info when I have finally talked to my parents. I don't want to think of them right now. I don't want to think of them in pain. But I can see my mom crying. The way she holds her hand over her mouth and pinches her eyes close. My grandma always has one arm wrapped around her abdomen the other elbow propped up and the hand of that arm holding her mouth as well. I really don't want to think about it but it's what I see. I hope I will not dream of them tonight.

Sigh

I'm too weak to cry again. It takes so much out of me. I'll just block it out again. That's why I'm writing it down. Thanks for listening.

Etre et Avoir

One of the cutest movies I have ever seen. Well technically it is not a movie but a documentary, but it's out on DVD and it has won at least 5 awards.



This movie actually made my French come back. When I started learning Dutch my French was just kind of overwritten with the new language. It was strange. Everytime I wanted to form a French sentence something Dutch would come out. Ever since yesterday I can think up French words again. Granted my grammar was always really bad because I didn't bond with my French teacher and that's important for me, otherwise I'll suck at a subject. Yet all of a sudden I could remember things which I thought had I forgotten. It's great... now at least when we go to France I will be able to ask for the way and order food.

Regarding the movie, if you love children, go watch it. That's all I have to say. Now I wish even more that me and my girlfriend could have kids. It's that mother instict thing coming through. Oh well, adoption is always an option and maybe in 10 years from now, when I still feel like that we can help kids that have been abandoned.

For more info about the movie go here: Click Me!

Update on grandpa

Well I phoned my grandma and my grandpa and my mom.

My grandma was so devestated. She tried to be strong but I could tell that she just wanted to hang up and cry. She said that she was tired of crying but that she couldn't change anything. I wish I could be there for her.

My mom was very strange. Usually she let's things out, but she was very silent on the phone. She's trying to be strong just like my dad, but then again I also don't cry when I talk to them, or tell them about how much it hurts me to see everyone is so much pain. I wish I could be there for my mom, though. I mean it's her daddy. I can't even imagine how she must feel.

My grandpa sounded very weak on the phone but he was very happy that I called. I talked to him for about 5 minutes and you could tell that is was very very exhausting for him. Also I think he was upset that I called. Not in a bad way but more in a ... I don't really know. I told him that I'll expect to have a job soon and that life is going great for me & Angel and he was happy about that as well. He was also glad that our family sticks so much together in times like these. Everyone calls my grandma to let her know that we're there and stuff and eventhough my grandpa does not want people to call him, he didn't really mean that. It's like when he said he didn't want a birthday gift but then he got so many, and he was so happy!

Anyways, he's being released to go home and spent his last days in his familiar surroundings. Their GP will take care of painkillers and stuff. My Grandpa still wants to sort things out at home. Financial stuff etc, caus he always did those things. He does not want my grandma to be left with all those files to go through. He also said that this is life and that we "youngsters" live on but them "oldsters" will eventually leave. I didn't really know what to say. He was trying to still be funny to make sure I wouldn't worry so much. That's so him.

My grandpa used to always sing me this song about elephants. I've had it in my head all day today. Since I cannot sing it to him because that would just be to weird, I'll post the lyrics here. Warning, it's in German.

Was muessen das fuer Baeume sein


Was muessen das fuer Baeume sein
Wo die grossen Elefanten spazieren geh'n ohne sich zu stossen.
Links sind Baeume Rechts sind Baeume, in der Mitte Zwischenraeume
Wo die grossen Elefanten spazieren geh'n ohne sich zu stossen.

Was muessen das fuer Fluesse sein,
wo die kleinen Elefanten baden gehen ohne Badehosen.
Links sind Fluesse, rechts sind Fluesse, in der Mitte Schokoschaumkuesse
wo die kleinen Elefanten baden gehen, ohne Badehosen.


Was muessen das fuer Baeume sein
wo die grossen Elefanten spazieren gehn, ohne sich zu stossen.
Links sind Linden, rechts sind Linden, in der Mitte Kinderwindeln
wo die grossen Elefanten spazieren gehen, ohne sich zu stossen.


Was muessen das fuer Baeume sein
wo die grossen Elefanten spazieren gehn, ohne sich zu stossen.
links sind Haeuser, rechts sind Haeuser, in der Mitte viele Laeuse
wo die grossen Elefanten spazieren gehen, ohne sich zu stossen.

I only really remembered the first verse, so I looked the rest up on the internet, but I know he also sang about "Badehosen".

I will call again on monday. Let's hope he's still there then, so that my grandma can put me on speaker phone. Even if he is too weak to talk he can at least listen to what I'm saying to them. I feel so sad for my grandma because she'll be there till the end. On the one hand it's good because then neither of them is alone, but on the other hand it must be such a burden to see the partner of your live wither away like that. I mean it's the liver, so his whole body is slowly filling up with poison and he becomes weaker and weaker. It's so horrible because in his mind he's still so alive. I don't believe in heaven and the bible and god etc, but I know that at one point when his pain is too much, when he then leaves, he'll be in a better place, even if that place does not exist. At one point, even nothing is better than pain.

In my thoughts I'm with everyone in my family. I'm sad that I'm so far away but I have my Angel here for me. We take care of each other so that's good.

I love you, Angel.

Grandpa

My grandpa is going to die. That's what the doctors said. They gave him from a couple of days to a couple of weeks... I've been crying so much my head hurts. I could still call him in the hospital but I'm not sure if I'd be able to. It's too emotional and I don't want to cry on the phone with him. I imagine that'd make it only harder for him. Also he is in so much pain that I don't know if he'll be able to talk. And mentally he had a breakdown 2 days ago. It must be so horrible if you know that you are going to die and there is nothing you can do about it.

I'll call my grandma later today and see how she's doing. My parents said she cried so much that her whole face is swollen and she needs to put ice on it so that she can see something. It's so horrible, because it all came so fast. Angel was the only one that suspected something when we saw him last time. She says she could tell that he felt like it was his last birthday. I don't want to think about it. I can kind of get by, just kind of blocking it out and talking about it like a dry fact. Then at least I won't cry again.

Today is my dad's birthday party and they'll then tell the rest of the family. My family is very close and we care about each other a lot, so news like that will devistate everyone. I kind of wish that I could still go see my grandpa but he doesn't want that. I know him and I understand. He is a person that does not want to be a burden and he does not want people to be all upset and stuff. But of course we are, cause we really care about him.

Oh well in the end there is nothing that I can do about it. It's really hard but I guess that's life. I can be happy that everything else in my life is so great. I have wonderful girlfriend, who I plan to spend the rest of my life with, I'll have a job soon (gotta love job agencies and my CV is very impressive they said...) and everybody else in my family is healthy.

I'll write as soon as I know more about how my grandpa is doing or whether I could call him.

Bye for now.

More Pictures...

Today we went to the beach and I took our new baby, our digital camera.

Here some impressions of Dutch winter weather:







I'm not a great photographer or anything but I especially love the third picture. That is Rotterdam Industrial Harbour there in the distance. (click on an image to enlarge (1024X768))

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I am planning on making a new layout for this blog with archives and photos and all that kind of stuff. Please be patient as I'm kind of busy with other stuff right now.

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My grandpa isn't doing very good. I talked to my parents and they said when they went to see him he was already all yellow, had aged so much in such a short time and he couldn't eat anymore because his swollen liver was pressing on his stomach. I'm so upset. I don't want to cry again because it doesn't change anything and maybe there's still hope that he'll get chemo and will survive. It's just that the doctors are taking their time when this is a matter of life or death. Liver cancer kills you very fast... it could be a matter of weeks. My grandpa is due for a medical talk thing next week. Let's hope they'll start the chemo or maybe liver transplant (whatever they need to do to save his life) soon!

:( Enough for now. I'll keep you posted.

Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King

Just a couple of stills of the by far best movie ever made. Being the huge LoTR fan that I am I have been looking forward to this part for 2 years now. I have read the books prior to seeing the movies and since then I have only fallen in love more with each and every character. Today I actually cried through the whole 3 hours and 20 minutes...

The courage, the hope, the selflessness, the love and friendship and final victory over all that is evil just grabs you and it's so intense. The actors play their parts so well and the way the film is made you feel like you're part of the story. You are in the middle. You feel their emotions right inside yourself. Well maybe I'm also just very sensitive to those kind of things.

Fact is there will never be a book like The Lord of The Rings again, and there will also never be a movie like Peter Jackson's version of it. Both are masterpieces and I'm sure if J.R.R. Tolkien was still alive he'd love the movies because I feel that what he created in his books is portraid so well in the movies that nobody could hate it! :) Well except for the people for whom any movie longer than 90 mins and any book with more than 50 pages is too long.

So if you have not seen the movie yet, or maybe even haven't read the books, I can tell you you're missing out big time.

I can't really write much more... I'm still letting the movie sink in. I will see it again soon so maybe I can write more detailed then! :)


~*~

Happy New Year by the way. It was actually surprisingly quiet in our neighbourhood. They had a huge (HUGE!) fire going at the beach and all the kids went there so they were gone from here! :) In some places boys put some cars on fire and some people died because of illegal fireworks and drunk driving but overall it seems people were calmer than usual.

I'm not sure what 2004 will bring. I wish that Americans would stop being such a bunch of ignorants and that people in the world would finally care about each other and stop all the killing... On a more realistic note I wish that all the people I care about will stay healthy and happy.

My grandfather has been diagnosed with liver cancer shortly before christmas. He was in the hospital already but they sent him home for the holidays to spend time with his family before going into chemo in January. We really don't know what his chances are and how long the cancer has already been there. My Granddad had eye cancer a couple of years ago and they had to take out his left eye so maby that's where it comes from. My whole family is now hoping for the best, that he will make it through chemo and that he'll be fine but you never know, and the fact that we know so little is making us worry.

Oh well, I'll will call him and granny now and sent them new years wishes and then maybe I'll know more.


So much for today. I'm off to watch world idol now. I'm rooting for Canada!